Title: Interlude to the Other Side

Genre: Gravitation / Angst / Slash

Pairings: Tatsuha + Ryuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi, slight Yuki + Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Maki Murakami.

White.

Mother always said that white signified purity. It didn't really matter to me. White was simply a brief respite before I put up my façade once again.

Just looking at the white wall soothed my soul, calmed my very being, and left me feeling strangely lost and empty. I let a cynical smile grace my lips as I tilted my head back to stare at the luminous ceiling.

It had seemed like a good idea at that time, long ago when love was still a foreign concept, to paint the ceiling luminous. I might have said something along the lines of colors and all that stuff. In any case, the reason didn't really matter anymore.

Maybe I should paint it white.

I sighed, closing my eyes to avoid looking at that hideous yellow and lime green. The colors seemed to have taken a toll on me. Or maybe, it was just that I had simply aged. But was it actually possible to age so fast, so suddenly?

I shied away from that line of thought, forcing myself to think of something else. Age was not exactly my favourite subject to talk about.

The memory of a tall, black haired high school kid flashed across my mind and I immediately leeched onto it.

Tatsuha.

My lips quirked into a smile at that name.

Facing the white wall once again, I bore my eyes into the white, seeing everything and nothing all at once.

Tatsuha.

My first impression of him wasn't very good. I had categorized him into 'fans who go starry-eyed' and just went along with the child façade. It probably left him feeling disappointed. Dose of reality – Sakuma Ryuichi is not a god.

Yet he remembered Kumagoro the next time we met, and that was different. No one remembered Kumagoro, not in the way I wanted them to at least. To many, he was just a pink stuff bunny, which he was. I'm not being delusional here – it's just that…Kumagoro is a part of me. He represents the adult in me when I'm off the stage. He is where maturity went when I didn't want to grow up. He was also my friend.

So I opened up to him, simply because he understood or was trying to understand, dragging him all around the place during the party. Tohma warned me against him, much later when I had left him to go socialize with the big shots.

"You should stay away from him, Ryuichi," he had said once we were out of Tatsuha's hearing range. I blinked at him in surprise.

"That guy thinks dirty thoughts about you." Tohma elaborated with a straight face. Strangely enough, I was flattered and disappointed all at once. It made me question if he was worth it, worth opening up to.

I was afraid, simply because opening up always seemed to follow up with hurt and much unwanted pain. Of course, I didn't show it. My façade was too strong to be broken by these uncertainties.

I flashed Tohma a bright smile. "It's okay! Ryu-chan can take care of himself." Tohma blinked before returning my smile with a wry smile of his own.

"I'm sure you can," he answered easily. Somehow, I think he was humoring me.

Tatsuha proved me wrong the next time I met him. I was out shopping, simply because I had too much money and the walls were too colorful for me to stand, when I saw him. Come to think of it, I never did figure out how I managed to zero in on him in the crowd…

He gave me a lift home, the action leaving me rather disconcerted. I shouldn't be flustered – it was just the right thing to do, the courteous thing to do, and yet I was.

It was a long ride home – simply because I wasn't that good with directions. In a way, I felt rather bad for taking up so much of his time, but he didn't seem to be exasperated with me unlike many others. A traitorous part of me rejoiced at the fact that I had company, no matter how reluctant or how ignorant my company was about that fact.

I asked him in for coffee, partly because I felt bad for wasting his time and at the same time wanting some company…and to be entirely truthful, to test the waters. After all, if he was that untrustworthy, wouldn't he jump at the offer to enter my apartment?

He turned down the offer. I was surprised and relived and sad all at once. Surprised that Tohma was wrong for once, relieved that Tatsuha wasn't who Tohma branded him to be, and sad that I wasn't going to have company.

My façade must have cracked somehow, because I saw him hesitate. He seemed torn between having to go and wanting to stay. I was…touched, a warm fuzzy feeling gathering in my stomach.

I dropped the façade then, reassuring him that I would be fine before schooling my face back and waving him a cherry goodbye.

That was perhaps when I started to open up to him. Coincidentally, it was also when things started to become rather complicated. Sighing heavily, I snapped out of my trance and went to get myself some hot chocolate. The next few memories were something that I didn't really wish to recall. They were simply…too painful.

The hot chocolate was sweet, too sweet and I grimaced at the taste. Sweetness was for the child, not for me. After regarding the sweet concoction for a moment, I poured it down the sink, eyes staring blankly as the brown muck drained away – seeing but not registering. I always preferred it more bitter than sweet.

The phone rang.

Mechanically, almost monotonously, I walked towards it and picked it up. Taking a deep breath, I launched myself into a cherry hello that seemed all too fake for my ears. There was no choice - it would have to do.

"Hi hi! Ryu-chan here!" I said, losing myself in the child as I looked around for Kumagoro. It was a habit to have Kumagoro close by as I slid into the 5 year old idiot that everyone thought me to be. Well…almost everyone.

"Ryuichi." The voice was cold, calculating and yet warm and friendly all at once. I stiffened, a cold shiver running down my spine. There was only one person who could speak in such a tone.

I didn't miss a beat however. After all, my façade was perfect. "Tohma!" I practically squealed into the phone, and although he and I couldn't see my reflection, I knew my eyes turned starry-eyed.

"How are you? I heard you fell ill." My grip on the phone stiffened. Was it my imagination, or did I just hear concern in his words rather than the perfunctory politeness he always exuded?

"Ryu-chan's fine! Tat-chan took care of me!" I nodded my head in emphasis, though he could not see.

"Ryuichi." His voice was harsh and frustrated. The cold and calculating edge melted away, leaving only the warmth. I felt...strangely empty and confused.

"Tohma." I replied reflexively. I thought I heard him smirk.

My façade was perfect…and cracked.

When we were younger, I would let them down in front of Noriko. However, ever since we came back, I found that I couldn't. She was…her life was much too different, and she was different too. Her motherly instincts went up several notches and letting my defenses down in front of her was like asking to be mothered. I was…am, thirty and I didn't wish to be mothered anymore. Besides, I wouldn't be able to take it if she started looking at me with that tragic look in her eyes.

And then there was Tatsuha – the one person whom I could never seem to comprehend. He was just so nice and accepting and I could never hold up my façade for long in front of him.

My façade fell like timber in front of them both, yet with Tohma, Seguchi Tohma, it was a different matter entirely.

Tohma shattered it like fragile glass, leaving me raw, naked and open for him to see. And the ironic thing was that he never saw what really matters. I wanted to hurt him for hurting me, only that I couldn't, wouldn't – simply because he had never consciously hurt me. Simply because hurting him would mean hurting myself as well.

"Are you sure you're fine?" He repeated his question. This time, the concern was evident in his voice. His unvoiced question also echoed in my head.

Did Tatsuha touch you?

"Yes," I replied seriously, knowing full well if I didn't that he would crack me some more.

"Good." Because if not, Tatsuha is as good as dead.

That was probably one of the reasons why I could never hate him. He was such an over-protective friend. I smiled sadly. If only he knew.

It wasn't his fault, I knew that. It was mine, me and my traitorous heart. Never once had he given me an inkling that he might have loved me the way I loved him, yet he did love me - as a friend, a brother. I was someone close to his heart, and it might have been happy and cherry if things just stayed that way, but then I had to develop a crush on him.

Things went spiraling downwards after I recognized that the warm fuzzy thing in my chest was of a romantic kind. I couldn't help myself, but then again, I wasn't very bright and good at emotional control, and Tohma just became nicer as we became closer.

He continued talking. "I apologize for not visiting you. I don't have a valid excuse…" he trailed off and I smiled sadly at my end of the line.

"It's okay. It was nothing serious anyway." I said truthfully. "Besides, you're a busy man."

There was a pause at the other end and I wondered what he could be thinking about; if he was burdened with too much work or if - I shook my head violently, mentally forcing myself to veer away from those dark thoughts.

"Will you be home the entire day?"

His voice, clean and clear like spring water, cut through my thoughts and left me feeling…breathless. I nodded, not trusting myself to reply.

"Ryuichi?" Concern was evident in his voice and I forced out a cheerful reply, reflexively shifting back to my façade.

"Yes! Ryu-chan's free the whole day!" My voice did not waver and I gave myself a mental pat on the back for that.

There was a tired sigh on the other end and guilt washed over me in waves. "Tohma's tired, he should rest! Kuma-chan says so." I said softly, eyes focused on the pink bunny lying face-down on the couch.

"I'd come visit you later," was his reply, blatantly disregarding Kumagoro's, or rather, my heartfelt advice.

I could only nod dumbly in reply before realizing that he could not see and then giving him a cheerful "okay!" for an answer.

I waited until the monotonous beeping tone played before hanging up and going back to the couch, ignoring the voice at the back of my mind that told me to clean up the mess in the kitchen sink. Picking up Kumagoro, I bored my eyes into its beady glass ones.

It really was a pretty stuffed bunny, with its floppy long ears and red bow tie. I ran my fingertips along the side of its right ear, reveling in the comforting touch.

I was always odd for a child, and very different from others. The mothers would coo at me and exclaim what a pretty child I was, the boys would avoid me – their reason was the certainty I had cooties. The girls loved me, for I did not pull their pigtails like the other boys were wont to do.

Surprisingly enough, I had no friends; no, not even female ones. Mother was worried there was something wrong with me. Father scoffed at her fears.

Then, my fourteenth birthday came and went and things were never the same again. Life was brighter. I had a friend – Kumagoro.

Kumagoro had grey fur and the only distinct markings on his fur-coat were his white front paws, white nose and a diamond splash of white on the centre of its forehead. He really was an ordinary rabbit, yet I took an instant liking to him when I first saw him in the pet shop, all alone in that too big cage.

He was docile and fat and his fur was always soft, but most importantly, he listened. I talked to him a lot and sang him to sleep. I loved him.

He died just when my singing career kick-started. And I was alone once more.

I smiled sadly at the pink bunny, caressing the soft fur with something akin to reverence, wishing that I could at least remember how exactly the grey fur felt.

Tohma never came.

In a way, I sort of knew he wouldn't. That however, did nothing to alleviate the familiar ache in my chest as I answered the phone half-an-hour to midnight.

"I'm sorry," was his first statement when I answered the call.

"Tohma," I said softly.

"Something cropped up and-" An awkward pause. "Were you waiting for me?" He said perceptively, probably having taken note of my lack of a cheerful greeting.

I smiled sadly. "You woke me up," I said simply.

A lie. I was staring at my white wall, waiting for him to come, but he need not know that.

"Oh." He let out an audible sigh of relief. "Sorry for waking you up too." His voice sounded sheepish and I felt something crack inside me.

There is nothing to be sorry for.

I practically asked for this.

"It's okay," I replied, steeling the weird bubbly feeling that was trying to escape. The grip on the phone tightened and I felt my nails imprint themselves into my palm.

The pain was welcoming.

"I'd catch you tomorrow then," he said, sounding young and yet…so old at the same time. How he ever managed that, I would probably never know.

"Yeah. Goodnight." And this time, I hung up straight away, returning my attention to the white wall of my empty apartment.

I must've stared at the wall for hours, because the next thing I knew, there was incessant banging on the door. Someone, whoever it was outside my door, probably forgot about the existence of a doorbell, which I certainly knew I had.

I opened the door and came face to face with K, his hand fisted and poised to wreak even more damage on my door. I cocked my head to a side, rather surprised at seeing him there. After all, he was no longer my manager, so why was he here?

He seemed rather surprised that I had actually answered the door. "You look like shit." He finally said after recovering from his shock and striding brusquely into the apartment. I frowned, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"I don't fancy playing host for anyone who won't even spare me a hello." My voice was hoarse and I sounded tired, but I attempted nonetheless to distract K from my lack of cheerfulness. "Who also tried to wreak my front door."

K gaped at me openly before giving up and sighing. "You've been a lousy actor lately," he finally said.

I frowned in puzzlement. "You always say that." A pause. "Though…this is the first time you tried to wreak my door."

K graced me with a rather resigned smile. "Let me rephrase that: You've been an exceptionally lousy actor lately. And by the way, I had been ringing that dumb doorbell for at least ten minutes. Forgive me if I thought you were lying here pooled in your own blood."

His words stung. "I would never commit suicide," I said solemnly.

"Says the guy who has scars running along his once-perfect skin." K sighed. "We shouldn't have come back."

I froze.

Unlike Noriko and Tatsuha, unlike Tohma, K was my façade's ultimate nemesis. Or rather, it would be more accurate to say that he could read me like an open book, with or without Kumagoro around.

"It was a request from Tohma," I stated. And I had never denied Tohma anything before.

He fixed me with an unreadable look. "You were happier when he wasn't anywhere along your line of sight." He finally said before turning away and heading towards the kitchen, signaling the end of the conversation.

True, how true. Yet I could never stay away.

I sighed, running my fingers through my wayward hair, and followed him.

"You haven't eaten, have you?" K asked once I entered the kitchen. I shook my head. He rolled his eyes before reaching for the instant ramen at the top shelf.

"You know, there is a reason why I stocked this place up for you." I couldn't help but smile at that.

"Says the person who never eats at home," was my witty reply.

K smirked at that. "Ah, now that's where you're wrong. Judy isn't here, see?" K had always hated cooking and washing dishes.

"In any case, you'd better go wash up. You've got…" He glanced at his watch. "around forty-five minutes to get to NG. There's a recording today."

I sighed before heading towards the bathroom.

'No wonder K was here', I thought as I stripped and stepped into the shower. I turned on the shower and was blasted with cold water. 'Must've been absent for too long.' I smiled cynically as I worked on clearing and pushing all depressing thoughts to the back of my mind.

The façade had to be perfect.

Fifteen minutes later, I was fresh - albeit sleep-deprived, and ready to face the harsh reality with Kumagoro at my side.

HNO3 - I gave up on long chapters - they are simply too long (for a lack of a better word to use) So...like it? Hate it? Go on, drop me a review it inspires me to continue. )