[Just in case any of you are in need of a visual of Bender's "current" look in this story OR if you'd like a link to the Spotify playlist I used when writing this, message me and I shall provide links since they damn place will not let me do it in the chapter. ]

"So, who'd you run into," Ma asked as her and Dad sat at the table playing rummy.

"Oh, uh, you remember John Bender?" Ma stopped paying attention to the game and looked at me as if I had said I killed the dog, but Dad was unfazed.

"You mean he's not in jail?"

"Jan, leave her alone. She's 25, she's a smart girl."

"I'm not worried about her, it's him. You remember Bender Sr."

"I do," Dad said as he placed his final set of cards on the table. It was a bit ridiculous how many sets he had in comparison to mom's three. "Rum," he said proudly and sat back in his seat to look at me and wink. I had to smile.

"Then you know how abusive he was." Mom wasn't letting up. "I remember running into his mother a couple times and she was covered in bruises. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out the same way and I'll be damned if he'll be hanging around my daughter."

"Ma, first of all, you haven't heard that name since I graduated. Secondly, I'm not an idiot, I know, better than you, mind you, what his home life was like as I was friends with him and went to school and, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he actually didn't turn out like his dad. He actually went to trade school to fix cars." Ma looked horrified as she put two and two together. "Yeah, HE'S the John that fixed the car. He also checked the fluids and did an oil change free of charge." Dad smirked as he dealt to play another game of Rummy. "People change, Ma. Look at me. Look at Berta. (Berta was my sister.) She was ridiculous in high school and into all the reckless nonsense and now she's corporate complete with a BMW and a stick up her ass." Ma gasped but Dad chuckled a bit. "I'm fine, I promise." Ma sighed deeply before turning back to the game. "What happened," she asked Dad seeing that the old game had been cleared and a fresh one was about to start.

"I whooped your butt. Charlie, you wanna play?"

Gotta love, Dad. I get where Ma was coming from because she was partially right. If his home life was as shitty as Allison had made it out to be and judging on how he was in high school, it was safe to assume that he was going probably follow in his Dad's footsteps. She was concerned and, while I appreciated it, it, thankfully, wasn't needed. At the end of the day, I know they trust me and besides, it was just lunch…probably dinner. Nothing more, right?

That night, after dinner, I went upstairs to write a little bit but everything I came up with was absolute shit. I think I typed a paragraph or two 5-6 times before throwing up my hands in defeat and stepping away from my typewriter. As I turned in my chair away from my desk, I looked around my room and thought about redecorating. I still had quite a bit of money to buy new bedding and maybe paint? I could talk to Ma and see if she'd let me paint and redo some things, but I don't know.

I figured I'd listen to some music since that usually helped me write better but once I saw it was after midnight, I knew the folks would more than likely be asleep. I put my gigantic headphones on and went through my albums. Pulling out one at random, I took the record out of the sleeve, placed it on the turn table and started it without even paying attention to what I was listening to. There was that old familiar pop and crackle of the vinyl before my ears were filled with the sweet sound of Lou Reed singing "Satellite of Love."

I love the feeling that music brings. It tells a story, allows you to escape, or soothes whatever ails you; it speaks volumes at any volumes and even has the power to resurrect the dead-dead being a metaphor for a memory, and as I sat on my bedroom floor as I had done so many times before, I closed my eyes and thought about what had happened that day with Bender. I thought about seeing him in high school and thinking how we'd probably never hit it off as anything, friends or other.

….

"You like him, don't you?" Allison had to repeat herself a couple times apparently because I had been paying more attention to the burn out in the red flannel smoking with his buddies under the bleachers. The school's parking lot for students sat right behind the bleachers so you could see under them from your car, or my car, which is where Allison and I currently sat waiting for Andy to get out of football practice. She promised she'd give him a ride home but, considering she didn't own a car, she asked me.

"What?" I asked and blinked as if it would bring back my focus to the previous one-sided conversation. Allison laughed. "I KNEW IT!" she shouted and I immediately did everything in my power to "shh" her as she continued to giggle hysterically. "Oh my God, you like Bender? That's amazing."

"What? No, I mean, I don't even know him." Remain cool, I told myself. Act like he doesn't even faze you, but Allison knew.

"I'm friends with him you know," She said casually causing me to practically break my neck I turned my head so quickly. "I could talk to him-"

"YOU WILL NOT!"

"I'll will, I'll just tell him, 'Bender, Charlie thinks you're the shits.'" And she laughed hysterically.

"Oh, ha ha, jerk," I said as I folded my arms over my chest and huffed.

"Charlie, I'm only teasing. I'll only talk to him if you want me to, ok?" I turned to look at her and she was being sincere.

"Fine, but if he starts getting all cute with me-"

"He's flirty with everyone. It's kinda his thing." Allison said as she started to spot the football players headed to the locker room.

"I thought his shtick was being the 'criminal,' or the 'asshole.'" Allison rolled her eyes.

"No no, he is an asshole," she assured me, "but criminal? If he's a criminal, then I'm a basket case." I turned to her as soon as the words left her mouth and gave her a look as if to say, "well…" but she gave me a look and laughed, "Not another word, Riley," which had me laughing too. She turned her attention towards the bleachers and gasped. "Charlie? I don't mean to rain on this parade but, Bender is headed this way." Next thing I knew, Bender was standing outside Allison's window and made a motion for her to roll down the window. The smell of weed permeated my tiny car as Bender bent down and leaned on the passenger side door.

"You know, Riley, maybe next time you can come join me and the guys instead of sitting here watching us like a stalker," Bender smiled.

"Wasn't them, John, just you," Allison smiled and looked to me. All I could do was give her a death stare. I was absolutely mortified and she wasn't improving the situation by making remarks like that. Bender made an over exaggerated gesture of flattery. "Why Miss Riley, I had no idea you fancied me," he mocked trying his best to sound like Miss Scarlet from Gone with the Wind complete with the high pitched voice. Allison chuckled and I turned a beet red. I had reached a point where all I wanted was for them all to go away and forget all this ever happened. I shut my eyes for a second but when I opened them, Bender and Allison were both staring at me. John looked as if he didn't know what to make of the situation while Allison gave me a look of "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SAY SOMETHING!"

"Well, Riley, you gonna smoke some doobage with me some time?"

"I, uh," and Bender raised an eyebrow waiting for a response. Luckily, I was saved by Andy entering the car, "Oh, Thank GOD," I said aloud.

"Hey Sporto," Bender said. "Well, ladies, my invitation is always open, especially for you, Cupcake." He winked at me before telling Allison he'd see her later.

"What did I miss?" Andy laughed as he noticed how red I got. Allison leaned over into the back seat to kiss him and he managed to pull her back there with him. I heard her give him the play by play as I went to drive off. Before we left the parking lot, I saw Bender again in my rear view mirror walking towards the row of apartments. Before he reached the grass that separated the apartments from the school's parking lot, he turned back around to look at my car.

….

"Late night last night?" Ma asked as I walked like a member of the living dead into the kitchen. Coffee lured me but it was the eggs and toast that kept me there, I thought to myself. Ridiculous and deep for a morning, I thought. Vocally, however, all I could manage was a grunt as I poured my coffee and buttered a piece of toast.

"Well, your Dad has an appointment at the clinic, so are you able to take him for me? I'm meeting Sylvia for lunch."

"Nof prolflemb," I said through a mouth full of toast.

"Charlotte, don't talk with your mouth full. It's unbecoming," she sighed as she set a place for Dad just as I hear a "psst" of the oxygen tank entering the kitchen. He kissed the top of my head and sat down at the place Ma had set.

"Jan, I don't wanna go to the Doctor, I'm fine. Besides, I'm sure Charlie's got better things to do then chauffeuring me to all these appointments."

"Dad, it's fine. I really don't mind it at all. We get to hang out, so it's cool. Oh! But I do need to talk to you two. Would it be alright if I fixed up my room and bathroom?"

"What do you mean?" Ma asked.

"Well, I wanted to know if I could paint it? I was gonna get rid of some things, probably buy some bookshelves, new bedding, I dunno. I hate that everything is so pink in there."

"Aww, I think it's sweet. What color you looking to paint it?" Ma asked as she sat and buttered a piece of toast.

"Red."

"No."

"Ma, why?" I sighed.

"Because, if your father and I ever do sell this house, that red's gonna take forever to paint over."

"Berta painted her room lime green AND let all her friends write over the walls in permanent marker!"

"Berta also paid to have people come in and wallpaper the walls."

"Ma, you make it seem like I don't or that I couldn't do that too."

"Charlotte, I'm putting my foot down on Red. Pick another color." I thought for a moment as I swallowed a fork full of eggs.

"Black?"

"Are you out of your MIND," Ma practically spit her coffee out.

"Kidding," I said with a smile and my hands up in defeat. "What about," and I had to think for a second. Currently, the room was pink with a floral trim. "Okay, what if I painted it an off-white? Like ivory or cream?"

"White," Dad said, not looking up from his eggs. "You're basically saying you're gonna paint the rooms white."

"Fine, paint the rooms some kind of white."

White wasn't the ideal color but we'll see when we reach the paint store, I thought. I figured I'd check the bedding first. Maybe I could determine a color based on the bedding.

…..

A few hours had passed and I managed to take Dad to his appointment, run to the hardware store to grab paint (went with a vintage white and a beige for the bathroom), found a red plaid bedspread set, got some new pillows, a few bookcases, towels, boxes, and everything I'd need to get this started, like, today. Dad and I were even able to grab some lunch at Skip's, which allowed me to look over at the shop to see if I could see Bender, but the shop was "Closed." I wondered if they were next store getting a bite to eat as well but, when Dad and I entered, they were nowhere to be found. We had a nice lunch, never the less, and ended up back home by 1. Dad said he felt tired so I made sure he was all set up for bed before taking all the junk I had just bought upstairs to my room.

Ever psyche yourself up for a project and then, when you're finally standing in front of it, you think, "Eh, I'll do this later." That's kinda how I felt when I stood in the doorway of my room. I knew I'd have to go through things and either get rid of them or box them away. And, of course, I had boxes of my stuff I had brought from my place in California that still needed to be brought upstairs from the basement. Ugh.

"Well," I said aloud, "let's just get started."

I put on a Ramones record, "Road to Ruin" is great to listen to while you're cleaning, and opened up my closet. After about an hour, I managed to get rid of a majority of my high school clothes, save for the occasional oversized sweater because those were damn comfortable to sleep in.

By 4 PM, I had managed to have a large pile of "donate," and only a few boxes of "keep" that were full of momentos. I moved those boxes to the basement but before I could grab the boxes with my California stuff in it, the phone rang. I practically killed myself running up the stairs to get to the phone before Dad woke up.

"Hello?" I'm surprised I could say anything, I was so out of breath.

"Hey Sweets. What were you doing? Running a marathon?" Throat in stomach.

"Bender."

"The one and only. What are you up to right now?"

"Um, I'm," and I had to stop for a second to breathe causing Bender to chuckle into the phone.

"I gotta ask, while you were doing whatever it was that has caused you to run out of breath, were you thinking of me?"

"What? No! I am trying to redo my room. It's been the same since high school."

"Gross."

"Fuck you very much, douche. I'm moving shit by myself and painting and stuff."

"Wanna take a break?" I thought about it for a sec but honestly, if I stopped working now, I may never get back to it. Yeah, I'm one of those people.

"Ma's not home yet and I really don't wanna leave Dad alone."

"When she coming home?"

"Honestly? I don't know. She went out with Sylvia a few hours ago."

"What about when she gets back?"

"Why don't we just do dinner tomorrow, huh?" He was silent which made me wonder if he was just gonna say "forget it." It didn't help that he sighed into the phone which made my heart sink. I felt terrible.

"Guess I'll just take a rain check then," he said. "You busy tomorrow around 7?" Oh thank God, I thought as I slumped into the chair by the phone.

"Yeah, sounds great," I smiled.

"Cool, meet me at the shop?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Good. Later cupcake."

Cupcake. I was grinning from ear to ear after I hung up the phone, lost in my thoughts.

"Who's that that has you smiling so big? Your boooooyfriend?" Dad loved to kid. I was surprised he was able to sneak up on me given the sound of his tank but he did it.

"What are you doing up?"

"What are you doing letting me sleep all day?"

"You noticed that, huh?" I laughed, getting up from the chair to walk over and give him a hug. "You hungry?"

I set Dad up in the living room and began to make his lunch when Ma came in.

"How'd it go?"

"BP IS NORMAL, OXYGEN IS A LITTLE LOW SO THEY UP'D MY DOSAGE. GOT ANOTHER SCRIPT FOR MY HEART. CHARLIE LET ME SLEEP ALL DAY. IT WAS A GOOD DAY!" Dad shouted from the living room before I could inform her myself.

"Well, did you get the stuff for your rooms?"

"I did. I have to move some stuff out of the room to start painting it."

"Put it in Berta's room across the hall for the time being and move it back in when you're done."

I finished making Dad his lunch and went back to work upstairs. I was able to move the bed and stuff out before painting the room an off white, save for one wall where the headboard of my bed was going to go. This wall, I painted a red to accent the new red plaid bedding I bought. It is one wall, I thought. She'll get over it. When she finally came upstairs to bring me dinner, she wasn't pleased.

"YOU SAID YOU GOT A WHITE!"

"I DID! I just, you know, wanted one wall red."

"Charlotte, YOU will be painting this wall before you leave here, you hear me?" I rolled my eyes and nodded.

Another hour or so had passed and I was done painting. Stuff seemed dry enough so I slowly started to move stuff back into my room. I know I probably should've waited longer but I'm very impatient and had the windows opened most of the day so I thought it'd be ok. Still, probably not good for me, what with the fumes, but I didn't care.

I set my bed back up by the wall with the mattress and moved the desk up from its original location to in front of the window. I moved my record player and speaker to where my desk was and played another record as I built the bookcases I had purchased. As I sat on the bare mattress reading the instructions, I was hit in the leg with a small pebble. It scared the hell out of me as I thought maybe a big bug attacked me. (I know, unreasonable but bugs scare me.)

I immediately turned the record player down and sat back on the bed. I heard someone whisper "shit" from below my window and I waited, grabbing my phone in the process ready to dial 911. Then, I heard a pebble hit the top part of the window. When I finally mustered up the courage to look outside the window. Bender was standing there looking up at me.

"Ain't there a play or something that starts like this?" He asked in a whisper.

"Yeah. What's up, Romeo?" I said, trying to sound unimpressed but mentally, I was jumping around like a spastic school girl.

"Bored. Still working on your room?"

"Yes, but my Mommy says I can't have boys over," I smirked.

"Shame," he said as he kicked a rock. "Guess that means you'll have to come down here then." He met my eyes again and clicked his tongue. I turned back into my room and saw the piles of particle board, aka potential book cases, laying around and sighed. I'll do it later, I thought.

"Yeah, alright," I said and motioned for him to stay put. Grabbing my jean jacket and opting for boots as opposed to my chucks, I met him in the front yard. "Hey," I said quietly as he flicked his cigarette into the yard.

"You up for a walk?" He asked. Luckily, it was a bit warmer than it had been yesterday. When you've lived in the Chicagoland area all your life, your body acclimatizes to the frequent weather changes. So, while 55 degrees was still cold, it wasn't as cold as, say, the 23 degrees it was the day before. Anyway, I nodded and we started walking in the direction of, what I assumed was, the park. As we walked that way, I remembered how I hadn't really smoked all day, so I dug in my pocket to grab one. I stopped for a sec to light it. Bender walked a couple steps ahead but, stopped when he noticed I wasn't beside him.

"You shouldn't smoke you know. Gives you cancer." He smiled and I took a drag and blew the smoke in his direction.

"Totally?" I said sarcastically. I hadn't noticed before, but he seemed to hold onto past things too; I recognized both his scarf and trench coat. He motioned for me to "come on" and we continued walking. "So, what do I owe the extreme pleasure of a late night romp?"

"I told you, I was bored. Figured you'd be too. What made you do your room again?"

"It was basically a time capsule of my high school agony and it's pink. All pink." He laughed. "What?"

"I never would've taken you for a pink kind of gal."

"Yeah, well, time to get rid of things I guess."

"Yeah, I hear ya," and he dug in his pocket for another smoke, "so what did you paint it?"

"Well, I wanted to paint it red, but Ma said no so I bought this antique white and painted it but painted one of the walls the deep red I wanted."

"You little rebel you." He smirked and I stuck my tongue out at him. We finally reached the park and made our way to the swings. Parts of the playground had snow still on or around it, but the swings seemed ok. That was until I sat on them and nearly froze my ass off. I made a squeak and Bender laughed. "Cold?"

"Fuckin' A. It's freezing."

"I could warm it for you. Your butt, not the swing," but then he sat on it and a sort of "yip" noise causing me to laugh hysterically.

"Hahaha! You can't even take care of yourself, what makes you think I'd trust you to do the same for me?"

"We talking here or overall?" That kinda through me for a loop. What did he meanby that, I wondered? I kind stared at him from my swing, my butt slowly getting used to the cold of the rubber seat. Bender laughed and sat back down next to me, "KIDDING!" he laughed and threw his cigarette to the ground before starting to swing.

I looked at him for a sec before starting to swing myself.

"Did you ever swing yourself so high and try to jump off?" That was my attempt at steering the conversation elsewhere as Bender pondered the question.

"Always. You?"

"Nope," I said trying to make myself go higher, "Never. Too Scared."

"Chicken."

"I AM, thank you!" And we laughed. I watched as he started to vigorously push himself, making himself swing higher and higher until I heard him shout, "GERONIMO!" and he jumped off the swing, landing on his feet. "Now, you try," he shouted but I shook my head no and started to let myself slow down a bit.

"Riley, take a chance and jump," I could hear him but his voice was faint. It was weird. One moment, I had been swinging on a swing set and the next, I was thinking like I was back in elementary school, terrified to do anything, let alone jump. As I thought it over, I snapped out of it when I heard his voice again, "JUST JUMP," and, to my surprise, I listened. However, I wasn't really focused on my feet or the ground and instead of landing on my feet, I kinda landed on my ass and skid a bit. Bender was by my side in an instant, crouched over me wanting to help me up but afraid to touch me in case I had seriously damaged or broken something. "Jesus, are you alright? I'm sorry, I fucked up-Riles, you ok?"

"I think…" I said, as I brought my scratched palms up to my face so I can see the damage. Not as bad as I thought but they stung something awful. Bender waited on baited breath for me to continue my analysis.

"Yeah," he asked impatiently.

"I think..I broke my ass." Bender sighed a bit of relief as he placed his hand on my cheek.

"Seriously, you ok, Cupcake?" I looked up at him and nodded.

"I just, I need you to help me up," and he did. When he pulled me up, he had managed to pull me extremely close to him.

As I looked up at him, realizing he still hadn't let go of my hands, watched him lean in closer. As his forehead touched mine, I exhaled creating a cloud of fog in the cold weather. He smiled and gently kissed my lips. As he pulled away I smiled and shivered a bit. Without moving his forehead away from mine, he wrapped his trench coat around the both of us allowing me to wrap my arms around his waist. He moved his face to kiss my forehead before pulling me in closer and rested his chin on the top of my head. I grinned and snuggled my face in his chest before taking a step back to look at him.

"Truth or dare?" He asked and I looked at him puzzled.

"Truth," I said, wondering what exactly he was getting at. He grinned.

"Did you really have a crush on me in high school?"

"Really?" I asked and he nodded. "Yes. I did, but I was too scared to talk to you." He nodded as if to say, "fair enough." "Alright," I said, "what about you? Truth or dare?"

He thought for a moment before he said, "Truth." That threw me for a loop and though I had a million questions desperately wanting to be answered about what this was, what were we doing, etc, one question I've always wondered instantly popped into my head.

"Did you have a crush on me in high school?" He pondered for a moment before pursing his lips together. "Really," he asked and I nodded.

"I thought you were cute," he grinned and I poked him in the stomach causing him to "yip" again and chuckle.

"That's it? You thought I was cute?" He grinned and poked me on the nose before nodding, moving closer to kiss me again, but I stopped him. "What about now?"

"That's not how truth or dare works. It's my turn to ask you. Truth or dare?" I sighed as I stepped out of our warm embrace and looked at him. "Truth."

"God, you're so lame," He laughed to himself but I was getting a little miffed so I threw my hands up and said, "Fine, dare." He smiled and walked towards me, closing the distance between us once again. "I dare you to spend the night with me."

"What?"

"What? I dare you to-"

"John, I know what you asked me, but we've been talking to each other for, what, a day now? Don't you think that's pushing things really quickly?"

"Yeah, but like, you've liked me, I like you-"

"And what, you expect me to just lay on my back and let you screw me or something? John, listen, I like you a lot, I do, but like, I gotta be honest, I'm more familiar with your persona than I am you, you know?" He looked at me dumbfounded before sticking his hands into the pockets of his trench coat.

"S'not what I was asking. And what do you mean by my persona?"

"Well, what exactly did you think would happen if I spent the night with you, John? I've been admiring you from a far for so fucking long that I feel like I don't even know you. I know of Bender, the sarcastic 'criminal' that used to give Vernon hell and who I watched verbally cut down one of his, I'm assuming, ex-girlfriends, but I don't know John. I mean, you think you know everything there is to know about me?"

"You came back to take care of your Dad. You were really smart in high school and were friends with Allison and Brian. We had detention once."

"So, that's all the foundation you need to not only start a relationship, but to sleep with someone?"

"Hey, I said I liked you," and by the tone of his voice, I could see I had finally been getting somewhere with him.

"And I'm telling you I like you to, but this high school mentality has gotta go, man. I'm not gonna fuck you just because you like me." He remained quiet for a second and I could see him exhaling through his mouth as if he was trying to calm himself down. "John, I-"

"What do you want me to say?" He suddenly became very defensive and short in his remarks. I sighed. To be honest, there was nothing I wanted more than to just sleep with him but that's not all I wanted from him. I wanted his respect-I don't screw to get respect. I wanted to get to know him and I wanted him to know me. I had only been in these kind of waste of time, fuck-buddy like relationships for so long that I wanted something real for once. I mean, I don't know, maybe things with Bender wouldn't work out but the fact that I wanted to actually give it a try spoke volumes to me and so, I wanted him to be on the same page. I didn't want him to just like me…I wanted him to love me. And as much as it hurt me to stand there and look at him visually hurt but not wanting to show it, if he wasn't willing to work with me, I had to walk away.

"Bender, I don't want to rush into things."

"So, you're a liar."

"What?"

"You said you liked me."

"John, I do! But I want to date you. I want to go on dates and let feelings grow and shit." He stood there and took in the words. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out the next thing that popped into my head. "And I don't want you to just think I'm 'cute' and 'like' me, but lo-"and I stopped and he snapped his head up at me with his eyes wide.

"You want me to what?" And Bender moved to close the distance again and he was breathing really heavily, "Say it." His look was nothing short of intense. So intense, in fact, that I didn't really know what to expect.

"I want you to love me," I said in a low tone and I looked to the ground. When I looked back up, he was still staring deeply at me. I couldn't even hold his gaze for long and so I looked back down at my shoes. "And, if, you know, you don't want to do that, I understand but, I need you to understand that, if you don't wanna do that that this, whatever this is, is over." I swallowed and looked up at him again. At this point, my eyes began to swell with tears but I had to stand my ground. As much as I wanted to look back down at the ground and away from him, I wouldn't do it. I stared at him and he at me for what felt like an eternity before he scoffed and looked away.

"I'll walk you home," he said and walked past me but I stood my ground. He stopped after seeing I hadn't moved and asked, "Are you coming?"

We walked back to my house in silence, chain-smoking the entire way. When we reached my house, I turned to say good night but he had booked it to his car that was parked across the street from my house and drove off like a bat out of hell. I watched as his head lights continued to the end of my street and disappear after he turned the corner. I checked my watch-1 AM. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it. After I took a drag, it was as if the entire realization of what just happened hit me again and I sat on the bottom of my porch steps and sobbed. I had ended this before it even began.

….

I had a hard time sleeping the next couple nights. I hadn't heard from him but I could've swore I saw his car drive by the house one night really late while I was up writing. I barely ate or slept and every time my parents asked what was wrong, I lied and said I was sick. Finally, after about a week of this going on, Ma told me to get upstairs and stay there for the weekend. I took the tv/vcr outta Berta's room so I didn't have to go downstairs to fight over the tv.

I beat myself up the first couple days too. You like someone for so long and, the moment they give you the attention you've desperately craved for, Jesus, years now, you take it and crush it like a can of beer against a frat boy's face. I mean, he did say he liked me. He seemed like he wanted to be with me, but to jump into "Spend the night with me?" What the fuck kind of shit is that? We're fucking 25. Yeah, we're still young but, like, I want more. I deserve more. I just remember how my last relationship ended.

Basically, a friend and I became "no strings attached fuck buddies." Now, that's all fine and dandy if you're both able to not develop any form of romantic attachment to each other. That's where I failed and I wanted so badly for him to want me. I even sacrificed my self-respect and just took all his bullshit. All these things/instances/personality traits that I said I would NEVER take from a guy, I took it and would've taken it from him if that meant that, one day, he'd wake up and say, "Damn, Charlie is THE ONE." Then one morning I woke and thought, "What the fuck am I doing? I deserve better," and dropped him. Of course, it caused a huge fight and we're not friends anymore but I learned a lot that day, not just about myself but about what I was willing to take/put into a relationship and the warning signs of when to leave. I guess you go through that with any breakup you have, really, until eventually, you find your "one."

Not to say that I thought Bender was the one but…I dunno.

I know what I want and I'm sticking to my guns. If he doesn't want to try and make it work, I can't force him but it's his loss, not mine.

At least, that is what I am going to keep telling myself when I find myself crying from the emotional pain of all this.

It will get better…it always does.

I hope.