Beckett stares at the ceiling, motionless. She considers getting up, maybe reading a bit. But in spite of her many books, she can't bring herself to choose a novel from the shelves. She'll see his name if she does that, she'll scan the shelves, and his name will mock her and… no. She's not even going to think his name. Not right now. Or the name of her alter ego. No. Absolutely not. Nik- no. His character might well have a back story, but that's it. She's done. She wonders idly what strings she would have to pull to stop the book going to print.
Beckett eventually falls into a restless sleep. She tosses and turns, and wakes a few times. At two in the morning the clock on her nightstand is taunting her as she thinks back to her early twenties. She'd lived and breathed her mother's murder at huge personal cost. She thought those days were done, that she was going to be able to live her own life on her own terms, but now Cas- no. She's not going to think his name. Now her former consultant is pulling her back under.
She considers just getting dressed and going in to work. Surely there's paperwork she can do, even if they haven't had a fresh body drop. But the idea of going to the precinct and spending hours alone in the bullpen is even less appealing than spending a sleepless night in her own apartment.
She walks to her kitchen and gulps down a glass of water, just for something to do, and is surprised by how thirsty she is. She shrugs. She hadn't eaten dinner either. She trudges back to her bedroom to try for sleep again.
Finally, just before dawn Kate falls into a deeper sleep, and when she wakes, sunlight is streaming into her bedroom through the open blinds.
"Crap," she exclaims when she sees the time. Ten o'clock. She is way late. She curses under her breath as she swings her legs over the edge of the bed. What happened to her alarm? She grimaces as she realizes- her phone is on the counter in the kitchen instead of charging in her bedroom, and it's off. She sighs; she doesn't even know if the alarm sounds if the phone isn't on; in any case, she didn't hear it.
She charges into the kitchen and powers the phone on. Sure enough, there are voicemails. She dials in and deletes the first one the instant she hears Castle's voice. She's angry at herself when she hears the second one. Dispatch. In all her years as a detective, and an officer before that, Beckett's never missed a call from Dispatch that she hasn't been able to return right away. Crap.
This is not okay. She listens to the next couple of voicemails on speaker as she fumbles around in her closet selecting clothing; black pants, pale blue shirt, and shoes; heels of course, because she needs to feel like Detective Beckett again; right now she feels like the ghost of her nineteen year old self.
She stares at the selection as she listens first to Montgomery. Beckett, you're needed at the scene, where are you? Then Esposito. Yo, Beckett, we're heading out. Meet you there? Kate dives at her cell phone to delete the next message from Castle, and then it's Montgomery again, sounding mightily pissed off. Beckett. Get your ass to the crime scene. Uh-oh.
No time for coffee. And no-one waiting for her at the scene, coffee in hand.
Beckett grabs her piece and rushes out of the apartment; this is the most inelegant she's felt in a long time. Being a detective has always meant being in control for Kate. This morning feels a lot like failing miserably.
Castle's still cursing his own stupidity when he wakes up the next morning. Ten o'clock. That's late for him these days.
The first thing he does is check his phone, hoping against hope that she'll have called, or texted. He's disappointed but unsurprised to see that there are no new messages or missed calls. He wonders if a body will drop today; if the Captain will try and convince Beckett to take him back for the good of the NYPD's image. He wonders what she'll tell the boys. He wonders what she'll tell Will.
He imagines her crying in her ex-boyfriend's arms, and he feels slightly ill. Then again, that could be the result of the quantity of scotch he downed last night. He runs his hand over his stubble, considering. Drinking last night hadn't been the brightest idea, but apparently he's been making bad decisions all round lately. He'd just wanted to help Beckett. Instead, he'd crossed a line he hadn't known existed, and effectively ruined everything. The pounding in his head seems a small punishment for his recklessness. At least Alexis had spent the night at a friend's place. By the time his daughter gets home he'll have showered, shaved, and put on a brave face.
He sighs. Beckett. He doesn't know what happened after he left her in the bathroom, but he thinks it's safe to assume that Will probably picked up the pieces. Castle grimaces, imagining the scene. Will's arms around Kate, wiping the tears from her face...
He prickles angrily at the thought of- No. It's none of his business. They flirt, sure, he and Beckett, but he's not going to kid himself that it goes any further than a casual repartee and an unrequited physical attraction. There's nothing there, and after this, there never will be. Not with the way he hurt her, and certainly not with Will waiting in the wings, clearly ready to swoop in. Castle's not under any illusions. Beckett might be naive, but there's no way that Will called her in on the kidnapping case for any other reason than to get back with her. And now. Well, the man took a bullet on the job, and if that's not impressive, Castle doesn't know what is.
Castle's cell rings, and he leaps on it, answering without looking at the caller ID. Maybe it's her. Maybe. "Castle."
"Rick. It's Gina." His ex-wife's voice is just a little too loud, and he flinches. Yeah. The scotch last night was not a good idea. A mere shower and Tylenol is not going to cut it.
"Ah… Gina." He takes a deep breath to try and reel himself in. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"If you'd check your emails," she starts, "you'd know. Deadlines, Rick. Last chapter?"
"F-" he starts before trailing off. She's the last person he wants to talk to. His ex-wife as his publisher? He must be nuts. "Sure. Almost done," he lies.
"Almost exactly what you said last time," Gina tells him, and he can tell this day is just going to get worse. He should hang up now.
"I'm…" he groans. "Listen, Gina. It's not a good time. Can I- I'll call you later, okay?"
He can practically hear her shake her head, and he knows she's seething. "Nikki, Rick. I need Nikki. I don't care what's going on with you-"
That stings more than it should. "I know you don't care, Gina. But you care about sales, so how about you let me do it my way?" He sighs to himself. Because his way is so effective. Right. Yeah, Castle. Just push at Beckett until she ends everything; his inspiration and their friendship, gone, just like that. Fabulous plan. Castle shakes his head at his own stupidity.
"Rick," she warns, and he closes his eyes, pressing his fingertips to his temple.
"Gina," he sighs, sorry all of a sudden. He doesn't want to fight with her. "I'm working on it, okay? That's all I have for you right now."
"Sure," she says, and he can't quite read her tone. "But don't be surprised when I call you at the same time tomorrow." She hangs up and Castle makes a mental note to remember not to answer his phone tomorrow. He forces himself to get up, tired legs propelling him of bed. He goes first to the bathroom to relieve himself, writing the shower off as too much effort. He makes his way into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, and carries his mug back into the office and boots up his computer. He can't promise his best work, and he might hate every second of Gina's nagging, but she's not wrong; he owes her the last chapter.
Beckett makes it to the crime scene as the body is being loaded up into the coroner's van.
"You're late." Espo's voice booms across the parking lot and she flinches.
"Overslept," she tells him curtly, and he misunderstands and grins.
"Nice," he nods at her, and she scowls.
"Hey, where's Castle?" Ryan asks, coming up behind her.
"Not. Coming," she tells them through clenched teeth. Ryan just frowns, but she sees something give in Esposito's expression, a flash of understanding, perhaps? It's gone before she can analyze it.
Esposito clears his throat. "Right."
Beckett takes a deep breath. "Fill me in on the case," she tells them, her voice devoid of emotion, and Ryan glances at Esposito before nodding at them both.
"Vic was found in the parking lot at seven this morning," he tells her. "White male, early thirties. Has all the hallmarks of a hit and run, but there's no ID on the body- no wallet at all- so we've got uniforms checking that out in case the wallet was taken and dumped somewhere nearby."
"Uh-huh." Beckett nods. "Good." In her pocket she can feel her phone buzzing again and she checks the caller ID before ending the call without answering.
"Castle?" she hears Ryan ask Esposito under his voice, and Esposito frowns at his partner.
"Dude!" he objects, under his breath.
Beckett fixes the two of them with a glare. "Case, guys," she instructs them, but her heart's not in it.
They talk as they walk around the scene- or what's left of it- CSU are pretty close to being done. Most of the evidence has been bagged and the uniforms have scattered to canvas the neighborhood.
Beckett rests her head in her hands for a second when she's alone again in her car, and then pulls her phone out. There's a text from Castle which she deletes without reading. The missed call is more of an issue. Will didn't leave a voicemail, so she doesn't have to listen to yet another recording, but she will have to call him back; she owes him an explanation at the very least.
"I thought you were over sprinkles."
"Maybe not."
Just yesterday- was it really that recent? She'd been… what? Flirting with Will? Enjoying his apparent jealousy of Castle? Considering getting back together with him? It hadn't quite gone that far, she knows, but it's obvious now that it never will. Not like that, although she has a momentary self-destructive impulse to call him back and see where this can go. She won't though. Not because she doesn't want to- god, she could use the distraction- but because Will deserves so much more than a messy hook up and another inevitable break up.
She bites her lip as she considers.
"Watch it, Kate. He likes you."
And Castle. She shakes her head at herself. He'd been her friend, damn it. He'd become her friend, and after a rocky start she'd enjoyed every second of the banter that crossed the precarious line of friendship.
It's less than twenty four hours since Castle tore down the walls she'd so carefully constructed to partition her mom's case and her life. Kate feels more alone than she has in years.
The case ends up being an easy solve. Lanie is able to put time of death at five in the morning and CCTV footage picked up a few cars that could have been involved. She gets a warrant to take a look at the cars, and it's only just past midday when Ryan and Esposito bring in a suspect, picking him up at the garage before he can organize panel beaters to destroy the evidence.
The guy's a mess and he doesn't even try and deny it, handing over the wallet he took from the victim, and professing his guilt before Beckett's even got him in the box. She sighs, offers the man a tissue, ushers him into interrogation, and takes his confession.
Beckett's not sure if she's almost sorry that the case was so clear cut; she's not really in the zone, but she could stand to sink her teeth into something juicy. She stares at the paperwork, taking her time with it and counting down the minutes until she can get out of there.
It's four in the afternoon when Javier brings her a cup of coffee, setting it down on her desk with a nod, and Kate realizes she hasn't said a word to either of the boys since she asked them to take their suspect down to holding; not about Castle, but not about the case either.
"You okay?" Esposito asks, and she regards him through tired eyes.
"Fine," she tells him, biting her lip. "Just fine. Thanks for the coffee." She casts her eyes back to her computer screen, dismissing him. The detective hesitates for a moment before heading back to his own desk and she watches out of the corner of her eye as he and Ryan whisper to one another, Ryan's eyes widen as he glances up at Castle's empty chair. She cuts their speculation short with a look, and they both get back to concentrating on their own computer screens.
Beckett's shut her computer down and pulled on her jacket when Montgomery calls her into his office at the end of the day.
"Everything okay, Detective?"
"Uh-huh." Kate nods. "Yes, Sir." She looks down at her feet; she's not fooling her Captain, but she's not getting into this now. Not with him, not with anyone.
"Your shadow wasn't here today," he notes.
"No, Sir," she agrees, grimacing.
"Any reason for that, Beckett?"
"No," she tells him, lying through her teeth. Roy considers this, looking at her for a long moment, and she flinches.
Montgomery's eyes narrow. "Okay then," he says at last, dismissing her with a nod. "But I want you in on time tomorrow. Today was an exception, not the rule."
"Of course." Beckett nods, flushing with anger. She's distracted but she needs to pull herself together; the last thing she wants is Montgomery calling her out on her behavior. "It won't happen again."
"It better not," he calls after her as she leaves. Her eyes are stinging but she makes it into the elevator before the tears spill out.
A/N: MANY thanks to Kellie. Above and beyond. Seriously. And many thanks to reviewers, followers, and favoriters from the last chapter- hope you like this one! x