She entered her apartment without even turning on the light. The door slammed behind her and her keys and shoes were thrown to the floor, their proper places forgotten as their owner walked absently to the bathroom. The water splashed into the sink and she scrubbed her hands without thinking, washing away the evidence of the life she'd unsuccessfully attempted to keep in her world. It took fifteen minutes before she realized what she was doing, and only then did she become remotely aware of her surroundings.
She switched the water off and gazed once again at her hands. Her skin was swollen and pink, though she didn't know if it was from the staining of the blood or the constant scrubbing it had taken to wash it off. Her fingertips were shriveled, the skin pruned from the warm water they'd just been run under. But no matter how clean her hands were, all she could see was the red blood oozing through her fingers as she tried to hold it into her wounded partner's body.
Her apartment was still dark as she made her way from the bathroom and into her bedroom, collapsing exhaustedly into her bed as she stared at the ceiling. Only now did her thoughts slowly begin to trickle back into her mind, and within minutes the dam broke and they flooded her consciousness with terrifying speed and force. Only now did she realize all the things she'd missed out on, all the chances she'd given up in the three years she'd known Booth. And the pain only jabbed harder into her heart as she realized that she'd never have the chance to make up for them.
How many times had she imagined his beautiful smile on lonely nights all alone in her bed? How many times had her stomach fluttered and a schoolgirl giggle escape her lips as he looked her way? How many times had she imagined what it would be like to sleep next to him, to listen to his breathing and to feel his cool skin against hers as they slept through the night? And how many times had she prevented herself from thinking about these things and acting upon them simply because of that damn line they'd created? How many chances had she missed by allowing logic to cloud her desires instead of acting upon them like she so desperately wished to?
She remembered when they'd gone undercover in Vegas. She'd enjoyed how close he held her as they'd pretended to be Roxy and Tony. It had felt so good to glimpse what it would be like to truly be the girl on his arm, even if it had all been a hoax they'd had to create for the purpose of their work. She still remembered the look on his face as she'd walked out of the bathroom in the dress he'd picked, and she'd loved the way he made her feel as she saw the poorly veiled desire in his eyes. It had felt good to be wanted by someone, especially by Booth, even if only for a second.
She remembered the kiss they'd shared under the mistletoe in her office, and sadly she realized that it was the one and only kiss they would ever share. She'd loved the way his lips felt against her own as she softly kissed him, exploring something she'd only been able to dream about until that moment. If she'd had her way, she would have held his face in her hands and pulled him closer as she kissed him with the passion she'd always wanted to. She would have pulled their bodies closer so they could each feel the other's thundering, excited heartbeat as they explored this new venue in their relationship for the first time. But, unfortunately, this dream had been made impossible due to the supervision of Caroline Julian, who'd made Brennan kiss her partner in order to give her father the Christmas with his family that he wanted. Brennan made a mental note to one day thank Caroline for forcing her into that deal, for it was the one and only time she'd been able to enjoy the heaven of Seeley Booth's lips on her own.
She remembered how sweetly Booth had always talked to when she'd felt so lost and confused as she'd searched for who her parents were. She'd loved how he would come to console her at any time she began to feel upset, whether it be midnight in her apartment with a box of Chinese food or a quiet couple of minutes in her office at work. He'd always known exactly what to say to her to comfort and soothe her, and she wished that just once she'd allowed herself to fall into his arms so she could cling to the one person who'd made her feel whole.
But now, all those missed moments would remain just that: missed moments in time. Brennan wished with all her might that she could turn back time. She would have done everything her heart had told her to do in every waking minute she shared with Booth. And most importantly, she would have gone back in time to take that bullet instead of Booth, just so he could stay on this earth for one more day. She knew that now whenever she closed her eyes, his face would always be there no matter how hard she tried to block it out. And with a jolt, she realized that her best friend had been right all along: she'd fallen in love with Seeley Booth and never even known it.
With a groan Brennan jumped up from her bed, unable to deal with these excruciating thoughts any more. She ran to the bathroom and found the bottle of sleeping pills behind the mirror and quickly, she gulped down at least three more than necessary before returning to her cold and empty bed. She needed to rest in this drug induced slumber, for she knew that any sleep that came naturally would be haunted by her last moments with the man she'd fallen in love with.
Within minutes, her vision grew fuzzy and her eyes drooped closed. She slept surprisingly peacefully, for the drugs refused to let through any of her thoughts of Booth to escape into her dreams. And this was just what she needed on this first night without him.