A/N: I'm slowly going through 350 thousand words to make sure there's nothing written that violates FFn's ToS. Even though I already know there isn't, because that's how shit this is.

Because of You

Chapter 2

Edward's POV

I promised the little rat I'd give Bella five days. Five days to calm down, get her head straight, and not feel like she was carrying a fucking chest bursting alien inside her.

It was really reassuring to know that she was so averse to the idea of being with me and having my baby, but then what did I really expect? I don't think Bella ever really opened herself completely to me, and what we had I had to fight for. It was never easy with her; I had to fight for her from the very beginning, and I was so fucking exhausted because of it. So tired of always feeling like I was in limbo with her.

Even now after all the shit we've gone through, she was still so guarded around me, and she was fucking pissed that I got her pregnant. Actually, pissed doesn't seem like the right word. Repulsed is more accurate.

This was the clincher with the two of us; the precipice. To know where I really stood in her life, and if we had a future together. I think it was pretty fucking obvious now.

She didn't want to be with me, and she didn't want to have my baby. What she did want was an abortion with no fucking interference from me.

It was like having my heart cut out with a blunt knife; to finally realize that this girl, who was the fucking world to me, was only lukewarm about me, at best. But I was still willing to fight for her. I was willing to fight for her even if she would never fight for me, because that's how fucking unhealthy our relationship was.

Alice and pissant Jazz had intercepted me from taking off after her. Though, deep down I knew Bella needed some time to get her head around everything, but my deepest instincts were always to go after her.

I thought they would cough up a little bit of fucking empathy for me. As it turned out Alice, fucking ridiculously, seemed more pissed that I didn't ask Bella to marry me than she was that Bella told me she wanted to have an abortion.

Bella had already fucking rejected me for everything else, so yeah, why not just put it all out there and have my heart ripped into oblivion? Because that's what would have happened if I asked her to marry me and she'd said no.

According to Alice I was supposed to believe that even though she didn't want to make it work with me and have the baby, she would somehow still want to marry me.

And even that idiot Jazz agreed with her.

"You idiot, Edward!" Alice practically yelled at me, her face morphing into that expression she usually threw at me. When she couldn't work out if I was stupider than her disbelief over my stupidity.

"She's right, dude," Jazz piped up.

"You get your girlfriend pregnant the FIRST thing you do is tell her you want to marry her—not shack up," the little rat elaborated, doing that head shaking shit, which told me her disbelief at how stupid I was had won out.

"She's right, dude," Jazz echoed, like the fucking mindless dick with legs he was.

I felt like ripping my hair out. "She doesn't even want to live with me, so why the fuck would I think she wants to get married?"

Alice just gazed at me for a moment, obviously underestimating the limits of my stupidity. "You hurt her. You made her believe she wasn't good enough for you to ask her to marry you. I would have reacted exactly the same way if Jazz had told me the same thing."

"She's right, dude."

"Shut the fuck up, Jazz!" I roared at him. I was five seconds from ripping that idiot's tongue out.

He only raised his eyebrows at me, as if to say 'you're the fuck up here, dude, not me'.

I was too busy glaring at him, and thinking up a way to wipe that smug look from his face, when Alice again cut into my thoughts.

"Do you even understand the significance of her being pregnant, Edward?" Her tone was softer this time, as if that significance she was referring to was the reason for it.

"Yeah, she thinks she'll turn into her mother," I answered, feeling my forehead furrow with progressive fucking guilt. Her mother, who I told her she was exactly alike, when nothing could have been furthest from the truth.

And it really injured her. She just stared at me with this betrayal shining in her eyes, and making me feel like the piece of shit I am. But she shredded me by telling me she didn't want the baby; that she didn't want to give it, or us, a chance.

And what can I say? I'm a short tempered asshole. She's always getting pissed at me over it.

Alice huffed, again breaking me from my tortured fucking thoughts. "I didn't ask whether you knew it, I asked whether you understood it. Like, do you realize it's basically the biggest fear of her life?"

I paused, suddenly pissed off at the little rat, because I didn't know that.

I didn't know, but I should have, because as fucking naïve as I was, I thought all the shit with her mother was over with. I mean, once we came home from Australia, she never mentioned her again—ever.

I was suddenly recalling Nummi's words the day of the bonfire, when she told me what happened to Bella's teddy bear, and how after she'd stopped speaking about it. As if she'd never had that damn bear at all.

Because that's how she deals with things.

Shit...

Rubbing the back of my head subconsciously, I let go of my breath, feeling defeated. "Fuck," I murmured. "I have to go after her—fuck!" I was suddenly pissed at myself. Pissed that after all this time I was still down-playing Bella's past and not properly comprehending the significance of it at all!

No wonder she barely wanted to have anything to do with me...

"No, Edward. She needs some time on her own to figure this all out," Alice insisted, and she suddenly had that fearful look in her eyes while they practically pleaded with me. Pleaded with me to not do anything stupid and make it a thousand times worse.

Because that's pretty much what my sister expected from me, and that pissed me off.

"In case anyone's fucking forgotten here, this is my baby as well. I mean, as much as Bella seems to think I don't have a fucking say in anything, it's still my kid!"

"Dude...I know it's shitty but whatever Bella decides you can't change it," Jazz said, looking suddenly empathetic—as if he fucking pitied me. But he was right. If Bella wanted to have an abortion there wasn't a single fucking thing I could do to stop her. My baby or not, she could end it with or without my support.

"Don't get ahead of yourselves," Alice suddenly snapped, shoving Jazz to the side when he tried to put his arm around her. "Bella isn't going to do anything without coming to you first, Edward." She looked impatient with me now, not that I had any idea why.

"What?" I demanded defensively, when she just kept on giving me that fucking eyebrow.

"Why are you so quick to think the worst of her?" she accused me, folding her arms across her chest and looking at me like I was a fucking insect. "She thinks you're the living embodiment of all masculinity and you still sit there brooding to yourself all the damn time about how she doesn't really love you. Well boo-fucking-hoo, Edward. This was old in high school!"

"She's right, dude."

I only took a measured breath, huffing it sharply through my nose in an effort to hold myself together. I wanted to stay pissed off if only to have an excuse to snap Jazz's neck, before suddenly coming to the realization that Alice was right like she usually was.

It was easy for me to believe Bella would fuck me over, because I always struggled to accept that she really did love me. At least, in the same way I loved her.

Fucking pussy that I was.

Alice sighed heavily, loudly, before seeming to change tactics and reason with me. "Once Bella is able to throw off this fear that she's going to somehow become her mother, I really seriously doubt she'll still want an abortion. So, please Edward, give her some time, and then be there for her when she needs you, because she's going to need you.—and not just to shack up with you."

"OK," I conceded, letting go of my breath, "I'll give her a few days."

"Give her more than a few—five. Give her five," Alice advised me.

"Is that the standard time for all abortion deliberations, pixie-stick?" I asked, like a sarcastic bastard.

"Grow up, Edward!" she snapped in irritation.

So that's how I got here.

Giving the little rat the benefit of the doubt, I'd planned on giving Bella five days, but that was before, after the fourth, I heard Bella's voice screaming out to me, and waking me from a dead sleep. Actually waking was putting it mildly, because what had really happened was I was propelled off the sofa and onto the floor with the air sucked from my lungs in full blown fucking panic.

And what made it worse was I didn't know if I was dreaming or not. It sounded so real, so fucking vivid, that I quickly threw on a pair of jeans and went looking for her. I literally ran around in the quiet, snow-filled night, bare footed and chested looking for the fucking apparition of my girlfriend who'd called out to me.

She sounded like she was in pain, but by the time I'd given up on the idea that she was here I was in the midst of having fucking palpitations.

Something was wrong, and I didn't know what or why, I just knew that it was.

Running back upstairs, my feet fucking numb, I snatched up my phone and called her. It went to her message bank, so figuring she was asleep and I hadn't woken her, I called again.

And then again.

But after I was unable to get hold of her after eight attempts, and with my fear growing so rapidly I could feel each thud of my heart against my rib cage, I decided to call her asshole cousin.

He picked up immediately, sounding wide awake.

"About time you rang!" he hollered down the phone. It was 3:30 in the morning, so if his reaction wasn't out of the fucking ordinary I don't know what was.

"Jake, I can't get onto Bella—is she okay?" I pleaded with him, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't shake off the feeling that something was really wrong.

"No she's not okay!" he shouted, sounding irrationally fucking angry, and before I could say another word, he started ranting. "Yeah, good job on getting her pregnant, asshole, but don't worry it's gone now. Though, Bella was lucky not to have gone with it!"

"What!?" I think I just managed to utter, while feeling like he had just reached through the phone and ripped my lungs out.

"They took it out, but poor Bella needed like three liters of fucking blood!" And with that he hung up, leaving me standing there with the fucking phone still to my ear, with my heart about to tear through my chest, in complete shock and disbelief.

It took me a few moments to properly comprehend Jacob's words, but by that time I didn't know whether I was going to pass out, puke or punch a hole in the wall. I only paced back and forth as the meaning of his words became clear.

Bella had had an abortion. She'd gotten rid of it, just like that, without coming to me to talk it over. As if I meant nothing to her at all.

As if I meant fuck all to her!

"FUCK!" I roared out, dropping to my knees and grabbing my hair in my fists. My heart continued to pound furiously, but it was in complete fucking shreds and beginning to ache. It was aching so badly I was clutching at it, with tears pouring down my face, and I was so fucking angry I was starting to feel unstable.

That's when I went into denial.

Picking myself up I paced again, shaking my head, trying to see through this fucked up situation differently; telling myself repeatedly that Bella would never do this to me. She would never break that trust with us. No matter how angry or upset with me she was. She'd never do that.

But this wasn't just any fight, any trivial fucking shit we've been through a hundred times before. This was what she feared more than anything else in her life, and me, her boyfriend, was too fucking stupid to realize the significance behind it.

Maybe if I had she would have been able to come to me over it, but all I wanted to do was shack up.

It was then an old familiar emotion I used to carry for Bella resurfaced; struggling between hating her and trying to understand why I loved her. Altogether it just confused me more and made me angrier, until the only thing I could really discern was the betrayal I felt.

It was the worst fucking pain in my life, and that was saying something, because in one go Bella had killed me, the baby, and everything we were.

I left Alice's apartment, not knowing where I was going. I just needed to get the fuck out of there. I don't know how far I drove, or even in what direction. I stopped when I was low on gas before finding some sleazy hotel to crash in.

When I pulled myself out of my car, my phone fell from my pocket. I picked it up, and thought about calling Alice to tell her where I was, but when I unlocked it, I noticed a text message from Bella: I fucking hate you. I fucking curse the day you ever walked into my fucking school!

It was only after I read it a few times, becoming neurotic over it, did I realize that Bella hadn't sent it to me, at all. I'd sent it to her.

I didn't even remember writing it, but in a fit of sudden rage, I threw my phone at the wall, and not giving a shit that it exploded into a million pieces. Or that it held every photo, every message—every fucking piece of communication I'd ever had with Bella—stored on it.

For the next several days all I was interested in doing was numbing myself, because even when I kept Bella forcefully from my mind, I was still aching in every fucking square inch of my body. It was so fucking agonizing that it got to the point that I'd rather be dead than have to endure it a minute longer.

At first I tried alcohol. I drank until I passed out, then I spent the next day throwing my guts up. If I could stomach anything, I ate before buying another bottle of Bourbon, Vodka, or Whiskey, or whatever the fuck I could get my hands on. But after four days of that I found it was more unbearable than dealing with Bella. So I turned to weed, but high my ass. That shit only brought me so down I was a blubbering, pitiful mess, ready to slit my fucking wrists. On top of that, it made me so fucking hungry I was forced to go shopping in the local supermarket, but when I got there my brain was so fried I couldn't remember my pin number. I ended up being thrown out by the manager, who threatened to call the cops if I ever came back, as if I were a fucking vagrant!

In the end I went back to alcohol, drinking beer by the fucking keg. I ended up getting myself so plastered I swear I had some kind of near death experience. It was completely clichéd bullshit of a bearded dude with a white robe, surrounded by golden light, with fucking birds chirping in the background, telling me I had to stop. That I was self-destructing.

I really hope to hell it wasn't God, because I told him to go fuck himself.

Or maybe my body had become so toxic I was beginning to trip.

But still, I didn't stop.

Eventually I lost track of time. I had no idea what time it was let alone what day, or how long I'd even been there; while trying my damnedest to dull the pain with the sounds of fucking prostitutes turning tricks rebounding off the walls. I sank pretty fucking low, but it never registered with me. I should have been repulsed, but all I could think, and feel, and fucking breathe, was this unrelenting pain in my heart.

I realized I'd have to go back eventually, but for the moment I couldn't face any of it. I could not look into Bella's eyes knowing she'd ripped my soul to shreds; nor my fucking sister's, who'd promised me Bella would never do this to me.

In the end it was a dream of my father that snapped the sense into me.

He was angry; he was fucking pissed at me. My father looked almost exactly like Emmett and was just as big, and in the dream I felt like I was a kid, cowering in fear as I waited to get an ass kicking.

"You, get your ass back home—right this minute!" he demanded, his eyes hard and boring straight down to my fucking soul, before grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and heaving me off the ground. "And if I ever hear of you doing this kind of shit again, you will be in for such a world of pain it'll make this business with Bella feel like Christmas."

I woke in breathless fucking panic, pouring with sweat, my heart lunging while the sound of my father's voice continued to echo around me. In fact, I could still smell his aftershave. It was that cheap shit Brut stuff that Mom used to tease him over, but he never wore anything else.

Swinging my legs to the side of the filthy fucking bed, I sat up and cradled my aching head in my hands. I released my breath in a huge gush while trying not to fucking break down into tears. I was being plagued by a sense of shame, and I let it take control. It was easier to push all this shit with Bella to the back of my mind with this kind of mindset; that my father was disgusted in me.

With the migraine from hell, I ventured out and found a 7 Eleven. I bought a bar of soap, toothpaste, and a packet of razors before returning to the putrid hotel room. I had a shower—a cold fucking shower—scrubbed my teeth, and shaved.

I left an hour later. I was surprised my car was still sitting undamaged in the hotel parking lot, but then considering the high level of traffic to the place, for people paying by the hour, it wasn't hard to understand why.

It took me seven hours to get back to Seattle, but I stopped along the way to eat, drink a gallon of water and buy a fresh set of clothes. I'd been wearing the same clothes for fuck knows how long and my skin had been crawling with the very idea of it.

When I got back to Alice's apartment, I entered a warzone.

My entire family was packed into the living room, and as soon as I walked in I was ambushed by Emmett. He literally grabbed me by the fucking throat and slammed me so hard against the wall for a moment I was seeing stars.

"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU!?" he roared at me, raising his fist, no doubt about to beat the shit out of me, when Carlisle and Jazz dragged him off me.

"Edward—for the love of God! How could you do this? Do you have any idea what you've put us all through?" It was my mother this time, and she looked torn between wanting to slap me repeatedly across the face, and hug me, before she burst into tears.

I opened my mouth to answer, but before I could even speak a syllable, Alice suddenly shoved me back against the wall. Then she started fucking pounding against me, her eyes on fire and with a look in them I'd never seen before. "You fucking asshole!"

She said a lot more but it was muffled out as Jazz pulled her off me and pulled her against him. Not before he turned to fucking glare at me, as well.

"All right, everyone calm down," Carlisle said, raising his hands before approaching me with a weary sigh. For a person who barely gave up a fucking crease in his face from emotion, he suddenly looked exasperated while shaking his head slightly to himself. "Edward, you've been gone for more than two weeks. No one knew where you were. We've all been searching for you—your mother filed a missing person's report. Why didn't you let someone know where you were?"

"Jesus!" I burst. "So I needed some time alone. You all know what Bella did! What the fuck did you think I was doing?" I snapped, becoming pissed off that these self-righteous assholes couldn't put themselves in my shoes for one fucking minute.

Mom and Alice started fucking ranting, their voices droning together and giving me a headache, while Emmett only gave me a dangerous glare that made me almost shrink backwards.

Carlisle again held up his hand to shut them up, his eyes remaining on me. "What do you mean, 'what Bella did'?"

I met his gaze, faltering for a moment before I answered, "She...had an abortion."

"WHAT!?" Alice screeched in that fucking tone she was so good at, and suddenly my stomach was dropping down to my toes.

"Edward," Carlisle said, and this time he looked fucking weary, "Bella didn't have an abortion. Her pregnancy was ectopic."

I blinked, shaking my head in confusion. "What the hell does that mean?"

"The embryo was growing outside of the uterus. She ended up with quite substantial internal bleeding," he explained, a disturbed fucking look in his eyes, while I suddenly felt sick.

"Yeah, you asshole, she was devastated, and then she had to worry about you!" Alice started ranting again, before her voice broke and she allowed Jazz to console her.

I only shook my head back and forth, my chest suddenly feeling tight.

Jesus... Please tell me I didn't fucking do this again?

I met Alice's gaze, but I couldn't tolerate her judgment for more than a second. I turned to mom; she was sitting on the sofa, massaging her forehead with her fingers, with tears free-falling down her face. Emmett only stood looking at the ground with his arms folded over his chest, and Jazz continued to fucking glare at me. I looked back at Carlisle, the panic already peaking within me.

"But...but—Jacob told me she had it removed," I pleaded with him suddenly, but to do what? To Understand?

"Edward!" My mother was suddenly off the sofa and in front of me, her voice strained and her expression completely overrun. "All you had to do was pick up the phone and call any one of us. What you have put that poor girl through! When are you going to grow the hell up!?"

I only gazed at her; I heard every word she spoke but I couldn't process it. All my mind could suddenly focus on was Bella. All my heart could comprehend, as it slammed behind my ribs making me feel fucking sick to my stomach, was Bella.

What the fuck have I done?!

I turned back to Carlisle, feeling suddenly defeated and flooding with guilt. "Is-is she okay?"

He cleared his throat, and spoke quietly, "She is now. She was in hospital for a week. She required quite a lot of blood, but..." his eyebrows drew together and he broke my gaze. This wasn't like Carlisle; he could look you dead in the eye and tell you the world was about to blow up with that calm fucking sedate voice of his.

"But what?" I practically yelled, my voice catching.

"We weren't able to save her fallopian tube," he explained with his eyes on the floor.

I shook my head, quickly trying to recall what little I knew of the female reproductive system. "W-what does that mean?—she can't have babies now?"

"No, but her chances of getting pregnant naturally have fallen by half," he answered, suddenly looking directly at me, with a clear message behind his eyes.

So don't go fucking knocking her up again.

Leaning up against the wall, I dropped my head into my hand and attempted to find where I'd got it all wrong.

"He-he told me—fucking twice. He told me Bella had it removed!" I said more or less to myself, my voice rising with both confusion and frustration. Did that fucking prick deliberately lie to me? Was he testing me? Testing me to see if I'd believe it?

"Perhaps he didn't know how to properly explain it. He's only a young boy after all," Carlisle suggested, before turning and putting his hand around my mother's shoulders.

"All you had to do was call me, Edward!" Alice broke in, with a look of pure contempt on her face.

"We're going to go," my mother announced abruptly. "I have to inform a lot of people that you've turned up unharmed." And when she looked at me her eyes burned with disappointment. When she could look at me, that is.

Carlisle placed his hand momentarily on my shoulder as he passed, but I had no idea what he was conveying. Support? Understanding? Affection?

Whatever it was, I didn't deserve it.

Emmett only shoved me, his expression still dark and pissed off. "Later, asshole."

Then I was alone with Alice and Jazz. Jazz still hadn't said a word to me; which made me feel fucking worse than all of Alice's condemnation.

"Alice..." I said quietly when she turned around to head to her bedroom.

"What?" she spat, spinning back around.

"Tell me...about Bella. Is she really okay?" My chest was aching again, but this time it was over how badly I'd hurt her. How badly I'd fucked things up with us again.

"No," Alice replied coldly, matter-of-factly. "She's not okay."

My heart paused, and I dropped my head to stare numbly a the floor. "Does...does she want to see me?"

Jazz suddenly snorted. "If she does she has rocks in her head."

Alice only scoffed sarcastically. "Let's see. She loses her baby, which in the process almost kills her, but it makes her realize how much she really did love and want that baby and how heartbroken she is. Then her boyfriend—who she knows is aware of what happened because her cousin told her—doesn't come and see her, call, write a note—a fucking email—nothing! Then on top of this, she finds out that supposed boyfriend is officially listed as missing, and she became so hysterical Carlisle had to sedate her. So the question isn't, does she want to see you, Edward. It's, will she ever forgive you." She continued to stare at me coldly, her eyes boring straight down into me before her brow arched as if to say, 'you've brought this on yourself', and she didn't have an ounce of pity for me.

Severing my eyes from hers, I reached out and rubbed the back of my neck, trying to conceal the fact that I was struggling to hold it together. Because this time, I knew with everything I was that I'd lost her.

Alice called Bella immediately after, letting her know I was alive. She didn't want to talk to me over the phone, but told Alice she wanted to see me.

I left for Forks that instant.

Three and a half hours later I was standing on the front porch of Chief Swan's house, steeling myself before I knocked.

He opened it a few moments later, his eyes immediately narrowing. "So it's you," he said stiffly.

"Chief Swan," I greeted him as humbly and as respectfully as I could manage. "I-I've come to see Bella."

He only glared at me for a moment, sizing me up before he stated, "All right, but only because she wants to see you." He suddenly leaned closer to me, pointing his finger into my chest, his voice lowering. "But I'm telling you right now, if you upset my niece in any way, shape or form—if she even frowns in your presence—I will haul your ass into a jail cell so fast you won't know what hit you. You got me?"

I nodded, swallowing thickly, knowing I deserved it all and more. "Yes, Sir."

I passed Jacob on the way to Bella's room; he only sneered at me. I felt like a fucking inch tall, but I knew I had no right to be pissed off. If he wanted to kick my ass, I'd deserve it.

Apart of me wished he would, if only to take some of this guilt away.

When I got to Bella's door I paused, forcing the apprehension back before gently knocking and creeping it open.

She was sitting on her bed wearing a Seattle University sweater and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms, looking...broken. And the moment her eyes locked with mine her face completely crumbled.

It fucking crippled me.

Feeling my expression begin to mirror hers, while it threatened to rip my chest open, I walked inside the room, sat beside her on the bed and pulled her into my arms.

"Baby, I'm so sorry," I whispered, my voice breaking as I pulled her closer to me and burying my face against her hair.

Initially she clung to me, her entire body trembling as she burst into tears, before she shook her head.

"No," she uttered with a fractured voice before shoving herself away from me and clumsily wiping her eyes. "Where were you?"

"I...I was...just giving you some time," I lied like the fucking bastard I was, but I couldn't tell her the truth.

How could I tell her that?

Immediately her expression turned cynical, despite her eyes looking as haunted and tortured as they did the very first day I met her. "Are you honestly going to lie to me right now? You look like crap!"

I stammered out half a syllable before abandoning it. I had no excuse to offer her. I only gazed into those eyes of hers and pleaded with her to forgive me. "I know..."

She wasn't moved; in fact, this only seemed to piss her off. "Do you also want to explain"—she reached over, grabbed her phone from her side table and revealed my text message—"this to me?"

My eyes dropped from hers, my hand running rigidly back through my hair, before I took a guilty fucking breath. "I can't...Bella."

She looked at it, reading it again as her forehead creased, before glancing back up to me. "You sent this when I was in surgery. You blamed me for what happened, didn't you?"

I held her gaze for a moment, searching for the right words to fix this. I knew there wasn't any, but my instincts were always to fight for her, so I went with what I knew. "I didn't realize what was really happening. I had no idea you were so sick, baby."

Her brow etched deeper and she didn't fucking believe me. That was obvious enough. "Well, what did you think was happening?"

I shook my head helplessly. "I don't know."

"Don't be a fucking coward, Edward!" she suddenly burst, making me cringe that her uncle would hear her. "Tell me!"

"I can't," I pleaded with her. "Bella...I can't."

She shook her head to herself, her face darkening, but at the same time her expression was beginning to flood with pain. "You thought I had an abortion"—her voice caught—"didn't you?"

I didn't say anything. I didn't need to; she saw it written across my face.

"You actually thought I'd do that..." she whispered in disbelieve, but at the same time, she was hurt.

She was a lot more than hurt, and I couldn't say anything without hurting her more, so I didn't say a word. I just lowered my head, unable to see that grief in her eyes like the coward she accused me of being.

"Oh my God..." she whispered, before she made some attempt to laugh dryly.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I murmured, glancing up at her and exhaling deeply in resignation. "There's nothing else I can say."

She only held my gaze for a moment longer, before she scoffed. "This is just like that day after condom testing in Bio, remember?"

I nodded numbly in admission.

She shook her head to herself, a little more forcefully this time. "I can't keep living my life as a repeat of that moment, Edward!" Her eyes were wide, pleading with me to understand; to not fight.

"I know you can't," I conceded. I had to accept it despite how much it was shredding me. She had every right to feel this way, and I had no right to argue with her.

She gazed at me again for a moment, as if deep down she didn't really know me at all, and when she spoke she was close to tears. "Edward...when you were missing I felt like I was reliving Kel's death all over again, and I'm not going through that"—her voice suddenly grew stubborn and insistent—"ever again!"

I shook my head hastily. I wasn't sure how to comfort her and it was fucking killing me to see the pain I'd caused her reflecting in her eyes. "All I can tell you is how sorry I am, baby. I'm not going to make excuses."

It was bad enough that she went through all this to start with, but to know I wasn't here for her when she needed me. That I'd completely abandoned her to my abject fucking stupidity made it that much harder to face her.

Face what I'd done to her.

But she wouldn't release me; she held steadfast to my gaze until her eyes silently welled in tears. "I can't do this anymore, Edward," she whispered. It was if she'd just come to that realization right then and there, and it had surprised her and broke her heart at the same time.

Without thinking about it, I raised my hand to cup her cheek, my thumb cutting a path through her tears. "Bella..." My voice broke along with hers, but I had no words to make this right.

She closed her eyes, her forehead bunching as she quite evidently struggled to keep herself together, but she was failing.

Cautiously, I pulled her closer, and at first she seemed to surrender to me, almost slumping against me, before she quickly straightened her back and shook her head.

"No..." she insisted.

"Bella, please tell me what I have to do to make this up to you?" I begged her, but I was beginning to feel resigned, and it wasn't lost on me that over the last eighteen months I had spoken those exact words more times than I could remember.

"There's nothing you can do," she admitted in a wavering voice. "We just...need a break."

I only held her gaze, praying she wasn't fucking serious—that she was just angry at me. Praying I could talk her around one last time.

"Okay..." I mumbled, half nodding before dropping my head to my palm.

There was silence for the longest time. Neither of us spoke, but there was nothing left to be said.

Then, apprehensively Bella broke it. "Edward..."

I glanced up at her; her expression was flooding with pain, and her eyes only amplified it further. "Yeah?"

She took a weary breath, as if reconsidering it, before she began, "When I first came here I had no idea who I was, and then all of a sudden, before I really knew what was happening, I was a part of your life, and you were a part of mine. I depended on you, Edward. I depended on you more than what was fair to you, but you were always there." She reached out and grabbed my hand. "Despite all the crap we've been through, you were always there for me—"

"Except this time..." I interjected, feeling my expression cloud. I felt like she was attempting to sugarcoat it. Sugarcoat breaking up with me.

She shook her head fractionally. "If it wasn't for you when Kel died...I don't think I would have survived." She released me and grabbed a fistful of my shirt, pulling me closer to her.

I let her. I had no idea what she was doing, because she always grabbed me like this, and I wasn't sure if it was subconscious or not. Instead, I reached out and carefully tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, breaking into a small, sad smile. I couldn't help it. "I'm so sorry, baby," I repeated, my voice completely breaking.

She nodded quickly, as if to hold back her tears. "We've got to a really unhealthy place, Edward," she eventually admitted, her voice barely a whisper.

I nodded as well, because she was right; we had, but then were we ever anything other than dysfunctional? All I ever knew was how much I loved her, and as stupid and naïve as I fucking was, I always thought it'd be enough.

Her tears spilled over again, and she impatiently wiped them dry before I could react to them. "It isn't only you, Edward. In fact, it's mainly me. I'm not healthy, and I'm infecting you."

This time I shook my head adamantly, because despite her past and all the pain she'd ever endured, she had always been the one who kept me together. "Baby..."

She immediately shook hers in contradiction. "It's true," she insisted, before deliberately breaking my gaze to stare down at her hands. She bunched her forehead heavily in an obvious effort to hold back her tears, but they fell regardless. And it wasn't just that she was hurt, but it was almost as if she was ashamed.

I wasn't sure; nor was I sure if any of this was about us, or the baby.

"Bella...do...do you want to talk about what happened...with the baby?" I asked her gently, practically holding my breath.

She didn't immediately answer, even as her expression became stricken.

"No," she eventually managed to utter before she burst completely into tears.

It was a pain so real for her that I couldn't fucking bear it. Pulling her against my chest, I enclosed my arms around her, holding her to me tightly and almost physically buckling as she started sobbing.

"Y-you were right, Edward. I hated her—exactly like my mother hated me."

"Hey..." I said softly attempting to console her, while the guilt over what I'd said, what I'd done, was beginning to fucking cripple me. "I didn't mean that, baby. I just didn't understand how much you were still affected by your past. You're nothing like your mother."

She shook her head, her breath erupting out of her in a shudder against me. "I'm s-so sorry, Edward."

She was so broken it was breaking me, and I was the cause of it. I didn't think I could bear the guilt much longer, but I couldn't do anything to make this better for her. All I could do was hold her until her tears dried while fighting back my own. Fighting to stay strong for her now, when I had let her down on such a grand scale I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

Eventually she lifted her head, connecting her tormented eyes to mine, and without another thought, I placed my lips against her brow before tentatively moving them down and over hers. She didn't break away like I thought she would. She collapsed against me and kissed me back with as much depth, and for one fragmented moment, we both surrendered.

I was conscious to be careful of her, but at the same time, I was reluctant to let her go. But all too soon, she turned her head and severed our lips. "Edward, stop..."

"I'm sorry," I repeated the same fucking words remorsefully, hoping they'd have a different effect each time I did.

For the longest moment she didn't speak, before she took a large, shaky breath and released it. "In a few weeks I'm going to Australia," she admitted in a quiet voice, her eyes again breaking from mine. "I'm going to stay for a while."

My heart paused. "A while?"

She shook her head and I'm not sure if it was to herself or in response to me. "I-I need to go back to the beginning and find out who I am, because if I don't we'll get so bad we'll go past the point of no return."

Jesus, was she really blaming herself?

"Bella, this isn't your fault—at all. This is all me," I stood firm. I refused to allow her to take the blame over this.

She shook her head, stubbornly. "You react to me, Edward. Not the other way around."

"Jesus, Bella, how can you think that after what I just did?" I blurted in disbelief.

"I have to go back anyway for my mother's will," she reminded me, and there was no more fight left in her, and that's what felt worse. That I'd taken that spark from her, because Bella could go round for round with me without breaking a sweat.

"How long?" I asked her with a sigh, because like the selfish bastard I was, that's all I could think about. How much I'd miss her. How much I'd suffer while she was gone.

"I'm not sure. A couple of months, but...I have to do this," she murmured, and her tone was adamant, because above all else she was a stubborn pain in the ass.

I only stared into her haunted eyes for a moment before expelling every molecule of air from my lungs. I owed her this. She needed it, and I needed her to know she could trust me again. But most of all she needed to heal physically and emotionally, and she needed a closure from her past that I couldn't give her.

I had to accept it; I had to accept it or I'd eventually lose her.

"Okay, but just promise me one thing?" I pleaded with her, my tone a little too desperate, but I couldn't help it. I could already feel her slipping away from me.

Her eyes rose to catch mine and she nodded.

"Come back home to me."