The shock at seeing Reapers at work to repair the Mass Relay had been nothing compared to the utter horror of seeing one of those massive machines fly up to their ship in what appeared to be an effort to crush it. At first Joker and EDI had tried to turn the Normandy around, but the sudden burst of static on their short range comms, followed by the eerie, booming voice of a Reaper querying them on their status, had convinced them that whatever Shepard had done, it had changed the Reapers profoundly.

Still, it was unnerving to see the massive machine looming over them while all sorts of little machines zoomed around outside the Normandy, busily repairing the damage the ship had sustained. After a few minutes EDI had informed the crew that the Reaper had told her everything that had transpired after Shepard had entered the beam. Without going into specifics she explained that the commander had chosen to become one with the intelligence behind the Reapers to give them a different perspective, a more human one for lack of a better description, which had ultimately resulted in Shepard's demise.

Kaidan was already on his way down when he heard EDI's message. Never before had he been so acutely aware of how slow the elevator moved. He practically leapt through the doors as soon as they opened wide enough and was in the airlock before anyone could react.

"Kaidan, wait! You don't know what this means, he could be-"

Click. A quick tap against his helmet shut off the short range comms. He pressed his palm against the lock and it opened obediently. Both his Alliance rank and his Spectre-status had granted him the command of the Normandy, even though it was still unofficial. Of course EDI could've stopped him, but she didn't. Perhaps she understood why he needed to do this. Because he had to ask. He had to know. If there was a chance, no matter how slim, that Shepard might still be alive in some way or form, then he had to know.

The air was sucked out of the airlock. The light turned green and the outer doors opened. Silence. The only sound was the sound of his own breathing. He took a step forward. Then another one. Another. Until he could see the hull of the Normandy. It was crawling with little metallic bug-like things. When he placed his right foot on the hull the loud 'clank' made those closest-by freeze. Then, as one, tiny blue lights flickered on when a group of the bugs turned to face him.

His short range comm crackled louder and louder before the sound sort of fizzled out. A strange, high-pitched whine followed that made him grab his head and scream in pain. The sound stopped abruptly. A few moments of silence followed. Then the comm crackled again, softer this time. The crackling became more pronounced, changed in tone, until suddenly Kaidan heard words. Words that didn't make sense, not at first. But then-

"… Alenko…"

His heart stopped. He couldn't breathe. His knees buckled and he was sure he'd either fall down or lose his balance and float off into space. The bugs responded immediately. Faster than the human eye could see they grouped up and flowed towards him. The living wave enveloped his legs, his waist, his chest. The embrace was gentle, but held enough force to anchor him to the Normandy's hull. Kaiden felt how the soles of his boots re-attached themselves to the metal skin of the ship. With him safe the bugs retreated. Their blue lights faded as they resumed their duties.

It was as if nothing had happened. Kaidan wasn't sure something had. Surely the voice he'd heard was nothing but his imagination gone wild. And the way those things had saved him, it couldn't be-

"… Alenko. Major Kaidan Alenko. I know you can hear me."

It was him. The voice. It was Shepard. But it couldn't be. He was hallucinating. He'd fallen, hit his head. He was still back in their, no, his, cabin. They'd never left the planet. They'd crashed. He was unconscious, maybe even dead.

"Alenko. Kaidan. Talk to me. I know you can hear me. Please answer me."

It was his voice, but at the same time it was not. Something was different. Some undefinable human aspect was missing. Whoever was talking sounded like Shepard. Talked like him, even. But it wasn't him. Not really.

"Yeah, I can hear you. Who is this?"

Kaidan hoped his voice didn't sound as tired, as flat as he felt.

"You know who I am. Or rather, who I was. Once. A lifetime ago."

"… Shepard."

"Yes. And no. He is part of me. I am part of him. We are one. He changed me. Changed us. Gave us a new perspective. We understand now. Our, my solution was flawed. The man I once was gave us the possibility to incorporate new information into our equations. He showed us the error of our ways. Synthetics and organics don't have to fall into the same patterns our creators once witnessed. This is the new solution. The cycle has ended. I am the accumulation of all that came before. Shepard sacrificed himself to save all of you. All of us. We are one."

Again Kaidan's knees buckled. He shook his head in utter disbelief while het mouthed the word 'no' over and over again. This couldn't be. It was wrong, so very wrong! The man he once loved, the man he still loved, was dead and this, this thing had taken his place! Without him even realizing it the bugs had moved like they'd done before, had anchored him again to keep him safe.

"Kaidan."

The voice demanded his attention, but he refused to acknowledge it. No, he thought. NO.

"Kaidan."

(Kaidan)

Inside his mind. He could hear this thing, this monstrosity inside his mind. How was that even possible?

"Kaidan, listen to me."

(you have to listen to me)

NO.

"Don't be a fool."

(listen to me just listen to me i am here I am still here underneath it all i am still here)

His head, his thoughts felt like they were being squeezed and prodded and stretched at the same time. Images floated in and out of his perception at the edge of his vision, like someone was forcing him to look in a direction that shouldn't be possible. A presence tugged at his mind. His implants were flaring up, he could feel them, red-hot beneath his skull. A dull headache took shape behind his eyes. He could hear himself cry out in pain, in defiance.

His biotic powers started to go haywire, causing several bugs to be flung into space. Beneath his feet the hull of the Normandy was trembling. He felt as if he was being indoctrinated right here and now, that he and his friends had fallen into some sort of elaborate Reaper trap. Shepard hadn't made it to the Citadel and the Reapers had won.

"Stop resisting me, Kaidan. It'll only hurt more. This is the best way for us to communicate. I can show rather than tell. I have that power now. This is not indoctrination. But I could. I could force myself into your petty consciousness. I could dominate you, drown out your will, make you listen to me whether you wanted to or not. But only if you make me."

(please listen just listen i won't hurt you i want to talk explain tell you what happened)

Two voices. One in his ears, one in his head. Neither was Shepard and yet they were. He heard it in that last sentence. The implied threat, the cold, unwavering steel Kaidan had seen and heard in the Commander's voice on several occasions.

"… y-yes…"

It was all he was capable of saying, but it was enough. The massive, invisible weight lifted from his thoughts immediately. His implants returned to their neutral state, his headache disappeared almost straight away. However, even with his senses and his will returned to him, the living metal carpet that had wound itself around his legs wouldn't let him go.

"Good. I am Shepard. I am what's left of him after he gave himself to the Catalyst, to the Reapers."

(still here i'm still here Kaidan don't worry i am here i am still here)

"But I am not the one you remember as Shepard. I am more than the sum of his and my parts. I am-"

"Stop."

It was a small word, spoken softly, but with such vehemence, such conviction, that it shut the Reaper presence up as effectively as terminating the comm link would have.

"Will you just stop for a second and listen to yourself? You're not Shepard. You're not even close to being Shepard. You're a fake, a fraud! You may think you're Shepard, may talk like Shepard – although you still have a lot to learn in that regard – and may even act like Shepard, but you're not Shepard! You're a monster, no matter what you say or do. You took him from us, from me, and this, this charade is nothing but the final insult to the man and the memories of the man he was! James Shepard is DEAD and you've merely confirmed that!"

This time when his implants flared up it was because of his own rising anger. Kaidan felt the power of his biotics surge through him. He clenched his fists, felt the muscles in his neck tense and he glared at the Reaper that towered over the Normandy.

"I came here to find out what had happened to him. Now I know. Release me or I'll crush every last one of your metallic roaches without hesitation."

It felt like an eternity before an answer came. Kaidan stared at the massive Reaper and he was sure it was staring back at him. Suddenly a visible shudder sent torrents of blue energy cascading along the hull of the Reaper. At the same time the bugs moved away from him with the same speed they'd employed to grab him.

As soon as he was free to move Kaidan turned his back on the sentient machine and made his way to the airlock. Once inside he closed his eyes and rested his head against the inner wall. The airlock closed and the small space filled up quickly with breathable air. He undid the clamps on his helmet and was about to take it off when his comm crackled.

"I am sorry you feel that way, but I cannot undo what has been done. The repairs are almost complete. Both your ship and the mass relay will be fully functional within the hour."

This time the words weren't accompanied by that strange, haunting shadow voice that made his heart ache. Kaidan didn't bother to respond. He removed his helmet, then keyed in the sequence to open the door.

"Kaidan, are you al-"

(i am sorry i never wanted to leave you but i am here Kaidan i am still here always here if you want to talk)

EDI never got a chance to finish her sentence. For the second time in one day Kaidan brushed past one of his friends in a desperate need to be alone. He all but ran to the elevator and ignored any and all concerned questions. The door opened as if to welcome him and he was sure that again it was EDI's way of letting him know she understood. The time it took to reach the top floor seemed to last forever, but when he finally arrived in the safety and silence of his cabin he fell to his knees and finally broke down.

Contrary to what he'd expected he didn't lose his mind, not exactly. But he definitely lost something when wave after wave of buried sorrow, anger and pain washed away the last remnants of his shattered hope.