Steiner's Bad Habit
Steiner [singing badly]: It's been a hard day's night...and I been workin' like a dog....
[Steiner reaches under his bed and pulls out a shoebox. Inside the shoebox is a complete set of Gogo Goldfingers action figures! He selects Garnet, Steiner, Beatrix, and Zidane, and sets the box to one side.]
Steiner [singing badly]: I should be sleepin' duh duh duh.... [picks up Garnet and Steiner]
Steiner [Garnet]: Oh, Steiner! What did I ever do to deserve such a loyal, manly hunk of knighthood like you to protect me?
Steiner [himself]: Just doing my duty, princess!
Steiner [Garnet]: You're irresistible! Even your name is sexy...Adelbert. Come here, you wild stallion of justice!! [Steiner and Garnet dolls kiss. Steiner picks up Zidane, letting Garnet fall against his arm.]
Steiner [Zidane]: Oh no you don't! Dagger is my girl!
Steiner [waving the sword of the Steiner doll]: SHOCK!
Steiner [Zidane]: I am slain! Ugh! [Zidane doll dies]
Steiner [Garnet]: Who can I turn to? Only my kind and gentle knight, Steiner! Boo hoo hoo! [Garnet doll weeps onto the Steiner doll's shoulder.]
Steiner [Beatrix]: Oh ho! What's this? I believe that's my man you have there, princess.
Steiner [Garnet]: Since when?
Steiner [Beatrix]: Since he defeated me in battle, I haven't been able to keep my hands off him!
Steiner [Garnet]: Then fight me!
Steiner [himself]: You mustn't....
Steiner [Beatrix]: That's right! We must find a pit with lots and lots of mud first!
[Beatrix and Garnet dolls have a catfight. Blutzen pulls back the curtain.]
Blutzen: Captain!
Steiner: Blutzen!
Both: ...
Blutzen [running to throne room]: QUEEN GARNET! CAPTAIN STEINER IS PLAYING WITH DOLLIES LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!
Garnet [eating a gallon of sorbet]: What's this? How dare you interrupt my five o'clock feeding? I was just cleansing my palate for the main course.
Blutzen: I caught Captain Steiner playing with dolls!
Steiner: *huff* *puff* Lies! All lies!
Garnet: I think it's a nice gesture that Steiner wants to get in touch with his feminine side.
Blutzen & Steiner: Huh?
Blutzen: But, highness...he had one of you, and he was making it mud wrestle!
Garnet: WHAT! [she throws her hands up in the air; massive underarm blubber hits a guard standing to Garnet's left and knocks her out]
Blutzen: Saw it with my own eyes, your majesty. (Heh heh...the private Captain's bed is all mine!)
Steiner: I can explain....
Garnet [lovey-dovey]: No need to explain, darling. Guards!
Guard: Ahem.
Garnet: Guard! Seize Blutzen! Take him to that adorable taxidermist...he'll make a fine trophy for my wall. GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[The guard grabs Blutzen and hauls him off]
Steiner: Um, you see....
Garnet [covering Steiner's mouth with an enormous, hammy fist]: No words, my sweet! It's true, ever since I had Zidane pickled and canned for winter, I've been a bit lonely...now, tell me...you think I'm sexy enough to mud wrestle? [she grins, and her five chins wiggle]
Steiner [grimacing]: Er...yes?
Garnet: Wonderful! Then you won't mind giving me an erotic massage! [hands him a tiny bottle of oil]
Steiner: With this? ...Only this?
Garnet: Yes, that. What are you trying to say?
Steiner [looking back the way Blutzen exited]: N-nothing, highness! [gets down to bidness]
Garnet [halfway through a meatloaf]: Are you doing anything back there?
Steiner [rubbing her back]: Y-yes. *sob* Yes, highness. [more sounds of hopeless weeping]
Garnet: Call me pookie.
Beatrix: I'm sorry, your majesty, but he won't be calling you any pet names when I get done with him. He's going to be snacking on his teeth! [cracks knuckles]
Garnet: What? That sounds delicious. But regardless, he'd never have you, you brazen hussy!
Beatrix: Fatty, fatty, two by four.
Steiner: [hides]
Garnet: RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! [Garnet stands, toppling the dinner table]
Steiner: No! [Steiner moves to protect Beatrix, but he runs into one of Garnet's massive love handles, causing Garnet to lose her balance]
Garnet: I'll kill you one way or another!!!
[Garnet falls on Beatrix, who has her sword drawn. Both die.]
Steiner: Eep. Walk away slowly....
Author's Notes: This goofy little thing was inspired by Spaceballs, but you shouldn't hold that against Mel Brooks.