Chapter 2 ~ Stars, Tears, Feathers and Omits.
He had never been so elated to see his cluttered office before. Sighing in relief, Daniel gingerly picked himself off the cold hard floor. He had done it. He was back. The cool breeze from the AC wafted over him, making his skin goose-bump and he stared down at his naked form. 'Crap! Why didn't I think to come back in the locker room?' Quickly, he yanked a tribal mask off the wall and used it to cover his groin, and then he scanned around the room, looking for something, anything that he could wear. Many times, he had left his over shirt or jacket in here, but today it was irritatingly missing. 'There must be something here,' he thought as he continued his hunt.
Barely a minute into his search he heard the door hiss open and he froze waiting to see who it was that was about to discover him routing through his office, naked.
Leesia strode inside, her eyes down, locked on the open book in her hands. She was so absorbed she didn't notice she wasn't alone.
A barrage of thoughts and feelings swarmed in on him and he took a long moment to just watch her while he tried to sift through them. What he had discovered about her past and who she used to be, had been weighing his thoughts ever since he found out. She was the daughter of Anubis, a Goa'uld. 'Well, former.' his mind reminded him. He loathed the Goa'uld. Everything about them was corrupt and evil. From the moment the Stargate had been opened, they had been the bane of his existence. It was the Goa'uld who had kidnapped, enslaved and killed thousands upon thousands of humans throughout the galaxy. It was the Goa'uld who used and abused humans in any way they pleased. He had seen them use people as unwilling hosts, lab rats and even used innocent children as bombs, seeing them as nothing more than a means to an end. The Goa'uld had brainwashed, corrupted and manipulated people he cared about deeply, as well as countless more. It was a Goa'uld that had stolen Sha're from him, another than had infiltrated her body, subsequently ending her life and the life he had known and loved. He himself had been tortured by different Goa'uld's more times than he cared to count, and there were others who had suffered far worse by their hands. It had been a Goa'uld (in the body of his former lover no less) that had infiltrated his dreams and manipulated his mind.
He despised them all, each and every one of them, and everything about them.
And now he found out that he was married to one.
'Former!' he reminded himself again, more forcefully. He couldn't help but wonder if he would think of her any differently now that he knew. Would he feel differently towards her? Would he see her as something other than the woman he had fallen in love with?
A movement in the doorway caught his attention.
Looking every bit like a sentry on guard duty, Teal's stood in the hallway, just outside the office. His legs slightly parted, arms clasped behind his back. Daniel blushed under the Jaffa's penetrating gaze and subconsciously tightened his hold on the mask hiding his nudity.
Meeting Daniel's eyes, Teal'c gave a knowing smile, and then closed his eyes briefly as he gave a single nod in Daniel's direction. Silently, he turned and walked away, leaving the couple in privacy.
Grateful, for his friend's unspoken comprehension, Daniel turned his attention back to the conundrum of the woman before him. She still hadn't noticed that she wasn't alone. He saw her gently raise her hand to her throat, searching for something hidden beneath the collar of… 'Is that my shirt?' With her focus still locked on the book, she pulled out a thin chain from beneath the material, and absently started twisting something attached around her fingers. Daniel squinted, trying to see clearer without his glasses. The bracelet she had given him for his last birthday sat loosely on her wrist. He looked harder, trying to work out what it was she was fiddling with.
The light from his study lamp caught the object and Daniel saw a bright orange glint flash in the light.
A smiled pulled at his lips as he realised it was his wedding ring.
She had swaddled herself in reminders of him. His shirt, his bracelet, his ring…his watch also he realised, seeing it was the only thing holding the loose fitting bracelet on her delicate wrist. A speeded scan of the shelves around them, seeing most books incorrectly filed, told him that she had spent a lot of time in this office. In his office. He didn't need to be a genius to realise that he hadn't been far from her thoughts while he had been gone.
Without even realising it, her actions had told him everything that he needed to know. She loved him. She had held onto him in every way she could. He would have done the same thing in her shoes. Because he loved her too.
Softly, Daniel cleared his throat, to get her attention.
All the air was knocked out of his lungs as Leesia threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around him.
His heart swelled as he felt her tingles surge into him. Tingles that only existed between them due to their mutual past ascension. An ascension she wouldn't have been able to achieve had she not been so pure in spirit.
The mask clattered to the floor by their feet as he followed suit, pulling her tighter to his chest.
"I missed you too," he whispered, chuckling with relief, as he planted a kiss on the base of her neck and took a big lungful of the scent of her hair.
"I was so worried." Her voice was muffled against chest.
"I said I'd be back," he reminded her, leaving a second gentle kiss on her shoulder. "Two strikes and I'm out, remember?"
She clung to him tightly, "You're safe."
"I'm safe," he confirmed.
"And you are well?"
He nodded against her shoulder. "I'm fine."
"The Others, they did not penalize you?"
Confused by her question and her tone of surprised relief, Daniel frowned. "No, why would they?"
When she pulling back so she could look him over, there were tears of joy collecting in her eyes. She raised her hand to trace over his face and he smiled at the touch.
Then, she slapped him.
He rolled his jaw, his left cheek stinging hotly. "O - kay?…Ow!" Daniel said, more out of shock than actual pain. He kept his head turned to the side and peeked at her warily, out of the corner of his eye.
The expression she wore kept shifting, joy, anger, relief, back to anger, as if she couldn't decided how she felt. "I have been so …beyond worried!" she only just managed to choke out, her tone shifting to furious, as the tears made their escape.
"But that's over now. I'm back," he pointed out, doing his best to keep his voice gentle.
Her eyes narrowed, causing more tears to spill. "Do not diminish this! I will not abide with you endangering something as precious as your life."
"It was worth the risk," he argued. He knew it was a mistake the moment he said it. When her lips thinned, Daniel flinched and closed his eyes, expecting another slap. However when he felt her skin make contact with his, it was a soft gentle caress. Her fingertips, cool on his overheated cheek. "To you maybe, however to your friends and I nothing is worth the risk of losing you. They each tried to hide it from me, but I know they were just as troubled by what happened as I was. Did you not think to inform us all that you were alright and confirm that
you would be coming back?"
Suitably chastised, Daniel drooped his head. "I'm sorry," he muttered sincerely. "I didn't mean to hurt you. But, I was…busy." It sounded like a lame excuse and he knew it, so he quickly carried on before she could continue her verbal assault...or slap him again. "Anubis had to be stopped and I had a chance to do just that. I couldn't come back until I knew that he was gone for good."
"I take it that this mean you were successful."
Daniel nodded. "Yes…He's dead, Lees. He can't hurt you anymore." He realized that she didn't remember the pain Anubis had personally inflicted on her, those memories had been lost when she had become human, but he had to tell her that for his own peace of mind. And he wondered if she could find some subconscious comfort in that, he hoped she would.
"There's more?" she questioned, looking up at him knowingly.
Gently, Daniel clasped both her hands in his. His head bowed, lips tight, knowing he wasn't ready to tell her what he had been told, but equally knowing that he would have to.
"Daniel?" she asked, fearfully. "What is it?"
When he looked up at her there were tears filling his eyes. "As he died…Anubis, he…he told me…" He dropped his gaze to their hands, his throat tightening against the words. 'God, this was hard. How do you tell a mother that her child was…' He couldn't even think the word, let alone say it aloud. "Our son…he…"
She pulled her hands from his so she could touch his face. "I know." she told him, softly.
He looked up at her, in confusion. "You know?"
She nodded, biting her bottom lip as she thumbed away his tears, not caring about her own that flowed just as copiously down her face. "When we could not find him on Tararus, I deduced he was with Anubis when we -when we-" Daniel quickly pulled her into his arms, as her silent weeping suddenly turned into hysterical sobbing. "I didn't want to believe it!" she wailed.
He rocked her, as she clung to him. He tried to push aside his own sorrow, that stabbed at his heart, as he held her, running his hand lovingly up and down her quivering spine and whispering words of reassurance to her. He knew whatever he did would offer her little comfort, only time would ease her pain and that seemed impossible at the moment, but he had to try. He needed to try, because the second he stopped, the second he lost hope…then their son was truly dead.
He held his breath, jaw tense, trying to silent the sobs that, despite his best efforts, were breaking sporadically free from him. He wouldn't let her know he was crying. She had her own pain to deal with and he refused to add his on top. She had suffered enough.
Slowly, her sobs came fewer and further between, eventually interspersed with hiccups. She pulled back slightly so she could look him in the eye. "Don't," she said softly.
"I'm sorry." he choked out, attempting to steady his breathing and stem the flow of tears, which he harshly brushed from his face with the back of his free hand. He could weep when he was alone. "I'm trying."
"No, I mean stop trying. You do not have to be strong for me," she told him, her soft soulful eyes pleading. "Let us be strong for each other."
He couldn't help but be amazed she had noticed his pain despite the immensity of her own, or that he was trying to hide it. Always so in tune to his feelings, he didn't even have to say. She read him like a book and he loved her for it. "Okay." he conceded, pulling her closer so her head rested in the hollow of his throat and dropping his cheek to rest on her hair.
Silently, her tears rolled down his chest to his stomach, while his were lost in her soft hair. "I love you," she whispered to him.
"I love you also," he repeated back to her, her usual phrase. Despite her grief, she managed a tiny smile.
"Uh hmmm."
The forced cough made Daniel swivel his attention to the doorway of his office. An arm was looped around the doorframe, a bundle of olive green material dangling from its grasp.
"Danny-boy." Jack's singsong voice echoed in from the hallway, as the arm shook the offered material temptingly.
Daniel frowned, wondering just what his friend was playing at, before he realised. "Oh." He couldn't believe that he had forgotten that he was still naked after his descension.
He looked down at Leesia, his concerned eyes asking the question he couldn't find the words for.
She nodded encouragingly, taking a small step back and wiping the wetness from her face with both hands. As much as she wanted, needed to keep hold of him, she knew she wasn't the only one who had missed him and his friends needed to see that he was back and safe for themselves. She wouldn't begrudge them their time with him.
Daniel rushed over and snatched the offered clothing Jack had provided. It turned out to be a flight suit. "How long have you been there?" he asked, as he stepped into it, buttoning up all but the two topmost buttons.
"Long enough," Jack admitted, stepping inside. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop. You know, you're still down as M.I.A. I could forget-" he made speech marks with his fingers. "-To correct that paperwork 'till tomorrow. Or longer if you want to take some personal time."
Quickly, Daniel thought over Jack's offer. He didn't want quiet time, alone with his thoughts, but one look at his wife, tired, emotional and gaunt, told him that he couldn't be selfish. She needed to rest and he knew through experience that she wouldn't do that without him. "Thank you." He nodded.
"Just do me a favour before you go," Jack requested. "Stop in and see Carter. She's been worried."
As soon as the three of them got to Sam's lab, Daniel received his second breath-stopping hug of the hour.
"Hey, Sam." He smiled, returning his friends enthusiastic hug.
After a lengthy discussion about the changes that had happened while he had been away, including an introduction to his new CO and a brief talk about the findings the team that had been sent to Antarctica had made, Daniel filled SG-1 and Leesia in on everything that had happened to him while with the Ancients (although he left out what Oma had shared with him about Leesia's past. He didn't want to discuss that in front of her, she wasn't ready to know yet, not while she was still dealing with the loss of their son).
It took them longer than Daniel wanted to leave the base. They were stopped by every person they passed to welcome Daniel back and by the time they made it through the final checkpoint, he felt drained. He took her hand as they quickly jogged to his jeep, to avoid the light rain.
When they got home, the first thing Daniel noticed was the musty smell of their home. The stale air and the slight uneasiness of Leesia's movements told him she hadn't been home in a long while. "How long was I gone?" he asked, softly.
"Thirty seven days," she replied quietly, without missing a beat.
'Over a month!' Daniel thought, shocked that so much time had passed. 'And she's still counting it in days... Probably hours and minutes too,' he guessed judging by the speeded manner in which she had answered him.
"I had no idea it was that long," he admitted through a sigh, suddenly realising that her extreme reaction to his return wasn't actually extreme at all. He was positive his friends had been as supportive as possible, but for the most part, she would have been alone in her grief for their son and fretting over his return. "Had I known I would have…visited."
Even though she tried to mask it, he couldn't help but notice the anger that flashed through her eyes as she spoke. "I would have appreciated that."
When an uneasy silence fell over them, Daniel excused himself and headed for the bathroom. Although he wasn't dirty, a shower sounded perfect. He also wanted to get out of the flight suit he was wearing and into some of his own clothes...and underwear.
Normally he would have taken his time, enjoyed using his shower, his shampoo and all the comforts of home after so long away, but now he hurried, wanting to be parted from her for as little time as possible. Leesia's demeanour was causing him great concern. She mostly seemed vacant, void of any life, spark, and feelings. However, when an emotion had breached the barrier she had erected around her heart, it was intense and muddled. It was as if she had so many emotions fighting for control that she didn't know how to handle them and so she turned them off as quickly as possible. She was angry with him, that much was obviously clear, despite her efforts to try to hide it. He wished he had had the foresight to come back to her during his ascension, if only to ease her worry, but something told him that her anger wasn't solely based on his lack of a visit. He had also seen her relief now that he was back, yet he guessed it was clouded by her grief for the loss of their son.
Hurriedly, he dried himself off and padded across the hall to their bedroom. He tried to be quiet, expecting to find her curled up in bed, she was clearly as exhausted as he was, probably more so. However, he found the bedroom empty. "Lees?" he called, as he pulled on some boxers and sweats. He called again, but there was no reply.
He wandered through to the living area. Kitchen, living room and dinning area were also empty.
"Leesia?" he called around their seemingly empty home. He checked his newly built den off the dining area. It too was empty. Only one room left to be checked and he really wished she wasn't in there. With a heavy heart, he wandered slowly across the narrow hall…to the nursery.
The door was closed, so he tapped lightly on the pale wood. "Lees?" he called again, waiting for her reply…none came. He didn't want to go in, didn't want to see that freshly decorated room, dressed and ready for their baby.
He swallowed back a stubborn lump that rose in his throat and steadying himself he opened the door and took one peek inside. The scent of baby powder hit him as the door wafted open. Quickly, he scanned the room, not wanting to see the made and ready crib that would never be used. Or the piles of freshly laundered tiny outfits. Or the multi-coloured farm animals that hung from the still and silent mobile. Or the dozens of toys that waited in vain to be played with. The teddies with no charge to watch over. And all the others little bits and bobs that had held such joyous promises such a short time ago. But of course, his eyes morbidly sort out each and every one.
What he didn't spot was what he had been seeking... Leesia. She was nowhere to be found. With growing concern, he rechecked all the rooms again, calling for her all the while and was just reaching for the phone, about to call around the others and mount a search for her, when he spotted her.
She was outside of the French doors, leaning on the railing of the decking, gazing up at the lightly clouded night sky.
Leesia heard the door slide open behind her. She kept her head up, watching the stars winking down at them as the light rain spotted on her face. Silently, Daniel moved behind her, placing his hands on either side of her on the railing, effectively cloaking her with his body.
Her protector, her support. She leaned back into him.
He rested his chin lightly on her shoulder. "You're getting wet," he said softly, as if she was unaware of the light rain that showered down on the pair of them, leaving minuscule droplets in their hair.
"Yes." she replied calmly, not taking her eyes off the night sky.
"Do you want to come inside?"
"No. It feels right to be here. I do not have enough tears for him, so the stars are lending me theirs."
Stargazing had always made Daniel feel very insignificant. A tiny speck in the infinite cosmos. The feeling had heightened since he had started visiting other planets and seen for himself the troubles that others out in the galaxy faced on a daily bases. However bad things may be for him, there were other things, more important things, out there for the powers that be to concern themselves with. But Leesia had seen things differently; she had turned a natural occurrence into something that could be viewed as an act of comfort and support. As if whole galaxy was mourning with them, sending them their condolences.
"That's beautiful, love," he said, grateful for the comfort her thoughts had given him.
"Do you- do you think…Could Anubis have lied?" Her silent tears made her eyes shine as brightly as the stars above them, glistening with that faint hope Daniel knew she needed and he was so desperate to give it to her.
But he couldn't lie to her. "He was in my head at the time," he told her with a heavy heart. There was no need to say more, she would know as well as he did what that meant. They both knew how it was when two ascended being were connected in anyway, even through simple thought. It was a direct link to the others soul, or what passed as a soul in this case. Misleading someone in this form would be nearly impossible. "He was telling the truth…I could feel that much."
"So our only hope is that he was mistaken."
Daniel nodded against her shoulder. He had been thinking the same thing, it was only a tiny hope, a sliver of a possibility, but it was all they had. Oma had said that the Others had been following their son and that they had lost track of him, of course that could validate Anubis's story, but it could also explain how he could be mistaken. He wouldn't give up.
They stayed outside leaning against the railing for a long time, just watching the stars cry. Until Daniel started worrying about how getting soaked to the skin would affect Leesia's health. As relieved as he had been to see her, he couldn't help but notice how worn out she looked and her drop in weight. She was not in the best shape and getting phenomena wouldn't help. He was shielding her with his body as much as he could, but he couldn't protect her fully from the rain. As peaceful as they were finding the moment, he decided it was time to head back inside.
"Come on," he said gently, making it a request rather than an demand, wrapping his arm across her shoulders and giving her an encouraging tug in the direction of the house.
She hesitated for a second, looking up longingly at her twinkling benefactors, before moving tightly into his awaiting embrace and letting him steer her into the warmth of their home.
He led her through to the bedroom, grabbing a towel on the way, sat down on the bed and pulled her onto his lap. He used the towel to scrunch the excess water from her hair. She sat quietly, enjoying the feel of his hands in her hair and the warmth of his body. The simple act showing her all his consideration, love, the gentleness of his heart shining through his touch. She wiggled on his lap until he parted his thighs, letting her slip down between them and she pivoted slightly so she could see his face.
She reached up and cradled both his cheeks, lovingly surrounding his face in her warmth and tingles. "I am sorry," she whispered through a wavering voice. "I should not have struck you."
"Its okay." he said nuzzling into her touch. He didn't want to condone it, violence in a relationship was wrong, no matter whether it was towards a man or a woman, but the guilt she was feeling was clear in her voice. "Just don't do it again."
"I won't." she promised and gently, she pulled his head lower, towards her and did something she hadn't done since before their son was stolen from them.
She kissed him.
Daniel's heart swelled with joy as he felt her lips moving over his, gently yet with passion. It had been so long, too long since she had approached him for anything. Apart from the little subtle touches and gestures, they had hardly touched each other since their ba… since the night of their wedding. And with the exception of a head massage, all of those contacts had been instituted by him. He had kissed her many times since, but it was usually on her shoulder, neck, cheek or forehead. Now, with her lips moving an encouraging dance over his, he felt a flock of demanding butterflies explode in his stomach. Gratefully, he wrapped his arms around her and followed her lead, letting her set the pace of their kiss. He hoped it was a sign. A sign that the distance between them, that had been a constant, relentless pressure, was finally reducing. And the fear that he could lose his marriage started to recede.
All too soon, she pulled away and out of his embrace. Disappointment stabbed at him, as she rose off him, nervously tugging on her bottom lip. She began to pace the small bedroom.
"Are you okay?" Daniel asked as he watched Leesia pace, her hands twisting over each other. She paused and glanced over at him briefly before carrying on with her anxious pacing.
"Right, stupid question." Daniel nodded slowly. "Let me rephrase that. What are you thinking?"
She paused again and took a slow deep breath. Her eyes focused on her twinning fingers. "I wish to make love with you," she said hesitantly.
He hadn't been expecting that and his eyebrows jumped up his forehead, as he was stunned momentarily into silence. This was the first time she had sort him for anything physical and it was so much more than a simple kiss. A kiss that he hadn't even been expecting. She wanted intimacy, a chance to be close…and she looked scared to death about it.
"And that's made you nervous?" He realised it was another stupid question before he even finished saying it. Of course she's gonna be nervous after everything she'd been through, but it was a breakthrough. She was slowly giving him the chance to get through the barrier that she had erected over her wounded heart and he couldn't let the opportunity slip through his fingers.
She didn't answer, but started up her pacing again.
He sighed inwardly, not letting her see. He knew he had to handle things carefully and was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. He wanted her to come to him, she had never been backwards about coming forward before. In fact, now that he thought about it he couldn't remember initiating any intercourse they had had. Ever. But recently she had been so completely cut off from him, emotionally as well as physically, and he didn't want to push her into anything she wasn't ready for.
But after her third silent circuit of the bedroom, he couldn't take it anymore. Her anxiety seemed to be radiating out of her in waves. He needed to do something, anything to ease her discomfort.
Not knowing what else he could do, he stepped up and pulled her into his arms, effectively ending her nervous pacing. Was she worried about it hurting? Janet had given her a clean bill of health, she would be fine. He wouldn't have even considered the notion otherwise. But, just because she was fit physically didn't mean she was ready. "I don't want you to feel like you have to. I can wait as long as you want, as long as you need. There's no rush."
"No, it is not that Daniel." she said, gently shaking her head. "I want to." she insisted.
"Then what?" he asked. "You know I'd be gentle."
"I know." she sighed, nuzzling into his chest. "I never doubted that."
"Then what is it, Leesia?" he asked, desperate to know. She was trembling in his arms, he tightened his grip on her slightly, silently trying to offer her all the support, and comfort that he could for whatever had her so panicked.
"I do not wish to become pregnant," she said, immediately starting to tug on her lower lip with her teeth, nervously awaiting his reaction.
Daniel had to stop himself from sighing in relief, or even laughing out loud at the innocence of her confession. Of course she wouldn't want to fall pregnant again so soon, he had anticipated that and had already acquired contraceptives. He had found it so obvious in fact, that he hadn't even considered discussing it with her. That had been a mistake he now realised, but one that he could easily rectify, he just needed to discuss their options with her.
"There're precautions we can take to prevent that," he told her, moving over to the bedside draw. He reached inside, fumbling through the contents, feeling for one of the foil wrapper he knew he had left there.
When he handed a condom to her and began explaining how it worked, she studied it closely.
"So this acts as a barrier between us?" she questioned as he concluded his explanation.
"Uh hmm." Daniel nodded, kissing her shoulder. "And that stops you getting pregnant."
"Then these are unacceptable." she said firmly, handing it back to him. "I do not wish to be parted from you in anyway, especially when we are at are closest physically."
"There are other ways. There are tablets you can take every morning, shots that last a few months, among others, but these are all we have for now. We'd have to go and see Janet for anything else. We can use whatever you want, for as long as you need."
The bottom lip immediately went back between her teeth again. "No, you do not understand, Daniel. I do not want to become pregnant…ever again."
Suddenly her nervousness made perfect sense to him as the realisation of what she was trying to say hit him. She was not scared of being intimate with him; she was scared of his reaction to her refusal to have his child. He didn't know how he felt about that, he hadn't even considered having another child. They had been through so much recently, more than anyone should ever go through, and a decision like that couldn't be made hastily. It couldn't be made until both of them were thinking clearly.
She must have seen where his thoughts were leading him because she quickly spoke up. "I will not change my mind, Daniel."
He doubted that. She had made a rushed decision, without discussion, and she would most likely feel differently when her grief wasn't as raw. Nevertheless, tonight was a breakthrough, she was telling him how she felt and he wouldn't let this honesty go to waste, or let it lead to an argument. "Okay, I understand." he soothed quickly.
"You do?" She gazed up at him, her eyes twinkling with hope.
"Of course."
…
"So she was a Goa'uld and then she was ascended and now she's human?" Jack said, flapping his hand back and forth for each point, from his new position at the head of the briefing table. The four members of his flagship team sat alongside him, Daniel then Mitchell to his right, Sam and Teal'c to his left.
Daniel sighed. "Yes, Jack, once again you've managed to concentrate a complex thought into the most simplistic form possible," he said irritably. He had spent a great deal of time explaining what he had learned about Leesia's past from Oma and here Jack was reducing his carefully worded and well thought out lecture into one sentence.
"She doesn't remember any of this?" Sam asked.
Daniel shook his head.
"And you haven't told her?" Sam questioned, sounding a little surprised and more than a little disapproving.
Again, Daniel shook his head. "I can't tell her. She's barely dealing with everything as it is."
"Daniel, this is Leesia you're talking about." Sam continued, trying to be the voice of reason. "Mrs insightful 2001. Even if she doesn't know what it is, she'll probably have picked up that there's something being kept from her."
Daniel thought that over, and had to admit Sam had a point. "Things have been a bit…strained between us," he confessed, reluctantly. He gave Sam a pained and pleading look, briefly using his eyes to indicate Mitchell, who sat beside him.
Sam understood what he was silently telling her. Daniel was a private man and while he had no dislike for the Colonel, quite the opposite in fact, he wasn't comfortable airing all his marital problems in front of the new guy. Or more accurately, wasn't comfortable discussing his marital problems, full stop. She gave him an apologetic smile and made a mental note to discuss it later with him in private.
"I've been reviewing what's known about Kabechet since I got back." Daniel hurried on, trying to get the meeting back on track, to get it over with as quickly as possible so he could get back to Leesia. He had left her at home, so he could attend the briefing. Not only did he believe that she was in no fit state to come in, but he didn't want her to know what was being discussed. Not yet anyway. It seemed ridiculous to him to be having a briefing over his 'death' in the first place, but a mission report would just lead to more questions. Hence the private meeting. "To the uninformed eye it would appear that there's not a lot written about her. Something that I believe may have been done deliberately, by Anubis."
"To hide his research?" Sam asked.
Daniel nodded. "Exactly. I doubt he would want others to cash in on his findings. However, some things have either been overlooked, or added by others later. For example, her 'mother' for use of a better term, was also known as; The Mother of Light."
Teal'c leaned back in his chair, his fingers steepled. "Do you believe this to be an indication to Leesia Jackson's ascension?"
"I do." Daniel confirmed. "Anyone who could have witnessed it wouldn't have known what they were actually seeing and you have to remember that the Egyptian people didn't start recording their history for thousands of years. In that time the retelling of the stories could have drastically changed, but it's possible that it was meant to be taken literally. Mother of a being of light." Daniel paused, waiting for the others to respond.
They didn't.
He cleared his throat and carried on. "In most depictions of her she is seen as a snake in some form-"
"A symbiote?" Jack asked, not wanting to be outdone by Sam's and then Teal'c's insight.
"Well, all of the females in the Ogdoad were depicted that way." Daniel corrected, causing Jack to slouch down in his chair in defeat. "However, the thing I find most intriguing is that in nearly every case she is shown with a feather and in one case in The Book of The Dead she is even shown to have wings."
"I trust we're nearing your point."
"The feather hieroglyph meant truth." Daniel said, with a slightly raised voice over Jack's interruption. "Strongly linked with Ma'at. Who wasn't an actual God as such, more of the concept of truth and justice."
"And the American way." Jack interrupted again, his focus on the pen he was currently twirling around his fingers.
"Obviously not 'American', but yes. She set the principles all others were guided to live by. It was said that she came after Ra and stopped the chaos and if she were to leave then chaos would once again rule. I think that Ma'at, or at least the concept of her, may have been linked to the start of the Tok'ra."
Jack threw the pen down. "Meaning?"
"Kabechet was good." Daniel said with a firm nod.
Jack eyed his best friend. "You trying to convince us, or yourself?"
Jack watched as the thought played across his best friends features, he hadn't meant his question to be a stumper. "Just tell me if she's a threat?"
Daniel turned his head quickly up to his best friend, in shock. "Of course she's not a threat," he snapped.
Jack nodded happily, "That's all I needed to know. Now if you'll excuse me," he said picking up the files. "I had a date with a shredder."
Daniel quickly bit back the comment he was about to make, realising just in time to stop himself, that asking Sam if 'Shredder' was her new nickname would be highly inappropriate, as well as embarrassing for the new couple as they hadn't yet announced their relationship.
The reason behind Sam's decision to quit the Air force and stay on SG-1 as a civilian had been the hot topic around the water cooler for days now. Many people believed it was because Mitchell had joined the team. Some thought it was to avoid the rivalry of having two Colonels on one team, but most believed that Sam and Mitchell had been in a relationship before he joined the SGC and now that they were working together one had to quit the military. The obvious choice being Sam, due to her background in astrophysics.
Briefing over, Jack headed into his office to attempt to make a dent in the never-ending pile of paperwork, Teal'c and Mitchell headed for the gym for another sparring session, which had fast become habit for them and Sam asked Daniel to walk her to her lab before he left.
Although he saw through the facade, Daniel agreed and the pair headed out of the briefing room together. Sure enough before they had hit the bottom step, Sam asked. "So, how strained have things become?"
Daniel's hands hid in his pockets and his focus fused itself to the floor as he strode along beside his friend. He really didn't want to discuss this, but he knew there was little hope of getting Sam to drop the subject. She was probably the only person who could 'out-stubborn' him. Knowing he had no choice in the matter, Daniel reluctantly opened up. "It's been bad since he was taken. She's had so much to deal with, losing the baby and my death and return. She's not used to all those different emotions and it's like she doesn't know who to cope with them all."
"It's been hard on you too," Sam pointed out, noticing that Daniel was only mentioning Leesia's pain and not his own.
Daniel shook his head. "It's been so much worse for her than it has for me."
"How d'you figure that?"
Daniel took a deep steadying breath, unable to believe he was about to admit this to another person. "Because she lost a baby, I didn't." He saw Sam's questioning gaze out of the corner of his eye, but she didn't interrupt, so he continued. "She was pregnant, I was zatted unconscious and when I came to she wasn't pregnant anymore…I never even saw him…To me, we lost a pregnancy, not a child."
"Doesn't mean you don't mourn for him just as much." Sam said sympathetically.
"My grief can't even compare to what she's going through right now. And that's why I can't tell her about her past. I can't add that on top of everything else."
"You're being too hard on yourself. I'm sure if you talk to her, tell her all this-" Daniel was shaking his head before she had even finished.
"I can't. Not now. She's not ready to know. And things are starting to get better," he said, thinking about how often she was now seeking him out for comfort. "I don't want to risk it," he said honestly. True, he still felt like he was walking on eggshells whenever he spoke with Leesia, but the tension between them had started to receded.
Sam didn't want to be hard on Daniel, especially not when he was beating himself up already, but she felt that she had to do all she could for the pair of them. If it wasn't for Leesia's encouragement, she doubted she would have had the guts to do what she had to do, to be with Jack. She owed her. She wanted to see them happy again and she believed that things would get better for them, if she could just get through Daniel's thick skull and make him see that keeping his wife at a distance wasn't helping. "Daniel, Leesia is a strong woman, stronger than either of you give her credit for. With you to help her through it, I'd bet that she would cope if she knew."
"No offence, Sam, but you don't know what it's like. You've lost a parent, but that doesn't compare…trust me." He knew it was a harsh thing to say, but it was the truth. He had lost both his parents and a wife, and while both were too painful to bear, it was but a drop in the ocean compared to losing a child. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be callous. I know you're trying to help."
"It's alright." Sam replied a little too quickly. Jack had said something similar to her, while warning her to let Daniel and Leesia deal with things in their own time, so she had been somewhat prepared. However, she was surprised to find that Jack had actually managed to phrase it kinder than the linguist had. "You've got a lot on your mind right now."
"Actually, I think the problem is exactly the opposite." Daniel said with a small laugh. The past week he had devoted all of his time to researching Kabechet, but that was now done to death and he wanted something to occupy his mind. He wished he could have taken Jack up on his offer to go to Antarctica and help the team down there, but he couldn't leave Leesia now.
As a mutual workaholic, Sam could understand that much. "Is there anything I can do?" she offered.
"Not unless you've got a time machine hidden in here somewhere." Daniel said, only half joking as he glanced around the gizmos that littered Sam's lab, surprised to realise that he had been too preoccupied with their discussion to have notice they had even arrived. He glanced at his watch. "I should really be getting back to her."
Sam nodded. "Just promise me that you'll think about telling her."
"I'll think about it," he told her, but he already knew what he would decide. When she was more accustomed with her grief, then and only then would he tell her. And nothing would convince him otherwise.
…
Leesia was panicking. Desperately wondering where it had all gone wrong. It had started innocent enough. They had been making love. The way he was looking up at her, a mix of deep love, reverence and lust, was sending fierce shivers along her spine, and told her he wanted to take things slow tonight. She was happy to abide by his wishes and took pleasure in knowing that she was pleasing him.
However as soon as they had finished and he had leaned down to kiss her, but it had been nothing more than a brief peck, before he had practically sprinted from the bedroom. "I'll be right back." he called, almost irately over his shoulder as he left. His speed and tone letting her know that he didn't want to be followed.
She stared at the doorway he had just disappeared through, in stunned silence. What had gone wrong? Was it her? Had she done something wrong? What was he keeping from her?
She heard the shower start. That was not his usual style. There was definitely something wrong. She followed him into the bathroom, intending to demand the truth from him, but the manner of his posture paused her. His shoulders were hunched forward, curled around himself in protection. His head was pressed against the wall, his eyes closed tightly. Whatever it was that was occupying his thoughts, it was troubling him deeply. She wouldn't let him suffer in silence, but as she approached, she heard him speak.
"Will you go away already?" His voice was almost too quiet to hear, but every word punched a hole in her wounded heart.
Fighting back tears, she fled from the bathroom.
The cool tile against his forehead was a pleasant contrast to the steaming water that cascaded over his shoulders and down his back. Daniel closed his eyes and tried to get control of himself. Despite the time that had passed, his breaths were still coming in heavy pants and his heart was still pounding a hard tempo against his ribs.
'Can't let that happen again!' He told himself forcefully. 'Might have gotten away with it this time, but there's no way that she's not going to notice if it happens again' And that would lead to questions, questions he didn't want asked and ones he certainly didn't want to answer.
He sighed out a long frustrated sigh. 'Who am I trying to kid? Of course she's going to notice something amiss…Since when do I dash straight off to the shower straight after we make love.' No, rushing straight to the shower would definitely alert her that something was wrong.
He stared down at himself. "Will you go away already." he snapped, under his breath. 'Great, now I'm talking to my penis. Danny-boy, you're losing it.' It was those blessed tingles that were still coursing through him, despite the dark thoughts that swarmed into his mind. He needed to relax, clear his head.
'Dammit, it wasn't fair!' He wanted to scream, or punch something. Why did this have to happen now? The drug-laced mist was long since out of his system. The wounds well healed, so not even scars remained. The compulsory therapy completed, filed and stored. He was physically and mentally over the whole ordeal. Had been for a very long time. He had put these demons to rest, years ago…Or so he had thought, before tonight. Now was not a good time for a relapse.
He could feel the wedge between them. It had been getting steadily deeper since their wedding night. He couldn't let this be another nail in the coffin of their relationship. He couldn't, he wouldn't let this drive them further apart. He was over it. It was his past, her past and he refused to let it cloud their future. No, he had to keep this from her.
She had looked breathtakingly beautiful, swathed in the subtle moonlight that streamed in through the bedroom window. The light and shadows working together in harmony, to accentuate her curves. Her hair swaying gently against her shoulders and breasts in response to her movements.
'Beautiful' he had thought as he watched her. It was easy to see how she had once been thought of as the Goddess, Kabechet. 'Oh, yeah, this is the stuff fantasies are made of.'
In his current state, he hadn't seen the warning signs flash through his mind, when his thoughts had taken the dangerous turn.
An actual Egyptian Goddess in his bed. That sort of thing didn't happen every day. 'It did once before' his brain had stubbornly reminded him and his heart had skipped a beat. 'Oh, God, don't think about that!…Not now!' he had desperately pleaded with himself. But it was too late. The memory had stubbornly implanted itself in the foreground of his mind and he couldn't shift it.
Hathor.
Daniel stared down at himself and felt his jaw drop open. His chest, stomach, arms, thighs and even his groin were cherry red. Had he really scrubbed himself that hard? He hadn't been aware of doing so. 'Crap!' She was definitely going to notice this.
When Daniel slumped back into the bedroom he was surprised to find Leesia sitting up on the bed, arms folded across her chest, glaring at him. The expression she wore, one of confused anger, instantly telling him he hadn't been completely successful in keeping her in the dark. Although exactly how much she had figured out, he couldn't be sure. Quickly, he turned his back to her, to hide the redness of his skin and rummaged through his drawers for a t-shirt. "You okay?" he asked warily, needed to know how much she had guessed.
"No," she answered honestly. "Something is troubling you."
Daniel tensed. He couldn't let her know. There was no way that she would be able to cope with knowing about her past right now, not in her fragile state. No matter what, he had to keep this from her. He pulled his t-shirt over his head. "What do you mean?" he asked, trying to sound innocent, while stalling for time to think of an alibi.
Her eyes narrowed, not impressed with his pretence of playing dumb. "You have been cut off. You have hardly left your den in a week. You refuse to allow me to help, or even to inform me on what you are working on." she listed off, her voice becoming more speeded and angry as she went. "What is going on?" she demanded.
"It's nothing, just some old research I wanted to go over," he told her as he pulled on his boxers. Now with the redness of his skin hidden from view, he turned to face her, trying to stop his arms from wrapping around his waist, it would be a dead giveaway that he was uncomfortable. "It's all in ancient Egyptian. You wouldn't have understood any of it." It wasn't a lie, he was just omitting certain details, but that didn't stop him feeling guilty. He wanted to tell her the truth and hated having to keep things from her, but it would be selfish to do so.
"Do you expect me to believe that?" she snapped. "While you often get distracted during research, you have never distance yourself like this before."
"You're reading too much into this. It's just research."
"Do not take me for a fool, Daniel."
"I'm not." he insisted, cursing himself for not being able to think of an alibi for his actions and for not being discreet enough to prevent her from noticing in the first place. "Can we talk about this later?"
"It is later, Daniel. Your behaviour has been a near constant for the last week. Is this- is this because I do not wish to have another child with you?" It was the only thing she could think of that could explain his sudden and drastic shift in behaviour towards her. It was also the only thing she could think of that would explain his reluctance to talk to her. Of course, his good heart wouldn't want her to feel guilty and his self-sacrificing nature would cause him to keep it to himself, but she wouldn't let him suffer because of her.
"What? No," he insisted, stunned that she had jumped to that conclusion. "I told you, whatever you want is fine with me."
"Please do not lie to me Daniel."
"I'm not lying. I under-"
"You have previously informed me of your desire to be a father and have a family." she quickly interrupted him, not wanting him to have the chance to attempt to deceive her further. This was the only thing that made any sort of sense to her. Research and distraction wouldn't cause him to run from their bed and scrub himself raw. He was disgusted by her. The only thing that had changed, as far as she knew, was her refusal to bear his children. He deserved better. "…I cannot give you that…I will pardon your vows if you wish."
"Vows?" Daniel repeated, almost dumbfounded. "Our wedding vows? …Ar- are you suggesting we get a divorce?" He barely managed to get the words out, his voice breaking on the last word.
Her lower lips started to tremble. Forlornly, she nodded.
He stumbled back away from her, unable to believe what he was hearing. "How can you say that?" he demanded angrily. "How can you even think that?"
"How can I not?"
"You have no idea what I-" he broke off, biting his tongue against what he nearly said. Every possible end to that sentence that he could think of would only make the situation worse. He was outraged that after everything they had been through she could be that quick to give up on them. Shaking with rage and still biting back all the angry words he wanted to throw at her, he quickly yanked on his jeans. He had to get away, quickly, before he had the chance to say something that would effectively end his marriage.
"Daniel?" she called to him as he made to leave.
Silently and without looking back at her, he paused in the doorway.
"Where are you going?"
"I just… I can't deal with this right now."
There was only one place he could think of going. He had turned it down to stay with Leesia, but that was the last place he should be right now. Grabbing his jacket and keys, he ran from the house. Within seconds, he was behind the wheel of his jeep and with a screech of tires, he speed away from the house. Quickly, he tugged his cell phone out of his jacket pocket as he pulled out onto the main road. He hit speed dial one. Three rings later Jack answered.
"Still want me on the Antarctica team?" Daniel offered the second he heard his friend's voice.