Tattoos and Tears
Chapter 2: Give and Take
I track a deer for a few days, the walkers as the new group had come to call them, roaming the woods with me. Every time I come close to putting a bolt through my prey, a walker scares it off. I had already killed a few squirrels, but I wasn't coming back without that deer.
I load my crossbow again, taking out my anger on the walkers around me. My bolt hits the female corpse beside me, pinning her to a tree.
"Fuck." I have to give the bolt a few tugs before I free it, another walker coming up behind me.
This new world was all wrong, it was a world I remembered all too well from my childhood. Hurt, anger, death and pain, that's all it held for me then and now. The love that I once had, that once filled my heart was as dim and dark as an eclipse looming over the sun.
I was grateful for the time alone, the time away from people. It gives me a chance to clear my mind, to not think about anything but the hunt. Seeing the people back at camp with their families, remembering what I had lost, it was all too much.
Merle had told me to do what needed to be done and trust in him to keep us safe. He told me before I left on my hunting trip that this is what B.J. wanted, for him and me to survive. I knew he was wrong, she wouldn't want me to survive by doing wrong to others, but I was surviving.
Clearing my thoughts again, I set my sights back into finding that deer and getting some dinner for everyone.
The deer stops to eat some acorns on the forest floor, its ears twitching. I take aim, hitting it in the left flank. As I move to load my crossbow again, I watch the deer take off.
"Som'bitch!" Hosting my rope full of squirrels up on my shoulder, I take off after it, tracking it back toward the quarry.
Growls and grunts come from every side as I track the deer back, blood trickling from its wound. I follow the blood splatter, broken leaves and roof prints till I come upon a clearing near the campsite.
I can hear voices; screams out ahead of me, making me believe the maybe somebody from the camp had found my kill.
Walking out of the woods, I see some familiar faces and one I don't know standing around my deer as a walker feeds from it.
I come face to face with Shane, the camp leader. He was a bossy, pushy asshole and I didn't much care for him or his fucking rules.
The deer had been mangled, gnawed on by the walker. My anger gets the best of me as I kick the beheaded corpse over and over, shouting out a few colorful words as I do so.
Dale tells me to calm down, which does nothing for my mood. Only B.J. could have calmed me down when I got this pissed, but she wasn't here anymore.
The squirrels on my shoulder would have to do, but I was really hoping for some venison tonight.
After demonstrating the proper way to take down a walker, I look at the new guy and give him a quick once over. "Come on people, what the hell? It's gotta be the brain. Don't y'all know nothin?"
Making my way back into camp I immediately start looking for Merle. I wasn't sure where he was or what happen on the run to Atlanta, but knowing my big brother he was causing trouble.
Deputy know-it-all tells me he wants to talk, I have a bad feeling about the look on his face and the way he's talking to me.
He tells me there was a problem with the run to Atlanta, when this new guy tells me Merle was a problem and he handcuffed him to a roof.
After asking him how the hell he was, he tells me Rick Grimes.
Rick Grimes looks at me, telling me he's left my brother upon some roof, possibly to die. I try to process what they're saying, knowing if Merle is gone, then I've lost everything.
I can feel my anger building, the bitter pain in my heart returning as it overflows. Tossing my squirrels at Rick, I lunge at him only to have Shane knock me down. Pulling my knife, I come at them. I really had nothing left to live for and if Merle is gone because of this asshole, he was going down too.
After we have a scuffle, Rick explains to me why he handcuffed Merle to the roof. T-Dog tells me it wasn't all Rick's fault, that he dropped the keys to the cuffs down a drain.
Fighting back my tears, I try to remember my promise to my girl, to both my girls.
Rick tells me he wants to go back for Merle, he seemed like the kind of man I would have been friends with in my old life on the farm.
As I prepare to go back for my brother, I have to sit there and listen to all of them talk about Merle as if he's no better than shit on the bottom of their shoes. He may not be the friendliest or very likeable, but he is my brother and I would get him back.
I jump in the back of the supply van they brought back with them, my patience wearing thin.
The ride back into the city seems like it takes forever. Since the night I lost my world, I do my best to stay busy so not to think of Bobbi Jo or Beryl. Once again, I'm faced with losing another part of myself.
We park on some railroad tracks, walking back to the building. I keep telling myself over and over that Merle's okay, hoping I'm not wrong.
Making our way back into the department store, Rick spots a walker and I take her out.
We make our way back up to the roof, my feet taking the steps two at a time. Merle was my only link to the life I knew and that bastard best be alive.
T-Dog cuts the chains on the door with some bolt cutters and I push my way past them all, screaming Merle's name as I run onto the rooftop.
Instead of my brother, I find a bloody hatch saw and his hand lying on the roof. I scream no, over and over as I look at the bloody mess before me. In the two months since the world had gone to shit, I had managed to lose every single member of my family. I had been clinging to Merle with everything in me, hoping with him by my side, I could at least make it one more day.
Beryl had started to talk more, asking me about her Daddy every single day. I try to explain to her that Sam is still off looking for them, hoping this appeases her.
Ally and I become fast friends, her hope that things will get better almost contagious. I pray that she's right, but in the back of my mind I knew better. This world that had developed from the hell that had erupted was not a good place, the living were just as bad as the walking corpses that wanted to feed on you.
Hershel's oldest daughter Maggie comes by to check on us, to see if we need anything. Adam reassures her we're fine, giving her some of the medication he'd managed to get from the vet clinic.
She sets on the porch with me and Ally, her smile reminding me of Diane's. "I'm glad you made it out here, glad you and yer little girl are safe. I'm really sorry about yer family; I couldn't imagine losing my father that way."
I smile at her, Beryl playing beside me with Abby and Aaron. "Thanks Maggie, I'm glad your family is okay too. I'm sorry to hear about Adam's sister, that she's sick. If there is anything you need, let us know. I want to help out, do my part."
She smiles over to Ally, as if they had a secret between them. Adam comes back out, a bag full of medical supplies. "Tell Hershel I can try to make another run to the clinic."
Ally's face goes pale; Adam places his hand on her shoulder. "No, we're good. Thanks Adam."
Maggie mounts her horse and is gone, Adam watching protectively as she leaves. He sits down beside his wife when Maggie is out of sight, taking her hand.
I look over to him, seeing the worry in his eyes. "Adam, its bad out there … ain't it?"
"Yeah, it is, real bad. The last time I went out I almost got bit and if that wasn't bad enough, there was two rough looking men waiting on the outside. They took most of the medication I'd managed to get, they meant to shoot me and leave me for dead. If it hadn't been for Otis, they would have. He picked up an oxygen tank and bashed the guy's head in."
He goes on to tell me about all the people at Hershel's farm. I had met Maggie, Beth, Shawn and Annette but I didn't know Patricia and Otis. They way Adam describes them makes me miss my old life, the family I no longer had.
I'm standing at the kitchen sink doing the supper dishes when I feel a flutter in my belly. I drop the plate back into the water, my hands going to abdomen.
Tears spring in my eyes when I feel the small movement from inside, my heart aching for my baby's father. I had prayed for this day for months and here it was, but not like I planned.
Wiping my hands on my jeans, I walk out to the porch and over to the banisters. Ally walks in with the wash, Abby and Beryl in tow. "You okay?"
"No … but I will be." She pats my shoulder, Beryl reaching up for me.
"Mommy … is Sam-Sam coming back?" I hold her tight, kissing her tiny face over and over.
Before I can break her heart and tell her no, I see a truck coming up the hill. "Sam?"
I place her down, telling her to stay. My feet take flight, moving me towards the speeding vehicle. "Sam!"
The dark pickup pulls up to the house, Sam exiting the truck and wrapping his arms around me. "God girl, you are a sight for sore eyes."
I hold him back, so glad to have him with me again. "Did you find them?"
"No, I didn't … sorry. It's fucking crazy out there and if Merle and Daryl are still together, I'm sure they're okay." I release him, my tears rolling down my face.
"I see. Well, I'm goin lookin for him then." I turn away from him, his hand catching mine.
"Like hell you are. You owe it to that little girl there to keep yourself safe. I'll go back out in a few days, see if they might have taken up with a group or something." His gray eyes burrow a hole into my heart, his hand holding mine tight.
I drop my head, wiping my tears with my free hand. "Okay, but I ain't givin up on him … not now."
We walk back to the house, Sam giving me strange glances. "Why is now any different from when I left?"
Running my hand over my belly, I grin back at him. "Cause now I'm gonna have Daryl's baby."
He stops, his hand dropping mine. "You're not shitting me are you?"
I shake my head, a sadness mingled with my happiness. "Nope, about four months best Adam can figure."
"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." Sam looks back at me completely dumbfounded, his large hand running through his shoulder length graying hair.
"Well, if you ask me, the Lord has really shitty timing." I give him a quick smile, before walking back towards my daughter.
Closing my eyes, I can see Daryl's smiling face. His ocean blue eyes shimmering like gentle pools of water after the rain. In my heart I feel my darkness lift, but only slightly. The burden in my heart is still crushing down on me, my arms still aching to hold the one thing that I can't have.