Axel didn't care about Roxas, didn't like him, didn't love him; he felt nothing for him. He felt nothing for anything, really. Which made what he was about to do even more stupid, because there was no reason for it.

Everything he'd done during his time with the Organization had been calculated, it furthered his goals, Saix's goals. It was rational, brutal at times, and heartless, but that's exactly what Axel was. He had no heart. He had feelings. He did not care.

These things had enabled him to do whatever it took.

Killing his own comrades, even as they begged and looked at him with perfect facsimile's of fear in their eyes. He'd done it with a smirk. Even though he didn't particularly want the icky jobs, if he could like, he would have liked winning. Axel did what needed to be done, and everything was one step closer to furthering Saix's ends, and thus Axel's ends. They were together on this, they'd always been together.

Growing up, he'd been Isa's shadow, following him around, looking up to him. Isa was older, smarter, and had been considerably taller back then. Axel was taller now, and probably stronger. He didn't need Saix, he could serve his own ends now, even if they didn't make any sense.

Betraying the Organization was a death sentence, well, elimination. Axel couldn't exactly call what he was now "alive". Still, up until now self preservation had been pretty high up on his list of priorities, but he was beginning to question that. Why it should matter? Lea was dead, so was Isa, and nothing mattered. Literally.

He laughed at that, even though it wasn't funny, but maybe he liked to pretend that he could find the absurdity of it all hilarious.

Axel didn't know why he was doing this. Even if nothing mattered and he could not care, Axel was aware of basic needs. The need to exist, become whole again. Whatever he was as a Nobody, it wasn't quite dead, so he clung to what could be called life. Clung to his form, to his memories, to existence, and to the desire to be again. Kingdom Hearts had held that promise, and if he helped Saix, followed the plan, they would have it. Except, that didn't matter now either. The vague promise of heart. All that mattered now was getting Roxas back.

It was ridiculous.

Axel did not care about Roxas. Axel should have been able to eliminate him without hesitation, it wasn't like he could feel bad about it. But when they sent him after Roxas, Axel knew he wouldn't follow though. Bring him back, unconscious if necessary, sure, he could do that, but he didn't want to destroy Roxas. His heart wasn't in it, ok, bad turn of phrase, but there wasn't a good way to describe how he-no he didn't feel. It was hard to understand motives when you were empty, when you didn't care.

Maybe it was best to stick with needs. What Axel needed. He needed Roxas, he needed Roxas to stay with him, because Roxas was the only think that kept him from losing himself completely.

Axel remember who he used to be, Lea. Axel knew he couldn't have fallen farther. When he had a heart, he would have never have done of those horrible things. He wouldn't have been able to. As a nobody, things were simple, sum it all up to what was best for your own long term goals.

Axel was selfish, that was the nature of a Nobody. Selfishness, because when there's hardly anything left of "self" you have to be. Roxas made him feel like he was himself. Like he was something, like he had a heart.

Axel needed that feeling! And so he needed Roxas back, and nothing else mattered, especially not Roxas himself.

Axel lied frequently, he was a manipulative bastard after all, but he wasn't a very good liar. Especially when it came to lying to himself. So Axel knew he wasn't doing this out of love. He did not love Roxas, he not care about Roxas at all. He was going to find Roxas's other and rip his soul apart to get Roxas back, and he didn't care. He didn't care that he was going to make Roxas a heartless shell again, a Nobody, or that such a fate wasn't something he'd wish on anyone, even his worst enemy. He also didn't care who else he hurt along the way, or if he doomed the world, worlds plural, everything, by taking out their only hope.

Let the world burn! He didn't care, he wasn't capable. Let everyone die, it was nothing to him. The only thing that was anything was Roxas, having him, and being near him.

Because somehow being with Roxas had changed him, made him feel like he could be somebody. Even though he didn't believe in any of that. Axel didn't even really believe Kingdom Hearts could save them. Nobodies can't be Somebodies again, because there has to be some lines that once you cross there's no going back.

Except, when he was with Roxas he felt...something. Something he couldn't describe, but the fact that it was anything at all made it more than enough to go after.

So Axel had his objective: get Roxas back. He knows it's suicidal, and it can't end well for anyone. He knows that if he cared about Roxas, he would want what was best for him. He knows what he plans to do isn't out of love, it couldn't be farther from love.

Love is selfless. Love is what people with hearts can do,what Sora can and does do. Which is why going after Kairi is the most logical step, if only because Riku's too powerful and isn't worth the risk. So, Kairi is the target of choice. Because Axel knows about love in theory.

When you love someone, you'll do anything for them, even sacrifice yourself. That's how love is, selfless to the point that you'd give everything, even your life, for the person you love. That's what Axel's hoping for, let Sora die for Kairi, let Sora throw himself into the darkness so he'll die and Roxas will be reborn. Axel knows he could never do a think like that, because that would require caring.

If Axel could care, he probably wouldn't be doing this. If he could care, he might love Roxas, at least enough to let him go. But Axel can't, he can't let Roxas go anymore than he could love him. Love is something you need to do with all of your being, and he doesn't have a being to give for Roxas. So it doesn't matter, and he doesn't care.

Roxas once asked him about love, and since then Axel's figured something out. Some people talk about love as finding your other half, like the best friend charms, two pieces fitting together, forming a whole heart. Love isn't like that though. It's a heart, whole all by itself, being given to another, shared, so that both hearts grow. Like two small flames merging to create a bigger blaze.

Maybe Roxas had a heart after all, and maybe he actually loved Axel. Poor Roxas, if that was the case, because Axel knows he isn't worth it. Love is about giving, Axel has nothing to give, so all he can do is take. But maybe Roxas was giving, sharing the heart he somehow had, and Axel heavily suspects that Roxas had a heart. Axel knew there was something different about him, after all. Roxas genuinely cared about others, he'd been worried when he thought Axel had been eliminated with the others at Castle Oblivion, and the way he acted. Roxas cared, Roxas felt, Roxas wasn't like any Nobody could or should be. So if Roxas did have a heart, maybe this, this feeling Axel had when he was with Roxas was because of that. Because Roxas was sharing his heart with him, because Roxas loved him.

All the same, Axel knows he doesn't have a heart, even if Roxas makes him almost feel like he does. The truth is, Axel is empty inside, and has nothing to share. Nothing to bond him to Roxas. Nothing to give him a reason to care. And he doesn't, which is why he's going to feed Sora to the darkness and rip Roxas's shared soul appart. Because he doesn't care, and that inability to feel makes him able to do anything to satisfy his own selfish needs. It's the opposite of love, but what can you expect from a Nobody?

But why go through the trouble if he doesn't care? How can his need be this great if can't feel? Why risk his existence for another moment with Roxas? Maybe it's just chasing the ghost of a feeling. When all you've got is nothing, even the glimmer of a feeling can seem like everything. So here he goes, selfishness personified, because that's all it can be, all he's capable of. It's not about Roxas, it's about himself, looking out for number one, as always. Maybe, despite the feeling, Roxas hasn't changed him one bit after all, because he's still not willing to give anything. It's all take, that sums up the relationship.

And even though nothing really makes sense anymore, about one thing Axel is absolutely sure.

He does not love Roxas.