A South Park Christmas Carol
Chapter 2: The Ghost of Christmas Past
Cartman woke up unexpectedly when his clock radio buzzed to life at 1:00am. He reached over and shut it off in annoyance and was about to turn over when something rapped him hard on the head.
"OW! What the fuck?" Cartman looked over to see he had been hit by Grandpa Marsh's angry transparent hand. This was surprising. Cartman didn't know Stan's grandpa was dead. He looked pretty good actually, in this form. He was still in his wheelchair, but his face was smooth and he had a full head of hair. You couldn't mistake who he was though.
"Get up, Billy!" Grandpa Marsh spat, "I just finally died 3 hours ago in my sleep, and I'm suddenly told I can't go on into the afterlife until I show you Christmas Past or some shit!"
Cartman snorted and folded his arms. "Well sucks to be you fagtron, I'm going back to sleep!"
"No you're not! Com'ere Billy." With surprising strength, Grandpa Marsh grabbed Cartman's pudgy arm and yanked him out of bed and toward the window which opened as they approached.
"My name's not Billy, asshole! And you can't yank me out the window, that's 5 ft off the fucking ground! I'll die asshole!"
"Well sucks to be you, you little asswipe!" Grandpa Marsh grunted and hauled both of them outside. But to Cartman's amazement they did not drop to the ground, instead flying up into the sky.
"Holy shit!" Cartman gasped and kicked his legs about wildly in the air as Grandpa Marsh pulled him through the sky in his wheelchair.
"Yeah, enjoy it, this is probably the lightest you'll ever get, Pudgy."
"AYE!" The two flew for a while until they landed on an old cobblestone street. Cartman looked around in confusion. "The fuck... where the hell are we?"
"This is where I had my Christmases when I was a boy! And all I got was a stinking orange! And I had to walk twelve miles to school every day uphill on my knees! And don't even get me started about the prisons and workhouses..."
Cartman glared and folded his arms in a huff. "Well what the fuck does that have to do with me?"
"Nothing, but I figure as long as I'm allowed the power to time travel I'm going to abuse it. No one can see us here so I figure I'm gonna go spend one more night on the Margaret Louise... the hottest baker's daughter to grace a tavern," Grandpa Marsh grinned and rolled off down the street.
"H-hey, wait up!" Cartman puffed and tried to give chase but ended up giving up pretty fast. He instead decided to walk up and down the streets, wondering sadly if he'd be back home in time to open his I-Pod Touch before the greedy Jew came over to probably steal it to 'teach him a lesson' or some bullshit.
"E-Eric?" a high pitched voice suddenly came from behind him. He looked around but saw nothing but tramps and hobos. "Is that you?"
"Who wants to know?" Cartman growled, looking around in bewilderment.
"Oh my goodness! My dear, dear brother!" A laughing girl came pelting out of the darkness who, with a brown ponytail bobbing, flung herself around Cartman's flabby midsection.
"Who the hell are you?" Cartman gasped, struggling to pull the random girl off himself.
"I'm your little sister!" she smiled, "But... of course you don't know me." She released Cartman and drew back, looking sad now.
Cartman was puzzled. The girl did seem to bear some resemblance to his mother, and maybe just a little to him, but he was pretty sure he'd know about having a sister, especially one in maybe the second grade. "Okay... well I have to find Stan's dead grandpa so I can go home, so-"
The girl's eyes got wide. "Oh please don't go! Dad wants to see you too! He's much kinder now, and-"
Cartman scowled. "I don't have a dad! Well I do, it's my mom but, well it's complicated!"
The girl shook her head. "Oh no, I mean, you did have a dad and a sister, me, but we were written out of the pilot!"
"What pilot? Crazy little bitch..." Cartman muttered.
"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?" an angry voice came from the darkness.
"NO! IT'S MATT AND TREY!" the little girl screamed and hid behind Cartman's bulk.
"BITCH!" a Jew-froed man came out from the blackness, "YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT TO BREAK THE 4TH WALL!" There was a sucking sound and the little girl was drawn, screaming, away from Cartman towards the void. "GO BACK TO FAILED IDEA HELL, WHERE YOU BELONG!"
"EEK!" she screamed and there was silence.
"... what the fuck," Cartman blinked as Grandpa Marsh wheeled up next to him, looking flushed with his hair mussed up and large bright red lip stick smears all over his face, down his chest to his... uh...
"Come on Billy, now we're going to see how you failed at your own Christmases," Grandpa Marsh tugged Cartman into the sky and away.
Cartman landed with a bump in the school yard of South Park elementary. He saw himself come out the door accompanied by Kenny, Kyle and Stan. The four rushed outside and stuck their tongues out to catch snowflakes when Past Cartman stopped and glared at Kyle.
"Hey, Jews can't eat Christmas snow!" Cartman of the past snapped.
"Screw you Cartman!" Kyle snapped back.
"Hey, I remember that!" Cartman of the present laughed, "What a dumbass Jew." The scene changed and Cartman faced himself at his grandmother's house, being handed a present by his grandmother.
"It's a sweater; I think it will look very good on you!" Cartman's grandmother smiled.
"What the hell, I drove five hours in the car to the middle of nowhere for a fucking SWEATER?" past Cartman raged.
"Grandma was an old whore," present Cartman grumbled, still blaming her for his still-painful loss of one million dollars in that whole 'Cartmanland' fiasco. If she'd never left it to him, he never would've lost it, damn it!
The scene changed and Cartman saw himself making fun of Kyle's dreidel song. Then he saw himself leaving all the work of a Christmas animation to Kyle and Stan and coming back in the end to take credit for it. Then he saw himself trying to bring Christmas to the Middle East to get himself off the naughty list. Then he saw himself trying to fight Kyle for making him miss out on Christmas to save his little brother and bring him home for the holidays. Then he saw himself reading his Christmas story where he had Kyle get himself possessed by the anti-Christ.
Cartman sighed "As much as I appreciate the trip down my awesome memory lane, it's gotta be morning by now so-"
"Actually, no time has passed in the present while we were mucking about here," Grandpa Marsh grinning maliciously, "And we're not done!"
"What the fuck asshole! You're just trying to torture me!" Cartman screamed and was about to throw a tantrum when the scene changed again and he saw himself sitting next to Wendy Testaberger in the school library, eating double stuffed Oreos. The fat boy of the present's mouth dropped open. "B-but... this isn't Christmas!"
Grandpa Marsh nodded. "I know, but this'll probably get you to shut the fuck up."
Cartman moaned as he saw Wendy giggle with him and as the scene shifted he witnessed himself being kissed by her. He remembered how much he had really liked that. But in the end, as he soon relived, Wendy went back to Stan.
"The fuck... why the hell would you show me that?" Cartman ground his teeth and tried to fight back the tears that totally were because someone had left onions lying around somewhere. That had really fucking hurt... the bitch. Why would she have done that to him?
As if he'd heard his thoughts, Grandpa Marsh replied, "Well maybe she would've actually liked you if you lost about fifty pounds, Tubby"
"TAKE ME HOME RIGHT NOW!" Cartman screamed, closing his eyes and stamping his foot. When he opened them, he saw himself returned to his bedroom. He was ticked off, but decided to just go to back to bed to get through the rest of the night in peace. Sure enough, in checking his clock radio he confirmed that no time had passed and it was still 1:00am. He snuggled under the covers with Clyde Frog and went back to sleep, the words: "Aging hippie asshole," on his lips.
TBC