CHAPTER ONE

SURFACING

My hands were shaking as I tried again to get the key into the door of the Toyota Camry I had just rented here in Port Angeles. It was cold and raining of course and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking.

I tried again using both hands to open the car door, but this time only succeeded in dropping my purse and rental agreement into one of the many puddles littering the car lot.

I was reaching the end of my patience.

In the short time since I had received Jacob's phone call I had gone trough an array of emotions, and I was exhausted.

It had taken me an hour just to pull myself off the cool wooden floor of my apartment. I had just lain there listening to the sound of the air conditioner clicking on and off. I couldn't believe Charlie was really gone.

My immediate reaction had been to phone my mother but under the circumstances that was impossible now. She was gone as well

My mum had been taken from me slowly starting about seven years ago, each day forgetting more and more of her life and those who loved her.

Alzheimer's had completely stolen her now and she was living in a care home in Tampa Florida. Phil still visited loyally but I had stopped visiting after she forgot who I was now. At the present I just received weekly reports from Phil.

Now I was truly alone in this world.

When I finally managed to get off the floor I went into overdrive: Throwing suitable clothes into a bag, phoning the airlines and then my two jobs.

I had taken a leave of absence from my real estate job and then just quit the other over the phone I hated working in the casino anyways and only did it to keep my nights busy.

I had been able to get a flight out of Vegas right away but the airport had been a nightmare with the aircraft leaving nearly two hours late and full of screaming children, bachelor parties and bad tempered flight attendants. The large man seated next to me had been really happy and wanting to chat until he had seen the look on my face. I'd turned away from him and put my headphones in and gazed at the hot tarmac out the window and trying not to think of anything for the flight.

I had gotten quite good at not thinking before my bubble had been burst; now all my emotions were right back on the surface, all my memories right there for me to look at.

When the angry flight attendant finally came by pushing the magic drink cart I ordered a wine drinking it in two gulps. I could feel the alcohol hit my bloodstream and tingle in my shoulders.

I had been hoping this would put me to sleep for the remainder of the flight instead I was gripped by thoughts of my father and how I would never see him again.

It was unthinkable; he was Charlie he was always there.

Ironically after twenty years and all the times he had asked me to visit and me finding excuse after excuse I was finally going back to Forks.

To not have him there was unthinkable.

I had moved right after I graduated. Charlie had understood although I knew he wished things could have been different. But Jacob… well that had been hard.

Neither of us had ever really come to terms with how I'd left and things were still unfinished between us. I guess they always would be.

It was going to be good to see Jake again though but honestly how could it be twenty years already? How could that much time pass in the blink of an eye?

I guess because I had been living my life in my own little bubble, not allowing myself to think ahead or behind and just existing day to day. Allowing nothing to penetrate. I thought only about the immediate here and now and never let myself be drawn outside the box.

Time would have a way of getting away from you living like that.

Jake and I had spent the whole year after……well after in each others pockets.

He had saved me in so many ways, helping me to enter the world of the living again and have fun and laugh!

We spent all of our free time together, riding our motorcycles and hanging out in La Push, either at the beach or in Billie's garage tinkering with the bikes and drinking warm soda.

Charlie was more than pleased and liked seeing Jake in his house. I had really come to depend on him for my happiness and just let everyone assume that we would end up together, Jacob included.

He had always treated me like a girlfriend and towards the end of things I had just let him become that.

He respected my boundaries but we held hands a lot and I'd let him kiss me a few times. It had felt strange at first to feel those warm hot lips on mine instead of the cold hard ones I had become accustomed to but it was enjoyable not having to be so careful all the time.

I had led him on I guess but I was afraid of losing him, this in retrospect had been a mistake.

He was my best friend and even though I loved him we both knew it was not going to be, for his part though he really tried.

As grad neared things started to get weird between us. Jacob started to get really needy and jealous, never wanting me out of his sight, I felt suffocated and pulled away from him.

We argued a lot.

I stayed in Forks for one month after graduation, Charlie urged me to apply to several different universities but I had no interest in anything. Jacob and I were barely speaking and I was feeling depresses and angrier with myself as each day passed.

It suddenly came to me one exceptionally grey day.

What was I doing here in this damp depressing town anyways?

I could go anywhere, I was free!

Was I waiting for Him to come back for me?

I WAS NOT WAITING FOR HIM!

I had spent enough time on Him.

I was going to get on with my life…… today

It will be as if He never existed I said to myself.

Three days later I booked a flight to California and five days later I was gone.

Charlie had driven me to the airport sadly promising to look after "the beast" my trusty red truck until I needed it again.

Jacob had shown up just as they were starting to board my flight and Charlie had moved away with a smile on his face.

His hair was windblown and wild looking from his undoubtedly last minute decision to see me and subsequently suicidal bike race to the airport, his bronze face angry as he'd marched over to me with his black helmet tucked under one arm.

Then he'd scooped me up in one of his giant bear hugs, lifting my feet off the ground.

"I couldn't let you leave without saying goodbye"

"You're crushing me" I gasped

He had put me down then but kept his hands on my shoulders and grinned my favourite grin.

I noticed that it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I'll always love you Bells, but I know you have to go"

"I love you too" I cried

And I knew then that we would be the best of friends forever.

Just before I walked away He gave me a 'going away present'

A silver bracelet with a carved wooden wolf figurine.

He had somehow carved this beautiful, delicate wolf himself even with those huge hands.

I still have it.

I hadn't seen Jacob since that day.

We had talked on the phone often enough,

E-mailed, wrote letters and even made a few plans over the years to meet but it had never happened.

Gradually the phone calls had gotten further and further apart and more awkward.

He had married ten years ago.

I had just moved again and received the forwarded invitation to his and Leah's wedding two weeks after the fact.

I don't think he had really expected me to go but it had sure hurt imagining their life together. The one that could have been mine had I not been so broken up and dead inside.

According to Charlie he had married Leah only a few months after they had started dating "too fast if you ask me" he had argued, still hopeful that we would get together one day.

Jake and Leah have two beautiful kids now and I guess he's happy.

I have their pictures on my fridge, an everyday reminder of what I could have had.

I had barely even noticed the drive from the airport I had been so consumed with my thoughts of Jacob,

Allowing the memories to flow had sure spaced me out.

I wonder how he looks now. I thought

Had he finally stopped growing?

I smiled to myself and then I saw the sign

WELCOME TO FORKS

It was all I could do to breathe.

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