Hey everyone, again.
Listen, I really hope you guys aren't mad that I'll be writing the story after this chapter. I don't really know why I'm just worried you guys hate me. But give me a chance?
Also, since I'll have to write the chapters after this, less updating. Since I have two stories to write, it'll take more time. (My other story is Burnt Inside, read it if you like.) But I always try to write a lot, so don't expect this to be one of those quick updating stories. But believe me, I'm trying.
I have things planned for this story, so expect more coming. You will eventually learn more about why the boys have their 'problems'.
So without further ado, here is chapter two!
Summary: Everyone has their problems, but for these four boys things are much more serious. From being socially inept, to not being able to move on from the past. From having reoccurring panic attacks, to having no control over your urges. It makes life just that much harder, but will they be able to help each other, or will they let their fear get the better of them. Kogan/Jarlos/Light Kames.
Fear Of You
Chapter 2: No One Can Be Perfect
Thanks for all of your favs, alerts and reviews mean a lot, so remember to keep them coming.
I fall back on my bed, thinking about the cute pale brunet who would not leave my mind. He is just adorable, being all shy and cute, ugh! All through group I just wanted to throw him onto the floor and kiss him until he couldn't breathe. I shouldn't be thinking of him this however. I know it's stupid because I only just met the guy; not just that but he has a social phobia. He's probably never even kissed someone before, especially with his disorder being as severe as it was. I hear a knock at the door, so I stand. I open the door to find James standing there with a cute smirk on his face.
"I'm horny and you're lonely," he finally says, jutting out his bottom lip before entering my apartment. He is wearing a black trench coat which glades across the ground as he walks. He immediately sheds this however, turning around to face me, completely naked. I cross my arms over my chest leaning against the door frame.
"Well aren't you gorgeous-"
"Just shut up and fuck me," he hisses, pushing me up against the wall, his hand moving down to rub me between my legs.
"Y-You know where the b-bed room is," I stutter out. He pulls away smiling, turning to walk towards my bedroom door.
"Aren't you coming?" He asks his voice fill of want and need.
"I'll be there in a second," I reply.
"Don't be too long."
I take a few deep breaths as James enters my bedroom, trying to rid my thoughts of Logan. I can't enjoy hot, rough sex with James if all I can think about it the petite, pale beautiful man who has not left my mind since the end of the session.
"Ugh, hurry up Kendall, otherwise I'll finish without you," I can hear him stroking himself from here. I roll my eyes taking on last deep breath as I shed my own clothes and enter my bedroom.
I roll off of James, falling to his side, the both of us panting as we come down from our climaxes.
"God, you get better every time," James breathes out, turning to lie on his stomach. I can feel him watching me underneath his lusciously long eye-lashes.
"Yeah," I grunt out in reply.
"So, are we going to talk about the new freak shows or what?"
I've known James ever since he came into group therapy six months ago. I had been with the group for about seven months at the time, so I have now been there for a year in one month. I have been there the longest, James the second longest and the rest are kind of newbies to how everything works. Camille has been there for three months and everyone else has been there for two or less. I know James better than anyone else in my life, better than my own family, not that I really have a family anymore. James comes off as arrogant, cocky, maybe even a little self-absorbed at times, but I'm the only one who knows it's all an act. Well Leila probably does to; after all she's the councillor for the group and probably knows more about me than I do myself.
James is just an extremely complex being. When put in situations he isn't comfortable with he closes up completely. In group he's all right because he knows what to expect. It is when the unexpected happens that he really begins to suffer. James has a panic disorder. When he deals with a situation unfamiliar to him he begins to panic. Panic attacks often come next, leading him not being able to breathe. I've seen it a few times and it is truly a scary sight.
"Don't call them that," I say, not wanting to go through this conversation again. It all honesty it happens a lot.
"What call them what they are?"
"James if there freak shows then so are we."
"I'm not a freak show."
"Hate to break it to you buddy but-"
"Shut up Kendall," and now he is freezing me out, turning over onto his side away from me.
"I'm sorry," I finally say, moving to wrap my arm around his waist, kissing in between his shoulder blades.
"Mmm, me to," he finally replies. He turns to look me in the eyes, and I see the side of James I truly no. The delicate, sad, child like him, who craves one thing above all-"
"She's stupid you know," I whisper, stroking the side of his face. He looks away from me shyly.
"Your kind of perfect James, and you shouldn't let her make you think otherwise," he looks up at me, as I say this, pulling me in for deep kiss. It's not something that we regularly do, trying to keep what we have free of feelings. We agreed when we started this that it wasn't about falling in love or anything like that. It is exactly what James had said when he had first walked in. He's horny and I'm lonely; there is nothing more to it than that. He pulls back from the kiss, blushing.
"Sorry, I just-"
"It's okay," I reply not thinking too much into what has happened.
"I'm not perfect you know, nowhere near," James whispers before burying his face into the crook of my shoulder. I hold him tight one thought in my mind.
No one is.
The gun. I shook as it pointed at my head, my eyes looking through the mirror to see the terrified faces of my family. My little sister, my mother, my-
"Shut up you little bitch," the cold harsh blow up the gun smacking my face stings without remorse as I whimpered at what was happening.
"Don't hurt him," my mum starts but then the gun is pointing at her.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut, UP!" the gun fires…
I awake with a gasp, panting heavily a cold sweat covering my body. I hear a wheezing sound next to me, so I quickly turn to see James clutching at his throat his face red with breathlessness.
"Shit!" I scream out, my mind full of fog because of what I had just been reminiscing.
"K-Kendall," his voice is croaking and I can tell that he close to unconsciousness, as his body thrashes against the bedding trying to breathe.
"Where is it, where is it," I mutter myself trying to get the terrifying flashes of my family, of the gun, of the car falling, crashing…
"James I can't find it," I cry out, wishing I that this was just another terrifying dream.
"Pan-pan-" I quickly jump off of the bed grabbing at James' bed and grab at his pants searching through his pockets. I pull out the bottles of pills, grabbing on out and sitting next to him.
"Just relax," I say, stroking his hair. I pop the pill into his mouth and he swallows. After what feels like forever he calms down, to my relief. I pull him in for a hug, the both of us crying. We are both such a mess. I know neither of us will be able to sleep, so I pull him up rubbing at my eyes with my sleeve. I pull him to my couch as we settle upon it, cuddling together. I use the remote to turn on the television as we watch this for the rest of the night, flashbacks of what had happened running through my mind the entire time; just like always. I sigh dejectedly.
I walk through the grocery store the next day, not intent on getting groceries. I am there looking at the counter seeing my sister Katie, I spy on her from behind a shelf of flavoured condoms which ironically I am out of stock of. I shake my head not wanting to be buying condoms in front of my sister. I decide that I'll just get a box of my favourite cereal, walking over to grab some before getting in her line. When it's my turn I step up.
"Hi welcome to-"her words die on her lips as she looks up at me.
"Hey baby sister," I say nervously. I put the cereal up as she scans the item not bothering to look at me. Katie is my sister. I haven't had a proper conversation with her in years no matter how many times I attempt to do so. I learnt in group from Lelia that talking to people who were there when the traumatic incident occurred leading to PTSD can really help. It's all about moving on from the past, but how can I do that when Katie my sister won't even talk to me when not necessary, my mum can barely stand the sight of me, and-
"That'll be four-seventy five," I hand over the money.
Come on Kendall just talk to her, say something, it's what you came here to do, I say to myself.
"Nice weather we're having today," I mentally slap myself. Could I have asked a more stupid question? Katie just scoffs, putting my cereal into a bag.
"Thanks for buying, please have a terrible day, and don't return here again," she says with a fake smile plastered over her face.
"Katie please just talk to-"
"What happened to that girls face?" I turn to see a little boy sitting in the trolley, his mother now standing their awkwardly. I gulp feeling completely at fault. I look up to see the terrible scar that has destroyed Katie's face, never leaving her the same.
"I'm so sorry," the mother tries, but Katie just smiles.
"It's fine," she then leans down to look into the little boys eyes.
"Do you want to know how I got this?"
"How."
"I fought a dragon."
"A dragon," the boy gasps in astonishment, his mouth gaping open in awe.
"Yeah and I even won against him."
"You won," the mother chuckled at her son, as Katie nodded. She then began to serve the woman who again apologised.
"Katie look please I just need to talk to you," I try again but she stops me with a glare.
"Leave now before I call my boss."
I sigh in defeat before turning and leaving. Before I can though, I see a familiar face out of the corner of my eyes. I turn back around to see Logan with a middle aged woman and man. I can only guess that those are his parents. He is clinging to his mother's jacket, looking around in a paranoid fashion. I find it weird that I see this as being extremely cute. The mother seems bothered by it, for she keeps looking around as if she is being judged by all of the other's in the supermarket. She is not nearly as bothered by it as the father though. The father isn't even trying to hide the fact that he is glaring at his son like he is some sort of freak. It's not as if he can help it, I think to myself, deciding that even though I haven't spoken a word to Logan's father I already don't like him. I decide then and there that I am going over to talk to Logan. I hope I don't scare him, but I have really wanted to see him ever since group last night. I walk up to the three of them, Logan not noticing me until I am a few feet away. He freezes up upon seeing me, going rather pale.
"Logan what are you-"the mother follows her sons line of vision to see me standing there.
"I'm sorry but can I help you," the mother snaps at me. I look at her with a glare, before leaning to my side to be able to see Logan fully.
"Hey Logan," I give a small wave.
"How do you know my son," the mother questions.
"Oh, we're are, well we're in group together, we met last night," Logan is avoiding my eyes staring right at the ground.
"Oh well that's good then, well we must be going so if you don't mind-"
"Actually Joana, why don't we let the boys talk," I can see the father put a hand on his wife's shoulder pushing her forward.
"What I don't think-"
"Let's go," he says forcefully moving to leave Logan behind. Logan tries to follow after his parents, but he is stopped by me being in the way.
"Hey," I say as he takes a few steps away, his eyes back on the floor, his fingers moving to fiddle with his hair.
"How've you been," I try, and he just shrugs.
"Well that's cool, I've been all right myself."
I look at him in hopes of a reply, but there is nothing. He actually looks like he is having breathing troubles, almost like a panic attack but there is something different about it. I can't quite understand it but I let it go all the same.
"So um, are you just out shopping with your folks?" He nods.
"Oh that's cool, um, they um seem weird," I let out an awkward chuckle, and when Logan does the same, I feel like I might be getting somewhere. He actually made a noise in front of me, not that he hadn't before. We had of course had a conversation last night, but this is better because we're by ourselves not in the group environment.
"So um, did you enjoy group last night. I mean I know that's it's not for some people. I even think sometimes that it's not really helping me, but then I think of what I used to be like and yeah, I'm a lot better now than I was a year ago," okay stop rambling, you're looking like an idiot, I say inwardly.
"So do you think it helped?" I say getting back to the original question.
Logan makes this kind of whispering noise. I don't really know what to make of it, but he eventually blushes red, and just lets his mouth hang agape.
"Well um, again it helped me, but maybe you just need a few sessions."
Logan nods, not looking up at me.
"Oh well I guess I should get going, got places to go, people to see, bye," I turn to leave, but I feel Logan's hand on my sleeve tugging me back. I turn back around to see his pale face, his chocolaty eyes wide with fear.
"I-I don't know where m-my mum i-is," he stutters out, and I immediately smile.
"Well, why don't I help you find her," I turn and Logan follows after me, clutching at my sleeve. I don't know why but I feel some sort of pull deep inside me, wanting me to stay with this boy forever. It sounds strange to say, but there is something about him, that keeps me wanting more. I didn't even manage to once think of James during sex last night, no matter how hard I had tried.
We finally find his parents, Logan's mother glaring at me, before guiding him away down another aisle. Logan's father smiles as me before running after his wife, but I still don't like him. I don't know why but there is just something about him that strikes a nerve inside of me.
I leave the supermarket after this encounter, as I walk out into the car park I begin to become slightly nervous. Cars always do this to me, make me sweat and feel nervous and scared. I haven't driven a car in years, deciding to walk everywhere. I haven't even been in a taxi. I sometime bike places, but I mostly like to walk, it gives me time to think.
When a car approaches me to turn into a car park, I freeze up until the car engine stops.
"Are you all right son?" I hear an elderly man say as he exits his car, but I don't stick around to answer. I begin to run. I run all the way home, cars honking their horns, veering past. It brings on the flashbacks which make me squirm. When I finally get back to my apartment, I slam the door shut and lock it. I then fall to the floor, breathing heavily tears streaming down my face. I twitch back and forth, scratch at my face, pull at my hair until some of my blond locks come out in my strong grasp. The flashbacks never leave, they never leave me, and sometimes I don't ever think they will.
Love it? Hate it? Please let me know. (welcome to any new readers, and old.)
Leave some ideas and thoughts?
Also, I wanted to tell you guys something. I have moderate social anxiety. This is sort of easy for me to think of ways to go with Logan. And it's easy to know how he feels in this, I can relate.
I already have many ideas for writing from Logan's POV, it'll be easy. Please don't consider me a freak show. I'm already considered that by people who hate me.
It's actually really tough dealing with it, because I have to do so many presentations because Christmas vacation is coming.
Also, since Christmas is coming, that means more updates!
I hope you enjoyed reading this.
DianaMaslowx