Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Fullstop. Not a goddamn thing.
" . . . " = SPEECH
. . . = THOUGHTS
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I'm gonna tell you a story.
Once apon a time there was a girl. She had red hair and purple eyes. One day she decided that she wanted to be a knight, so she dressed up as a boy and went to the palace. Seven and a half years later she got her shield, killed a Duke, and became a bazhir. Then she went to the Roof of the World and got a pretty jewel from a big ape with a sword. She met a princess on her way and took her home for the prince. One day the Duke came back to life, and tried to destroy the country. The girl was the Kings Champion by then, and she killed him again. But not before Life screwed her over and her brother and her kitty-cat died. Then she got married, had five kids, and engaged in several arguments with His-Royal-Pain-in-the-Ass, the King. She thought life was perfect. Then Life decided to screw her again. But you already know all this. You already know how she lost everything she had left. You already know how the higher people get, the harder they fall. The girl fell hard. You know who the girl is, too. You wouldn't be here if you didn't.
I had a cat once. I had a brother, too. And a father, a mother, a husband, children. There are two things that connect all these people. One's me, the other's that they're dead. All of them. Every single godsdamned one. Them - me - death. Kinda puts things in perspective, doesn't it? I thought life was perfect - sun was shining, birds were singing, Jon was an asshole . . . then I woke up.
Someone once told me that life's what you make of it. They're what's generally known as a COMPLETE IDIOT. Dickwad extrodinaire. Life's shit no matter what you do. The only way you can lessen the pain is to stay away from every other living soul on this crappy-ass planet. Like I said before, I fell pretty hard. It won't happen again. I have a job to do - cuz I don't break my promises. Ever.
Promises are funny. You say them - and usually mean to stick to them, I admit - but you never really know what you're getting yourself into. I promised I would always be there when Jon needed me, so now I'm stuck in this life until he croaks as well - I hope he does it soon. I promised to always love and honour George (I never said anything about obeying him), so now I'm stuck as a heartsick Champion, Lady Knight of Tortall, until the day I see him again. And that'll be when I'm dead. Then again, I've been half dead for the last twenty years. Thom used to always tell me that we would both die at exactly the same time. That one couldn't possibly live for more than the other, even for a millisecond. He was right. Half of my soul died with him in that chamber, and the other half died with George and my baby children. With Myles. With the only things I had left. My body's still going, but there's nothing inside it anymore, not even anger, not even pain. Just nothing. And somehow that's more terrible than the worst pain I could ever imagine - because alongside pain there's always a glimmer of hope, of light. But I don't feel any of that now. I'm numb. I know the pain's coming, it just hasn't arrived yet, I guess. It's hiding in the shadows, waiting for me. Stalking me.
I spoke to Keladry of Mindelan the night after she was knighted. I was so happy - I finally had some company in my chosen profession. And she was REAL. That's what I told her. She's. Real. I've never been real, and I never will be. I'm the one everyone would love to be, but so totally impossible to achieve it was never even worth the effort of trying in the first place. I'm fake, like the traditionalists have been claiming since the day I 'came out'. I'm UNREAL. I never asked to be half witch, half warrior - that's what I tell people. It wasn't my choice. Doesn't really matter now, after what I did to those bastards who took away the rest of my life. I finally proved those cock-suckers right. One spell and they all melted in the flames. Kinda the way it happened with Roger. The flames just swallowed them up. Them - me - death. The story of my life. "It's harder to heal than it is to kill. The Mother knows why, but you've a skill for both" That's what Maude told me, my last day in Trebond. She was wrong. Death is my gift, not life. I have a 'skill' for death only. Healing is just a temporary relief from the inevitable. Roger tried to cheat death, and was sent into purgatory. I'd prefer death, because the nothingness of limbo is where I am now. Oblivion.
The really confusing thing is that through the void that my brain now consists of I'm telling you this. It's the only even semi-conscious thought I've had since I got home. I guess they're not completely mistaken when they tell me that talking helps. But then talking will make the pain will come.
I fell pretty hard. It won't happen again. I have a job to do - cuz I don't break my promises. Ever. The tale has ended. I've woken up…
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A/N: Chapter 1. So…yeah. Hope ya didn't hate it 2 much. Plz r/r, thanx. Let me know what ya hate so I can, uh, not do it again. Luv ya ^_~
PS. NO-ONE ELSE DIED IN THIS CHAPTER!. Aren't ya proud of me?
" . . . " = SPEECH
. . . = THOUGHTS
**************************************************************************** *******
**************************************************************************** *******
I'm gonna tell you a story.
Once apon a time there was a girl. She had red hair and purple eyes. One day she decided that she wanted to be a knight, so she dressed up as a boy and went to the palace. Seven and a half years later she got her shield, killed a Duke, and became a bazhir. Then she went to the Roof of the World and got a pretty jewel from a big ape with a sword. She met a princess on her way and took her home for the prince. One day the Duke came back to life, and tried to destroy the country. The girl was the Kings Champion by then, and she killed him again. But not before Life screwed her over and her brother and her kitty-cat died. Then she got married, had five kids, and engaged in several arguments with His-Royal-Pain-in-the-Ass, the King. She thought life was perfect. Then Life decided to screw her again. But you already know all this. You already know how she lost everything she had left. You already know how the higher people get, the harder they fall. The girl fell hard. You know who the girl is, too. You wouldn't be here if you didn't.
I had a cat once. I had a brother, too. And a father, a mother, a husband, children. There are two things that connect all these people. One's me, the other's that they're dead. All of them. Every single godsdamned one. Them - me - death. Kinda puts things in perspective, doesn't it? I thought life was perfect - sun was shining, birds were singing, Jon was an asshole . . . then I woke up.
Someone once told me that life's what you make of it. They're what's generally known as a COMPLETE IDIOT. Dickwad extrodinaire. Life's shit no matter what you do. The only way you can lessen the pain is to stay away from every other living soul on this crappy-ass planet. Like I said before, I fell pretty hard. It won't happen again. I have a job to do - cuz I don't break my promises. Ever.
Promises are funny. You say them - and usually mean to stick to them, I admit - but you never really know what you're getting yourself into. I promised I would always be there when Jon needed me, so now I'm stuck in this life until he croaks as well - I hope he does it soon. I promised to always love and honour George (I never said anything about obeying him), so now I'm stuck as a heartsick Champion, Lady Knight of Tortall, until the day I see him again. And that'll be when I'm dead. Then again, I've been half dead for the last twenty years. Thom used to always tell me that we would both die at exactly the same time. That one couldn't possibly live for more than the other, even for a millisecond. He was right. Half of my soul died with him in that chamber, and the other half died with George and my baby children. With Myles. With the only things I had left. My body's still going, but there's nothing inside it anymore, not even anger, not even pain. Just nothing. And somehow that's more terrible than the worst pain I could ever imagine - because alongside pain there's always a glimmer of hope, of light. But I don't feel any of that now. I'm numb. I know the pain's coming, it just hasn't arrived yet, I guess. It's hiding in the shadows, waiting for me. Stalking me.
I spoke to Keladry of Mindelan the night after she was knighted. I was so happy - I finally had some company in my chosen profession. And she was REAL. That's what I told her. She's. Real. I've never been real, and I never will be. I'm the one everyone would love to be, but so totally impossible to achieve it was never even worth the effort of trying in the first place. I'm fake, like the traditionalists have been claiming since the day I 'came out'. I'm UNREAL. I never asked to be half witch, half warrior - that's what I tell people. It wasn't my choice. Doesn't really matter now, after what I did to those bastards who took away the rest of my life. I finally proved those cock-suckers right. One spell and they all melted in the flames. Kinda the way it happened with Roger. The flames just swallowed them up. Them - me - death. The story of my life. "It's harder to heal than it is to kill. The Mother knows why, but you've a skill for both" That's what Maude told me, my last day in Trebond. She was wrong. Death is my gift, not life. I have a 'skill' for death only. Healing is just a temporary relief from the inevitable. Roger tried to cheat death, and was sent into purgatory. I'd prefer death, because the nothingness of limbo is where I am now. Oblivion.
The really confusing thing is that through the void that my brain now consists of I'm telling you this. It's the only even semi-conscious thought I've had since I got home. I guess they're not completely mistaken when they tell me that talking helps. But then talking will make the pain will come.
I fell pretty hard. It won't happen again. I have a job to do - cuz I don't break my promises. Ever. The tale has ended. I've woken up…
**************************************************************************** *******
**************************************************************************** *******
A/N: Chapter 1. So…yeah. Hope ya didn't hate it 2 much. Plz r/r, thanx. Let me know what ya hate so I can, uh, not do it again. Luv ya ^_~
PS. NO-ONE ELSE DIED IN THIS CHAPTER!. Aren't ya proud of me?