Chapter Two
When Rick didn't come home from work right away, Kate knew where he had gone. Where he always went when special holidays he had ignored for years were thrust upon him. Holidays he had almost exclusively spent with Alexis before she died, as if seeking her permission, or her absolution. She could never be sure which. Like when she had tried to push Valentine's Day on him the year after their wedding without thinking what his reaction might be.
The quiet desolation when she knew his heart was with Alexis for a split second and not their two living breathing children. The guilt that played counterpoint to his grief in his eyes every time Johanna and David passed a developmental milestone. The tears that threatened to fall very time Johanna did something that reminded him of the little girl from whom she got her middle name.
Kate could see that flash of grief and guilt wash over her husband every time he looked at Johanna and for just a moment, saw Alexis instead. He would shake it off and hide his pain instantly before he thought their daughter could see it, but it never failed to tear her own heart in two to see her husband struggle with it.
Martha had remarked more than a few times (when Rick was well out of earshot) how very like Alexis little Johanna truly was. Not just her long, wavy Terra cotta hair, but her personality and temperament too. With every passing day she grew more and more into the spitting image of the older sister who's photo still adorned the wall of the playroom that used to be their nursery. The ghost Kate was certain still haunted these halls, which flew in the face of her usual disbelief in such things.
She knew Rick loved Johanna every bit as fiercely as he did David. That he loved both of their "wonder twins" every bit as deeply as she did. He never hesitated to shower love and affection on Johanna, never breathed a word or gave any indication of what he was feeling. But Kate knew it had to be killing him inside. Especially with Christmas fast approaching.
Kate felt the effect of Rick's melancholy even more keenly the next evening when Johanna and David came back with their father from daycare, the two of them seemingly giddy from a trip to the ice cream shop up the street. Though Kate found it odd to go out for ice cream in December, she knew it was something he needed to do after going to see Alexis' grave. He needed to spend time with the twins.
He was in the study, locking his Sig Sauer in the safe and getting ready to take a shower, when their daughter asked the question she had been dreading for nearly a year.
"Christmas s'posed to be a happy time, Miss Jennifer said so, right mommy?"
"Yes, my sweet girl, it is." Kate whispered, dreading what was coming next from the fat tears welling in her daughter's big blue eyes.
"Then why does daddy look so sad?"
Kate had to fight to keep the tears out of her own eyes as she pulled Johanna and David up onto her lap on the couch. Snuggling them both and trying hard to find the right words.
"Remember the picture on the wall in your playroom?" She finally whispered.
" 'Lexis...she's in heaven with Jesus" Johanna whispered, obviously parroting something "Papa Jim" had told them.
Both herself and Rick had given up on any belief in a higher power long before they ever met, but her father had latched onto his Catholic upbringing through AA. At one time she had been concerned about her father taking the twins to mass with him, but their Christening had been such a beautiful affair, even Rick had been touched and it made conversations like this one a little easier.
"That's right baby, she's in heaven...with Emily." Kate nearly choked up at the mention of the daughter she'd miscarried, her own sense of guilt undiminished even after all this time. "A long time ago, long before mommy and daddy met she was your daddy's first baby."
"But...who was 'Lexis' mommy?" David interrupted, unable to contain himself, or his voracious curiosity any longer.
"Auntie Meredith was her mommy," Kate replied, the common bond of losing a child having breached the gulf between herself and Rick's ex-wife in a way nothing else could have. "She had never been a mommy before, she got scared and ran away, so daddy took care of Alexis all by himself."
It was the best spin she could think of to put on what Meredith had done all those years ago. Kate would never be able to reconcile what the former "deep fried twinkie" had done to Rick, but she honestly believed that the universe had punished her just about enough after Alexis had died. That Meredith had punished herself far more than anyone else ever could and she had worked so hard over the years to be a better person since. Kate couldn't help but respect that. After everything that Meredith had done for them the last few years, she would not be the one to sully her relationship with the twins who adored their somewhat quirky aunt.
"One day Alexis got very very sick and stayed sick for a long time. Two weeks after Christmas, when she was eight years old, she went away to heaven, making daddy very, very sad."
"You aren't gonna run away, are you mommy?" David asked, the terrified look on his face, like if he looked away, she might disappear, tore her heart to shreds.
"No, my darling boy...never...you two and your daddy mean everything to me."
Kate knew in her heart that there had once been a time when she just may have done just that. The thought that she might once have run away from everything she now held so dear was another reason she had become close to Meredith over the years. "But for the grace of God go I" she thought to herself.
"All the ways?" The twins asked in almost perfect unison.
Lanie had told her more than once how cute it was whenever she and Rick had done that on a case, but she hadn't realized just how precious it was until she saw their children doing it. They had always been in perfect sync, even from the womb.
"Always, my babies, always." Kate hugged her kids and kissed the top of both of their heads.
"But...what about daddy?" Johanna whispered in a hushed tone, the tears not yet gone from her eyes, "How do we make Christmas better for daddy?"
Both sets of eyes turned expectantly upon her, one blue, one green, seeking guidance and reassurance from their mother.
"We need to be patient with daddy," she finally replied, "he loves Alexis every bit as much as he loves me and the two of you. He still misses her very much and wishes she could be here with us. He wants this Christmas to be happy too, but he just needs us to help him to find his Christmas spirit again. Maybe if we all try to show him how happy we are this Christmas, we can help daddy see that it's okay for him to be happy again too."
Both little heads nodded enthusiastically and scampered off to find and tackle-hug their father, whom, unbeknownst to Kate, had witnessed nearly the entire conversation.
Rick's heart swelled with love for his wife and his children, before he slipped back into the study. He doubted he could have handled the situation any better and made himself a solemn vow that he would try to make Christmas better for all of them. That he would try to be better. Alexis did not need him anymore, nor did Emily. Kate and the twins did.
December 23rd, 2015
Kate took the twins over to visit her parents to help them decorate their tree in a none to subtle attempt to give him some space. Not saying, quite loudly, what she had told the twins about "being patient with daddy." She recalled from childhood that they had usually done this much earlier, but there had been an urgent matter for "Jessica Bennett" in DC. An investigation by an Agent Rachel McCord, looking into things the AG's office should have better left alone. A matter that she'd had to attend to before settling into the Christmas spirit and dad hadn't wanted to start without her.
Watching the twins "ooh" and "ahhh" over each ornament they were handed to place on the tree made Kate's heart unclench just a little more about the trappings of the holiday. She promised herself that she would talk to Rick about decorating the loft, at least the living room anyway. Provided, of course, that she could get her parents to let her bundle the twins up and go home.
It didn't take her finely honed detective's training to tell her she was being stalled for time, and not just because her parents wanted "quality time" with their grandchildren. Her parents knew she hated driving at night, especially with the children in the car (a lingering side effect of the accident that took Emily from her) so something important was up. She sensed no duplicity from them, however, and the twins were enjoying themselves, so she let it go. Even as their appointed departure time came and went and it grew darker and darker outside.
Half an hour later, two sharp raps on the door to her parents home sounded and her father opened it to reveal Sergei Emmetovich Ivanov, the man in charge of his family's security. His daughter Ekaterina was close on his heels, still in her NYFD paramedic's uniform with her shy, teenage daughter Nikita clutching at her arm.
Kate now knew that her husband was up to something. She would have been worried, but she knew that Sergei would rather chew off his own left arm and be beaten to death with it than bring his granddaughter into a dangerous situation.
"Mr. Castle sent me with town car, Mrs. Castle." Sergei explained in his Muskovite accent "He was...delayed...and said you prefer not to drive at night. Brought Ekaterina to follow with family car." He shrugged sheepishly but with undisguised pride at his littlest one. "Little Nikita could not pass up chance to see twins."
Kate knew that Nikita was powerfully shy. The thirteen year old girl was a gifted musical prodigy and could play her violin in front of hundreds of people without a single missed note, but without her violin she seemed lost. Sergei practically doted on her as did everyone who knew her. But she only seemed to come out of her shell around the twins and had an open invitation to babysit anytime she liked.
She let Nikita help them into their coats and boots, listening to her whisper to them in Russian as she bundled them up. Her two children were just as enthralled by the Russian girl as everyone else. "If she ever figures out how much power she has over people she's gonna be a heart-breaker...provided any boy is brave enough to approach Sergei" Kate remarked to herself as she, the twins and Nikita piled into the back of the town car after turning over the keys for the Audi to Ekaterina.
The reason behind Sergei bringing Nikita soon became readily apparent as the town car pulled away from her parent's home and out into the gathering darkness. Kate had stared down and conquered her fear of the dark at a young age, but between her shooting and the car accident she found that it had resurfaced when she was either driving or riding in a car.
Rick knew she would not want to frighten the children with her battle against her lingering terrors and had obviously asked Sergei to provide a suitable distraction for the twins. "That sweet, loveable, adorable, caring man" she thought to herself "he thinks of everything."
Nikita was doing an admirable job of keeping Johanna and David focused on her even as the young girl's slender hand found hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Letting Kate know it was okay to take care of herself, that she had the twins. The young girl's sweet voice singing softly in Russian was soothing her own fears as it was distracting the twins. The girl was a godsend.
When they arrived back at the loft, nothing had changed that she could see, though Rick looked tired, like he had been doing a lot of heavy lifting. The satisfied smile on his face, like the cat who ate the canary made her wonder. But he seemed to be at peace with himself, like a weight had been lifted and she didn't want to spoil his seeming good cheer, finding it to be a hopeful sign, so she let him put the kids to bed with Nikita's help and bid Sergei and his family good night.
Before she could ask about what he had been up to, he placed two fingers to her lips and whispered,
"Shh, not tonight, it's a surprise...for Christmas."
She decided to let it go for now, giving him the moment. She realized that he was doing this at his own speed so she would wait him out and see what he was planning. Like she had said to the twins, she would be patient with him. She owed him that much.