A/N: I've gone back and updated the prologue so if you read the first draft of the prologue before today (Dec. 13th) you should re-read it, otherwise you'll be confused. Huge thanks to Wandering Quill and hopefulreader for giving me super helpful advice! You guys rock. I am so excited to get into the meat of this story! It's gonna be really fun.

Milton proved to be a very strange place. First of all, the entire campus was enclosed by this ornate fence that stretched on forever on every side and only had two gates allowing people in or out. I almost felt claustrophobic thinking about it. Secondly, the students didn't really look or act differently than public school kids as far as I could tell. The only difference was the uniforms. And lastly, the Headmaster was very weird.

I was sitting in a surprisingly uncomfortable leather armchair in front of Headmaster Weselton's glossy desk. It was obvious that he wore a toupee and his beady eyes were staring at me through rounded Harry Potter glasses and down a long nose. His small stature tipped me off that he was probably sitting on more than one pillow so as to tower over his visitors in an intimidating fashion.

The first thing he had done when I walked in was accuse me of tracking in mud on my shoes even though it hadn't rained for a month.

And then he butchered the pronunciation of my name. Well, my brother's name. It doesn't rhyme with pans. Just sayin'.

Oh yeah… you're probably wondering why I'm in the office of Milton's Headmaster and why he's calling me Hans. I skipped a bit of important stuff.

So I spent the entire weekend avoiding Mom (which was harder than you'd think) and putting my plan into motion.

What was my brilliant Immaculate Conception Idea (ICI), you ask? So you know how Hans asked me to call Milton and tell them that he had appendicitis and wouldn't be back for two weeks? Well, I called my school and told them that I had appendicitis and would be out sick for several days. Then, I told Mom that I would be staying at my friend Rapunzel's for the first week (because of a school project I made up - genius, right?) and then at Dad's for the second week. I was not the only one who could impersonate their mom - Punz was awesome at it too and assured me she would make up a good alibi for me if Mom called to check up. Plus Mom refuses to talk to Dad ever so she'd never call over there and that just takes care of itself.

I became a boy over the weekend. No big deal.

My friend Olaf helped a lot with my transformation. I'm not sure if I should be scared by his enthusiastic reaction to the ICI or what but he was at my front door within minutes of me calling to ask him for help.

We spent all of Friday night raiding Hans' room for clothes that were small enough to fit me. We found a few musky gems in the very back of his closet, shirts that he probably hadn't worn since 6th grade. They fit me pretty well after the binding. Which hurt a lot, by the way, but you gotta do what you gotta do. My ladies will just have to deal with it.

Then on Saturday, Olaf, Rapunzel, and I went wig shopping and it was probably a lot more fun than it should have been. I now have a whole album on my phone with twenty or so different hairstyles on mine and my friends' craniums. But yes we did finally find the perfect Hans wig. Olaf even came over giggling and holding two fake sideburns that would match my brother's, but I refused because they literally looked like pubes. Those were not going on my face.

"But you still look so girly," Olaf argued, holding the atrocious facial hair pieces up to my jawline. "Your features are too soft!"

I pushed him away, shuddering. "I'm not wearing those, Olaf!"

Rapunzel was staring at me, sucking on an end of long, blonde hair in deep concentration.

"I think it's the freckles. And the bone structure," she concluded.

"Foundation does wonders," I told her, still dodging a giggling Olaf and his gross sideburns.

"But there's nothing I can do about my bones."

"Plastic surgery?" suggested Olaf, finally tossing the sideburns on a table. I bopped him on the top of the head and went to check out. I had to convince the cashier that it was a wig for a very, very, very early Halloween party (Punz and Olaf wouldn't let that one go for the rest of the day).

Sunday turned into an absolutely abysmal game of avoiding Mom and sidestepping questions about Hans. I did, however, find an old Milton guidebook as I was hiding from her in the attic and it had a map of the campus and everything. Even though it was pretty aged, I figured it was still probably mostly accurate. Then Olaf came over again to go over some last-minute ICI things (Punz had an art project to finish and couldn't be there for the big send-off).

When I had finally crawled in bed that night and was beaming proudly up at my collection of badass lady posters, I thought the starting line for the ICI was clear. Oh, how wrong I was...

The first complication arose this morning when I was leaving the house for Milton. I had my wig secured and my uniform in prime condition. Thankfully Mom had already gone to work so I had full run of the house and I had used my freedom to have a pump-me-up dance party (naturally).

Anyway, as I was closing the door I heard someone open the gate behind me and I froze on the doormat when the voice washed over me.

"Hans! We need to talk!"

I knew immediately that it was Ingrid. Just my luck!

I panicked, covering my face with my suitcase and adopting a deep grunt-y voice. "I can't talk right now, Ingrid. I have to go to school." I cringed; Olaf and I had worked on the boy voice for hours yesterday and I was already screwing it up.

"Your voice sounds different. Are you sick?"

"Yes. No. Maybe!" I heard her come closer and I stepped around her, hands still holding the suitcase before my face like a shield.

"Why do you always avoid me?" she pouted and I felt her tug on my sleeve. I jumped, not realizing she was so close.

I made a rambling beeline for the gate and I could hear Ingrid right behind me. She wasn't going to leave me alone. What was I supposed to do? I did the only thing I could think of.

Stopping right at the gate, I held a hand out behind me and in a slightly more decent boy voice grunted, "This needs to end, Ingrid. You're crazy and I need a new start." That's something Hans would say, right?

"Hans, you are not breaking up with me! I wouldn't let you the three times before and I won't let you now!"

I'm not sure what I was expecting but this was not it. He'd tried breaking up with her before? She's more off the handle than I had anticipated.

"No, Ingrid! This is it, this is the end, I'm letting you go!" I felt like I was in a soap opera.

"You can't let me go if I hold onto you!"

And she did just that, grabbing my forearms and pinning me to the fence with her body. I felt her breasts pushing into my back and blushed involuntarily.

Hope she doesn't come around, he said. My brother is the least helpful person on the planet.

After a moment of struggle I managed to unsecure the gate and we both toppled through it and onto the ground. I took TaeKwonDo when I was younger so I had enough sense to roll away from her and spring back up to my feet before she even knew what had happened. I was halfway to the the bus stop a block away when I heard her giving chase and angrily calling my brother's name. This chick just won't let up! This explained why she had stopped coming around so often and Hans was embarrassed to mention her.

I made it just in time; the bus door closed behind me and I collapsed on the steps next to the driver as he pulled away from the curb. Ingrid was running alongside the accelerating bus, shouting obscenities, and was soon left behind.

"You can't sit there," said the driver, looking down a long nose at me. I looked back up at him, panting and sweaty. "Yeah, sorry…."

I stood and began to move away but he continued, "Was that an ex-girlfriend of yours, son?"

"What?" I said in my normal voice, then I remembered who I was trying to impersonate and cleared my throat ostentatiously. "Oh, yeah. Crazy ex. Broke up with her weeks ago and she can't let it go. Women."

The bus driver laughed. "Ain't it the truth!"

I went off to find a seat, inwardly cringing at this stereotypically sexist straight-boy mentality I had suddenly adopted.

I collapsed, relieved, on a back seat. Well. That was that. Now Ingrid would be out of the way and honestly Hans should just thank me for taking care of his problems for him. He's so lucky I love him.

Catching the stop for Milton wasn't a challenge in the least. We drove past the gates every time we were being shuttled to Dad's. Mom would smile proudly as we passed and tell us one of the five stories she knows about Grandpa's or our Uncle's time there, which as I'm sure you guessed got old really fast.

So I arrived at Milton pretending to be my brother and I found my way to the Headmaster's office to get my room assignment and the opening "Milton is the Best And You're Lucky to Be Here" speech. I wasn't disappointed.

"Milton's reputation for educational excellence is not without merit," Weselton began in a considerably pompous manner. He continued but I ended up zoning out for most of it and made sure to nod at appropriate times. I was too busy being excited to get started on the schoolwork and showing Mom how easy it would come for me and how I was just as smart and worthy of praise as Hans. I can totally do this.

Ten gruelling minutes later and Weselton was finally wrapping it up. He was man of many flourishes of the hand and false endings. There were more than a few times during his droning speech where I thought he was about to come to a conclusion and I sat in my chair in anticipation - only to have him continue on another track and let me slip back into another stupor.

"...as I'm sure you'll be another example of the perfect Milton student."

At this, he peered at me through those spectacles expectantly, as though wanting me to respond.

I opened my mouth hurriedly but the Headmaster immediately cut in. "Here is your room key. Do you need me to escort you there? I was a top-notch tour guide in my college days! Swept the floor during orientation! Not literally, of course." He chuckled wheezily and nudged me with his elbow. I clutched my suitcase tighter to my chest, suddenly scared for the second time that day that I might be caught before I'd even started.

"Uh… no thanks," I said, feeling stifled in his presence. "I can find it myself."

"Then off you go, lad. I'm sure you'll find Milton the epitome of higher learning."

"Yeah," I grunted, "Thanks!" And I scurried away in the most manly fashion I could muster.

I couldn't help but smile as I exited the Headmaster's building. I stopped at the top of the steps and inhaled, taking in the blue sky and green-

The door to the building behind me suddenly opened again and since I hadn't taken any steps away from it because of my distraction, it smacked me in the middle of my back. I lost my balance and flew forward toward the now-intimidating staircase below me. Panicked, I threw my suitcase at the point of impact. Luckily, I landed heavily on it. Unluckily, it then began sliding mercilessly down the steps. I was taken with it, my screams broken by each thump of the suitcase hitting a step. Gravity made me and my suitcase slide increasingly faster the farther down we went and soon I had hit the bottom, flown across the walkway below, and closed my eyes just before slamming straight into a tree.

For a minute or so I couldn't comprehend what exactly had happened. I could hear footsteps and a voice but I didn't really register my surroundings until I realized there was a pair of lacy pink panties hanging from a branch right above me.

"Oh my God!" I squealed, sitting up with a lurch. It hurt - I must have hit my head on something - I was a bit dizzy. But not dizzy enough to ignore the fact that my suitcase had burst open and strewn my (very girly) belongings all over the place.

The worst part of it was that there was a guy standing over me - a student, I assumed because he wore the Milton uniform. He was tall and blonde and was laughing.

I could have just died and he was laughing at me.

I tried not to let it matter though, as I stood unsteadily and shook myself.

"Are you okay?" asked the guy through his chuckles. I brushed weeds from my pants - they were already grass-stained, great. I ignored him and scrambled around chucking my stuff back in the suitcase.

"Dude, that was seriously the best movie-moment-in-real-life I've ever seen. I wish I could have got it on video. It would have gotten like a million views on YouTube."

I summoned all the manliness I possessed and glared him in the eye. I expected him to shrink back or at least stop laughing but if anything this seemed to amuse him more.

"Maybe you should watch where you're going," I said in my boy grunt.

"How could I have know someone would be standing at the top step? No one ever does that. Are you new or something?"

"What's it to you?"

He only laughed again. I finished gathering my things and sat on the suitcase (it was now dented from the fall) to zip it.

"Hey, you forgot one."

I looked up and sure enough, there were those pink panties being held out to me by a smirking blondie.

"That's my sister's," was the first explanation I could think of, grabbing them from him and blushing. Dammit. "No idea how they got in here."

"Sure," he said, winking. "Ladies man, I can tell."

"They're my sister's!" I said, stuffing the panties as deep into my suitcase as possible. He studied me for another moment.

"You seem like you need help. Do you need help?"

"No, I'm fine by myself, thanks," I said petulantly, picking up my suitcase without zipping it and stalking away.

"Come on, newbie. First day?"

"Nope." I was still dizzy and the suitcase felt heavier when I carried it unzipped, trying to balance it so that nothing else fell out.

"Yes it is, I can tell. Dude, I'm just being friendly. Some people on this campus are not like me at all."

"Dude," I said, mockingly. "I've got this."

"Whoa okay, okay," he said, stopping in his pursuit of me. "Just thought I'd offer some help after almost killing you."

At least he admits it.

"Naw, man, I'm good," I said as another pair of lacy panties dropped out of my suitcase like the traitor they were.

"I suppose that's your sister's too?" said the guy, bending over and plucking it off the ground. He smirking as he tossed it on top of my head, then turned to walk away, leaving me fuming.

"I'll see you around, Ladies' Man!"

In my anger, I threw my suitcase back on the ground, letting all the incriminating objects spill out and sweeping the panties off of my head with a snarl. A passing couple glanced over at my tantrum curiously.

It took me a solid half-hour to recollect my stuff and my temper. It took me another half-hour to find my room. The hall it was in happened to be of course at the opposite end of the campus from the Headmaster's building. Thank God I didn't have to wear makeup to crossdress because I was sweating so much by the time I stopped outside of my room that it would have all melted off.

I leaned, panting, against the door and fumbled with the key. The person inside must have heard because the door was pulled open before I could even hope of turning the key in the lock.

The person inside was the last person I wanted to see.

"Hey, Ladies' Man. Took you long enough."