A/N: I have the first five chapters done so far, but I want to see the response I get about the story before I put them all up. With my work schedule I don't get a lot of time to work on the story so I apologize if there are any grammar or typing errors. Anyway for the story I wanted to give the characters more of a realistic angst, because in the books you don't get a feel about how everything that's going on effects those around Harry, especially his two closest friends. Everyone has their dark little secrets they hide, especially with that kind of pressure on them for their age, so this story embarks on how I envision what would happen with someone in Hermione's position nowadays in this society, so hopefully its realistic enough. Like I said, let me know what you think and I'll start posting up the rest of the chapters when I get a chance.
The Seven Deadly Sins
Envy
Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. Jennifer James
Envy. By my sixteenth birthday I was green with it. My I-don't-care-what-anyone-thinks-of-me attitude was enough to fool the world but never myself. By the start of my seventh year of school it seemed as though I couldn't discriminate against who I was more envious of: my new non-magical baby sister who would grow to be my parents' perfect child, my childhood friends who lived their lives without fear of death and destruction, my classmates who never had to worry about being captured and used as bait for the Chosen One, my best friends for the attention they were given for their stalwart bravery in the face of danger. I was even envious of the departed for cheating the chaos and nightmare our once prized world was turning into. There were times like these, during summer vacation, when I would sit near the cliffs of my countryside home and become violently ill from the pain of it all, the blunt truth of the world and the grey lines between good and evil; other days I would merely sleep from the exhaustion of it all. I should feel grateful for being alive, for lasting alongside the Boy Who Lived and not have taken any personal beatings, but that is only what others know and see. Personally my hollowed shell has never felt more shadowed, alone, and destroyed, because I can no longer envision the person I was from the person I have created inside the stone hallways of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
The world knows me as Hermione Jane Granger, the now oldest child of two non-magical parents and a self proclaimed know-it-all. Being new to this fantastic and sometimes unexpected world I strove to catch up with those who have had years of knowledge and training, those who have grown up knowing the magic and history each and every day…I was so envious of them all… So I studied and hid behind my wild hair and bookish glasses immersing myself in my studies because I was too afraid to open myself up to these new and different people. In primary school I was never shy, and rarely studious, though I was never the athletic type either but at least I had friends, I had a life outside the books and tiled hallways and plaid skirt uniforms. Here I was the new comer, I was different, though there were others like me, I was still an outcast of their society and one of the lower rankings on society's hierarchy standing. I did whatever needed to be done to fit into their lush and luxurious way of life, no matter what the personal cost was to my own true self. When they called me a snob I kept quiet, when they referred to my lack of friends I met Harry and Ron, when they teased about my teeth and hair, I changed them, but still there was always something wrong with me, something that still didn't let me fit in with the rest of them. When they thought I couldn't get a date, I found one of the most famous Quidditch players in the world to take as my partner, and still it wasn't good enough for them. After awhile they became so used to my hollowed falsities that they incorporated them into their own lives. Even my two best friends expected it of me that I could barely contain the anger and frustration of it all. I had to know all the answers because I was Hermione Granger, the smartest witch of her day, I was their back up date, hell probably even their back up wife if neither of them married in the next few years. I was expected, predictable, and living one countless sinful lie after another, so much so that I wasn't even sure who the real me was anymore.
"Hermione, we're leaving for Bristol now." A voice called from across the yard. I looked over to see my mother placing the new baby in the car seat as her father placed their luggage in the truck of the vehicle. I sighed knowing full well how the conversation was going to turn.
"You'll be okay getting to school on your own this year right?" The soft spoken voice of my mother continued after closing the car door beside her.
'Not like it matters.' I thought to myself coyly.
"I'll be fine." I stated, and without further discussion the happy family packed up to continue the next two weeks of their vacation visiting their Muggle relatives. I should have been excited to have the place to myself for a short time before school started, but at the same time I wanted to scream in envy at their perfect little world. Sometimes I felt like I was no longer a part of the fun and carefree lives that the rest of the Granger family endured. Now more so than before because they got their wish of having another child, this time a non-magical baby who would go to a normal school, grow up in a normal neighborhood, and become the fourth generation of Granger dentists. I could have had it too once; could have denied my birth rite, denied the power and possibilities, but I was eleven then and was so fascinated at the potential this new world gave that I became swept up by the romance of it all. All my life I read fairy tales and literature about magic and monsters that to my younger self I dreamed of one day being a part of it all, and then my wish came true one summer evening when a nondescript barn owl delivered an archaic letter into my pudgy preteen hands. Glancing out into the ocean I let my thoughts wander away peacefully until the sound of footsteps brought me out of my reveille.
"Hey Hermione." A voice called out from behind me. I turned around towards the familiar sound of my long time Muggle friend, Elizabeth. One of the few people I still associated with from my non-magical days, though as far as she was aware I went to an all girls boarding school in Scotland.
"Hey." I sighed in reply, too tired from life to pretend to be excited about her arrival. If she thought my behavior was odd, she didn't comment, and to that I was grateful, I didn't think I had it in me to explain or share any feelings or emotions at the moment.
"I know you don't get a chance to see the old gang anymore, but if you're up to it we're hitting this new club that opened in town, you should really come check it out." Elizabeth Turner was one of those girls that every girl envied and wanted to be. She was flawlessly beautiful with long wavy blonde hair, legs that seemed to go up to her shoulders, and the face of a supermodel. Even as a kid I felt like the plain Jane of our group of friends, especially next to her. Her mother was a model, and her father a famous photographer, so she was always in style with the latest fashions and trends no matter what the cost. I never had the time nor the inclination to keep up with those kinds of things, which put the two of us on the outs since entering our later teenage years.
"I'm not 18 yet." I replied to my slightly older friend trying to sound interested in the prospect of drinking till your head explodes and dancing till your feet go numb.
"It's okay, my cousin is one of the bouncers there, we can sneak you in no problem." She replied enthusiastically while piling her long hair into a ponytail. I glanced out into the endless blue waves and thought to myself for a moment before replying. I was alone, and my other life was filled with so many false complications that maybe a night away from it all would be helpful. It was something my old self might have done had she stayed friends with these people all those years ago.
"Alright I'll go." I replied with a smile as Elizabeth squealed in delight. She began spitting off outfit selections and dance music that eventually I had to tune her out just to process everything she was saying. Not that I wasn't grateful for a night on the town, but I knew next to nothing about how I should go about looking like I was ready for a 'night on the town.'
It was barely mid-afternoon when we sat out on the cliffs watching the crashing of the waves behind us, so we still had plenty of time to kill before we needed to get ready and go. Since I didn't want to seem rude and get rid of Elizabeth so I could spend the next few hours in peaceful solitude, I let her stay and see what she wanted to do next.
"I've got the perfect look for you tonight." She grinned albeit somewhat evilly as she motioned for me to follow her to her car. 'Oh boy,' I inwardly moaned uncertain if I made the right decision in agreeing to this maddening fray.
"It's not going to be anything too…revealing…is it?" I curiously asked. She smiled and shook her head no as she pulled the car out of the gravel driveway. I knew whatever outfit she chose would never look odd or awkward on her, because she looked so great in anything she wore, including ragged sweats or a wheat sack. I was so envious of her versatility, her courage and I don't care attitude she had towards life. She was the type of person who truly never second guessed her life, who was confident and comfortable in her skin and her persona, and I wanted so badly to be the same.
"This place is so amazing, Hermione, you'll love it. After spending all that time at school surrounded by chicks it's about time you hung out with the opposite sex." She smiled coyly as we pulled into her large countryside estate; one of three homes her parents owned. The three story home looked barely used or lived in, but well kept just the same. Her parents usually preferred their London home and only used this place as their country getaway house. Elizabeth, being the opposite of her parents, always enjoyed her space in the outdoors and chose to stay here most of the time while her parents stayed in the city, which added to her carefree independent nature.
"I've always envied this house, though I don't know how you could possibly need all those rooms." I joked to liven the atmosphere a little; to prove I was still comfortable around my lifelong friend.
She shrugged and smiled back. "I've always loved this house for some reason, though I don't know why. My brother was staying here with me for a while before heading back to the States to finish school." She announced as she led the way inside. Her brother was four years older and drop dead gorgeous as well. He was your typical 6'+ well muscled, blonde hair blue eyed male perfection as if modeled after the Greek Adonis himself. Every woman, young and old within twenty miles of him were instantly attracted to him. Growing up with her family he always treated me like another sister, which was fine for a time, though I knew he was way out of my league. He was studying to be a doctor, something that confused his parents, but they supported him and sent him to the States to finish Med School. It's been years since I've seen him last, but I imagined he probably hasn't changed at all; still as perfect as ever.
The house was what I have always envisioned what celebrities or modern day royalty lived in. As you walked into the spacious doorway, miles of beautiful off white and blue tiles lined the floor in a kind of mosaic fashion. There were exotic plants on either end of the doorway and a large marble staircase on the left hand side to lead to the bedrooms upstairs. Their kitchen and living room were on the first floor along with a formal sitting room for high end guests and a laid back informal room for late night movie marathons. Outside there was a long in-ground pool complete with an indoor spa for the long winter nights. There was a tennis court on one side of the yard and a small miniature golf course that the two of us played with for hours as children. Her bedroom was three times the size of mine, almost like a miniature apartment, complete with a queen size bed, miscellaneous furniture, and posters of good looking male celebrities adorning the walls.
"I feel like I've been gone so long I barely recognize any of these faces anymore." I commented as I skipped from poster to poster; some were famous bands, others athletes, and others yet movie stars. Some I also found appealing, others were too…unusual for my taste.
"I don't know why your parents still insist on sending you to that god awful school anyway. You're nearly 18, an adult by any standards, it's about time you make your own decisions for once in your life. You need some major testosterone in your education." She commented with a wink then started brushing my hair. When we were younger it was the same routine; every time we were to go somewhere she would just turn into autopilot and begin dressing me up as a little doll to be presented to the world. I didn't mind the attention though; if it made her happy for all the fuss, than I could put up with most anything she did. The clothing is where we usually drew our dividing lines.
"It's not so bad." I shrugged. "Why do you keep circling me and staring at my head?" I asked with a smile as I tried to follow her rampant movement. She made a series of facial expressions, changing from pensive to indifference then to a smile so wide it would make anyone nervous.
"What's that look for?" I continued when she didn't anything right away.
"I have an awesome idea for your hair, but you're going to have to really trust me." She stated excitedly.
"I'm almost afraid to ask…" I stated more as a comment then a reply. She circled around two more times before explaining her grand plans.
"Well over the years you have proven that you can tame the rats nest of a hair your mother gifted to you, which will work to our advantage. Now, the best part is that it won't take you a long time to either style it straight or leave it to its natural curls. However, the weight of your hair takes most of the curl out since its so long…and you have such a narrow face shape…that I thought cutting it short and sassy would definitely make the boys turn their heads your way. And maybe add a little highlight to it as well…blonde definitely…since its such a plain light brown a few subtle highlights would so do the trick." She continued on merrily. I looked across the way at the mirror and tried to picture what she was describing. I was never one to linger over cosmetic beauty, at least not until I began school at Hogwarts and suddenly I was being teased for my out of control hair, slightly enlarged front teeth, and too big for my face glasses. I still put little effort into caring what I looked like for me, but rather put the effort in to please everyone else…to show that I could fit into their circle…so as Elizabeth is describing whatever drastic change she feels is necessary for me to fit into tonight's outing, then who was I to stop her? I was the guest of honor at this foray so I mine as well do what I can to fit in with my socially elite best friend.
"Whatever you want to do is fine with me." I agreed. Outwardly I joked and gossiped with an old friend about guys and movies and whatnot. Inwardly I began to worry about the outcome of today's experience. Ron, one third of the Golden Trio and my boyfriend for the past year, always preferred my hair long and full of curl and well…plain really. It was as if he liked me because he knew he could have me, as if he was just adhering to the expectations that everyone had about us. The hero always got the pretty ones, and the side kicks always had each other…that's what the three of us were. Harry and I would never even consider dating, he was too much like a brother, a wounded brother who has been through so much that you just wanted to tuck him under your wing for protection from all harm. But Ron…Ron was the hotheaded best friend who made up the stubborn brawn of the threesome. He was the 'act now' 'think later' type, and my total opposite which is why no one was shocked when we began dating…everyone just thought…'well it's about time.' I love him…love them both…but sometimes I wonder why I let myself settle for the expected…why I stay in my shell that I have proclaimed for the past 6 years to everyone else. Why everyone else around me has changed and molded themselves into the person they want to become while I stay hidden behind my countless books. Everyone expects these grand plans for me after I finish Hogwarts…Universities, Apprenticeships, the best jobs with the top officials of our world in either magic or even Muggle. To marry Ron and raise a large family full of clutter and fun and chaos; to except the easy road, the safest road in life without venturing outside the lines to see otherworldly possibilities… Never knowing what its like to travel the world for richer or for poorer, to see historic sites of both magical and muggle proportion…to see life for all its countless possibilities, without ties, without expectations, without a cage or a shackle tying me down.
As Elizabeth began to snip I could feel a piece of me chip away with each individual curl. I closed my eyes, not wanting to watch my life be cut away with every snap of the scissors. I could feel the weight being lifted both physically and mentally inch by slow inch. She took her time, stopping every so often to check to make sure both sides were even then before I could even peek at the new structure, she grabbed my arm and made me sit on the tiled bathroom floor. The coloring took another 20 minutes, since she claimed she was only doing highlights, however, I had my guess that there was a little more too the procedure, but I didn't care, if this is what it took to fit in with my friend, then I would do it.
"So tell me about this boyfriend of yours." Liz commented as she was blow drying her masterpiece. I was now facing the far wall of the bathroom and couldn't peak through the mirror to see how it turned out.
"There's not much to tell really. We've been dating about a year now, he comes from a big family up north. He's…well he's hotheaded sometimes, but a wonderfully loyal friend and a great boyfriend." I replied trying to sound interested. In reality I tried to sound excited to be talking about Ron, but in reality it seemed so strained, so rehearsed to me now. We've been friends together so long, made the transition to dating so gradually, that we just fell into a routine, without the excitement of meeting someone you're attracted to that first time. There were no sudden sparks of lust or the casual stalking to find out their favorite places or hobbies. No wild dreams of exotic places or passionate first kisses as that rush of desire is fulfilled. We just fell together as if we were always together that way, we were the picture perfect school couple. And I loved him….truly I did…
"That's it? What's he like? Don't think I'm going to let you off the hook that easy." She smiled as she finished styling my now shortened hair.
"He plays sports…wickedly good at chess though I'm not sure why. He's brave I guess, always sticking up for our friend Harry and myself or any of our other friends. He's tall, dark red hair, blue eyes…that's really about it I guess." I replied as I gasped at the person staring back in the mirror. Though I could probably stand to lose some more of the baby fat still lingering on my face, the short curls seemed to frame it just so while the highlights brought out some much needed color. I kept staring at myself for what seemed like an hour but was actually only a few seconds and tried to see this new person staring back so intently.
"Not bad eh? I think I missed my calling for beauty school. Anyway, it should do the trick well enough, you'll turn plenty of heads tonight I'd wager." She laughed as she began cleaning up the small mess of hair and dye.
"I have a boyfriend, I don't need to turn heads." I commented back still in awe.
"Everyone needs a backup choice just in case things don't work out. Besides, you rarely talk about him, and you've never brought him home with you before, and if he let you hide behind your books and crazy hair I think it's time you started looking for an upgrade anyway." She offhandedly finished. Some of her words did hit close to home, though I would never consider finding another boyfriend in the same sense that she would find a new computer…an upgrade…was she serious? Where I went to school I was lucky enough to have Ron as my boyfriend, and being Harry's best friend helped too, but there were dozens of gorgeous classmates who always got their first picks in dates…no….I was lucky to have my companionship with Ron…we were solid, routine, expected…and he loved me, what more could a girl ask for?
"I guess," I sighed wearily as I watched my friend raid through her closet for tonight's list of clothing choices. I shuttered to think what my choice would be, though I'm sure no matter what she chose it would be more conservative then her pick of course. She kept glancing over at me, then back at her closet, then back to me again and though I tried to follow her movements, they were so rapid I felt I'd get lightheaded just following her constant circling. A small 'a ha' resounded a few moments later as she tossed a pile of clothes upon the bed.
"I think we'll go classy mainland European for you, since the new do is so chic. It'll still give sex appeal but make you look a bit older and more sophisticated I think." The clothes didn't seem too bad. Long black straight legged pants that she claimed would help me look taller than my average 5'5" frame, along with an extremely low cut white top. I looked at her quizzically for a moment before cocking an eyebrow hoping my facial expression was easier to understand than words alone.
"Its not as low cut as you might think it is and its all the style nowadays. Besides, you don't have much cleavage to show anyway so why not flaunt what you already got?" Elizabeth joked as she went back to choosing her own outfit for the evening. Hers, so far, consisted of a short mini skirt to accent her mile long legs, and a short tank top baring her mid-drift. A minute later she passed over a pair of black heeled sandals that felt like silk against my feet. I thought to myself for a moment, the Hermione everyone knew back at Hogwarts would never be caught dead in such an outfit. Only those like Pansy Parkinson or Lavender Brown would wear such a revealing top; those kind of girls who enjoyed being confident, independent, and flaunting their sex appeal to the masses in such a charismatic way. Truth be told I hated them both; Pansy made my life a living hell because she was a purebred Slytherin Witch and to her I was nothing but dirt to be swept away by the Dark Lord, and Lavender make my head hurt from talking about boys and make up all day long. However, my hatred for both of them was also through envy, I envied their personalities because they didn't care what others thought of them, they knew they were good looking and popular and they didn't have to work hard to get the attention they always wanted, it just came naturally to them both. It seems I am envious of everyone nowadays.
"We don't have much time if we want to grab a quick bite to eat before we leave. The rest of the gang will be here within the hour so get pretty fast." She lightly commented as she began undressing in front of me. I hesitated, hating every thin taught muscle on her lean body, gawking like a foolish teenage boy would at a beautiful woman. She could have been a model too if she wanted, just like her mother if she wanted to in an instant. Suddenly I felt fat and ugly again, uncomfortable at taking my own clothes off for fear of judgment and imperfection in front of such beauty. The top, as she said, was low cut but not overly so, and for once it felt good to do something against what everyone else would expect. Tonight was strictly for me, to be someone I wasn't, to act, to pretend, to live in the moment and forget the consequences. In two weeks reality would set in and I would be the shy bookworm of Hogwarts, hiding behind her tall overbearing boyfriend and spending every day in the library complaining about perfect grades and not getting into trouble.
The club was everything Liz said it would be. The music was blaring some entrancing beat that make you want to get up and dance until your feet fell off. The atmosphere was dark, smoky, and lit with a thousand different colored lights. People began crowding around the bar ordering drinks with unusual names that came with fancy red umbrella's and maraschino cherries.
"What'll ya have Hermione?" My friend asked as she strutted up to the good looking bartender. The man looked ready to drool as he watched the blonde beauty near him. With us were three other friends of ours that we knew back in grade school. Though I haven't seen most of them in years, I still recognized their names and faces and we chatted about school and post graduation plans. I was afraid to ask what kind of drink would be good, because it would give away that I am young and underage in front of the security and bartenders, so I had to think back to old movies and television shows and what kind of drinks I had watched people order then, but still nothing was coming to mind.
"I'll take the special." I shouted back over the loud blaring music, hoping that whatever a 'Long Island Iced Tea' was, that it was good and wouldn't make me sick. I knew I shouldn't have been drinking, that it was irresponsible and I was anything but irresponsible, but I wanted to fit in so bad, to get away from the endangered life of being Harry Potter's best friend and be human for once. I have lived, breathed, and devoted every minute of the last six years to studying magic and being the best I could be that I had forgotten the place I had come from, the life I used to live when I didn't know that unicorns and pixies were real, that everything I had read about in fairy tales was essentially right under my very radar the whole time.
We took our drinks and sat at a table close to the dance floor for a short while. Jake, one of our friends, decided to treat us all to rounds, and after while more people from the club decided to join in the fun. People came from left and right, introducing themselves, asking us to dance or our phone numbers…where we lived…where we went to school…anything and everything. Some became a little too friendly and I had to step away from two men's groping hands. I felt drunk and sick, not sick from the alcohol, but sick from the behavior of everyone at the club. It was like watching something pornographic, women wearing next to nothing as men rubbed themselves up against them. She dragged me out on the dance floor…I really didn't want to go, but when I shouted my answer she wouldn't take no for an answer.
"You wanted to come tonight Hermione. Have some fun for once in your life!" She shouted.
"You can dance, I just want to go home."
"You're always like this! You hid behind your glasses and wild hair, so I cut it off, and yet you're still hiding inside that shell you've built around yourself! You never want to go out and have any fun, Hermione! What's a life where you just lay around and hide every day…taking the easy way out, missing out on anything fun." She replied back angrily. This time people were beginning to give us curious looks.
"You don't know what my life is like! I don't have time to have fun…it's…complicated."
"It's always complicated, and you never want to talk about it. I don't even know you anymore Hermione. But if that's how you want to be, fine. Go back to hiding in your parents house, go back to hiding behind your books and hair and glasses. Forget I ever tried to help you have fun, hell forget me while you're at it, because really what's the point if I'm the only one trying in this friendship." She stated as she turned and walked away.