Chapter 2:

I noticed he was wearing dress clothes only when I spilled flour on him. I had never been one for keeping it tidy while I cooked. After all, with cooking you could always clean afterwards. I felt my jaw drop as his eyes grew in anger.

"I'm so sorry…" I said, but I couldn't stop my laugher in gaps at the look I pictured on his face. He seemed shocked, but at my laugher he relax and I even thought that I heard a small chuckle come from his throat.

I went toward him with a wet washcloth, though he jumped as the cloth contacted with his dark suit.

I laughed again, and without my breath I managed to lean on the counter, trying to stay on two feet. Erik was laugh as well. I stood and tried to retain my balance. It didn't work, and I fell over into Erik and knocked us both over.

I bet you're wondering if you woke today

Just to learn why the caged bird sings

It had been at least two and a half hours since we started making the brownies. I never expected that it would be practically suicide to try and bake those things. The first batch hadn't tasted like brownies at all, and I had to apologize twenty times for ruining his first taste at such a treat. I knew he would never think of brownies the same again. I knew I wouldn't.

We were lying on the ground, and Erik was trying to hold in his small chuckles. I didn't bother. My obnoxious giggle fit was widespread, but I knew it was all right. I felt sorry for the man I'd eventually marry. After all, dealing with this. They would have to really have a strong backbone.

I bet you're wondering if the goddesses

Are all crazy

Or just keeping it interesting

After a few minutes, I tried to calm my giggles. I sat up slowly. "I'm sorry." I managed to mumble between deep breaths.

Erik sat up just as slowly, and he started at me, never losing the uncomfortable feeling he spread around the room. Throughout the laughing it was gone, though. Perhaps he couldn't hold onto it while that went on.

"I was never very good at cooking." I laughed. "Sorry about your first batch of brownies."

"For the sixth time," Erik said coolly, "It's alright. Besides, I told you. I was never one that ate food because I enjoyed it."

"Well that's no fun." I answered, getting to my feet.

Star rounded the corner and began licking spilt sugar on the floor. I chewed on my bottom lip while looked at her skeptically.

"You have such a sweet tooth." I told the cat, scooping her in my hands. She squirmed and tried to get back to the sugar. I wouldn't let her and I put her in the next room. She gave me the sad eyes and licked her paw at me, as if to try and persuade me. I laughed. "Has that ever worked dear?" She scoffed and walked away from me. She was smarter than trying to persuade me to her wishes.

Situated slightly outside society

At odds with its odd offerings

When I walked back into the kitchen Erik was handling the tray of brownies from straight out of the oven. He put it down on the stove without even a wince. I walked over to him. He looked at me and seemed to smile slightly at the smell of the brownies. I chose to ignore the pain that his hand must be feeling. After all, it was his bright idea to take it from the oven without anything to handle the pan.

I inhaled the smell from the pan. A smile lit up my face.

"Finally! It smells like brownies!" I sighed a big sigh of relief.

He tried to pick up a piece but I slapped his hand away. "You need to let it cool first!" He sighed.

"You were the one that wanted me to eat it, Mademoiselle."

"Claire." I corrected him, and he looked at me with surprise.

"We don't know each other well enough." He protested.

"You're in my home with me." I stated firmly. "It's fine if you call me Claire."

He nodded slowly, as if he did accept it. Still, the logic couldn't be undone.

I walked over to the windowsill and I sat down on the ledge. The sun was still out, but it seemed as if the sun would sink beneath the city in about half an hour.

"What do you do, Erik?" I asked, looking at him as he stood awkwardly in the center of the floor. I pushed the wooden chair out with my toes and gestured for him to sit down. He did so slowly, looking like I would trap him.

"I'm an architect… and a musician." He stated, obviously not wanting to get into his life with me. I wondered about this. Perhaps he was hiding something.

"Ah, really?" I said, my own eyes lighting up. "A composer?"

"Yes."

"Yeah," I said with a small smirk, "You look weird enough to be one."

I bet you're teetering on the edge of sobriety

Just to alleviate a few things

"Excuse me?" He stiffened at my response and looked at me with anger. "And I suppose you have some better career?" His eyes radiated fury.

"Excuse me! You're my guest." I said, the same fury covering my own eyes. "And I'm a musician too." I stated, pulling my legs up around me to act as a second skin… maybe a cage of some sort. "But I only sing, dance, and act."

Curiosity filled his eyes. "You're a singer? Perhaps you'd like to sing something for me."

I laughed at him and pulled my legs closer. The hair on my legs got caught in my jeans and I had to stop myself from wincing.

"Maybe after I see you a couple more times." I said, again shocked with what I said.

"You wish to see me again?" He sounded completely knocked away by this comment. I shrugged. Why not? I hadn't been out of the apartment in at least a year with someone else. Why not send myself out on the balance beam again?

Like the fear that you're standing here

Because you want to be liked

"Why don't we do something tomorrow?" I offered, waiting for my offer to be refused.

I'd been seen with worse than someone who walked around in a mask. I looked out the glass awaiting the answer. I didn't want to see what he had to say. I could manage hearing it. How low does it go, Claire? Do you get rejected by a man that may belong in a mental institution?

Like you know you need your instrument

But does your instrument need to be mic'd

"What do you have in mind, Mada- Claire?" He asked, and I felt his eyes scanning over me for some sort of trick. Why did he think I was out to get him?

"Maybe just dinner- as friends?" I suggested, biting my tongue after I said anything. Perhaps I could swallow my tongue and I wouldn't say anything.

"You'd want to be seen… with me?" It sounded as if he was processing something.

"Hey if you don't want to…" I started, but his eyes staring at me stopped my words from leaving my throat. His eyes were shining in the darkness, and I briefly wondered why.

"It would be my pleasure." He answered, and I could swear it sounded as if a smile were tugging at his lips.

I smiled myself. I smelled the air. "Brownies are ready." I said, jumping off of the counter. I took a knife to the brown slab. I pulled out the first piece and gave it to Erik. "Tell me if it's alright." I strangled out, closing my eyes as he turned around. He removed the mask facing away from me and then replaced it. I wondered why he did this but before I could ask he was turning back to me. "Well?" I asked as he turned, shutting my eyes tight once again. I opened one and stared at him.

He seemed to smile. "It's wonderful." He seemed delighted.

"Even if it is food?" I teased, and I heard him laugh uncomfortably.

The sun had faded behind the city and lights from the city replaced that light.

"So are you looking for work here?" I asked, looking out at those lights.

He was silent for a moment, considering the question and all possible answers.

And you keep imagining that pretty soon

You will just disappear

"I guess so." He said, more to himself than to me. Star came around the corner again and tried to get at the sugar. I gave her a small look but she ignored it and her dark tongue came in and out of her mouth as she licked the floor where the sugar was spilled. I stood and walked to the counter. My fingers turned the hot water on and I began the task of rinsing out the sink to wash the dishes. Once it was rinsed out I plugged the drain up. The water formed a pool at the bottom with a waterfall pouring into it. The water level rose and I watched it as I gathered the dirty dishes.

I felt Erik's eyes on my back. I plunged the first dirty dish into the hot water and winced as it burned my skin. I didn't remove my hands, but began scrubbing off the dough from the brownies. He was behind me, although he hadn't moved. I knew he hadn't moved. I would have heard him come from that squeaky chair. But there he was.

His hands snaked around my right side. He would go for my neck!

He didn't. He took the dishes from her hands and moved so he could wash them himself. I felt myself smile at his kindness, but I paused for a while to see if I wasn't imagining it. My smile grew appreciative when I realized that this was really happening. I scooted out of his way and began cleaning the floors.

I got on my hands and my knees and began scrubbing the floor. We didn't need to speak. I was happy that I met him at that moment. I even imagined what could happen. I pushed the thoughts away I imagined the tile floor being a canvas I could uncover. I was scraping the floor, and my picture was sprouting to life. I pictured one more thing, and I realized I would have to paint this new image.

And thinking that one thing is what saves you from

Your fear of being here

Here for now, you're here for now, you're here for now

The whole floor was my chalkboard, and I intended to make little drawings like children did on the sidewalk. And my drawing would have graffiti on it. And I would know, this drawing was completely mine. This painting alone held all my secrets and I was ready to die for these single secrets.

A piano was playing in the background and I felt myself stand on shaky legs. The audience was surrounding me on three sides and I remembered the kind of theater from studying Shakespeare in English class. The music is steady and I say the words and notes within my head a beat before they come out of my mouth.

It was easy and my eyes were closed on stage. I was a mouse and I knew I had found the cheese. I was the only mouse that could do it, and I did. The vowels dropped out of my relaxed jaw and the air pushed out past my relaxed tongue.

I bet you're looking for the little red X

Next to the red arrow and the sign says 'you are here'

The water flowed around and around and emptied into the drain. I felt it go and I knew how out of it I looked. I shook myself out of it.

"Thank you, Erik." I said, standing to smooth out my clothes. "I appreciate your help."

I didn't answer me and for a moment I thought he had left. His next words made me a little sad. "I should leave."

I nodded. "Yes, I have work in the morning." I said, biting on my lower lip. I was a waitress a half a mile away and I actually had a shift during the day.

"Should I come back here tomorrow?" He asked uncomfortably.

"Oh, yes." I said absent-mindedly. I thought for a moment. "I get off around three. Could you come back around six thirty?"

"I'll see you then, Claire." He said, and I knew he was smiling. I lead him to the door and smile at him as he walks out. I close the door behind him and lock it.

I bet you're hoping that your heart will send up the white flag this time

Or some sign that the coast is clear

And the moment when your heart jumps in all that's happening

I walk back into the kitchen and I begin to put the now clean dishes away. I notice how perfect they are. Usually when I wash the dishes I miss something somewhere. I generally don't mind if I don't get sick. If I do, I'll clean them properly for maybe a week before it takes too long and I return to my own ways. I inspect them and smile. This Erik was a perfectionist. I sort of liked him, in his odd ways. He seemed like he would be a good friend… if he didn't kill me.

I stacked the smaller plates in the larger ones and stored them away. I pushed the flour behind old cereal. Star comes into the kitchen and is disappointed to find that the sugar is gone from the floor.

"Sorry Star." I smile softly at my companion. "It was part of my painting."

I continue with the dishes until the phone rings.

It's like the first time you felt that shock

Yes, your heart jumps in all that's happening

And I was right behind the door when you knocked

I walked over to the wall and pulled the receiver off the wall. The cord immediately wrapped around my legs. I pick up the receiver to hear yelling behind what they believed to be what I could hear. It was mom.

"Mom?" I asked into the receiver. Mother and her husband always yelled at each other. It was the way they showed affection for one another, and I guess I could understand that.

"Oh, honey." I could hear the smile in her voice. She sounded much happier than when she was with dad. I smiled at her joy. "I've been trying to call you for weeks."

I smiled. She always said that. The reality was that she only called every six months. It was her way. She would either miss me or need something. She sounded like she missed me though. She was never this happy when she needed something. I liked when she missed me. It meant that our fourteen years together meant something. I had left when I was seventeen, and the other half the time I was alone or at dad's house.

Thinking maybe I'm just standing here

Because I want to be liked

"How's it been, mom?" I asked, smiling that crooked smile that I always seemed to have. I played with the cord in between my toes.

"Oh… you know. As it always is." She laughs and I smile. She used to laugh all the time when we were all kids. "What about you? Did you get that lead?"

I sighed. I'm glad she remembered.

"No. Laura got it." I smiled. "I'm in the chorus."

"You'll do it someday, honey." Her voice was supposed to give me comfort. That pain was deep though. This lead had meant my younger days to me. It seems silly, but I felt that this meant that I could finally do something. "Stop being afraid of them."

"I know, ma." I said, clutching the phone between my shoulder and my ear. I sat in the squeaky chair Erik had sat in and it gave a loud objection to my weight. "I really… I do try. Maybe I wasn't meant for this."

There was more yelling in the background and mother shouted back, the voice was ringing in my head and I shut my eyes to block out the pain that came to my eardrums.

Yes, I know I need my instrument

But does my instrument need to be mic'd

They had been married for ten years. I was in the maid of honor, being the oldest daughter. My mother was pregnant with her last daughter at that time. She had married my father when she was very young, already pregnant with me. My sisters and I had cried the entire time. I never talked to my sisters anymore…

"Dear," her voice comes back into the phone. "I have to go, your younger sister is refusing to come home. I'll call you soon. I love you." The phone made a click in my ear, and I held it for a few moments. Sally was always causing trouble. But she was eleven, and she was old for her age. Maybe it came from having a sister who was almost thirty. I sighed and hung up the phone on the wall.

"Bye mom." My eyes felt tired, but I couldn't sleep. I would paint.

I keep imagining that pretty soon

I will just disappear

The paint was being difficult in mixing, but after half an hour I got the right colors I wanted. I painted the scene I had seen on the kitchen floor. The colors swirled, and the graffiti covered the sides of the walls of the painting. The middle was lacking something, but I didn't want any letters or drawings there. It would be something special to go inside this painting… my last canvas.

And thinking that one thing is what saves me

From my fear of being here

When I finish all that I'm willing to work on I put the canvas in front of the light that will come up in the morning. I crawl to my radio and catch the end of an Ani DiFranco song. I listen to it as I fall asleep.

Here for now, I'm here for now, I'm here for now

Here for now, I'm here for now, I'm here for now