Normalcy is Overrated

AU Written pre-HBP. With Lord Voldemort busy with...other things, is it possible for Harry to have a normal 6th year? ...Probably not. RHr HG

A/N: Wow, I finally got some reviews! Princess-Perfect—Thanx so much for the positive feedback! SerenityRose016—The mysterious writer? Oh, you'd like to know, wouldn't you...Muahahahahahaha...

Disclaimer: Dude, what did I just say?

Chapter 2: By Evil, We Mean Psychotic

"Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb." –Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

XxXxX

Ding-dong. "Mail's here!" yelled some nameless henchperson. Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange shoved people out of their way to answer the door first.

"Here, I'll need you to sign for this," the UPS guy said, holding out the electronic signature thing. Lucius signed for the package, which was about 3 feet tall, 2 feet wide, and weighed easily 120 pounds.

"Carry it in, Bella," he told her after the UPS guy left.

"Excuse me?" she snarled angrily. "You carry it in, you signed for it."

"I'm not carrying it in! I might break a nail."

"Oh, for crying out—Jugson! Carry that in!" Bellatrix yelled to the Death Eater who had gotten his head stuck in the time jar. "Carry it in, and you get a cookie," she added.

With the question of carrying the package in solved, Bella had more important issues to discuss. "Lucius, remind me again why we moved our Supreme Headquarters of Death to the Rho Alpha Tau fraternity off the campus of a Muggle college?"

"Because," Lucius said simply.

"Because why?" Bella demanded.

"Because I don't know!"

The both of them walked to the improvised dining room, where Jugson had set the mysterious package down and run off to do important things like shove marbles up his nose.

"So...what's in the box?" Bellatrix wondered aloud, looking at the address label. There was no return address, and the box was made out to a "Mr. Dork Lord, number 14 Beach Lane."

"Hmm...That's odd. Our address is number 14 Beach Row," Bella said.

"What? That can't be right..." Lucius bent over to check the label, but was interrupted by the arrival of someone wearing ducky pajamas and fuzzy rabbit slippers, clutching a teddy bear.

"What time is it?" asked the person, yawning.

"Uhh, it is 12:13 in the afternoon, your Supreme Dark Lordship, sir," Lucius answered in a disgustingly obsequious suck-uppy voice.

"YOU WOKE ME UP TOO EARLY!" Voldemort thundered in his mighty and powerful way. Even his duckies, rabbit slippers, and teddy bear seemed to quiver with fury. "Now, you must give me my package, because I am expecting a very important set of books that are already 4 DAYS LATE!"

Without waiting for a reply, he tore open the package to find...a pinball machine (some assembly required). "What is this? WHAT IS THIS, I ASK YOU!"

"It's obviously a...demonic training device!" Bella stammered. None of the Death Eaters would know what it was, because none were Muggleborn. "Yes, you put it together...and...it hones your, uh, reflexes, and tests your knowledge of, um...strategy!"

"Yes, it obviously was a free gift," Lucius caught on. "With your books, I mean. They probably mail one to everyone who orders..."

Voldemort, however, was already fitting the legs to the table and putting in the 24 "D" batteries that were included. "Do you know what this is? IT'S A PINBALL MACHINE!" he cried out in joy.

"Uhh..." Lucius and Bellatrix had the exact reaction.

But Voldemort didn't care; indeed he barely seemed to notice them. "I remember...the hellhole of an orphanage they sent me to had the most wonderful pinball machine. I'd always wanted to play, but..." He drifted off, his knuckles whitening on the edge of the table. "I never got a chance. This boy named...Kevin," he spat with distaste, like the name was poisonous, "was always hogging it. All the other children would sing the most irritating song around him... "Pinball Wizard", I believe it was called...

"Pinball wizard—I'll show them a pinball wizard!" Voldemort continued. "I WILL CONQUER THE GAME OF PINBALL! AND THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD! With that, the table was assembled and ready. He pulled back on the plunger and launched a pinball, with his long white fingers poisedand ready on the buttons...

...while the pinball sank right through the bottom center hole without the slightest shred of resistance from either flipper.

Voldie's ever-present evil scowl deepened and he launched another ball, which also found itself untouched by the flippers as it, too, sank to the bottom.

"Uh, Your Supreme Darkness?" Bella bravely ventured as Voldemort launched a third doomed ball. "I know that...um, pingball?...is very...important to you, but...how will it help you rule the world? What about taking out the kid?"

At that, Voldemort involuntarily twitched, which allowed his fourth ball the freedom to join its comrades at the bottom. "YOU MADE ME LOSE MY BALL!" he bellowed, but stopped and considered her words.

"Hmm, you may be right. I must conquer the game of pinball, so that I may defeat..." His red eyes narrowed. "...Kevin McSorbo." (A/N: Note that I have changed his name for Witness Protection purposes)

"Uhh, don't you mean-" Lucius tried to say, but was interrupted.

"SILENCE! I AM BUSY CONQUERING THIS PINBALL MACHINE!" Voldemort screamed.

Bella and Lucius simply looked at each other. This wasn't good.

A/N: Wow, so many new questions. If their address was really Beach Row, and not Lane, then who was the package really intended for? Will Voldemort ever enact his revenge on Kevin McSorbo? Do you think Bella and Lucius have the hots for each other? Once more, these questions will not be answered until I get my reviews!