Authors Note-Okay another update....this update and yesterdays were suppose to be up a few days ago so the review responses are kinda old lol... Don't worry the new ones will be up asap.
His hands run all over my body, I can't believe I took him back so easily, but what can I say? He's my weakness. The tears continue to fall, I can't help it, I love him. Sometimes I wish I didn't, I would wish I never met him, but today, toady I am so glad I did, because anyone who can make me feel like this so quickly is definitely worth keeping around. He moves forward and kisses my forehead gently. I sit up closer to him, and our lips meet, soft at first, then our kisses deepen, months of passion to make up for keeps us from parting, I am out of breath, but I can't stop. Nothing can ruin this, its perfect, so peaceful, just John and I and all the emotions we have hidden from one another. I can't believe I ever lived with out him. 'I'm just living on a perfect day-' Our lips part, our heads looking towards the bedroom mere feet away. John looks at me sadly, I pull him in for another hug as the music plays loudly. "He's hurt." I whisper. I can feel him nod, I am hurt too, he just left, I know I knew why, but he never wrote to me, he wrote to Bryce once, but that was it. For some reason I can't be angry with him, he's just perfect to me right now.
He looks at me and smiles, "I missed you Abby." I smile back, wiping the tears off of my face, I want this moment to last forever, but I know it can't. We have to deal with our problems, we have to confront them head on. Then he has to do the same with Bryce that is the only way we will ever work. If we are honest with each other, and god knows I want this to work. He reaches for my hand and runs his thumb over the back of it. He slowly intertwines our fingers, wow, I never realised how much I missed little things like this. "I love you." He leans in for a kiss, a soft one, barley there, but it is. He pulls away caressing my face with his hand. "We have to talk John-" He knows this is serious. How could it not be? On top of him leaving, then dating another women, we are both recovering addicts, and we are having a baby together, granted he doesn't know about it, but I can't wear this sweater forever. "I know, I just want to be with you right now." He scoots closer to me, I move further away wanting to be in his arms, have his lips on my skin, but be can't be together until we have worked everything out, we have to air out that dirty laundry, and there is at least three loads worth. He looks at me, then leans against the couch, "you're right, I'm sorry." He runs his fingers through his hair.
"How are you." I curl one leg under the other, trying to prepare myself for whatever may happen tonight. "Uh- better, I haven't used in four months." He smiles. "I am doing better, I am closer with my mother now. My father too." I nod, I want to go deeper then this, he knows it too. "I am sorry for everything that happened, I want to tell you it will never happen again, but as an addict you know that we take a day at a time, a step at a time. I can't make any promises, but I can make a guarantee that I will love you no matter what."
"I love you John, but what happened when you were using was just- it was the worst thing I have ever experienced, I guess that must be what its like for Bryce when I am drunk, but I-" The tears are coming back, I close my eyes hoping to wish them away, they don't leave. "I was horrible to you, it may take a while before you want to be with me again and I completely understand." He is being great, maybe rehab and therapy works, he is the same old John Carter I once knew and loved. "I want to be with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I pause and look at him, "We have to make it right first, and that includes you fixing your issues with Bryce, its going to take a while. He is so stubborn, and you know that. First though we have to work through everything."
"Trust." He says just loud enough so I can hear it. "I have to learn to trust you with the drinking, and you have to learn to trust me with the using." I agree, trust became a big issue near the end of our relationship. I also fear him a little bit, I know every time he hurt me it was the drugs, at least I think it was. "When you hit me." I swallow trying to gather the courage I need to say what I am about to say. "Well push actually," I nervously tuck my hair behind my ears. "When you grabbed and pushed me, you were using every time... Right?" I bite my bottom lips, he opens his mouth slightly then closes it. "No." He says honestly. No? When did all this start, I am so confused right now! "What?" I say a little peeved. "The first night I grabbed you, when I bruised your arm-" Both of our eyes go directly for my arm. "When I grabbed you and squeezed you so tightly-" He starts to choke on his words, unable to say what he really wants too. "When I did that, I was sober, I was completely mortified with my actions that I went home and took some pills. At the time I convinced myself they were just to help me sleep. Now though I know they were not for that purpose." he scratches his arm. "They were to take away all the pain I was feeling at the time, all the pain I was causing you." He looks around the room, I can't look any where, but his face. "So you hurt me." I say this more to myself then I do to him. Our eyes lock, neither knowing what to say next. It was a very bad time in our relationship, I know he did not mean to hurt me, I don't even think he meant to grab me, but it happened. "I'm sorry- I never-" He shakes his head, this adds a whole new spin on things, although I am not sure why, because I didn't think he was using when it happened and I was semi- okay with it then. "Lets, lets just start fresh okay?" I smile through the tears. He nods reluctantly, he knows I am still a little sceptical, but I love him, and he is not a women abuser, well not as far as I know, what can I say, I was quite violent towards him from time to time also.
"Hey," Bryce walks into the room, his face stained with tears, he walks over to me and pulls me into a hug. "You could just forgive him?" He whispers. I pull away from our embrace and look at my son, "Bryce-" He shakes his head and walks over to Carter, he is going to give him an earful, I will stop him if it gets out of hand, but I have to let them make their peace. "Why didn't you say goodbye?" He says quietly,
"I couldn't" Bryce nods, then leaves, I am not sure what the point of that was, maybe he is taking it one step at a time. "Bryce-" I call out to him, he turns around, "What do you want on your pizza?"
"I'm not hungry." I know that he will talk to John when he is ready, I am just not sure when that will be.
I move closer to him and he wraps his arm loosely around my waist. I love being with him again, I just hope it lasts, I don't want to put my self through hell again if he is not going to stick around, granted I did end it the first time. "miscommunication." I mumbled, he pulls away from me slightly, "Huh?"
"We have a big communication issue." He continues to look at me funny.
"Yeah, but that's not our big-"
"John, when we broke up the first time, it was because I didn't let you explain, I just jumped to conclusions, and then when you started using and I started drinking it was because neither of us could talk to each other without yelling." I say somewhat fiercely.
"Okay, I just don't want to fight." I push myself off him then walk over to the kitchen. "I just want to-"
"No John! See we can't even talk now, you just want everything perfect so we end up hiding what is really bothering us. Maybe if we just started talking to each other to begin with then we wouldn't have ended up in this mess." I scream.
"I agree." He nods, walking towards me. Its like he's different, but he is trying to avoid a confrontation. He tries to pull me closer to him but I resist. "NO! Listen, I want to talk I don't want sex, or hugging." I say struggling against him.
"FINE! Jesus. I just want to be with you." He screams at me.
"I want to be with you too. I just- I am afraid it will end the same way every other time has." I walk past him and over to Bryce's door shutting it. "Well it won't!"
"How can you guarantee that? How can you promise that you won't use, or hurt me, or I won't drink."
"I thought we already talked about this?" He continues to stare at me.
"Yeah, well I guess it didn't do any good." I walk over to the kitchen sink and start to clean it up. "I want to be with you, you are the only one who has ever made me feel so in love. I had to come back, there was this women there, Annette-" I roll my eyes at her name. "She- she was great, but nothing compared to you. I could haev had this perfect life, but I don't want perfect. I don't want that life. The fake fairy tale life,"
"So your saying I'm not perfect." I say pickle jar in hand.
"NO!" He shouts at me. "YOU ARE NOT PERFECT!" He lowers his voice and looks at me. "That's what I love about you, its a ride, its us together and you make me feel great and I know if we work together we can get through any thing." He nod, he's right.
"We just have to be honest and open." I sigh.
"You're right about communication." He runs his fingers through his hair. "We can't break up all the time either." He finishes.
"Yeah, that takes a toll on everyone." We lock gazes for a moment. "I'm starving, lets get pizza." I pick up the phone, "We can deal with rest over pizza." I start to dial the number, "BRYCE!" He walks out of his room, as I am on hold with the pizza place. "What do you want on your pizza?" He shrugs,
"Um- pepperoni," I look at Carter who just shrugs. "I'll have what you're having."
"Oh no you don't want that." Bryce interferes.
"Uh- okay, then I'll share with Bryce." The pizza guy answers the phone
"Hi, uh I'll have 2 large pizzas, one with pepperoni, the other with anchovies, and chicken." Carter gives me a disgusted look. "Oh and three cokes-"
"You shouldn't have caffeine mom." Bryce adds.
"Oh, just two cokes, and a chocolate milk." I hang up and Carter is looking at me weird, he then turns to Bryce who shrugs, then walks into his room. "Are you going to eat out here sweetie?" I call to him.
"Is HE going to be here still?"
"YES!" I shriek,
"then NO!" I want Carter and Bryce to talk, I know Carter and I are not really back together yet, but I still want them to get the relationship they had back.
"Don't worry about it I'll talk to him." Carter says staring at me weirdly. "Why are you getting all that stuff on your pizza? And are you sure you can eat a whole one by yourself?" I nod my head yes, maybe I should tell him?
***REVIEW RESPONSES***
MrsWyle- Happy... well things get interesting, but I think its more of an amusing intersting then anything else.
ER-Carby-Luva- Yeah I like some of those names too!
IDontWriteIJustRead - You don't like the boys names? Meh me neither really lol, I love the name Hayden though.
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 74) Don't worry its definietely gonna be Carby there are about 30 chapters left.
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 73) I HATE NOSY TEACHERS GRRR Abby told her though hehe
IDontWriteIJustRead(CHAP 72)- Carter was just delusional
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 71) Of course he is, of course he is.
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 70)- Thank you! I'm proud of u :D
Lisa- No worries, we love long reviews, he's back... I thought he deserved to be shoved haha, that was from Bryce, Sylvia and I. For the dickhead he's becoming in the show lol.
JanBry- We did a little fast tracking, we had to pass somtime it will be explained later if it starts to get too confusing :) She 'annouced' her pregnancy on the roof in chap 71 or 73 lol i don't remmebr... those chapters are working now :D
***PREVIEW***
Her arms wrap closer around me, her voice soothing the evils of the world away. I want to push her away. Tell her to leave me alone, to let go. She'll be better off without me. But I can't. I doubt I would ever be able to do it. I feel my body being led to the bedroom, the door shut and locked. I look at her, I expect to see a look of disappointment, but I get nothing but compassion. She leads me to her bed, softly pulling me down.
His hands run all over my body, I can't believe I took him back so easily, but what can I say? He's my weakness. The tears continue to fall, I can't help it, I love him. Sometimes I wish I didn't, I would wish I never met him, but today, toady I am so glad I did, because anyone who can make me feel like this so quickly is definitely worth keeping around. He moves forward and kisses my forehead gently. I sit up closer to him, and our lips meet, soft at first, then our kisses deepen, months of passion to make up for keeps us from parting, I am out of breath, but I can't stop. Nothing can ruin this, its perfect, so peaceful, just John and I and all the emotions we have hidden from one another. I can't believe I ever lived with out him. 'I'm just living on a perfect day-' Our lips part, our heads looking towards the bedroom mere feet away. John looks at me sadly, I pull him in for another hug as the music plays loudly. "He's hurt." I whisper. I can feel him nod, I am hurt too, he just left, I know I knew why, but he never wrote to me, he wrote to Bryce once, but that was it. For some reason I can't be angry with him, he's just perfect to me right now.
He looks at me and smiles, "I missed you Abby." I smile back, wiping the tears off of my face, I want this moment to last forever, but I know it can't. We have to deal with our problems, we have to confront them head on. Then he has to do the same with Bryce that is the only way we will ever work. If we are honest with each other, and god knows I want this to work. He reaches for my hand and runs his thumb over the back of it. He slowly intertwines our fingers, wow, I never realised how much I missed little things like this. "I love you." He leans in for a kiss, a soft one, barley there, but it is. He pulls away caressing my face with his hand. "We have to talk John-" He knows this is serious. How could it not be? On top of him leaving, then dating another women, we are both recovering addicts, and we are having a baby together, granted he doesn't know about it, but I can't wear this sweater forever. "I know, I just want to be with you right now." He scoots closer to me, I move further away wanting to be in his arms, have his lips on my skin, but be can't be together until we have worked everything out, we have to air out that dirty laundry, and there is at least three loads worth. He looks at me, then leans against the couch, "you're right, I'm sorry." He runs his fingers through his hair.
"How are you." I curl one leg under the other, trying to prepare myself for whatever may happen tonight. "Uh- better, I haven't used in four months." He smiles. "I am doing better, I am closer with my mother now. My father too." I nod, I want to go deeper then this, he knows it too. "I am sorry for everything that happened, I want to tell you it will never happen again, but as an addict you know that we take a day at a time, a step at a time. I can't make any promises, but I can make a guarantee that I will love you no matter what."
"I love you John, but what happened when you were using was just- it was the worst thing I have ever experienced, I guess that must be what its like for Bryce when I am drunk, but I-" The tears are coming back, I close my eyes hoping to wish them away, they don't leave. "I was horrible to you, it may take a while before you want to be with me again and I completely understand." He is being great, maybe rehab and therapy works, he is the same old John Carter I once knew and loved. "I want to be with you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I pause and look at him, "We have to make it right first, and that includes you fixing your issues with Bryce, its going to take a while. He is so stubborn, and you know that. First though we have to work through everything."
"Trust." He says just loud enough so I can hear it. "I have to learn to trust you with the drinking, and you have to learn to trust me with the using." I agree, trust became a big issue near the end of our relationship. I also fear him a little bit, I know every time he hurt me it was the drugs, at least I think it was. "When you hit me." I swallow trying to gather the courage I need to say what I am about to say. "Well push actually," I nervously tuck my hair behind my ears. "When you grabbed and pushed me, you were using every time... Right?" I bite my bottom lips, he opens his mouth slightly then closes it. "No." He says honestly. No? When did all this start, I am so confused right now! "What?" I say a little peeved. "The first night I grabbed you, when I bruised your arm-" Both of our eyes go directly for my arm. "When I grabbed you and squeezed you so tightly-" He starts to choke on his words, unable to say what he really wants too. "When I did that, I was sober, I was completely mortified with my actions that I went home and took some pills. At the time I convinced myself they were just to help me sleep. Now though I know they were not for that purpose." he scratches his arm. "They were to take away all the pain I was feeling at the time, all the pain I was causing you." He looks around the room, I can't look any where, but his face. "So you hurt me." I say this more to myself then I do to him. Our eyes lock, neither knowing what to say next. It was a very bad time in our relationship, I know he did not mean to hurt me, I don't even think he meant to grab me, but it happened. "I'm sorry- I never-" He shakes his head, this adds a whole new spin on things, although I am not sure why, because I didn't think he was using when it happened and I was semi- okay with it then. "Lets, lets just start fresh okay?" I smile through the tears. He nods reluctantly, he knows I am still a little sceptical, but I love him, and he is not a women abuser, well not as far as I know, what can I say, I was quite violent towards him from time to time also.
"Hey," Bryce walks into the room, his face stained with tears, he walks over to me and pulls me into a hug. "You could just forgive him?" He whispers. I pull away from our embrace and look at my son, "Bryce-" He shakes his head and walks over to Carter, he is going to give him an earful, I will stop him if it gets out of hand, but I have to let them make their peace. "Why didn't you say goodbye?" He says quietly,
"I couldn't" Bryce nods, then leaves, I am not sure what the point of that was, maybe he is taking it one step at a time. "Bryce-" I call out to him, he turns around, "What do you want on your pizza?"
"I'm not hungry." I know that he will talk to John when he is ready, I am just not sure when that will be.
I move closer to him and he wraps his arm loosely around my waist. I love being with him again, I just hope it lasts, I don't want to put my self through hell again if he is not going to stick around, granted I did end it the first time. "miscommunication." I mumbled, he pulls away from me slightly, "Huh?"
"We have a big communication issue." He continues to look at me funny.
"Yeah, but that's not our big-"
"John, when we broke up the first time, it was because I didn't let you explain, I just jumped to conclusions, and then when you started using and I started drinking it was because neither of us could talk to each other without yelling." I say somewhat fiercely.
"Okay, I just don't want to fight." I push myself off him then walk over to the kitchen. "I just want to-"
"No John! See we can't even talk now, you just want everything perfect so we end up hiding what is really bothering us. Maybe if we just started talking to each other to begin with then we wouldn't have ended up in this mess." I scream.
"I agree." He nods, walking towards me. Its like he's different, but he is trying to avoid a confrontation. He tries to pull me closer to him but I resist. "NO! Listen, I want to talk I don't want sex, or hugging." I say struggling against him.
"FINE! Jesus. I just want to be with you." He screams at me.
"I want to be with you too. I just- I am afraid it will end the same way every other time has." I walk past him and over to Bryce's door shutting it. "Well it won't!"
"How can you guarantee that? How can you promise that you won't use, or hurt me, or I won't drink."
"I thought we already talked about this?" He continues to stare at me.
"Yeah, well I guess it didn't do any good." I walk over to the kitchen sink and start to clean it up. "I want to be with you, you are the only one who has ever made me feel so in love. I had to come back, there was this women there, Annette-" I roll my eyes at her name. "She- she was great, but nothing compared to you. I could haev had this perfect life, but I don't want perfect. I don't want that life. The fake fairy tale life,"
"So your saying I'm not perfect." I say pickle jar in hand.
"NO!" He shouts at me. "YOU ARE NOT PERFECT!" He lowers his voice and looks at me. "That's what I love about you, its a ride, its us together and you make me feel great and I know if we work together we can get through any thing." He nod, he's right.
"We just have to be honest and open." I sigh.
"You're right about communication." He runs his fingers through his hair. "We can't break up all the time either." He finishes.
"Yeah, that takes a toll on everyone." We lock gazes for a moment. "I'm starving, lets get pizza." I pick up the phone, "We can deal with rest over pizza." I start to dial the number, "BRYCE!" He walks out of his room, as I am on hold with the pizza place. "What do you want on your pizza?" He shrugs,
"Um- pepperoni," I look at Carter who just shrugs. "I'll have what you're having."
"Oh no you don't want that." Bryce interferes.
"Uh- okay, then I'll share with Bryce." The pizza guy answers the phone
"Hi, uh I'll have 2 large pizzas, one with pepperoni, the other with anchovies, and chicken." Carter gives me a disgusted look. "Oh and three cokes-"
"You shouldn't have caffeine mom." Bryce adds.
"Oh, just two cokes, and a chocolate milk." I hang up and Carter is looking at me weird, he then turns to Bryce who shrugs, then walks into his room. "Are you going to eat out here sweetie?" I call to him.
"Is HE going to be here still?"
"YES!" I shriek,
"then NO!" I want Carter and Bryce to talk, I know Carter and I are not really back together yet, but I still want them to get the relationship they had back.
"Don't worry about it I'll talk to him." Carter says staring at me weirdly. "Why are you getting all that stuff on your pizza? And are you sure you can eat a whole one by yourself?" I nod my head yes, maybe I should tell him?
***REVIEW RESPONSES***
MrsWyle- Happy... well things get interesting, but I think its more of an amusing intersting then anything else.
ER-Carby-Luva- Yeah I like some of those names too!
IDontWriteIJustRead - You don't like the boys names? Meh me neither really lol, I love the name Hayden though.
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 74) Don't worry its definietely gonna be Carby there are about 30 chapters left.
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 73) I HATE NOSY TEACHERS GRRR Abby told her though hehe
IDontWriteIJustRead(CHAP 72)- Carter was just delusional
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 71) Of course he is, of course he is.
IDontWriteIJustRead (CHAP 70)- Thank you! I'm proud of u :D
Lisa- No worries, we love long reviews, he's back... I thought he deserved to be shoved haha, that was from Bryce, Sylvia and I. For the dickhead he's becoming in the show lol.
JanBry- We did a little fast tracking, we had to pass somtime it will be explained later if it starts to get too confusing :) She 'annouced' her pregnancy on the roof in chap 71 or 73 lol i don't remmebr... those chapters are working now :D
***PREVIEW***
Her arms wrap closer around me, her voice soothing the evils of the world away. I want to push her away. Tell her to leave me alone, to let go. She'll be better off without me. But I can't. I doubt I would ever be able to do it. I feel my body being led to the bedroom, the door shut and locked. I look at her, I expect to see a look of disappointment, but I get nothing but compassion. She leads me to her bed, softly pulling me down.