Chapter 2: Ally
It had been getting dark outside really early now that winter was coming. Ally was watching Jeopardy, humming along to the theme song like she used to when her Uncle Mickey used to watch it with her. She heard shuffling sounds coming from her mom's room; her mom was finally waking up, despite the fact that it was after seven at night.
Ally picked up her cereal bowl and now-empty jello cup and brought them to the kitchen. Using a nearby chair so that she could reach, she placed the bowl and spoons into the sink and let the water run over them, washing away the evidence of her dinner.
She jumped down from the chair and put two slices of bread into the toaster. While it ticked away, she got the butter out of the fridge and a knife from the small drawer. Her mom had been sleeping all day and Ally knew she needed to at least try to get her to eat something.
Uncle Mickey was waiting for her at the corner when the school bus dropped her off. She ran into his arms and gave him a tight hug, happy she didn't have to walk down the block alone like she usually did whenever it was her mom's turn to meet her.
"But I thought mommy was getting me today?"
"What, you're not happy to see me?" her uncle accused, making a hurt expression that Ally knew was totally fake.
"Noooooo Uncle Mick! That's not what I said!"
"Uhuh… Sure it wasn't…"
"It wasn't!"
He grinned at her, showing his teeth, then picked her up without warning and put her so that she was sitting atop his shoulders, using his head to keep herself balanced. It was Ally's favorite thing.
"Watch the hair," Uncle Mickey cautioned, but Ally knew better than to touch her uncle's black, gel-slicked hair. She laughed happily as they walked home, Ally bouncing along with her uncle's steps.
They settled into the house, Uncle Mickey taking her backpack and lunch box into her bedroom while Ally turned the TV on in the living room. "Where's mommy?" she asked when he returned.
"She had something to do," Uncle Mickey told her without concern. Ally was worried, but then her uncle said, "don't worry, kiddo. I'm here."
He sat beside her on the couch and she leaned against him while they watched something about a cat who was constantly getting into accidents.
"How was Kindergarten today, ya little brat?" Uncle Mickey asked when the episode was over.
"It was SO much fun. We learned a new song for the days of the week, drew pictures of our families and then Miss Brenda let us watch Toy Story. Wait, I'll show you!"
Ally was excited. She loved drawing and she was happy that Miss Brenda had let her take her picture home. She ran to her room and pulled the paper out from the Hello Kitty backpack she had covered with stickers when she'd started Nursery the year before. She skipped on the way back to the living room and climbed up onto her uncle's lap. Unfolding the paper, she presented it to him.
"Here's me," Ally said, pointing to the little girl she'd drawn right in the middle of the page. She had long black hair and blue eyes, just like Ally did. "Then here's you and Uncle Joey." This time she pointed to the two stick figures to the right. One was holding a knife and the other had a Snickers bar in his hand. "There's Grandpa," she indicated the figure at the top right of the page, in a building with a sign atop it that read 'JALE', "and there's uncle Iggy." She showed Uncle Mickey the gravestone she'd drawn in the bottom right corner with a flower growing right in front of it.
"And this?" her uncle asked, pointing to the left of the page.
"That's mommy, silly!" she said, surprised he couldn't tell. She'd drawn her mom in bed, asleep, wearing her favorite glittery club dress.
"No Spencer?"
Ally shook her head. "Miss Brenda said family ." She didn't add that she hated her mommy's friend and wouldn't have drawn him even if she'd been allowed to.
Uncle Mickey put a hand in her hair and ruffled it. "This is really good, kiddo." Ally beamed at him. Her stomach chose that moment to let out a deep growl.
"Hungry?"
Ally nodded vigorously.
Uncle Mickey went to the kitchen and brought out a whole box of cherry flavored Jello cups and two spoons, dropping them on the coffee table. Ally licked her lips as she watched her uncle tear two of the cups out of the box.
"Well, what are you waiting for, twerp? Dig in!"
She accidentally burned the toast, so she used the knife to scrape off the black edges. Anything, even burnt toast, was better than nothing, right? She decided to put a little bit of extra butter on top, kind of like a treat.
Grabbing the plate of toast and a glass she'd filled with cold water, Ally pushed the door to her mom's room open with her foot. It made a loud creak and Ally froze, hoping she hadn't just pissed her mom off, but a look at the unmoving form on the bed let her know that it was okay.
Ally knelt on the floor beside her mom's bed and pushed the glass on the bedside table. It was heavy but Ally was proud she hadn't spilled any water. Her mom didn't make any indication that she was going to eat, so Ally daintily picked up the toast and held it close to her mom's mouth.
"Try to eat, Mommy," she said as encouragingly as she could. "You needa eat somethin' or you'll get sick again."
Ally remembered the last time her mom hadn't eaten for days, right after Spencer had left. She frowned, not liking the memory. Her mom had gotten so skinny that it looked like her skin was just a sheet draped over a skeleton, like the one they'd had in the classroom at school during Halloween. She hated seeing her mom so frail and helpless, and hated that it was all stupid Spencer's fault.
"Heeey Ally-Ally-Allycat," Spencer sang as he came crashing through the front door. Ally furrowed her brow, confused. Spencer was smiling, his eyes bright and wild and all his teeth were showing from where he was grinning so wide.
"Only Uncle Iggy calls me that," she twisted her lips self-consciously and hugged her bear closer to her chest as Spencer bent to his knees in front of her. There was a strong smell coming from him and it made her nose crinkle. It reminded her of her grandpa Terry and she wondered if Spencer was hiding a bottle of the funny tasting water in his jacket, just like her grandpa always did.
Spencer scooped Ally up into his arms and spun around with her, tickling at her stomach, his fingers digging in too hard. "What, I can't call ya that too?" he asked when he finally stood still, his breathing heavy and his mouth still pulled back in a strange grin.
Ally blinked at Spencer's mouth, his smile looking out of place on his face, and she once again thought of her grandpa Terry and how his smiles always made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. She shrugged and chewed on her bottom lip and Spencer laughed as he threw Ally up in to the air, catching her in a grip that was too tight, aching her ribs.
"Come on, Ally cat. You're no fun. You're a kid! You're supposed to be fun!" He held her close in front of his face and Ally could smell his breath. It was strong and stale and she pictured her eyelids burning away from the stench, like they did in the cartoon that Uncle Mickey showed her. She noticed the blacks of Spencer's eyes, how big they were. There was almost no brown there now and Ally didn't understand it. He had what looked like drops of baby powder on the inside of his nose and Ally's eyebrows drew closer together in confusion. She didn't know that you were supposed to put baby powder there.
"Come on, kid. Lighten up a little!" The breath rushed out from her as Spencer dropped her onto the couch, her back slamming too hard against the cushions and tears stung at her eyes. Her bottom lip quivered and she couldn't find her teddy bear anywhere, but she didn't even remember dropping it. "You know what 'fun' is, right?"
She nodded as Spencer sat down beside her, his knee touching her leg and she curled away from him and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. "Yeah..." she mumbled, and Spencer laughed again, his arm wrapping around her neck in a headlock. She felt the knuckles of his hand rub roughly against her head and she kicked out her legs, pushing against his arm as she cried for him to stop.
"Get off!" she screamed out, pushing as hard as she could as her voice broke off into a sob. Spencer still carried on, pressing his knuckles deeper against her scalp. Ally wriggled as much as she could, trying to free herself from his grip and when he only laughed at her attempts she bit down on the flesh of his arm.
He ripped his arm away from her and yelled out, rubbing at the tender patch of skin and working out the indents of her teeth. She scrambled off of the couch and away from him, never taking her eyes off of him like Uncle Mickey always taught her.
"Little bitch!" he growled, still rubbing at his arm. Ally's lip wobbled again at his harsh words. She had asked him to get off of her, she had cried and he still wouldn't. She had only done what she had always been taught: fight back.
"Just like the rest of your fucking family, huh? Don't know how to fucking enjoy life." Spencer's smile was gone now. His mouth crinkled in anger and his face flushed red as he tensed his jaw. Ally looked at the bear that was sitting beside Spencer and he followed her gaze. He picked up the bear in one hand, tight around the bear's neck and Ally stepped backwards. Spencer threw the bear at her chest and the weight of it knocked her on her ass. She landed on the ground with a thud and this time Spencer didn't laugh. He stood up off the sofa and moved closer to her. She shuffled backwards as fast as she could but quickly came into contact with the wall.
Spencer's feet seemed to thud loudly against the floor and he was like a giant as she looked up at him from the floor. Ally felt snot and tears beginning to run down her face but she couldn't stop them, couldn't even think about them as Spencer's head blocked out the light. "You think biting people is funny? That your idea of fun?"
Ally shook her head, over and over as she cuddled Smokey to her chest but Spencer didn't take that as an answer. Ally's heart pounded in her chest as Spencer reached down and snatched the bear away from her. Just as Ally let out a sob, she heard footsteps from behind Spencer.
"Ay, what's going on?" Her mom. Her mommy was here. She was safe now. Ally pushed herself to her feet and ran and hugged at her mom's legs before Spencer could stop her. She cuddled her mom's thighs and squeezed them as tight as she could, her face buried in her mom's hip, until she didn't feel afraid anymore.
When she opened her eyes she saw Spencer smiling again and her chest tightened at the sight,
"Oh, we were just playing a little game"
Instead of eating, her mom turned away from the food and stared at the ceiling. Ally could see she wasn't getting anywhere, but refused to give up.
"You didn't eat anythin' today…" Ally whispered to her mom. "Please…?"
Just then, her mom lifted a hand and Ally's face lit up, thinking that her final plea had actually worked, but just as suddenly as her spirits lifted, they came crashing down when her mom pushed the toast away.
"Get out of here," she said to Ally in her raspy voice. "You should be doing homework, not watching TV."
Ally's eyes brimmed with tears but she blinked them back. She had already done her homework, as soon as she'd gotten home, just like Uncle Mickey had taught her, but her mom never noticed things like that. She ever noticed anything Ally did.
Ally left the room, leaving the toast and the water behind.
"CAT!" Ally yelled, excitedly. Uncle Mickey laughed at her and nodded, ruffling her hair so it covered her eyes as he moved his finger to the next word on the board.
"P-A- PAT!" she yelled again, her little legs kicking out with unrestricted energy.
Her uncle covered her mouth with his hand as she laughed. "Alright, alright. You know your mom's asleep‒shut up a bit, okay? Not so loud."
"Alriiiight" Ally sighed. Uncle Mickey was always telling her to be quiet and not wake mommy up, but it was hard to remember not to shout when she did her homework with her uncle; he made everything so much fun. "Next word, next word."
"Okay. No yelling though." Ally pulled an imaginary zipper across her lips and, keeping her lips pressed tightly together, smiled up at her Uncle Mickey. "Alright, kiddo. Next word."
"Mmm-mmm-mmm," Ally sounded out the letters, her mouth still closed and she saw her uncle fight back a smile as he rolled his eyes at her.
"Alright smart-ass, very funny." He mimed unlocking her mouth and Ally panted out a breath as if she'd been holding it in for ages. Uncle Mickey snorted out something close to a laugh and then groaned as he relaxed back against the sofa cushions.
"You're getting old, Uncle Mickey," she teased.
"Like I don't know that," he snapped. He twisted in his seat to crack his back, but Ally shushed him because of how much noise it made. "Yeah, yeah... What's the next word?"
Curling her thin arms around his bicep, Ally rested her cheek against his shoulder and let out a sigh. "Uhh... fat!" She giggled, a high pitched sound that sounded like windchimes in a summer breeze. Her uncle looked down at her as she tilted her head up to him. "Mommy said that you were fat. A porker!" The word was unfamiliar on her tongue‒she didn't actually know what it meant, but was repeating her mom's words.
"I was fat? Your mom don't know shit! Should'a seen her when she was a little younger than you‒like one of those damn weeble wobbles."
"Weeble wobble?" Ally repeated, her nose screwing up in confusion.
"Yeah. You know what one of those is. You push it over and it gets right back up." Uncle Mickey chewed on his finger nail as he mimed pushing one over and Ally shook her head at him.
"Weeble wobble," she said again, shifting around so she could look at him properly.
He wiped his finger along his thigh and nodded, "Yeah. Sorta like this." He pushed her backwards so she fell against the sofa and she let out that same high-pitched laugh, kicking her legs against his thigh.
"Not fair uncle Mick!" She sat up, shifting her legs so that they were under her butt and she charged at him head first, her arms circling his waist. He laughed at the sight of her scrambling with her legs kicking out behind her, trying to knock him sideways.
A loud bang came from her mom's bedroom; the sound of something being thrown against the wall. A second later came the sound of her mom's voice, loud and slurred with sleep, "KNOCK IT OFF!"
Ally pulled away from him then. She plopped back down on the sofa with wide eyes and her lips pressed tightly together, threatening to lift up into a smile.
"See? I told ya to shush," Uncle Mickey teased, nudging his elbow in to Ally's arm and she giggled quietly into the palm of her hand.
"S'your fault..." she whispered when she calmed down.
Her uncle chewed on his bottom lip, shaking his head. "Nuh uh. Totally yours."
"Nuh uh," she argued defiantly, mimicking him. It was definitely her uncle's fault. Ally would have been quiet if he hadn't pushed her down.
"Whatever," her uncle conceded, barely covering his smile. "Next word."
Ally lowered the volume on the TV so that it wouldn't bother her mom. She missed Uncle Mickey and couldn't wait until Saturday, because ever since he had moved out again a couple of months ago, she only got to see him on the weekends. He'd told her that the house was only big enough for one of them, and that her mom had picked Spencer.
Ally rested her head on the arm of the couch and continued watching the game show. She rarely knew the answers, but it was fun watching the geniuses battle it out.
She sighed, unable to get thoughts of the past out of her mind. When Spencer had left for good, Ally had been happy. She'd believed that things would get better for everyone. In fact, she'd excitedly called Uncle Mickey and had begged him to come back, but he'd refused, explaining that her mom was toxic and that he couldn't be there in that house anymore, even without Spencer.
She was a big girl now‒big enough to know that it was the heroin that had ruined everything.
"Is he gone?" Uncle Mickey asked Ally when he came home later that night. His clothes were dirty and covered in dark reddish brown stains. He didn't have to explain who 'he' was.
Ally nodded. Spencer had left about an hour ago.
He went into her mom's room, ripping the door open so hard that Ally thought it was going to break.
"He died. He fuckin' died. Too much blood loss or something. They couldn't stop it in time." It was the most defeated she'd ever heard her uncle sound.
"Mandy. Mandy! Mandy!Are you even fucking listening to me?" Ally peeked over the couch and saw her uncle kneel over her mom.
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" he screamed without warning, throwing her mom's arm back down onto the bed.
Ally gasped at the sudden change in her uncle's tone, and instantly sank as low onto the couch as possible without being underneath the cushions themselves.
"HEROIN? WHAT, YOU WEREN'T ENOUGH OF A FUCKING ADDICT BEFORE THAT YOU HAD TO STEP YOUR GAME UP? YOU LET HIM GIVE YOU HEROIN?"
Ally thought it was weird that Uncle Mickey was so angry. Wasn't heroine a good thing? Heroines saved people, like superheroes… maybe her mommy would get better now that she had a heroine...
She really tried to pretend she couldn't hear her mom's whimpers, but it wasn't working. Ally squeezed her teddy bear tightly. Uncle Mickey had named it Smokey the Bear because of the trenchcoat it had had in the beginning, but she liked to call him Teddy now, in secret. She didn't want to tell her uncle, but she hated smoke. It reminded her of the bad smells that used to fill the house, and the bad things that happened in their wake.
When her mom's moans got louder, Ally decided to go and check on her again. She tiptoed to the doorway and looked through the small space where she'd neglected to close the door completely.
"Go. Away," came the hollow yell from behind the door.
Ally slammed the door shut and ran back into the living room, Teddy in tow.
Jeopardy finished, then Wheel of Fortune came on. Now thatwas a show she could actually play. "Jurassic Park Avenue," she muttered under her breath. The category was Before & After‒her favorite.
A knock on the door stole her attention from the program before she could see if she'd been right. Ally got off the couch and walked over to the front door. She reached up and turned the doorknob, opening the door just a few inches so that she could see who it was.
"Mandy here?" the guy on the other side of the door asked. "You can tell her Marcus is here to see her," he added.
Ally turned her head all the way around and looked at her mom's closed bedroom door, not sure what to do. She recognized the guy. His light skin and buzzed haircut were familiar; she'd seen him with her mom and Spencer a few times. She nodded to him and closed the door. Getting a small step-stool from behind her so that she could reach the chain door lock, she slid it open and then hopped down to let the man in. The cold air from outside gave her goosebumps. She pulled Uncle Mickey's old t-shirt up so that it better covered her shoulder.
The man went into her mom's room without another word to Ally, so she returned to her seat in the living room and resumed watching the show.
Except that the guy didn't close the door completely: Ally could hear them talking, and when she turned to see what was going on, she saw the guy using his lighter to melt down some powder he'd put on top of a spoon.
Her mom was getting high, again. Ally recognized the sound of relief her mom made. She heard the difference in her mom's breathing, no longer quick and erratic. The painful moaning and whimpering ceased. But her mom's contented sighs soon gave way to a different noise: the sound of the bed frame steadily banging against the wall.
Looking back into the room one last time, Ally saw what was happening, and wished she hadn't. While her mom lay motionless and blissed out on the bed, the man was on top of her, his dirty hands reaching, touching and grabbing everywhere while he moved back and forth over and over.
Even though Ally tried not to watch, she could still hear the sounds coming from the bedroom. She closed her eyes and covered her ears and told herself to think happy thoughts, like Wendy did in the Peter Pan movie. Think happy thoughts, she repeated to herself. Think happy thoughts.
"Mommy do bunnies have babies too?" Ally asked as she spooned some cereal into her mouth. Milk dribbled down her chin and her mom rolled her eyes as she reached over and wiped at her mouth with a clean sock from the laundry she was folding.
"Duh," her mom answered, smiling as she threw the sock into the dirty laundry pile. "How else do you think they get here?"
"But how?" Ally asked, stirring her spoon around the bowl, spilling the milk over the sides,
"How?"
"How do they have babies?" she asked again, lifting the spoon out of the bowl and moving it towards her mouth with an unsteady hand.
"I don't know. Isn't that the shit you learn in school?" Ally crinkled her nose at the dark circles under her mom's eyes as they stood out like bruises against her pale skin, making her look like she hadn't slept in a month.
"Miss Bridges says I gotta wait 'til I'm in big school to find out," Ally shrugged, struggling to pronounce her words. She noticed how bright her mom's eyes were, how big her pupils were.
"You like rabbits?" her mom questioned and Ally nodded her head, watching as her mom moved around the kitchen with a spring in her step, cleaning up the mess that had been left to build up for weeks.
"They're okay..."
"Well, you wanna skip school and go find some?"
"Skip school?" Ally repeated unsurely, darting her tongue out and running it along her bottom lip.
"Just one day," her mom assured. "It'll be good‒come on." Her mom walked over to her and kissed the top of her head. She smelled of strong perfume and sweat and Ally could see glitter on her mom's skin that she always wore to work.
"Okay," she agreed, wondering if her mom had been to sleep yet.
"Yeah?" her mom asked, her smile growing wider, scratching her fingers against Ally's scalp. Ally screwed her face up at the rare affection.
"Will Miss Bridges be mad?" Ally wondered, shoving another spoonful into her mouth. Her mom rolled her eyes again, this time at the mess she made on the table as cereal and milk spilled onto it.
"We'll call in sick."
Ally slurped the last of the milk from her bowl as she held it to her mouth. She dropped the bowl back onto the table and wiped her mouth with the sleeve of her sweater.
"Where are the rabbits?"
"Well get your shoes on and we'll find out." Her mom picked her up out of her chair and cuddled her to her chest, tickling her sides as Ally squealed and kicked her legs happily.
"Mommy stop!" she laughed, fighting to catch her breath. "Momma, quit it!"
Her mom put her down on the floor and as Ally walked away to get her shoes, her mom tapped her bum. "Be quick, okay?"
They spent the whole day riding the El, making stops every now and again to visit different pet stores around the city. They shared ice cream even though it was freezing out and they prank called Uncle Mickey in different voices until he got mad and yelled at them, threatening to not come home after his shift. They laughed and Ally didn't even mind when her mom kept leaving her to go the bathroom all the time. The sky was grey and cloudy and Ally's fingers were numb despite the fact that she had gloves on, but she didn't care. Her mom was here with her and smiling and laughing. Ally couldn't even remember the last time her mom had been awake while it was light outside‒she was always too tired from work.
"Come on Ally, last stop before home." As the train came to a shuddering stop, her mom grabbed her hand and pulled her along, swearing and pushing people out of the way until they were away from the crowds of people and walking along a near-empty street.
"Where we going?" Ally asked, tugging on her mom's hand.
"There," she replied, pointing to a building across the road. Ally blinked at it, her smile growing as she saw a large sign with the outline of a rabbit on it.
"What is it, mommy?"
"It's a place where they keep lots of rabbits. We can't stay long but you wanna see if they'll let us hold one?" her mom asked, tucking her hair behind her ear. Ally nodded excitedly, chewing on the zipper of her coat.
She saw her mom grin before shouting, "Well come on then!" She dropped Ally's hand and ran a few feet ahead and as Ally almost tripped over her own feet in an attempt to keep up, her mom laughed.
"Mommy, wait! I gotta win!" Ally raced over to her mom and she scooped her up in her arms as Ally cheered, "I wanna see more rabbits!"
They made their way into the building and her mom put Ally back on the ground. Ally gasped at all the rabbits that were lined up in cages across the room and ran over to a pen on the other side of the room, "Mommy! Mommy look!"
"It ok to hold 'em?" she heard her mom ask a curly haired woman who was sitting on a computer chair.
The woman swallowed down a mouthful of her donut before she spoke. "Sure. Only the ones in the pen though. The ones in the cages have only just come in."
Her mom came and sat down beside her. Ally watched carefully as she lifted the biggest rabbit out of the pen. "Look at the size of this one, Ally."
"He's huge!" Ally exclaimed, her eyes going wide as her mom placed the rabbit in her lap.
"I know. He's almost bigger than you," her mom replied as she leaned over and petted the rabbit. "You think he's‒"
Ally couldn't hear what her mom was saying as the bunny lifted it's head towards her face, his whiskers tickling at her chin. "Mom!" she called, laughing so hard that her ribs began to ache with it, "Mom, look at him!"
Ally fell backwards so she was laying on the floor and she laughed harder as the rabbit moved up and rested his head on her neck. Ally looked over at her mom and found her smiling back at her, and for a moment the dark circles under her eyes didn't look so bad.
She didn't know how much time had passed when they guy walked through the living room and she heard the front door slam shut. Ally went into her mom's room. Bruises were already forming on her mom's waist from where he'd grabbed her too hard, and Ally was careful as she pulled her mom's panties back up. She fixed her mom's shirt, pulling it down so that it covered her exposed breasts the ribs protruding from her chest.
Finally, she pulled the threadbare blanket over her mom in an effort to keep her skinny and battered body warm, but stopped halfway. Her mom's eyes were open but it was like she wasn't actually seeing anything. Something was different… something was very wrong.
"Mommy?" Ally asked, voice quivering. Her mom didn't answer. Ally gently shook her, then increased the urgency of her attempts when her mom still didn't respond.
"MOMMY, WAKE UP!"
Her mom didn't move.
Not knowing what else to do, she ran to the kitchen and picked up the wall phone to call Uncle Mickey.
"Kiddo, I'm at work," he said as soon as he answered.
"Mom's not okay," she blurted out.
Uncle Mickey snorted. "Your mom's never okay…"
"This is different, Uncle Mick. Her eyes look dead and she's not moving. I tried shaking her but-" she sniffled, "but she didn't even blink. I dunno what to do!" By the end of her sentence, she was sobbing into the phone.
"Okay, Allison, don't panic." Ally stopped crying and was absolutely silent. Her uncle neverused her full name. "Get off the phone with me and call 9-1-1. Tell 'em you think your mom has overdosed and tell 'em to send help. I'm comin' there right now."