To Live Again

Ch. 2: First Steps

It took a few days to work up the courage, but I finally did something that I had been avoiding over the last couple of months: I picked up the phone and called Dr. Aurelius. He was surprised when he found me on the other line and asked me what had changed my mind. If I had to be honest, the answer was Peeta. If he didn't come back to District Twelve, I never would have gotten up after that nightmare I thought had came to life. I would probably still be in that rocking chair, immune to the world. But I wasn't going to tell Dr. Aurelius any of that, he could figure it out.

Since Dr. Aurelius and I were talking on the phone and he couldn't take a nap like last time, it forced us to actually have a conversation. At first, I shut down his attempts of conversation, responding with only one word answers. He then started asking me to describe my daily routine to him, which required me to use full sentences. I realized how pathetic my life sounded when I said it out loud. I still hadn't found anything worth doing that wasn't anything other than eat, sleep, or try to go to the woods. The truth was, I wasn't sure I ever would.

The woods are a painful place to be nowadays. I'm conflicted because they are a place that I can go to get out, clear my head, and enjoy the open air. Sometimes it's like I'm still recovering from being underground in District Thirteen. Now they also make me think of Gale, who was the last person on earth that I even want to think about, and they also remind me of how things used to be. I even hate walking through town to get there, because I can't stand watching Thom and the others uncovering the bodies and seeing that mass grave where the meadow once lay. Maybe these were things I was supposed to tell my therapist, but that wasn't going to happen.

"Katniss, I know it might not seem like it right now, but things will get better," Dr. Aurelius told me over the phone. Liar. "Look at Peeta, you know how far he has come since he was rescued from the Capitol." Boggs, Gale, Finnick, Annie, Johanna Mason; All of the people who were somehow involved in that rescue mission came to mind. All of whom were now gone in some way, shape, or form. And then there was Peeta himself…he tried to kill me that day (and a couple of times since then), and now he was baking me bread and we were beginning to talk again. His recovery was nothing short of miraculous, but then again, Peeta has always been different than me. He was always the better person; the person who had an outlook on life that I never saw until it was too late.

"Katniss, are you still there?" Dr. Aurelius asks over the phone. I must have been quiet for some time and he probably thought I hung up on him.

"Yes, sorry," I reply.

"Anyway, like I was saying, things will get better. Continue to go about your daily routine and with your life. You'll be surprised when things begin to have meaning again." We decided to set our next call for a week from today. We both knew it was no use trying to get me to talk to him a few times a week. He was just pleased that I made a big step in calling him.

Things will get better. How could he possibly say that? How could he possibly think that things were going to get better after I survived two Hunger Games, led a rebellion, and watched so many innocent people die? What could I possibly do that would help me find meaning in anything? I was beginning to acknowledge the world again and even that was a big step compared to the person I had been lately.

Why did I really call him? Yes Peeta came back and inadvertently helped me take that step from becoming a vegetable to a person again, but I could have easily ignored his comments about talking to Dr. Aurelius. I was really good at not listening to people, after all. Something internally prompted me to pick up that phone and to get help. Did I want to get help? Did I want to change my ways? Did I do it for Peeta? Or was I just tired; tired of not sleeping and tired of the nightmares that wouldn't even end after I wake up.

As I lay there contemplating these thoughts on the couch, Greasy Sae and Peeta entered the house for dinner. When I left his house the other day, he had asked me if it was okay if we had meals together a few times a week. Apparently Greasy Sae had offered to cook for him too and he decided to take her up on it while he got settled in. He said that by eating together, it saved her going from house to house. We also agreed that we didn't want things to be weird between us, so this could be for a way to help figure things out.

Sae cooked some noodle soup, a salad, and we used some of the bread that had piled up over the last couple of weeks. It was still weird thinking that there was a time that this would have been a luxury to eat, and now this was almost an everyday occurrence.

"Have you seen Haymich lately?" Peeta asked me as we started with the salads.

"Not since the day we returned here to Twelve," I answered. I hadn't really expected any less, but there was a part of me that thought just maybe he would have stopped in since I had been utterly alone for a while. "Why, have you?"

"Once the day I got back, and then he came over today," Peeta answered.

"He came to see you?" I asked rather surprised. Was he drunk and just wanted to see how messed up Peeta still was? Or did he genuinely want to see him and how he was doing?

Peeta smiled as if knowing what I was thinking and said, "Yeah, and he was actually sober. The first night was a little different, but even then he wasn't too bad."

"So…What did he say?"

"You could ask me yourself, sweetheart." I turned to see Haymich standing in the entryway to the kitchen. Like Peeta said, he looked like he was in relatively good condition. Maybe he decided being drunk for the past two months was enough for him to make it through one dinner with the two of us.

"I invited him to come over for dinner. I didn't know if he would actually show," Peeta explained. But I didn't really need one. However, there was something that irked me about him showing up after all of this time. He was sent back here because my mother wasn't coming back, but he could have just as easily found somewhere else to go or left after we returned. So why didn't he?

"What brings you out and about?" I asked as Sae brought him over some food. He didn't look malnourished, so something told me that Sae was also looking out for Haymich from time to time too.

"I woke up sober," He responded with a smirk.

"And you hadn't before now?" I retorted.

"Still as feisty as ever, I see." We locked eyes and Peeta was quick to change the conversation about what he had heard on TV recently.

"They're building more train tracks that connect each district to each other and the Capitol so more goods can get out. They have even started using them for public transportation," Peeta informed us. I cringed at the word Capitol. "Apparently people seem to like Paylor, and she is donating a certain amount to each District to help rebuild. They're also beginning to figure out how to elect a Mayor for each District too, but no one is really focusing on that quite yet." So things were still stable. Good.

"Someone has been taking advantage of the different TV programming," Haymich commented. I hadn't even thought to turn my TV on. I wanted nothing to do with anything concerning anyone else.

"You two don't have anything to say about that?" Peeta asked as he looked to the two of us. Haymich and I both shook our heads. We were staying away from life outside Twelve and The Victor's Village. It was better that way.

After a few moments of silence, I found myself asking, "Have you seen the bakery?" to Peeta. I hadn't thought that maybe he didn't want to see it, or that it might give him bad flashbacks or something. But I had remained relatively quiet through dinner, only making comments when asked, so I felt like I should say something. Maybe things wouldn't have been so weird between the three of us if it had just been Peeta and myself for dinner. In a weird way, tonight reminded me of the many dinners the three of us had when we were training for the Quarter Quell and all of the others that were Games related.

To my surprise, Peeta nodded and said, "Yes." He and Haymich looked to each other, and I wondered if maybe that's what they did when Haymich stopped by his house today. I still felt like I was missing something about that visit. But I guess Haymich and Peeta could talk to each other since in the start, and it wasn't my business if they didn't want to tell me.

"Have you thought about rebuilding?" I asked Peeta, thinking of him mentioning Paylor and her donations. I'm sure he could get whatever he wanted if he asked for it, being one of the remaining victor's and all.

"I think I want to eventually," Peeta answered. "I've been giving it some thought." Peeta left it at that for now. When the food was gone and the dishes were clear, Haymich decided to excuse himself and go back home. Probably to drink and forget this night ever happened.

Before he got up to leave, he said to me, "I have a door too, you know." I knew that he picked up on my haste when he first arrived, but I also knew that I was as guilty as him for not seeing or talking to each other until now. He was still Peeta and I's mentor, and after everything we had been through, I knew that's why he would never leave us.