Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need

My muse,

Thank you for accepting me back as your partner after going behind your back, however weird it is, however unconventional. I kept wondering, on the way home, why and then it hit me (mind you...I just entered my building! So, by the door...). I don't think many guys have apologised to you. Not in the sense that you want them to. Am I the first? With that, I feel sorry. Not for you. For them. They don't deserve you and you're not worthy of them.

Look, I am not saying that I deserve you. I still have a lot to prove. You still have a lot to see of me. Maybe someday you will see me in a different light. For now, I am content as your partner, joking that we can be together someday, even if you don't see it. Or you do but you just don't want to admit it or say it out loud yet because something probably stops you. Nevertheless, I am happy to build theories with you. Or bet on murders with you in my team.

I am also happy to still be working with you after that certain British spy incident. Yes, they offered me a bigger deal to write three more Nikki Heat books – and hopefully more after – than the British spy but I'm happier that I still get to shadow you (annoy you!) because seeing a smile on your face brightens up my day. I am honoured that sometimes, I am the reason behind that smile.

I told you that Kyra was the one who got away. When she and I parted ways, it hurt. I told myself that when I do find that someone, that someone who will love me for who I am, who I will call the love of my life, I will never let her get away. I will wait for her, no matter how long. I will make her see that there's more to me than meets the eye…or what you read on print.

I write this just a few hours after you shot Coonan. I told you I overstepped and yet you still want me there. You had a choice, my muse – him or me. He could have given you a precious name and yet you…

I am at a loss for words. Some writer I am. Why did you choose to save me? I signed a waiver, didn't I? You chose me over solving your mother's case and then tell me that you want me there when you solve it. You could've solved it if you let Coonan shoot me instead. You...care for me. This changes everything, doesn't it?

Kate, I don't like to see you in distress because it breaks my heart. I know you think you're alone. You're not. I'm here. You can call me when you need me, when you need someone to talk to. Reach out for me. I will be here.

Always.

I read the first part of this letter for the first time and I realised that it looked like my heart is yearning for you. Well, I tried to deny it, tried to tell myself that I am just like a teenager with a crush on the head cheerleader, but no. When you hurt, I hurt. When you're happy, I'm happy. You may not notice it yet and I don't want to jinx it at all. So right now, I'm going to tell myself that it is a crush. Just a crush. Nothing more. Although every day, there is hope.

Until tomorrow,

Rick

PS I don't even know if I have the initiative, the heart, to send you these letters, these little notes. Maybe someday, I'll let you read them but until then, I'll let them serve as an outlet for me. Because writing Nikki Heat is not enough.