"Delivery for Dinah Marler". The man at the door held the box of European chocolates out towards her.
She stood silently for a minute. The sound of the man's shuffling feet brought her back to attention. "Oh," she responded quickly, suddenly remembering her manners, "Just a second," she grabbed a few bills from her purse, "Here you go," she said forcing a smile as she reached for the box and card.
As she watched the young man walk away, she slowly pushed the door closed. Her fingers touched the ribbon as she stared at the card on top. It might as well have been ticking.
The black ink swirled, the words becoming streaks of black smudge as her tears hit the card stock. Taking a shaky breath, she made a tight fist crumpling the card within it.
"Never again," she whispered. It wasn't that she didn't want him. God did she want him, but she make that mistake...not again...not after what happened the last time. Mallet was everything she'd ever wanted. He made her feel special. He made her feel beautiful. He made her feel safe. She was beginning to let guard down with him.
"That's how it starts," she whispered. That's how it had started with Hart, but even after all the memories she had with him, the memory that stood out in her mind was how it had ended. How he had died...how she had killed him.
Hart had saved her in so many ways. When she believed she was unlovable, he loved her. When she was certain everyone would leave her, he had stayed by her side. Even when she messed up, through everything with Roger, with Bridgette, even with her mother's death he was right there. And then it happened...she could feel it...she could feel him slipping away.
She wasn't sure when it happened...when she had become dependent on someone else for her very survival, but at some point Hart had become more than a man she loved. He was more than her fiancé. He was a part of her and she needed him.
"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep living a lie." Hart stared at her as the tears streamed down her face. He didn't want to hurt her. He'd never wanted to hurt her, but somehow that's exactly what had happened.
"How is this a lie?" The words came out as a plea, and even she could the desperation in them. She didn't want to beg. In her head, she still had enough pride to be embarrassed, but in her heart, she had lost all sense of pride. She needed him, perhaps for her very survival. Without him, she wasn't sure she could go on.
"Please," she whisper again, "Please don't leave. I'll do anything you want me to do. I love you. I can't lose you...not you."
He firmly pulled her hand away from him, pushing her gently away from him. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he quickly walked from the room.
She could still hear the sound of that door. She still remembered the feel of it against her back as she slid down the cool, wooden surface. She remembered thinking that she would get him back, and at the time, she truly believed she would. Losing him was not an option.
In the end, she had lost him and she had no one to blame but herself. She had taken his life-just as he had taken hers, but she still had to live everyday. She had to live with what she'd done..with what she'd lost...with what she'd never have again.
Picking up the phone, she dialed Mallet's number. Closing her eyes in grateful thanks, she listened to his voice mail prompt. At the beep she spoke quickly, "Listen Mallet, I got the chocolates and the card and it was really sweet of you, but I just can't be in that place with someone right...well ever. If I could, you would be a great," She paused, sighing and silently wishing there was a delete key on voicemail. "Look, I'm sorry. You're a really great guy, but I'm not a great girl.
She looked down at the card again. "What I feel when I'm with you...I haven't felt that in a really long time. It just can't happen. It can't. I wish..." She stopped herself again. "I'm sorry. It just can't work." She closed the phone quickly, forcing herself to end the misery.
She wouldn't allow herself to love again...not in a world that could be such a hopeless place.