Lea,
I heard from my 'sources', and of course you know it's Chord the messenger, that you've wanted to reach out but just didn't know how. So I thought I'd do something authentic and honest and so very 'me' by writing you this letter in hopes that you'll know it is all okay - it might be drastically different than months before - but perhaps it's just the wheel of the world.
On a side-note I also hear you got a call back for your 'big Broadway role of a lifetime' and I'm so very happy for you. You deserve it, there's no talent that could outshine yours. I hope all else is well. But if I'm being honest I've heard it hasn't been great for you recently, apart from career aspirations. But we all know that you're going to get what you want in that realm, sooner or later. No one can stop you Miss Michele.
I guess I just wanted to write to you, and let you know not to worry so much. Not to torture yourself completely over this. I've been a lot better recently. Normalcy is starting to actually become a regular thing in my life again. Who knew I'd crave the consistency of a new normal. Right after it all kind of 'fell apart' (as much as I hate to say that) I would just go through the motions and people seemed to be okay with it eventually, I guess they can only hear "I'm fine" so many times before they stop asking. They could pick up on our distance, on a dissolving relationship of sorts. Those who I want to know about everything - well yes of course they know. And the others, well they may not have noticed anyway. The press won't let it go though and that may be the worst. They can't help it so I try to smile and act polite and charming. I remember the time you told me how much you admired my 'sincere charm' as you put it. It was right before you kissed my cheek for the first time). Anyway, they all ask similar questions: "How's Lea? Have you all kept up with everything wrapping up and the season ending?" and all I can do is smile and say that we've both been busy, that you're doing great things and work has been almost all consuming. Then small talk ensues about 'all work and no play' and what I think about the various projects I've been a part of. But really I'm biting my tongue behind my smile and thinking "If you only knew." Because Glee gave me so much, it's an irreplaceable part of my heart and life. It gave me things that taught me just how much you can miss something.
So yes, I've been fine and I'm getting better in all honesty. The confusion, the hurt, it's faded for the most part. The fake smiles around our old friends may actually be turning sincere. But when I say fine, even if I say I'm great - I'm sure you know there will always be an ache of some sorts when it comes to you.
One thing is that I can't remember the last time I got a full nights rest. Weeks ago I'd guess?
I knew it would happen that way though, that I'd miss it this much. Because really - when it comes down to it - I wouldn't dare to replace your side of the bed. At least not yet, maybe years down the road I'll find someone to love, someone to give this heart to, or at least what I tell you you can't keep. Because even when I'm doing fine, I still don't know how I'd be around you...Less than charming, a mess maybe? And we both know how much I'd hate that.
I really do hope you're getting better. I want you to be doing great, to be living it up and not just going through the motions. Neither of us should feel that way, wouldn't you say that? I hope if you have an ache too, maybe it brings a smile to your face, and hopefully not a sad one.
I hope you know, even if I tried not to (which I never would fathom trying) I will always, always love you. I'd fly to you this moment if you needed it. But, from the other side of the pond whatever we have still reaches - because I've been doing really well - but can't seem to erase the outline of you from my mind. So, I guess I'll have to 'embrace it' for now like I always said.
Really, there's nothing else I could try. It's so very you, this heart-wrenching love, this distance, this silence, this shift - so theatrical I know you'd love it from a stage. But it gets a bit blurry up close.
Though I'm sorry to say that I can't let myself hold on to the idea of us as I'd imagined, I know there will always be some version of 'us' out there in the universe. And I will hold on to the idea that it'd be great to see you. Really great. Whatever mess we are, I'd just like to see you sooner rather than later.
Sincerely,
Di