He's working two jobs. He's so tired most days that he wants to lie down for a day and a half, but he has a strict schedule and he clings to it.
He counts the days on the wall calendar hanging beside his mattress in the crappy apartment he's renting. There are red circles over the days he gets paid. There are red hearts over the days he gets to see Emma.
Those are the days he's working his arse off for. He wants to be the best man he can be, so that when she comes out of prison, he can support her until she can get onto her feet.
Lately, she's been moody, and she sometimes doesn't want to talk about much.
She's told him details of her life in prison and it's a sad thing, knowing she's all alone in a place with so many people. She's told him about what happened when she ran, with tears in her eyes, and explained that the man who did this to her, put her in prison without having committed the crime, is long gone by now.
She has car keys and a swan keychain waiting for her when she's released, but that's all she'll have from the man, apparently.
Well, in addition to the baby.
She's taken to calling it the name of the vegetable or fruit that it most closely resembles now in weight and size, something that she reads up on in the library before coming to see him. She's apparently taking classes in order to pass the time. They're mandated for women who are pregnant, but she seems to enjoy not having to sit in her cell all day.
He's sitting in his usual chair, jiggling his leg under the table anxiously. It's been a week since he's seen her and he missed her.
When she's escorted into the room and seated in front of him, he takes a moment to soak in how beautiful she is. Her features are fuller, warmer, and she has lost the bags under her eyes. She's glowing due to pregnancy, but she refuses to believe him when he tells her that.
Her belly is well rounded now as she nears her due date. Often, he's wished he could press his hand to it, to feel the child within her stir, to press his lips to her bellybutton and whisper stories to the wee babe that grows there.
She hasn't told him of her plans for it, not yet. He does think she might keep it, but some days, she acts as if she'd rather give it up.
Emma grabs her phone and he lifts his, a soft smile on his lips.
"Hi Killian," she says.
"Hey, Swan."
She wears a frown as they sit there and her eyes seem glassy with unshed tears.
"What is it, love?"
Emma shakes her head, forcing a smile. "Um… it's a butternut squash today. That's how big it is." She sighs. "Definitely feels like it."
He chuckles. "It'll be over soon enough."
Her smile falls and she bites down on her lip. "They just told me that when the baby comes I'll have to make a decision. If I want to keep it or give it up."
Killian shakes his head. "What do you want to do?"
Emma sighs heavily, dropping her gaze to the butternut squash. "I… if I keep it, I can't have it here with me. It would have to go to…" She looks up at him, and his heart starts racing. "They'd give it to a friend or family member."
He swallows. He looks down at the table and takes a breath. "Swan, if you want me to take care of your child until you're out, then I will."
Emma shakes her head. "Killian, I can't ask you to do that."
"Why not?" He asks. "When you get out, where were you planning on going?"
She stares at him and closes her eyes. "That's three months with a baby that doesn't even belong to you."
"No," he says quickly. "No, Emma, I will take care of your child because I love you and your happiness is always important to me. So if you think keeping your baby will be its best chance, if you want to love it and give it the home you never had, I'll be here."
She blinks free a single tear. "Killian-"
"Swan, I just… I just want you." He shakes his head. "I want you to come home with me. If that's with a baby, I would be honored to help you raise it. You and I both know what the system is like."
She nods vigorously. "Yeah." She sniffles. "Okay. You can take care of it for three months and then I'll be released."
He smiles softly. "And we'll be together again."
Emma smiles in response, tears welling up in her eyes all over again. "Yeah."
He wants, more than anything, to hold her, so he simply presses his hand to the glass and she does the same.
"I'll have to find a new apartment," he says. "The one I'm at now is a bit of a pigsty. No place for a little one."
She swallows. "I thought you were saving up so we could go travel the world."
He laughs. "We still can, love. But first, let's have a baby, hm?"
Emma smiles, a real smile, and her laughter is pleasant in his ear. "Yeah. Let's have a baby."
/
He's sitting up late, building a crib in the new place.
The thing about having a baby is that you have to prepare for it. And because he wasn't sure what Emma wanted until about two months ago, he hasn't been able to devote nearly as much time as he would've liked to decorating and creating the perfect nursery.
The nursery isn't completely finished, but he thinks he has all of the basics.
He has piles of clothes he'd purchased at a thrift store and diapers that fill the closet. He's got a car seat and a changing table and there are a hundred and one other little things he has because all of the books and online sites say that this is what you need when you have a baby.
Not that he truly knows.
He gets a phone call as he's staring at the newly assembled crib come the first rays of morning light and he's immediately on high alert, scrambling to answer.
Emma had the baby. It's a boy. He's expected to go pick him up in an hour.
An hour.
He hasn't even showered. Bloody hell.
/
Henry is his name. Henry.
Henry has a strong grip and loud lungs. These are two things he learns as soon as he's holding the boy for the first time.
He's not allowed to see Emma, but he's told that she's fine, whatever that means, and then he's given a set of instructions on feeding and the like, but he's honestly just blown away because he's holding a little baby boy in his arms.
He's small, but his eyes shine blue when he opens his eyes, and he has a head of soft brown hair. His cries are not easily soothed, probably because he's just been separated from his mother, and Killian can relate.
Killian brings Henry home and the car ride, oddly enough, seems to have calmed him down. He keeps a mental note of that as he's walking around the car to get him from the backseat.
It's interesting, to say the least, practically becoming a single father overnight. He reads every book he can and he's often on the online forums doing research. He finds that Henry enjoys being rocked, so he ends up sitting in the rocker for a good portion of the day between changings, feedings, and naps.
It does get easier, as the days go by. He's able to figure out a schedule with the boy, which the books say are important, and Henry doesn't cry nearly as much as he had that first day.
One night, he discovers something online that says skin-on-skin time is important, so he sits in the rocker at bedtime after a feeding without his shirt on and presses the boy against his chest, smiling softly as he brushes a kiss to the top of his head.
"We're going to see your mum tomorrow, Henry," he murmurs. "She'll be so glad to see you, I'll bet."
He can't help but smile softly, kissing the top of Henry's head again. He sings gently to him, another thing he's found is effective in getting him to sleep, and soon enough, he's able to lie him down for a few hours.
Killian takes the opportunity to shower and eat something himself, and then a quick nap before he's back in the nursery, feeding the boy and sighing as he whispers to him in the quiet of the night.
/
He dresses Henry in a blue outfit to see Emma for the first time since their separation.
She's already sitting there waiting for him when he gets to his side and she smiles at him softly as he sets Henry's car seat down on the ground beside him.
When he's able to examine her closely, she has tears in her tired eyes, and her warmth is completely gone. She seems to be devastated, her complexion pale as it's ever been.
He lifts the phone and smiles at her.
"Hi Killian."
"Hey, Swan."
Emma blinks a few times and he grins wider, "He's beautiful, Emma. He's a good boy. So good."
She starts crying and he has tears in his own eyes, because he's exhausted mostly, but also because he so wishes she could be here too. The baby is barely a week old and she's still serving time for something she didn't do.
"And we're on a schedule now," he tells her. "I'm up half the night, but we've at least got a good routine now."
Emma's tears come faster, but she smiles anyway. "That's good."
"Aye," he says, wiping at his eyes. He looks down at the boy, who seems to be waking from his nap. "Emma, would you like to see him again?"
He watches her contemplate the question for a moment and then she nods. "Yeah."
Killian swallows. "Alright. Hold on a moment."
He sets the phone down and reaches for the carrier, hoisting it up, turning it so she can look in at her son.
He watches her reaction, her lip trembling, her forehead creasing as even more tears come. She presses her fingers against the glass and she says something that looks like, "Hi Henry."
After a few moments, she finally looks at him and nods, as if telling him to pick up the phone again. He puts Henry back onto the floor and grabs the phone, pressing it to his ear.
"He's getting big already," she says, sniffling. "I'm going to miss so much."
Killian's heart aches. "No, Emma. Don't talk like that. You've only got, what, twelve weeks left?"
She nods. "Yeah. Something like that."
"I'll take pictures and videos and you won't miss anything. I promise." He says. "Well, except all of the sleepless nights. You're probably glad you're not me at the moment."
She laughs.
"I'm serious, love, he's got the loudest cry I have ever heard." Emma's laughter continues and she bites down on her lip. "He's got an appointment this afternoon so I'll let you know how that goes next week."
Emma nods. "Okay."
He studies her. "How are you, Sweetheart?"
She smiles a little. "Getting by." Her gaze drops a little. "It's hard. It was better when he was with me. I wasn't alone."
Killian closes his eyes when she starts crying again. He stares at her after listening to her struggle for a couple seconds.
"Emma, listen to me, you're almost done. It's almost finished. You're brave and you're strong and I believe in you. You can do this. You just gave birth. If you don't think you're capable of making it a few more weeks, then I'd like to know what happened to my best friend."
She reaches up to wipe at her eyes and smiles a little. "Okay."
He studies her and then presses his hand to the glass for her. She settles her hand against his and he smiles. "I love you. Remember that."
Emma nods. "I love you, too."
/
Killian will probably never be more annoyed that Arizona isn't near the ocean than he is when Henry is two months old and he wants to take him to the water.
However, he discovers that California is a day trip away and his temptation to break free of theheat of Arizona in lieu of some salt on his skin is far too tempting, particularly when he runs out of things to do with Henry and the boy starts getting restless.
They arrive by the late afternoon and Killian wears a happy grin on his face as he climbs out of the car. He takes a few pictures of where he's at, then goes to take his boy from the backseat.
He's blinking at him as he holds him and Killian kisses the top of his head. "Henry, welcome to the ocean. I hope we'll get to come here a lot more when your mum joins us. But for right now, it's a little bit of a treat for us."
He grabs the diaper bag as well as a hat for Henry and settles it on his head before heading to the trunk to set up the stroller.
Going to the beach with a baby is quite a bit of effort, but he's determined, so he ends up looking probably over-prepared as he starts heading to the water.
The sand under his toes is hot but he loves the ocean breeze against his skin. Once he sets up their umbrella, he sits with Henry on the towel, letting the child rest in his arms.
He points out at the water. "That, lad, is the ocean. What do you think of it?"
Henry looks up at him after following his finger and he smiles when Henry peels back a gummy grin, something he's just started doing.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Killian asks, his heart full as he stares at the shimmering water.
As they take in the day, Killian eventually grabs Henry and carries him to the water, only standing where the waves hit him to his ankles, and he holds Henry's fingers as he stands there.
He finds his boy so perfectly content with this, listening to the sound of the waves, so much so that he falls asleep as Killian stands there. Killian knows people are watching him, judging him, but he doesn't mind it at all because no one understands his situation.
He takes loads of pictures for Emma, of Henry in his beach outfit, of the water, of the sand on Henry's little toes. He'll show them to her when they go visit her next. He's sure she'll like to know they did something new.
Henry gets hungry and Killian feeds him from under their umbrella. He requires a changing, of course, and as he goes digging through the diaper bag, he realizes that he forgot to refill the wipes, so he curses under his breath and shakes his head.
"Well, your papa's a bit of an idiot," he says, raising his eyebrows as he stares down at the baby. "When your mum gets out, we'll be better. It'll be much better. Daddy won't forget the wipes and we won't have to leave the beach to find some."
/
Henry gets sick.
He cries and he cries and he keeps throwing up everything Killian feeds him. It keeps Killian up, because Henry's temperature is far too high, and he keeps crying, and he just doesn't know what on Earth he's doing.
He's panicked, because his boy is red and hot and his cries are harsh and real. He hushes him, tries singing to him, but none of it works.
He ends up taking him to the hospital at two in the morning on the day he's supposed to go see Emma and when they arrive, the nurses and doctor only have to look at him for a few moments to tell him, "It's the flu."
And apparently it's not as bad as he'd thought it might be.
But, he realizes as he finally gets Henry to sleep at eight in the morning with some medicine in him, he can't wait for Emma to be released because being a single father to a newborn is much more difficult than he could have ever dreamed.
They don't go see Emma that day because of the flu and every ounce of him aches because of it.
/
When Henry turns three months old, Killian buys him a pirate onesie and has him wear it to their last visit to the prison.
He's exhausted when he sits down in his chair. Henry had been fussy and refused to sleep the night prior, so he'd spent his night moving from room to room, and eventually, they ended up going for a drive.
It had worked like a charm. Unluckily for Killian, it had been seven in the morning when they pulled into the driveway again.
He's exhausted, but when he sees Emma again, he can easily forget about his problems. Because she's here and she's smiling much more than she ever has before.
He picks up his phone and she picks up hers.
"Hi Killian."
"Hey, Swan."
She's so happy, it's contagious. The apples of her cheeks glow brightly and she has pure elation in her laugh when she lets it out. "Sorry. It's just… I'm so close."
He nods, returning her smile with one of his own. "Aye."
Emma nibbles on her lip. "How is he?"
"Well, he kept me up last night," Killian laughs. "Apparently it's time for strictly night sleeping and I have never been more elated about that, but he's on the opposite schedule."
Emma laughs. "Oh no."
"Aye," Killian shakes his head. "But, he's been holding his head up a bit more and he loves tummy time more than anything. You should see him when I put him on the blanket for that."
Emma's laughter is sweet and Killian grins happily. "And he's not crying nearly as much lately. Which is lovely. He's started babbling quite often. Maybe he'll talk to you while we're here. Let's see."
Killian sets his phone down and reaches down into the carrier to take the boy into his arms. Emma smiles at him and he does smile in return.
"Look, there's mummy," Killian says, pointing at her. "Would you like to say hello?"
He grabs the phone and pulls it close to Henry. Henry looks at the phone and then up at him, poking the speaker. "Ah oh ah,"
Killian grins. "Yeah? Mummy, do you hear that?"
He looks up at Emma and she has tears in her eyes, happy ones, as she nods.
"Can you say, 'I love you', Henry?" Henry babbles in response and Killian nods. "Very good, lad."
Killian reaches down to stroke at his hair and his boy grabs at his wrist, making him chuckle as he lifts the phone to his ear.
"He's a pirate today, did you see?"
Emma nods. "Yeah. He looks really cute."
Killian beams. "Well, I try."
She rolls her eyes. "How are you, Killian?"
He smiles. "Good. Tired. I miss you." He stares at her, his heart heavy. "So, so impossibly much."
Emma sighs. "I miss you too."
He hasn't thought about what will happen when she gets out, at least what will happen between them as a pair, because what's been on his mind is Henry and Henry's well-being, so he's mostly busied himself with thoughts of what he can do better with him.
Now, as he's staring at her, he realizes that they've admitted their love for each other more than a few times, he's caring for her boy as if he were his own, and yet, they haven't had the proper time to explore this relationship.
She appears to be in thought as much as he is.
"Emma, when you get out, I don't… I don't want you to think we've got to jump into anything. I know consequences here are different and difficult, but I told you that I love you because I do and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for us to figure out what that means."
Emma licks her lips. "It's definitely going to be different."
It's all she says on the matter and he knows he shouldn't get his hopes up for anything to truly change for them any time soon.
/
The morning of Emma's release day, Killian spends hours looking over the entire apartment.
He'd cleaned it over the past few days, from top to bottom. He'd stocked up the guest bedroom where she'll be staying with new sheets and pillows, fluffy ones he's certain she'll adore, and her walls are a pleasant shade of blue.
He found some clothes to stock up her closet and dresser drawers and shoes, but he knows they'll have to go shopping properly when she comes home.
He has a bag of things for her to change into sitting on the sofa alongside the diaper bag and some snacks she'd said she was craving.
The kitchen is fully stocked with everything she could possibly want. All he needs is for her to come join them.
Henry's babbling as he carries him out to the car and he chuckles. "We're going to pick up your mum. I'm quite excited." He pauses, opening the car door. "And nervous."
He settles Henry down in the back of his car and stares at him for a moment as he lifts his foot and grabs it.
Killian can't help but feel sad that this chapter of his life is over, because while it had been more painful than he would have liked, he did learn quite a bit about himself, and being a father to Henry was incredible.
He lowers a kiss to the top of his head. "I love you, Henry."
Part of him has no idea if Emma will even stay the night tonight, if she'll take one look around and run again, taking Henry with her, or if she'll stay and let them become a family.
It's what has butterflies in his belly and he kisses the top of Henry's head once again before he squeezes his tiny fingers and smiles at him. "All right. Time to go get your mum."
/
When she emerges from the building, he can't keep the smile from his face. She has one on hers as well, a wobbly one, and she picks up her speed until she's running, straight into him, her body colliding into his with a bone-shaking thud.
He wraps his arms around her and squeezes her as firmly as he can, burying his face in her hair, his eyes closed so impossibly tight.
"Oh, Emma," he whispers.
She pulls back, but only enough that she can meet his eyes. She laughs softly, happily, and her arms hold him closer.
"Hi Killian," she finally says.
"Hey, Swan."
He drops his forehead to hers and her arms wrap around his neck, fingers tangling in his hair. "Oh, I missed you."
Emma's breath is shaky and he pulls back after a moment, turning slightly to the car they're standing in front of.
"I think someone would really like to see you."
Her lips go into her mouth and she has tears in her eyes when she nods.
Killian slips away from her to open up the backseat. He reaches in for the boy, her son, and groans slightly, "You're so heavy, lad. What've I been feeding you?"
Emma laughs a little as he steps back toward her. She examines Henry for a moment as he rests in Killian's arms and then looks up at him, as if asking if it's okay.
He nods, smiling softly.
She reaches her thin fingers in to take her son from him and her eyes leak tears as she breathes, seemingly out of relief, holding her baby boy against her chest, her fingers finding his.
"Hey, baby," she whispers. "I'm your mommy. I'm your mom. I love you so much."
Emma's brow creases and she looks up at him, panic in her eyes. He smiles comfortingly at her. "You're doing a great job, Swan."
She releases a shaky laugh. "I'm scared."
"Don't be," he replies, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "I'm here. I'm not leaving you."