Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews
Chapter 2 – Breathe
So cradle your head in your hands and breathe, just breathe – Anna Nalick
"No. No. No," Johanna kept saying internally the next morning as she and Jim sat at the kitchen table listening to Kate and Rick explain their idea to release a photo of the two of them together. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to give into demands, even if it was a miniscule one…but once you gave in once, they'd keep nagging for you to give in again and again and before she'd know it, she'd be one of those People magazine cover stories and having a 20/20 interview with Barbara Walters. No. Hell no. It wasn't ever going to happen. She just needed some space, some time to learn to breathe properly again; but there was always some roadblock in the way, something to keep her from letting her guard down completely.
"So, what do you think?" Kate asked after she and Castle finished the explanation of their plan.
"I don't know, Katie," she said hesitantly. "It seems to me that it would only make them want more."
"They're going to want more either way," Castle stated before Kate could form a response. "But in the meantime, they'll be satisfied."
Johanna didn't like it. It still felt like giving in and giving in just seemed like it would bring the vultures down upon them twice as hard and she didn't think either one of them needed that.
"What are you thinking about, Mom?"
"That I hate to give in to their demands, even in a small way."
Kate raked a hand through her hair. "I don't like the idea any more than you do but I hate being hounded even more. I'm also not fond of the accusation that I hate you just because we haven't been seen together publicly."
"It doesn't matter what they think," Johanna stated. "Their opinions shouldn't dictate our actions."
Kate's patience felt as though it was stretched thin that morning and she knew it was due in part to a largely restless night spent pondering her options. She hadn't counted on her mother's stubbornness as a stumbling block in her quest for relief. "It's just a picture," she stated; her tone somewhat clipped as she held her mother's gaze. "I'm not asking you to talk to anyone or to compromise your principals. They're taking pictures of you anyway...on the rare occasion that you actually put a foot outside the door, so what's the big deal? Do you hear what they're saying about you?"
Johanna scoffed. "No, Kate; I magically lose the ability to understand English when the press is talking about me and calling me names. I also magically lose the ability to read when it's in print."
She smirked. "I see you're running high on sarcasm this morning."
"She didn't sleep well, Katie," Jim remarked as he sat a fresh cup of coffee down in front of his wife before re-taking a seat next to her.
"And I didn't wake up in the best of moods," Johanna admitted.
"I knew we should've called first," Castle muttered.
"I didn't sleep well and my mood isn't all that great either," Kate retorted. "But I'm trying to find a way to get the media off our backs a little and this is the only solution that Castle and I were able to come up with that I was agreeable to. Maybe it doesn't bother you to have people following you around and shouting things at your back but it sure as hell bothers me."
"You can't seriously think that I'm not bothered by it!" Johanna exclaimed.
"Well if you're willing to put up with it without even trying to head it off in one way or another, then maybe you aren't as bothered as you claim to be."
Johanna felt like she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she didn't do this, Kate would be angry. If she did do it, things had the potential for getting worse media wise, or staying the same.
"Jim?" she said as she glanced at her husband; hoping he'd have an answer...or that just maybe he'd make the decision for her this time. If he had any qualms about the idea, then her answer would be no…and she had to admit, there was a little part of her hoping that he'd be in one of those demanding, putting his foot down moods.
Jim's gaze was full of understanding, but she saw no answer in his eyes and her heart sank a little. "It's your choice, Johanna. If you don't feel comfortable and you don't want to do it, then you don't have to. If you want to go along with it and see if it helps, I'll support that decision too."
"You're going to have to deal with them at some point, Johanna," Castle remarked. "You're not going to be able to hide forever."
The comment chaffed her and she was growing weary of being accused of hiding. Every time she turned around, that word was being thrown at her. Was it so wrong to want peace and privacy while her wounds healed and she sorted out the pieces of her life and tried to put them back together?
"Hell will freeze over before I sit down with Barbara Walters and give her my life story," she said tartly.
"I didn't say you had to talk to Barbara," he replied. "I'm just saying that eventually you're going to have to deal with this publicly. Although if you did decide to talk about it, Barbara Walters wouldn't be a bad choice; if you cry, everyone will blame it on her," he stated with a grin.
The older woman frowned. "I will not be another Barbara Walters sob story."
"She's not talking to anyone," Jim proclaimed. "They're picking her apart enough; I'll be damned if she's going to have to sit down and have it done to her face."
"We are not talking interviews; she doesn't have to talk to anyone!" Kate exclaimed. "All she has to do is sit down beside me for thirty seconds and have one damn picture taken, okay? You have the luxury of hiding in this house, but I don't. I have a job; I have to go out every day. I don't get to escape it the way you do."
"I hate how you act like I don't leave this house," Johanna retorted. "I go out! And I don't see where I get to escape anything when they're camped outside half the time."
"You go out when Dad makes you," her daughter retorted. "And you're locked inside this house when they're outside; they're not following you around when you're trying to do your job because you don't have one. I have one, and unfortunately it's a job I have to conduct in public most of the time and they get follow along like a pack of rabid wolves. I thought you'd understand that."
"Katie," Jim said; his tone laced with warning. "Back off."
"No," she responded. "You don't get it, I'm out trying to do my job and reporters are following me and shouting questions and getting in the way. Then other officers or Ryan and Esposito have to stop what they're doing and run them off. I go out on a date and I can't even hold hands because I'm being watched. If you won't do it for yourself, you could at least do it for me. Can't you do that much for me?"
She played her ace card, Johanna thought as she swallowed hard. The words she had uttered the night before about how Kate would eventually feel, hung ominously in the air as she studied the tightness of her daughter's jaw. It was already starting. Kate had more at stake and more to lose than she did. It was only right that her feelings be sacrificed; she could deal for awhile longer. "Alright, Katie; I'll do it for you," she answered. "When do you want to do it?"
Kate glanced at her watch. "I don't have time right now, but maybe we can come back on my lunch break and take the picture then. I'll call first."
"Fine, that will give me time to go to the store first."
Jim glanced at Johanna in surprise. "You're ready to venture out again so soon?"
"No, but I will."
"Don't you get it, Dad? She wants to stock up before the picture is released so she won't have to go out for awhile."
"Is that what it is, Jo?"
Johanna sighed; she really wasn't in the mood for this today. "Mainly it's because I'm out of sugar and because we could use a few other things as well."
"And the rest of it is the press?" he asked.
"So what if it is? I hate feeling like I'm the main attraction at the freak show, I told you that."
"Johanna," Castle spoke up as he laid a hand on Kate's knee; feeling the agitation radiating from her body. "I really don't think that releasing this picture is going to be a big deal. It'll make a little splash as we satisfy their curiosity, but you don't need to worry."
Johanna nearly scoffed; that was easy for him to say. She couldn't remember the last time she had no worries. Maybe he had no worries but she sure as hell had a boatload full…a boat that never seemed to empty. She couldn't express that however, she didn't want to risk offending him or her daughter and she nodded and forced a smile to her lips as she met her daughter's eye. "I'll be better by lunch time, Katie. I promise. I'm sorry."
"It's fine," she replied; taking a long moment to study her mother. She was feeling the pressure today, Kate mused; but of course so was she. There was a momentary twinge of regret for being terse with her...but on the other hand it seemed like it needed to be done. Her mother wasn't bouncing back as quickly as she had hoped now that she was home. If anything, being home only seemed to make her issues worse, or more pronounced, whatever the case may be. As much as she hated to think it, she couldn't help but feel like her father was enabling her mother by coddling her. Sure he made her go out every so many days, but other than that, she didn't think he was forcing her to show much effort at returning to normal...or as normal as they could be.
Johanna Beckett wasn't a woman who needed coddled, Kate thought as she listened to the voices around the table discuss the media pressure and the sudden need to go to the market. No, coddling wasn't good for her. She needed a shove; just like she had needed one when she had been acting like a doormat when she had first came home. She had shoved her then and made her find that missing piece of herself...and it looked like she was going to have to sit down and pencil 'Shove Mom' into her schedule every so often...because it needed done, and apparently the person who was supposed to be doing it, didn't have the heart for it yet.
"You know," Johanna said, "You all want me to go out more and when I say I want to go to the store, you act like I'm committing some crime."
Jim shook his head. "That's not the case at all. If you want to go to the store, I'll take you. When do you want to leave?"
"I'll wash up the breakfast dishes and then I'll get ready," Johanna answered. "Katie, do you want to take a piece of cake take to work?"
Kate smiled and looked to Castle. "That's her subtle way of telling us to get the hell out."
He laughed. "At least she offered you cake, I didn't get offered anything."
Johanna smirked at him. "You know I'm going to give you a piece."
"You're not going to spit on it first, are you?" he asked.
Johanna smiled; amusement finding it's way into her eyes. "I haven't decided yet. It'll be a surprise."
"I'll make Kate try it first."
"I'm surprised you didn't say you'd switch your piece with mine," Kate responded.
"I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't think of that...clearly it's a bad morning all around."
"Don't worry, Castle; you can redeem yourself at the murder board," she replied as her mother rose to cut them each a piece of cake.
"I better send some for Ryan and Esposito," Johanna remarked as she took a few plastic containers from the cabinet.
"If you don't want whiny phone calls about unfairness and being deprived, you probably should," Kate agreed.
"I definitely don't want that," the older woman replied. "I have enough problems."
"Hopefully this picture will eliminate one of your problems," Kate told her. "Or at the very least, tone it down some."
"I guess only time will," Johanna replied as she finished putting cake into containers and carried them to the table. "Do you need silverware?"
"No; we have a large stash of take out packets of plastic forks," her daughter assured as she and Castle rose from the table. "I'll bring your bowls back."
Johanna gave a slight nod and said goodbye to their guests, leaving Jim to walk them to the door as she gathered up mugs and retreated to the sink to wash dishes.
She had just plunged the dishes into the sink when her husband returned to the room. He paused at the counter and she could feel his eyes upon her. "What?" she asked softly.
"You don't want to do it," Jim stated.
"I definitely want to go to the market."
"That's not what I was talking about…you don't want to do the picture; do you?"
She shrugged. "It doesn't really matter; I'm doing it."
"You don't have to do it if you don't want to, Jo. I wouldn't blame you for saying no; I know what you meant about worrying about it just making things worse."
"I know you wouldn't be mad if I said no…but Katie would be and I feel like I owe it to her to do it. After everything that's happened, do I really have a right to say no when she asks me to do something for her?"
"If it's something that makes you uncomfortable; yes, you have every right."
Johanna frowned as she scrubbed a plate; she felt like her rights were somewhat limited, especially when it came to her daughter. "I'll just do it and be done with it. Why don't you get a piece of paper and a pen and I'll tell you what we need from the store so we have a list of the important things."
Jim took the hint that the subject was closed and he turned to the junk drawer to take out the pen and pad that she always wrote her shopping lists on. He didn't blame her for wanting to go to the store and stock up before the picture was released; if things amped up, he wanted her safely at home until it settled down.
Sharon Harper always preferred to do her shopping in the morning. The market was never as crowded then as it would be later in the afternoon. Shopping in the morning meant she could hear herself think, which meant that she most likely wouldn't forget half of the things she had come for, and the aisles would be easier to navigate. She turned her cart down the refrigerated aisle that housed dairy products, paying scant attention until she caught a glimpse of a couple who was sharing the aisle with her. Her heart thudded against her ribs, an old hurt rippling through her.
The woman was reading the package of a product, her profile being presented to Sharon's gaze, but she would know Johanna McKenzie Beckett anywhere. If she needed proof of the woman's identity though, she had to do nothing more than to look at the man standing next to her. There was no doubt in her mind that the man in question was Jim. No doubt at all. A small smile lifted the corner of mouth as she studied him for a second, taking in his protective stance as he hovered near his wife; his hand rubbing against the small of her back. Her feet almost made her surge forward, teasing words about him still not being able to keep his hands off of Johanna on the tip of her tongue; but she remained rooted in spot; her gaze darting back to Johanna as she placed the item in the cart and picked up something else to study.
Emotion slammed into her, causing her to grip the handle of the cart just in case it brought her to her knees. That was her best friend standing there. That was the longest friendship she had ever had; beginning at the age of seventeen. She felt the tears gathering in her eyes as she thought about that old black and white photo tucked away in her wallet. They had felt like being silly that day after their shift at the restaurant had ended, and they had dropped one of their quarter tips into a photo booth and had their picture taken together. Sharon swallowed hard; they had a case of the giggles for all three poses; and those dowdy pink uniforms they had been wearing weren't appealing in the slightest...but they were so young and carefree in that picture.
They had shared everything; clothes, shoes, books, gossip, secrets, heartaches and double dates. They had agonized together, gotten into mischief together. They had been there for each other through everything; college, jobs, breakups, engagements, marriages and babies. There had been the loss of parents, those trials of getting older, those moments when everything just seemed all wrong, and all of those moments when everything had been right. They'd had a few bumps in their friendship…but they'd always found a way to rebound.
That was her best friend...the one she had mourned for thirteen years. The one she had thought was gone forever. It felt like a hand was squeezing her heart as she openly stared at Johanna. She was torn; there was the urge to go to her, to hug her, to cry and tell her how badly she had missed her. There was also the urge to flee as anger and hurt washed over her. She wasn't sure she could handle it...and yet, how could she walk away? Her gaze flicked towards Jim and found him looking back at her.
Jim said nothing; merely kept his eyes trained upon Sharon as she debated what her next move would be. He also subtly watched his wife from the corner of his eye; praying that she wouldn't look up until Sharon had made up her mind. If she was going to flee, it would be best if Johanna was none the wiser. He wasn't sure she'd be able to handle seeing her best friend turn and walk away from her without a word.
Sharon's stare was intense, and Johanna could sense someone's eyes upon her and she knew that the gaze didn't belong to her husband. She tried to ignore it; figuring she was probably just being paranoid and that there probably wasn't anyone watching her at all, but...she could feel it. She could just feel someone's eyes boring into her and she couldn't ignore it any longer.
Johanna turned her head, seeking out the source of her unease and her gaze collided with Sharon's. It startled her; the package of yogurt almost slipping from her hand. Jim grabbed it and put it in the cart; remaining silent as the women continued to stare at each other in silence. Johanna began to move forward but then she stopped in her tracks, unsure if she was wanted or not. She was desperate to hug her friend; to tell her that she was sorry, that she missed her, and any number of things that often came to mind that she wished she could share with her. She wanted so badly to say something, but she was afraid of being shunned; afraid that Sharon would turn her back on her; and so she stood there, rooted in place, her eyes burning with tears and her throat tightening more and more with every moment that passed without a word being uttered. Sharon's face was anguished and she saw the trembling of her lip as she fought to remain composed.
Maybe she should make it easy on her and be the one to walk away, Johanna thought to herself. She couldn't stand to torment her by inflicting her presence on her...and yet it felt so difficult to walk away. Johanna lowered her head, in shame or defeat, she wasn't sure, and neither was Jim or Sharon. Jim could feel her anguish but he was at a loss about what to do. He couldn't force Sharon to speak, and he couldn't force Johanna to take the initiative when it might wind up hurting her in the end. He rubbed her back; feeling the shuddering breath that wracked her slender frame as she began to turn back towards the cart; clearly giving Sharon the okay to walk away without a word. He darted another quick look at the former secretary and saw that her head was in her hands, but then they fell away and she pushed her cart towards them. Johanna heard the wheels of the cart but she didn't dare hope that they'd stop near her...but they did.
She was afraid to lift her head; afraid now of what Sharon might say if indeed she chose to speak to her. "Sharon," she heard Jim say.
A shaky smile touched Sharon's lips. "Jim, how are you?"
"I'm fine," he answered; his hand squeezing Johanna's waist gently as she hazarded a glance at the scene taking place. "How are you?"
She scoffed softly; she wasn't all that well at the moment. "I'm...fine," she answered for lack of better words. Her eyes met Johanna's once more, and she could read the torment in her green gaze. She didn't know where she stood, and so she was waiting for her to make the first move. Sharon had known all along that that's how it would be if there paths ever crossed. Johanna never was one to force herself on someone. She released a weighted breath. "Johanna," she said; her voice soft but tinged with hurt.
Johanna felt tongue tied and awkward, but she forced herself to form a single word; not trusting herself to say more just yet. "Sharon."
Her old friend swallowed hard, and she did the same; a part of her wishing that she had just stayed home. "How are you?" Sharon finally asked.
"Okay I guess."
"That's good...I'm glad that you're okay."
Johanna's chin quivered; emotion surging forward. "Sharon; I...," she trailed off; not really wanting to have this conversation here, and yet afraid that she might not get the chance again. "I'm sorry."
The other woman nodded; her gaze darting away. "I know."
She shifted on her feet; knowing it wouldn't be wise to say more on the topic and yet at a loss about what to say in response. "I should get going," Sharon stated, unable to bear the strain between them. "I have other errands to run."
Johanna forced a wobbly smile to her lips and gave her a nod. "It was nice to see you," she said; trying so hard to keep her tone steady but failing as her voice cracked.
Sharon squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, swallowing the lump in her throat as she brushed a hand against Johanna's arm. "It was nice to see you too."
Johanna caught her hand for a moment; squeezing it as she wished that she was brave enough to just reach forward and hug her friend...but she wasn't. Her bravery was at an all time low. Sharon returned her grip though and then gently extracted her hand as she said goodbye and pushed her cart forward.
Jim wrapped an arm around his wife as she closed her eyes and tried to find her composure. Half way up the aisle, Sharon paused; the urge to turn around and go back pulling at her but she wasn't sure she was ready to give more at this point. She did turn and look back; seeing Johanna wipe away a tear as Jim whispered something in her ear. "Jo," she called out before she could stop herself, her tone as wobbly as Johanna's smile had been.
Her head snapped up and she turned in Sharon's direction, hoping for what, she wasn't sure.
"I'll call you...soon."
Johanna nodded. "I'd like that, Sharon."
She bobbed her head in response, offering a shaky smile of her own before she turned and hurried away; her features crumbling as a silent sob broke the surface. Johanna turned and buried herself in her husband's arms.
"Try and hold it in until we get to the car, sweetheart," he murmured as he held her.
"I'll try," she whispered.
At lunch time as they drove towards her parents house, Castle turned his gaze towards Kate.
"Kate…"
"I'm doing this, Castle," she stated; cutting him off before he could even finish his sentence. "It was your suggestion, you should be happy that I'm taking it."
He was happy that she was taking his advice…but he didn't want to feel like he had forced her hand.
"I don't want you to think you have to do this to appease me," he told her.
"I don't, I'm doing this for me."
"I don't think your mother is too keen on the idea."
"She'll be fine once it's done," Kate remarked. "She needs a shove anyway. She needs to go back to acting like the woman that faced down Bracken."
"She had a reason for acting that way then."
"I think she has plenty of reasons now but Dad's babying her and making her worse."
"Well…she's his to baby," he remarked; "And she's still afraid…just like you're still afraid in some ways."
Kate clamped her mouth shut, her jaw tightening as she kept her gaze trained on the road. Sometimes it was a curse that he could read her so well. He was studying her intently; she could feel his blue gaze scorching her skin without even having to look.
"You are still afraid, aren't you?" he asked.
Her eyes flicked towards him for a split second. "I have a gun; I have Ryan and Esposito and an entire precinct at my disposal if I need them and a sometimes immature, but very competent, loving writer at my side. With all of that behind me, what do I have to be afraid of?"
"First of all, thank you for including me on the list; it would've been just like you to exclude me just to torment me."
She smiled. "How could I not include you?"
"True; but having me and your very lovely gun and a hoard of cops doesn't mean you can't still have some fear lingering inside. It's only natural."
"I'm not afraid."
"If you weren't worried or afraid, you'd sleep better," Castle replied.
"I can sleep at my place more often if I'm disturbing you," she retorted.
"No!" he exclaimed. "There's no call for that! I'm just saying that it's okay if you're feeling those things. You've been through a lot and so has she…there has to be a period of adjustment."
"I thought we already did that."
"You adjusted to the situation at hand...now you have to adjust in different ways. It's okay to still..."
"Castle, don't pick at my brain today, okay?" she stated; her tone carrying a hint of sharpness.
He was getting too close to a nerve she didn't want plucked at the moment, he observed; and he sensed it was best to back off for now. "I'm shutting up."
"You don't have to shut up; you just have to find a different topic," Kate told him.
"Okay; then I'll shut up until I think of something else."
Silence fell between them and lasted until they neared their destination. "You didn't come up with a new topic?" she asked. "That's unusual."
"Well I did come up with one."
"What is it?"
"I love you," he stated.
Kate smiled. "I like that topic."
"You do? Why is that?"
"Because I love you too," she answered as she pulled up in front of the house; which was thankfully free of media presence. "Even when I'm telling you to shut up, I still love you."
Castle laughed; his eyes dancing with amusement. "Don't worry, I've never taken it personally...even when you wanted me to."
"I noticed," she laughed and then she leaned towards him and stole a kiss. "Let's go do this."
He gently grabbed her wrist, keeping her in place for a moment as he looked her in eye. "I want you to know that I'm going to do the best I can with this for you, Kate."
"I know," she replied sincerely; brushing her lips against his once more. "I trust you."
That statement eased a small amount of his own anxiety as they got out of the car and made their way up the walk. Jim opened the door before Kate could knock, and after greeting him, her eyes scanned the living room for her mother.
"Where is she?" she asked.
"Upstairs," her father answered as he shut the door.
"She's not backing out on me, is she?"
"No, Katie; she's just touching up her makeup...but listen..."
"Here we go," she muttered; her anxiety growing once again.
Jim silenced her with a look; giving her a momentary flashback to her teenage days. "It's nothing like you're thinking, Katie; she's going to do this for you. I just wanted to tell you that she ran into Sharon at the market this morning."
"How did that go?" she asked.
"It wasn't bad but..."
"It wasn't what she would've hoped for," Castle said; finishing the thought.
"Right; but Sharon did say that she would call her soon...but of course we'll have to see about that. I just wanted you to know in case she seems a little off. I didn't want you to think it was about this and have you being hard on her. She's going to do her best for you, Katie."
She blew out a breath and nodded; she'd cut her some slack if she was a bit off. She was sure that unexpectedly seeing her former best friend had probably knocked her off balance. The sound of heels on the stairs alerted them to Johanna's imminent appearance. Castle smiled as he caught sight of her first. "Hey, there's Miss New York 1975."
She smirked at him. "I wish; but I thank you for the false flattery, Mr. Macaroni of 2012."
Castle eyed her with amusement. "I pay you a high compliment like that and you call me macaroni?"
Kate burst into laughter as the wording made her think of something else. He glanced at her. "You're thinking of Yankee Doodle again, aren't you?"
"Yeah," she laughed.
He turned his attention back to Johanna. "See what you've done?"
"Hey, I was never a beauty queen and never proclaimed to be one, you on the other hand proclaimed yourself as macaroni, so blame yourself."
"For all I knew, you could've been a beauty queen in 1975," Castle remarked. "Jim, you knew her then; she could've been one, right?"
The older man smiled as his gaze admired his wife. "She would've gotten my vote...still does."
Johanna smiled; her cheeks warming under his gaze. "1975...that was a hell of a year."
Jim nodded. "But it had its moments."
"Very true."
"Before you two decide to take a walk down memory lane, can we get this picture done?" Kate asked.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Johanna asked fussing with the hem of her top as a touch of nervousness flared within her.
"Yes; I'm sure. It's only a picture; and while I hate giving in, maybe it will get us a break from the deluge."
"Alright," her mother agreed. "How are we going to do this?"
"Same way we always take a picture," Kate answered. "Stand still and smile."
Johanna smirked as her gaze slid towards her husband. "I think you're wrong about the amount of your genes swimming through her veins. There are way more than you give yourself credit for."
"I don't think we're ever going to settle that debate," Jim replied.
"Should we do this indoors or outdoors?" Castle asked.
"It's your idea, Castle; you decide," Kate told him.
He looked around the house, debating his options as he considered lighting and possible angles. He wanted to get this right since he was taking on the responsibility of releasing it to the world.
"How about the porch, Rick?" Jim suggested. "They could sit on the swing."
"Maybe I should just take several different pictures and then we'll pick which one we like best."
"I thought you said this was going to be casual," Kate remarked.
"It is," Castle replied. "You're not in a cold studio, decked out in an evening gown and diamonds."
She rolled her eyes. "When you said casual, I assumed that you meant that you'd just snap a picture of us while we stood together. I didn't think there was going to have to be multiple poses and strategizing."
"Kate, there are two different kinds of casual. There's family album casual and then there's press casual. Press casual requires a little more effort. Besides; this is my debut as a photographer."
She didn't look amused despite his attempt at levity. "Just pick a spot and take the picture, Castle."
"Okay…let's try it outside."
"Are we alone out there?" Johanna asked.
"I didn't see anyone around when we got there," Kate told her. "Castle will go out at look first."
Castle and Jim drifted out onto the porch and discreetly surveyed the neighborhood. After not spotting anyone or anything suspicious, they gestured for Kate and Johanna to come outside. They sat together on the porch swing and Castle took on his role of photographer as he began clicking a series of photos.
With the pictures taken, they retreated back inside and congregated in the kitchen. Kate and Johanna stood by, sipping coffee as Castle and Jim took it upon themselves to look through the photos to find the best one.
"How about this one?" Castle asked. "They're smiling and look happy for the most part."
Jim shook his head. "No; that's their fake smiles."
"Really?"
"Yes; trust me, I know. I mean just look at them. Johanna hides it a little better than Katie, but they're both definitely fake. See the tightness in their jaw lines?"
Castle nodded. "I see it; and now that I'm really looking, you can tell the smile doesn't reach the eyes and that's very important. We can't use this one."
Kate glanced at her mother. "Are we being insulted?"
"It's possible," she replied. "But let's see if they dig the hole a little bigger before we push them into it."
"What about that one?" Jim asked as Castle swiped a finger across the screen of his phone and brought up the next photo.
Castle wrinkled his nose as he studied it. "I don't think so. Kate has that 'I'm starting to get annoyed with you' look in her eyes. That's not a statement we want to make; especially with how much things get analyzed in the press."
"Good point," the older man conceded. "Now that you mention it, she does look a little annoyed. I think there's a picture around here somewhere of her as a toddler and she has that same look on her face."
"Really?" Castle smiled. "I'd love to see that."
"I'll look for it later."
"No you won't," Kate told him.
Her father glanced at her. "This is my house; I can do what I want here."
"Oh you think so?" she replied before turning to the woman at her side. "Mom?"
"I'll hide the photo albums," Johanna assured her.
Kate smirked at her father. "How do you like that?"
"I know how to get around her," Jim remarked as Castle paused on another photo.
"This one is good; Kate looks better in this one."
Johanna stifled a laugh as Kate shot her writer a glare. "Not that you don't always look your best," he hurriedly amended.
"Uh huh," she replied.
"That one is better of Katie," Jim remarked; "But that's Johanna's 'I'm just humoring you' look, and that isn't one of her better expressions."
Castle nodded. "I've seen that look on her face before."
"That doesn't surprise me; but she has better looks and we should find one of them."
"Hey, Jim; what look am I wearing now?" his wife asked as she regarded him with narrowed eyes.
He smiled sheepishly. "That's your 'keep it up and you'll sleep alone tonight' look."
Her lips curved into a smirk. "Congratulations honey; you get the gold star for guessing correctly."
Castle chuckled as he caught Jim's eye. "She can give quite a look."
"She knows how to make a statement without even saying a word, that's for sure," he agreed.
"Now I know where Kate gets it from."
"I could've told you that."
Kate rolled her eyes as Johanna shook her head. "I have a feeling that they've formed a support group to deal with their experiences with us," the older woman remarked.
"That's fine," her daughter replied. "We'll just form our own group and it'll be better than theirs."
"Well we know right off the bat that the membership standards for our group are much higher," her mother answered.
"Hey," the men protested; making them laugh in response.
"Jim, I think your wife needs a nap. She seems a little cranky today."
Johanna looked to Castle. "Is that any way to talk after I gave you cake this morning?"
"The cake was delicious, but you're still a little cranky, which is fine. You're a woman; you're entitled to your cranky days...even at your age."
"Oh, you're going to pay for that," Kate murmured with a shake of her head.
"Might I remind you, Mr. Castle; that I still need to leave a review for your latest book on Amazon?" Johanna stated as she eyed him.
His jaw dropped. "You wouldn't."
"Try me."
A boyish grin spread across his lips. "Now you know I was only teasing you. If I didn't know you were Kate's mother; I'd surely mistake you as her sister."
Johanna eyed him. "Her cranky sister?"
"You, cranky?" he asked; "Never. That's why it was such a joke, because you don't have a cranky bone in your body."
"Mhmm," she responded.
"You're going to be nice in your review, right?"
"I'll think about it."
"When are you going to leave it, and under which name will it be?" Castle asked.
Johanna smiled. "I can't tell you that."
"Why not?"
"It would ruin the surprise."
He turned to Kate. "You'll find out for me, right?"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I'm kind of looking forward to watching you refresh the reviews page every hour to see if you can pick out which one is hers."
Johanna laughed. "Take pictures of that, Katie."
"Oh I will, and then we can see if he's looking too annoyed or if his smile is too fake."
"Jim, where do they get this evilness from?"
He shrugged. "Well I think some of it comes from Johanna's father and I think the rest of it came from my mother. I think she might've rubbed off on Johanna a little."
"James Beckett, you will pay for that one," Johanna remarked.
"I'm not afraid," he quipped as he and Castle examined another picture.
"This one would've been good if they had been looking at the camera."
"Yeah; this would've been good too but they're trying too hard to act natural."
"I feel like I'm being pimped," Kate commented.
"So do I," her mother replied. "Do you think we're going to get paid when they're done?"
She scoffed. "They couldn't afford us."
"That's true."
"What about this one?" Castle asked Jim.
"Just pick one!" Kate exclaimed.
"We're trying to," Castle replied; "But it has to be the right one. We want to make sure we get your good sides…not that either one of you have any bad sides."
Johanna sighed as she looked at her daughter. "Why didn't we just take it ourselves?"
"Because your daughter was blinded by her love for me," Castle remarked.
"Is that what it was, Katie?"
"Well…I don't have any other excuse so I guess I'll have to go with that one."
"Has your vision been restored yet?" her mother asked.
"Oh yeah, it's back," she replied as she sat down her coffee cup and grabbed the phone from Castle's hand.
"Hey! What are you doing?"
"Picking a damn picture," she answered. "You two had your chance and now we'll do it."
"Do we get veto power?'
"No," both women answered as Kate swiped her finger across the screen.
The men wisely grew silent as the woman pondered their options, and finally they looked at each other and smiled. "This one," Kate announced as she turned the phone to show them their choice.
They were both smiling in the photo; their real smiles, and it reflected in their eyes, just as Castle said it should. They looked every inch the happy and loving mother and daughter duo.
"I like it," Jim stated.
"Excellent choice," Castle agreed.
Johanna grabbed the phone before Kate could hand it back to Castle. "May I ask one favor?" she questioned as she eyed the writer.
"Anything," he answered.
She hesitated for a moment but then spoke. "Will you wait until Katie is home from work for the evening before you tweet the picture?"
Understanding dawned in his eyes. She wanted to make sure Kate was home safely before the picture made the rounds and became the latest news topic. "Yes; I will do that for you," he told her. "It'll give me time to think of what to say anyway."
She smiled gratefully and handed him his phone. "Thank you."
"No problem," he replied; and after deleting the discarded photos, he and Kate said their goodbyes and left.
After Kate and Rick had taken their leave; Jim moved back to the kitchen where Johanna was still lingering; seemingly at odds with herself as she paced in front of the sink.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah; why wouldn't I be?"
"You're pacing."
Johanna paused in her tracks; she hadn't even realized she was doing it. "I'm just trying to think of something to do. It's too early to start dinner and I already cleaned the kitchen this morning before we went out."
"How about we just go into the living room and you take a break for awhile?" Jim suggested. "I'm sure we can find something to watch on TV."
"It's midday," she replied. "All that's on are talk shows; even Temptation Lane isn't on yet."
"We'll check the classic channels; there's bound to be a rerun there. Come on; you don't need to pace a hole in the kitchen floor, sweetheart."
Johanna gave a nod and slipped her hand into his, allowing him to lead her to the living room. They settled down on the sofa together and Jim grabbed the remote from the stand to channel surf as silence wrapped around them.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked after a few moments.
"Talk about what?"
"The picture," Jim answered. "Are you sure you're alright with going through with it? It's not too late to change your mind."
"I believe it is too late," she replied. "Katie already has it and she's determined to put it out there."
"You can call and tell her that you changed your mind if you don't want to go through with it."
Johanna's jaw tightened with tension. "If you didn't want me to do it, why didn't you speak up when I was practically begging you to this morning when they were here and I was basically deferring the decision to you?"
"I didn't say I didn't want you to do it; I said I understood your reasons for being opposed to it. I know you wanted me to make the decision for you this morning, Jo; but I couldn't; that was your choice to make, not mine."
She sighed. "I know; I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be sorry," he replied. "Just tell me what's on your mind."
Johanna breathed deeply as she reached for the throw on the back of the couch and drew it around her, warding off the chill that her nerves always brought about. "I worry about it making things worse but it doesn't seem like it's ever going to get better at this point so what's difference?"
"It'll get better one day soon," Jim promised. "It's just going to take time. Things might be…heightened for a day or two after the picture is released but it'll settle down eventually; there have been small reprieves here and there."
"I can't wait until it's a permanent one."
"I know…I'm looking forward to that day too. We'll all feel better when it's allowed to settle."
Johanna leaned her head back against the couch and wrapped her blanket more tightly around her. What she wouldn't give for things to be settled once and for all. She wanted to feel like she had her feet firmly planted on the ground again.
Jim slid down the sofa toward her, his arm reaching for her and maneuvering her into the cradle of his arms. "Cold?" he asked as he held her.
"You know I'm always cold this time of year," she murmured, relaxing into his side and soaking in his warmth.
"Do you want me to turn the heat on?"
"No; it's too early for that; it's just my nerves."
"It's going to be alright, Jo. I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise."
"I know…I'm not really worried about that."
"Then what are you worried about?"
That was a hard question to answer; sometimes she wasn't sure what she was worried most about. Some days she wasn't sure what it was she was afraid of. It was frustrating and she didn't quite know how to put into words how jumbled her feelings could get. Sometimes it pressed down on her so much that she was afraid it would steal her breath…and for a moment it did, until Jim's hand rubbed soothingly against her arm, his lips brushing against her temple.
"Just breathe, Jo," he murmured. "It's going to be fine; I've got you."
She sucked in a deep breath and then exhaled slowly, her breathing quickly falling back into its normal pattern. "Just breathe," she silently repeated to herself.
"Tell me what's troubling you the most," her husband coaxed.
"I don't know," she admitted. "Sometimes I'm not sure what it is…some days it's one thing and other days another…it probably sounds crazy."
"No; it's not crazy. I understand. You have a full plate you're dealing with…and I'm sure today that Sharon is staying on your mind as well."
"I suppose so," Johanna said softly.
"She said she'll call."
She shook her head. "I doubt it."
He hugged her tighter. "Don't give up hope so easily, sweetheart. She'll come around."
"I hope so…but I understand if she doesn't."
"Well I won't," her husband remarked.
She smiled and stifled a yawn as focused her attention on the television, hoping they could end the conversation about her worries and fears…and possible regret of giving in to Katie.
"Why don't you try to sleep a little," Jim suggested. "You didn't sleep much last night…maybe you'd feel better if you took a nap before dinner."
A nap sounded good, Johanna thought to herself as she nodded against his shoulder. She needed a nice nap, a relaxing dinner and a few days of peace…and some time to breathe. She allowed her eyes to flutter shut while she prayed that Kate's idea would work and a brief reprieve would be granted.
"Are you sure you really want to do this?" Castle asked that evening as he and Kate sat at his dining room table.
She pushed her hair back from her face and nodded. "Yeah, I want to get them off my back."
He laid down his phone and held her gaze. "You do know that this isn't a guarantee that they'll back off for awhile, right?"
"Yes, are you trying to talk me out of it or what?"
"No; I just want to make sure you're keeping that in mind just in case it doesn't change anything. I can already imagine you glaring at me and telling what a stupid idea it was and how you shouldn't have listened to me."
"Castle; that isn't going to happen. I know there's a possibility that it won't help; but like I told my mother, I have to try."
He nodded and picked up his phone and she watched as he made his Twitter account appear. He could admit to himself that he felt a small amount of nervousness about taking on this responsibility, he thought as he uploaded the photo. It had been his idea, and he agreed with Kate's decision to go through with it but there was a small part of him that felt like they had forced Johanna into something she didn't really want to do. As Castle stared at the blinking cursor in the text box, he brushed that thought aside. Johanna could hide if she wanted but Kate couldn't; and what was best for Kate trumped Johanna's doubts and hesitation in his mind.
"Did you figure out what you're going to say?" Kate asked; pulling him from his thoughts.
"Yes," he replied. "It's subtle and casual but intriguing enough to make people want to click to see the photo. Just don't hurt me for the phrasing."
Her brow rose. "What are you going to write that might lead me to violence?"
"This," he said as he began to type. "My muse, proving that beauty is indeed an inherited trait."
"Why would I hurt you for that?" Kate asked.
"Well I do recall a time when you said that if I called you my muse, you'd break both my legs."
She rolled her eyes. "You have referred to me as your muse since then, and so far I haven't maimed you."
"So far?" he asked. "You're still considering it?"
"Only when you're trying my patience."
Castle smiled. "So you're not considering it very often then."
"Oh I wouldn't say that."
"On second thought, maybe I don't fear you all that much after all," he remarked.
"Why's that?"
"Because I'm your love slave now," he grinned. "You'll want to keep me in working order."
Kate laughed. "Yeah well, we'll see how long that excuse keeps you safe."
He chuckled but turned serious once more as he stared at the tweet he had yet to send. "You're sure?" he asked again.
"Yes."
"Once it's out there, there's no going back."
"Castle," she exclaimed in exasperation. "Just do it and be done with it!"
He quickly hit the command to send the tweet. "It's done."
A knot suddenly formed in Kate's stomach and she regretted the dinner she had picked at just a half hour before. "It's posted?"
Castle nodded and showed her the tweet. "You okay?" he asked.
She wasn't really sure if she was okay or not. What if it had been a mistake? What if things got worse?
"Kate?"
"I'm fine," she answered out of reflex. "What happens now?"
"Now we go relax in front of the TV and periodically check how many retweets and replies we get. We'll check the news at 11 and see if it's made it there yet. If not, some media outlet should have it by morning. Maybe you should call your mom and let her know it's been done."
Kate picked up her phone and tapped out a quick text message and sent it to her mother.
"You're not going to call?" Castle asked as she laid the phone down.
"No; I don't want to hear it," she replied.
"Hear what?"
"Whatever depressing thing is going through her mind right now about this," she answered. She had enough thoughts rolling through her own mind without adding her mother's to them.
He could see the nervous tension filling her body and knew that she was already having second thoughts about releasing the photo. He gently captured her chin between his thumb and forefinger and turned her face toward him and caught her lips in a tender kiss.
"No matter what; everything's going to be okay," he told her as he looked into her eyes.
She exhaled a weighted breath and offered him a small apologetic smile. "Bear with me, Rick."
"That's not a problem," he assured. "Come on; let's go find a movie to watch."
"Okay," she said as she took his hand and rose from the table. She doubted that a movie would occupy her mind, but she'd do her best for him.
Johanna and Jim were halfway through dinner when her phone buzzed. She rose from the table and crossed the room to grab it from the counter.
"Who is it?" Jim asked.
"It's a text from Katie," she replied as she opened the message.
"Castle just tweeted the picture. I'll talk to you later."
Her stomach twisted into a knot, the dinner she had been enjoying suddenly unappealing.
"What is it?" her husband inquired.
"They tweeted the picture," Johanna answered as she laid the phone down. She didn't have any response to give and she read between the lines of her daughter's message and got the hint that Kate didn't want a response even if she did have something to say.
Jim watched her as she remained at the counter, lost in thought…and he was sure her thoughts were probably things she was better off not thinking about.
"Don't let it worry you, Jo. It's just a picture. By now everyone has seen dozens of pictures of all of us; this is no different."
"It is different; this is the picture they've been wanting."
"Now they have it," Jim remarked. "And they can make of it what they will. None of them matter. Don't get upset before you need to, okay? Let's just wait and see what happens."
"Okay," she replied; brushing a lock of hair back from her face.
She might say okay but she'd still worry all night about it, Jim thought to himself. He had to keep her calm and occupied while they waited for the inevitable. "Sweetheart, are there any more potatoes?"
The question pulled her from her thoughts and spurred her into action as she moved to the stove. "Yeah, I've been keeping them warm in case you wanted more," she told him as she picked up the pot and carried it to the table. She spooned more mashed potatoes onto his plate and then returned the pot to the stove. "Do you want more gravy?"
"Of course," he answered. "If you made it, I always want more."
She smiled and poured more gravy into the bowl that sat in the center of the table. "I guess it's better than your mother's."
He laughed. "Everything you make is better than my mother's. Now sit back down and finish your dinner."
Johanna wasn't really hungry anymore but from the way he was eyeing her, she knew it would be useless to say so or to attempt to start the clean up of the kitchen. She retook her seat and poured some more gravy over her roast and then picked up her fork.
He could tell that her mind was already starting to drift and he quickly started a new line of conversation. "Guess who Jeff ran into the other day."
"Who?"
"One of your all time favorite people; Stanley Carmichael."
"Oh my God," Johanna said; "He's still around?"
"Yeah, he is," Jim laughed.
"Is he still a major league jackass?"
"Now sweetheart, you know he is. There's no cure for that."
She laughed. "Did Jeff torment him for old time's sake?"
"He wouldn't be Jeff if he didn't; and besides, he had material he just couldn't pass up."
Johanna's brow rose. "And what would that be?"
"A very bad toupee that Stanley was wearing."
"Oh I wish I had seen that," she laughed.
"It was awful," Jim replied. "Jeff took a picture and showed me."
"I want to see it!"
"I'll text him when I'm done eating and see if he still has it, he can send it to you."
"I can't wait. I can just imagine Stanley wearing a bad toupee…it seems very fitting. I wonder if he's still giving himself those pep talks in front of the mirror."
"Knowing him he probably is," Jim laughed. "If being caught by Jeff wasn't enough to stop him, nothing will."
She shook her head as she thought of her former nemesis. "I can't believe no one's choked him yet."
"Me neither; but just keep in mind that I did punch him in the face once."
Johanna smiled. "And you still aren't going to tell me what he said about me, are you?"
"Nope," he replied; noting that her food was disappearing at a normal rate as he kept the conversation flowing. "You don't need to know. How about after dinner we find something to watch on TV and play cards?"
"That sounds good to me," she answered as she picked up her glass and took a sip. "Has Jeff had any other run-ins that you forgot to tell me about?"
He smiled; she wanted to keep the conversation going; that was good. He had her mind settled for now and he just had to keep it that way. "Not that I know of, but I did forget to give you a message from someone I saw the other day when I was heading into the office to help Zach with that case."
"Who was it?"
"Angie," he replied; and her eyes lit up at the sound of his niece's name. "I swear I meant to tell you, Jo; but I got to working on that case and it just slipped my mind until you mentioned running into people."
"It happens," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "What's my message?"
"She told me to tell you that she loves you and that she can't wait to see you."
Johanna smiled; that was a pleasing thought. She'd much rather think about Angie and whatever stories Jim had to tell about former colleagues instead of thinking about what was to come in terms of the news and headlines now that they had given in and released that picture. "Just breathe," she reminded herself. "What was done was done and there was nothing she could do about it…she just had to breathe…she had to focus her mind on Jim and keep the conversation flowing so that she could forget enough to get through the rest of dinner before the news inevitably broke.
Jim subtly watched her as she retreated into her thoughts for a moment. He wished he could do something more other than offer pieces of gossip, family news and ask for second helpings…but he was at a loss. He wished he could make it all better for her and Katie; for all of them; but it was out of his hands and it wasn't easy to admit that…just like there was a part of him that hated to admit that he regretted not making the decision for Johanna when she had subtly asked him to that morning. She hadn't wanted to go through with it…and truth be told; he wasn't all that keen on the idea either. He just wanted to protect her; wanted to keep her safe from prying eyes and lying tongues and the maliciousness of people like the Brackens who had no qualms about hurting people.
He didn't want to shove her into the public eye anymore than she already was. He didn't want everyone in the world knowing what his wife looked like and where she lived; who knew what kind of nuts were out there…but he couldn't let on to her that he worried about things like that sometimes. He had to stay calm and level headed; Johanna felt everything with every inch of her heart and soul; he, on the other hand could take more logical, practical approaches. He just had to be calm and unaffected and it should help her be the same way. They'd get through it…they had managed to get through worse things.