1. Edward's Embarrassing Fetish

browniechadowes: Ok, so from now on, at the characters' request and with much protestation from Mrs. Meyer, what the characters are actually thinking will be placed in italics.

Stephenie: *sticks out tongue and scowls*

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Renee: Bella, you don't have to do this.

Martyr!Bella: I want to go. Meh, Forks was going to suck, but it was a better alternative to watching my mom play cougar with her man toy. *shudders* I will never be able to use another loofa after what I walked in on them doing with it. AGHHH bad thoughts, bad thoughts! Think happy things. Bunnies! Sunshine! Ice cream… crap that one's ruined too.

Renee: Tell Charlie I said hi.

Bella: I will.

Bella's inner monologue: When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn't see it as an omen – just unavoidable. I'd already said my goodbyes to the sun. Jesus, I can be really fucking melodramatic sometimes.

Charlie: It's good to see you, Bells. You haven't changed much. How's Renee?" Mmmm, miss those times. That woman was a goddess with a loofa.

Bella: *looks awkwardly at Charlie's glazed-over eyes* Mom's fine. It's good to see you, too, Dad.

Charlie: I found a good car for you, really cheap.

Bella: What year is it?

Charlie: I think it was new in the early sixties – or late fifties at the earliest. What? I'm not made of money!... Terrible thought…Am horrible father. Oh God, am going to curl into the fetal position and cry when she's not looking.

Bella: How cheap is cheap? This beast of a car better not cost me a penny.

Charlie: Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you.

Bella: You didn't need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car. Whew, not a penny.

UnrealisticTeen!Bella: *sees the truck* Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks! Why, God, why? First you turn my mom into a sexual deviant, causing me to move to a wet barren hell, and now I'm supposed to be freaking thrilled to have a vehicle that could have come straight out of The Grapes of Wrath? Nice.

Bella's first day at school:

Eric: You're Isabella Swan, aren't you? Hot, hot, hot, hot… oh shit, think baseball, Roseanne, cold showers, Isabella in the shower… No!

Bella: Bella *everyone turns to look at her* Uggghhhh. I hate people. If I were Carrie I would use my telekinesis to kill you!

browniechadowes: Sorry readers, had to put a Superstar quote in there.

Eric: (Under his breath) What a nice ass.

Bella: ?

Eric: Uhhh, where's your next class?

In the cafeteria:

Bella: Who are they? *glances sideways at the beautiful boy, who was looking at his tray now, picking a bagel to pieces with long, pale fingers.*

Jessica: Those are the Cullens. You are an idiot. I hate you. You are the pus in my pimple. You suck.

Bella: They are… very nice-looking. Daaammmnnn I could tap that. Although I am still slightly disgruntled by the death of the bagel. Hmm, poor bagel.

Jessica: Yes! They're all together though. Die, bitch, die. You are the blood in my tampon.

Bella: Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair? Why did he look so constipated?

Jessica: That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him. Ya, you whore. You are the fangirl to a shitty plot. Stay away… and then go kill yourself, pretty please with sugar on top?

DependentSwooner!Bella's inner monologue: I bit my lip to hide my smile. Then I glanced at him again. His face was turned away, but I thought his cheek appeared lifted, as if he were smiling, too. Good lord, am I really that desperate for him to like me? Note to self: This is the moment where I start becoming a dependent swooner. I hate dependent swooners.

Stephenie: *cackling* Swoon, my little puppet. Swooooon.

Biology:

Bella's inner monologue: He stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face – it was hostile, furious. Ya, well fuck you, too… but seriously, can I?I bet you'd be great with a loofa… Aghh, bad thoughts! He was leaning away from me, averting his face like he smelled something bad. Hey buddy, he who smelt it dealt it. I didn't think letting a little one slip would be that big of a deal. Besides, I literally doused myself with strawberry shampoo. Surely that masks it… maybe…no? Oh, I hate my life.

Edward: Jesus Christ, you can't just let those out whenever. God, I have to sit through a whole period of this? She smells like a strawberry crapped on her… wait, oh no I'm getting vampire tingles. It can't be… who would have thought that poo smelling strawberries would be a turn-on? Oh it burns, and I LIKE IT! Must leave right when the bell rings, so no one can suspect my obsession. *prances out of biology room*

Bella's inner monologue: He was so mean. It wasn't fair. *stamps foot in head* No fair, no fair! Come back my love! And I need to get out of my own head. My Edward dependency-omiter is climbing, and my monologueing is getting out of control.

Stephenie: *pouts* But what else is going to move the plot forward?

Mike: Aren't you Isabella Swan? Hot, hot, hot, hot… oh shit, think football, Rosie O'Donnell, my mom naked, Isabella naked, Isabella with my mom naked… No!

Bella: Bella.

Mike: *under his breath* Do you need any help spanking that ass?

Bella: ?

Mike: Uhhh, Do you need any help finding your next class?

Bella: *ignoring glassed over perverted stare* I think I can find it.

In the office:

Edward: AGGHHH! Not again. The lustful scent of septic strawberries. Never mind, then. I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help. Must leave before anyone suspects my fetish. *flounces out of the office with his hands covering his nose*

Receptionist: How did your day go? Urgh, had this girl been marinating in fruit?

Bella: Fine. Not fine! Not fine! Awesomely hot boy hates me, mom is a cougar, it's wet, truck is a death trap, and have sneaking suspicion that everyone is infatuated with my ass.

Bella's inner monologue: Snap out of it Bella! It's just a boy you don't even know. Ya, girl power! Spice Girls, Hillary Clinton, Mother Theresa. I'm okay. This is not so bad. My world does not rotate around a guy. I'll just -

Stephenie: *clears throat* Bella, you're doing it again.

Bella: I know, but wouldn't it be, ya know, a good idea to show that a girl's happiness doesn't depend on a boy liking her?

Stephenie: *laughing maniacally* Tee hee, Bella, you're just too much. Besides, if I gave you any sort of independence, the fangirls would hold a poison-filled cool-aid massacre. Silly. *with a wink, she prods Bella with a stick* Come on…

Sad!Bella's inner monologue: *scrunching nose, then pulling a sad puppy face* I sat inside for a while, just staring out the windshield blankly. I headed back to Charlie's house, fighting tears the whole way there.