Chapter Two: Promise

I don't think I slept at all. Maybe I just fell in some kind of weird unconsciousness, the kind between a sleep and a problem. Or maybe I did sleep, but I can't remember. It doesn't really matter anyway.

You're awake, but I don't move. I'm afraid that if I move too soon, you will get annoyed with me and kick me out of the bed. And then I'll get hurt even worse.

I didn't move a single muscle as you sat up.

"Kaoru?" you ask, but I don't give an answer, "don't sleep to long, okay? I don't want to be late for school. I'll see you downstairs."

And with those words, you stand up. My eyes follow your movements, without you knowing that I am watching you. I'll wait until you're out of our room and I hear your footsteps going off the stairs.

You suddenly stop and you stare at the mirror. It's a large, almost outrageous thing that our mom placed in our room. 'To remember how cute you are' she laughed that day. I couldn't laugh about it. I don't want to laugh about it. Because sometimes, when you were hitting me, I could see it in the mirror. I could see every blow before it hit me, and it made me afraid. So deathly afraid.

"You're so pathetic" you suddenly mutter as you walk to our bed.

Damn, you must've seen I'm not really sleeping and now you're angry at me. I just hope that you won't hit me again. But you didn't do anything. You just refuse to look at me and grab the blanket.

"Tell mom I want that mirror out of the room and I want that today. Got that?" he says, his voice dangerous with malice.

He knows that I'm not sleeping, but he knows he can't hurt me, because I pretend I do. He knows that only in this game, I'm the winner. He knows that he just doesn't care enough about me to think it's abnormal. But, then again, everything about us is abnormal.

As you walk pass the mirror you throw the blanket over the mirror, completely covering it. I wonder what it is that you don't wanna see. Is it me? Is it the way I lay on the bed? Is it the way I'm trying to hide my face in my arms and cover my bruises? Or is it just that you can't look at my face, because you're so sick of me?

That must be it. You must be tired living with such a coward as me. And like that isn't enough, people always confuse you with me. That must hurt, I'm sure it does. Maybe that's why you started to abuse my face so much, because then they'll always know.

The bruised one is Kaoru. The one who's walking funny today again is Kaoru. The one with the plaster on his cheek is Kaoru. The one that is always fine is Hikaru. Since years we weren't able to play our game, the 'which one is Hikaru' game, because now everyone knows.

The one that looks like he's being beaten up everyday, yes, that one is Kaoru.

They won't confuse us now, Hikaru. You've made damn sure they won't anymore.

You're finally gone and I hear your footsteps going off the stairs. I wait another minute, just to make sure, and then I get up, too. I walk slowly to the bathroom and brush my hair. It's okay to bandage my arm now, and I clumsily do so. My whole body hurts, but I'm already used to that. My ribs still hurt like hell, and I lean forward. I close my eyes and try to breathe calmly and steadily, but it continues hurting. Maybe you've broken it. I really hope you didn't, because then mom will send me to a doctor as it gets worse, and then I have to lie. Maybe he'll even find out.

I finally catch my breath and walk to the place you left my clothes yesterday. I quickly inspect it, to make sure there are no stains of blood. How am I going to explain it if that happened? What am I going to say to Kyouya, or even Tamaki? I don't want to lie to them. I don't want to, because they've become my friends.

I walk off the stairs as normally and straight as I can, but it hurts. My ribs hurt so much, and every time I make one wrong gesture it's like I can't breath and I'm going to suffocate.

You're waiting for me, but you don't even look back to me. You don't even look back, like you always do, and say good morning to me, like you always do. You always did that, as if there hasn't happened anything the night before.

But this time you don't. You just push the door open and walk outside, without even looking at me.

"Hikaru!" I cal out. I start to run after you until I've caught up with you.

Oh God, it hurts so much. Breathing hurts so much. But I couldn't let you see that, so I just give you a small smile.

"Just shut up and get in the car, idiot" you say, throwing me in the car.

You've never reacted like this. Maybe you're just mad at me, because I've pretended to sleep. I didn't want to make you angry.

"I'm sorry…" I whisper, not knowing exactly what I was apologizing for.

"I told you to shut up!" you scream and your hand flies in the sky.

I stare at you, but I don't look scared. I am, though. I'm deathly afraid that you might hit me when someone else is looking. It's not like our driver would ever tell someone else, but it's just that I'm so ashamed of being hit when others look. If no one's looking, I don't really care. If it's just you and me, I guess I'm okay with it. But I really wish that you don't hit me when others are there.

Because then they would be mad at you, Hikaru. Then they would blame you.

Then they would separate us, for 'our own good'. Like they know anything about 'my own good.' They're just stupid, because they'll never understand us.

But you don't hit, your hand just balances there, between the roof of the car and my face. You just stare at the ground. You haven't looked at me. You haven't given me one look.

And that hurts. More than my ribs, my arm or my whole body.

"Please look at me" I whisper as I try to sound calm and controlled.

You look up a little, but still not at my face.

"I don't want to," you simply say.

"Ah… Then I'm sorry for asking" I reply, without a single trace of pain in my voice, even when I feel my heart being tear apart, slowly, but surely.

"Of course you are" your voice was laced with so much hate, that it scares me, "that's why you're so pathetic."

I almost want to apologize again, but I don't. I know it will only make you angrier. You'll just lose your nerve and hit me for real.

Your words repeat in my head.

I wonder how we've become like this. There was a time when we just loved each other, without problems, without this pain. We just were together and nothing could come between us. And now we're so close to falling down and apart. Now we have to kill ourselves so the other can live.

And that just never stops hurting.

It just keeps sucking the life out of me. It just kills me over and over again, and again, and again. There is no end to the road we're walking on. But I'll follow you, Hikaru, I'll follow you down this road of self-destruction. And when they'll ask me how I am today, I'll tell them I'm just fine.

The car stops, we're at school. You immediately step out of the car and I have to hurry to catch up with you. In my hurry, I make a wrong movement and my ribs hurt so much that I almost let out a scream. But I didn't, I never do, and I'm certainly not going to start with it now.

"Hikaru!" I say one more time and you stand still.

"Hurry up," you sigh, annoyed. "I don't want to be late."

You didn't use to care. You used to care only about me. I didn't say anything back and sped up a little more. Suddenly you grab my hand. Even that hurts, because you hold me so firm and strong that I think my blood circulation would stop and my hand would fall off or something. But I pretend like I'm okay. I just smile at you and at anyone who crosses our path. You don't even look at me. Normally you act normal at school, like we used to. That's why I've become to love school in an almost obsessive way. I love the Host Club even more, because only there you will actually say something nice to me again.

Even though, the look in your eyes is starting to scare me. One day, you were almost crying, but when I asked you about why you've beaten me up like you've never had before, that probably was the most painful moment of my life. You said you just wanted me to die, and you threatened to kill me as you tied me up to the bed. Then you grabbed your knife, that special, golden knife you once got a birthday present because we were all into the Middle Age back then. And then you walked to me, carving into my flesh like it was paper. You've never hurt me like you did back then.

Sadness, sorrow, almost disgust and fear is what I see when I look into your eyes when we're at the Host Club, when you hold me close. I think it's because I'm so pathetic, because I'm such an idiot. I can't help it, I really try to be perfect, you know.

"Hey, Hikaru-kun, Kaoru-kun," I hear a voice greeting.

"Hey Haruhi," Hikaru says.

I just smile at her, because speaking hurts my ribs.

"Woah!" Haruhi looks so surprised and worried, as she looks at me. "What happened to your face?"

"Oh" I shrug, "I just tripped and fell on the ground."

The fake smile comes upon my face again: "but Hikaru saved me just in time. So, it's not really bad."

Haruhi looks at me, and something in her eyes tells me that she just doesn't believe me. It's convincing, right? Okay, I do use that excuse a lot… almost every week once or even twice. It all depends on what happens to you and how I react.

"I see" Haruhi answers and I'm thankful as she changes the subject: "I hope Tamaki-senpai doesn't have any weird idea for us at the Host club..."

"I heard it was something tropical again. Hawaii, or something" Hikaru answered as he walked to his place, Haruhi sitting on hers.

I just followed, without really paying attention. The only thought that strokes me was how I was going to hide the bruises and the cuts if I had to walk around half naked.

"Tropical, again?" I ask, just to be sure.

"Hm, I don't for sure" Haruhi answers.

Haruhi… Hikaru can't even answer me anymore. I look at my desk, without saying anything.

"I thought it was the Police theme" Haruhi says then.

"Ah, can be true… Ah, yes, yes, today was the Police Theme. Tropical was just an idea, but Kyouya, well, he didn't like it so we didn't do it."

Haruhi laughs.

"Beware of the Shadow King!"

I remember that I used to laugh with that, completely in sync with Hikaru. I remember that I used to like Haruhi. But now I don't laugh anymore… and I don't like Haruhi anymore, either.

I don't like anything, anymore. And I only laugh because people expect me to laugh. But nothing's real anymore. You've destroyed my reality, but don't worry… I don't blame you.

Our teacher walks in and starts talking. I used to listen pretty carefully, even though it always seemed so boring, but now I don't listen at all, anymore. All I think about is how I'm going to hide the bruises, the cuts and the pain you've done to me. No one can know, no one can notice. They can't, because then they'll separate us. Then he'll kill me for sure.

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying, Hitachiin?" the teacher asks.

She always calls us by our last name, because she's just like everyone else and she can't tell us apart. But I think she's talking to me, so I look up and the look in her eyes tells me she was indeed talking to me.

"To be honest, no" I answer like I don't care. "Should I pretend I do?"

"You could try" she answers dryly. "Please continue from where I've left off."

I sigh. I already said I wasn't paying attention, so I don't get why she has to put me through the humiliation of not knowing where she left off. Usually Hikaru would write down on a paper where I had to start reading and carefully show me, but now he doesn't move at all. But that's okay, too, because I'm already used to being left behind.

This time it's Haruhi who helps me.

"Page sixty, third paragraph" she whispers.

I smile thankfully at her and start reading. I'm not really following what I'm saying, but it doesn't matter. I'll study a little harder at home… If Hikaru lets me, that is. I've noticed that he doesn't like it when I'm paying attention to something beside him. Whether it's a book, a human being, the TV, or even class, it doesn't matter. He just doesn't like it, so I don't do it.

After the teacher tells me to sit down again, I try to pay as much attention as much as I can, but it's really hard when my head pounded from being smashed against the wall yesterday, when breathing is so difficult and when you feel so sick. So damn sick. I feel like I'm going to bend over and start vomiting any second now.

I quickly raise my hand, but before the teacher even asks, I stand up and run out of the class. As I slam the door shut behind me, I can hear her ask what's wrong, and this time it's Hikaru who answers.

"He wasn't feeling really well, today… Should I go check?"

I can't hear the answer anymore because I'm already too far away. The hand for my mouth feels warm and the world turns more then I thought it could. Finally, I see the bathroom. With half closed eyes I lean over the toilet and throw up.

My ribs burn while I watch how my breakfast disappears in the toilet.

"… Are you… okay?" I hear a familiar voice asking.

I wonder how you can even ask that, while I'm so miserably on my knees, my hands clenched around the white stone and my eyes full of tears. I can only nod, because speaking will only cause me to puke again.

You slowly walk to me as you kneel beside me and place your arms around my shoulder.

"I'm… fine…" I can finally get myself to speak as I slowly back down and look at you.

You still avoid my eyes.

"I told them you were sick" you say, like there isn't anything else you should say.

"Ah, okay" I just answer. "I'm better now… I'll just get back to class."

"Kaoru…" you whisper, and if I didn't know better, I would've said that I've heard some kind of regret in your voice.

Regret? No, I don't believe you'll regret my state. I hope you don't. Oh, please, please don't feel sorry for me.

"I'm really okay," I say and I go through your red hair.

"That's good" you answer, as you stand up and reach your hand out for me.

Sometimes I think that you'll regret everything, sometimes I don't believe that you'll regret anything. This painful confusion is maybe even worse then the times you've abused me.

If you hate me, then I could maybe start to hate you, too.

If you love me, then everything is alright because I love you, too.

But if you can't decide, it's killing me.

I slowly take your hand and you pull me up. My ribs hurt, and it's like I'm going to suffocate. Only for a second, the pain is visible on my face, but you saw it. Your eyes widen and you ask, worried, "Kaoru, what's wrong?!"

"N-Nothing" I can't tell you it's because you hit me, right? I'm sure you'll be angry then, and this moment will be ruined.

I want to keep these moments as long as possible, because now I can almost believe there is nothing wrong and everything is like it's used to be.

"Don't lie," you reply, your voice sharp.

"I… fell this morning against the banisters… and now my ribs hurt a little" I explain.

"Don't lie!" you say, and you hit my face. But this time it isn't very hard.

Then what do I have to say? That it's your fault? That it hurts like hell and I think I might die from it? I don't believe that's a good idea. I don't think you will smile and apologize.

"Why don't you just say it, Kaoru? Just the truth, just like it is." You don't even sound sad.

"It's because you hit me in my ribs yesterday," I whisper, defeated again.

I can't win against you. You'll always win. You just have to look at me, hit me, say my name once more and I'll give up. I'm a quitter. I'm a loser. I'm not meant to win. I'm made for losing.

You keep silent for a while. For so long that I want to run away and never come back. You must hate me now for sure. I'm actually waiting for you to shout and punch me until I fall on the ground. Everything is better than this waiting for the storm, the silence I don't need. If you want to hit, then just hit me. I can live with the pain, but I can't live with the thought I might've hurt you.

But you don't move, you don't open your mouth to scream. You just stare at the ground.

"Let's… Let's go to the Host club…" you suddenly whisper, "We don't want to ask them what's wrong, right?"

"You're right" I confirm, completely stunned because you're not hitting me, but not stupid enough to stare at you like a moron would.

Because I'm sure that when I do, you would hit.

So now I just followed you, running behind you like a dog. Because that's all that I'm still for you. Or no, I think you'd treat your dog better then you're treating me.

You swing the doors open and smile to Haruhi, who's already there, trying to not be harassed by our Lord.

"Ah, Kaoru," she says as she walks to me, ignoring our Lord completely, "are you feeling better?"

"What happened to Kao-chan?" Honey asked immediately, balancing dangerously on his chair.

Like a reflex Mori put his hand behind the chair, to make sure Honey won't fall. It was the way Hikaru used to care for me too. Every time I did something that could be dangerous, he'd try to protect me. He used to try and protect me… but now the only one I need protection from is him. But that's okay… because I still love him.

"I was just not feeling really well" I say and I put up a fake smile again, "but it's all over now."

It's not and it won't be for a long time. My head still feels like it's going to explode and breathing is so painful that I can't stop thinking that it'd be easier if I just hold my breath until I suffocate and die. That would be so much easier. But I can't, I just have to keep pretending. Because if I die… I can't be with you anymore.

"Ah…" Honey says, "Then I won't ask you if you want some cake."

And he gives me that big, innocent smile again. I used to think that was rather cute and I used to feel a little better when he did. But now I don't feel anything when he does. It's just a smile. Just the movements of his upper lip. Just like a mechanical happening, but the warmth behind it has become too surreal to see it. His big, brown eyes widen a bit and he looks from me to Hikaru and back again. I swallow and hope, no, pray, that he doesn't see anything wrong. But he doesn't say anything; he just turns back to his cake and continues eating as he let his chair fall back.

Immediately Mori removes his hand and watches the little boy eat.

We used to love each other like that too. There was a time when watching you sleep, or watching you eat could make my whole day happy again.

"Hikaru, Kaoru," Kyouya says, "Your clothes are over there."

"Ah, ok… Kaoru, you go change first," you order.

I don't ask, I just give a short nod and pick up the clothes. As I reach for the clothes, I guess I made a wrong movement again, and my eyes widen in pain.

"Kaoru? Kaoru, are you okay?" Tamaki immediately asks.

"Sure!" I smile, as lively as I can, but my breathing becomes heavy.

My eyes slide to your face as in a reflex, but you're just talking with Honey about something. It's better that way, it's better that you don't see. Before our Lord can ask any more questions I run to the changing room. I take a deep, painful breath and lean against the wall until I catch my breath again.

I no longer wonder if the pain will ever end. I no longer think about how we got this way and why this has happened to us. I can only think about how I'm going to lie again and how, after all, I get to be with you.

As I finally catch my breath again and the pain fades a little, I start with taking off my clothes, every movement made in anguish, so very careful to keep my ribs from hurting again. I manage to change without all too much pain.

A part of me is happy that you didn't come with me, so you don't have to see my pain and I don't have to pretend that I don't feel any… but the other part of me is so very, very afraid and screaming this is wrong. Maybe I've done something to make you mad at me, but even then you usually just hit me or tell me once again how stupid I am, but you won't go ignoring me completely.

I really hope that you will start looking again at me, soon. I can survive with the pain, the shame, the humiliation and even with the mindless fear every second, but I just cannot survive without you. That is simply impossible.

"Eh?! Is there something wrong between you and Kaoru?" I hear our Lord asking. "You usually change together."

"I don't remember me and Kaoru changing together being a rule" you answer uninterested.

Quick, so our Lord won't ask any further, I put on the last of the accessories and walk back again.

"Your turn, Hikaru" I say as normally as I can.

You walk pass me and still you don't give me a single look. It must be your new 'thing'. You have these things you suddenly decide to try until it becomes a habit. You always try new ways to hurt me, because we were easily bored back then and I guess you still are. Even hurting your little brother must become quiet and boring after some time.

But it's okay, because now it hurts like hell, but it will fade away after some months. Then I'll be okay in my mindless world, where feeling nothing at all has become a habit. It will stop hurting eventually. Until you find a new way to hurt me.

You know everything about me and therefore there is nothing on earth that could hurt me more then you do. My every weak points, every button to push. You know everything and you use it all against me.

"Kaoru?"

"Hm?" I answer, more as a reflex then as a sign I'm actually listening.

"You and…"

But Honey doesn't let him end his sentence as he cheerfully interrupts: "Ne, Tama-chan! Wouldn't Haruhi look cute in a pink dress with purple flowers! You could make a dress like that!"

Immediately our Lord chases off to Haruhi and starts bothering her. I shoot Haruhi an apologizing look for letting her baby sit on our Lord for a while.

In all silence I thank Honey as he happily resumes whatever he was doing.

But I'm also afraid he might've noticed something. Even when he isn't close to the truth, it's dangerous to continue living here then. If he knows, even the slightest bit, I should change schools.

Hikaru could stay here in Ouran… Or he could come with me and continue this life. We could go somewhere where no one knows us, and just think it all natural.

But nothing is real anymore. Every breath, every gesture, every sign of emotion and even my words are all calculated now, carefully thought through before even thinking of acting. I'm nothing more than a coward, a pathetic liar, running because he wants to stay.

This is what you made me, Hikaru, this is what I've become.

But I don't blame you… I'll just continue blaming myself.

"Well it's time to open the doors" Kyouya says after a look on the clock on the wall, "Kaoru, could you get your brother?"

I'm scared to death to do so, but I know I can't refuse. If I refuse, they'll start asking for sure, and with Honey's acts today I should be twice as careful… just in case he might suspect something, anything at all.

All I can do now is nod and walk to the room where you're changing clothes. When I reach it, I just stare at the door for a few moments, taking a few breaths before I can come up with the courage to slowly raise my hand and knock on the door silently, while I'm hoping that you won't hear.

"Yes?" I hear you say, "What is it?"

"Kyouya asked me to get you…" I explain as a push the door open a little, my heart racing in my throat.

You turn your head a little, your T-shirt still off, while you're standing in front of the mirror. In the instant I walk in, you lower your arm and hide it behind your back, but I don't get why.

"Oh, I'm sorry" I apologize, even though we used to change together and I've seen a lot more then just your naked upper body.

I turn my head to the mirror, not even expecting an answer back. I just want to look at you. I just want to pretend like I'm looking away, while I'm still looking at your body. I just want to act like I used to. The only difference was that you knew was that I was looking at the mirror, and you purposely took off your clothes as slowly as you could.

"Don't worry" you say while you laugh that laugh you used to laugh so many times before this all happened. "You've seen a lot more of me then this.

I give you a small, shy smile, my cheeks instantly colouring a subtle red. I'm not able to give you a good answer, stunned at your sudden change. But I'm not stupid enough to ruin it. I'm not stupid enough to let you see I'm surprised. If you're going to act like this for a while, then I'll just praise my luck and enjoy while it last.

My eyes are still focused on the mirror, as you put on your clothes.

You're beautiful, flawless, the closet things to perfection I'll ever witness. Everybody says we're identical, but I don't think we are. My skin is full of scars, bruises and other unhealed wounds. We're no longer the same, because you ended it that night you first beat me. You locked the gates once again and closed the path to another world. And I ran as far as I could, to hide inside that world. That world only we exist in and everyone else is just a bother, like the animals in the zoo; watched, played with, laughed at and then forgotten.

You move your arm a little and my eye falls on a cut on the inside of your arm.

"Hikaru!" I almost yell, too concerned to be scared, I don't even give you the time to react as I grab your wrist and lift up your arm.

My eyes widen as I stare at the cut. Thousand questions whirl through my mind. It's pretty deep and it looks like it happened recently.

"What happened?" I whisper.

"Ah… I," you look down at the cut and my hand on your arm.

I'm afraid you'll hit me again, punch me in my face, but you don't. You just continue staring at the cut, like your searching for the right words to say, or for the right place to punch.

"That's just a small cut. Please don't worry about it."

"Who did that?" I know you hate questions, but I don't care if you punch me to death. I only care about you.

"I did," the whispered answer sounds.

"Why?!" and I'm scared, so deathly, awfully scared.

"My sweet Kaoru?" you start and I almost believe I really died and this is my last dream on earth. My best dream on earth.

You softly lay your hand on the back of my head and your other hand caresses my cheek. I slowly look up and my eyes widen as I see you smiling. The most sad, yet most beautiful smile decorates your face. And it's directed at me, it's not an act. It's not fake, because there are no girls around.

This is real. I know, because it can't be.

You pull me a little closer and softly lay my head on your shoulder. I can feel our hearts beat in the exactly same rhythm. I can feel your body against mine. I can breathe in your scent, which is drugging my mind. We are once again surrounded by love and magic. We are once like we used to be.

You arms hold me in a loving embrace.

"You're too innocent to carry my world on your shoulder. My pain isn't yours. Your beautiful mind shouldn't be worried about my problems. I'm the only one who can end or start it, so please don't worry about it, my beloved brother."

"I really want to help you," I'm no longer afraid, because you're acting like you used to. You're back… even when it might end any second. "Please share your pain with me."

You take a step backward, holding my hands tight, your eyes fixed on our hands. For a moment there is silence, complete, magical silence.

"Just stay with me, Kaoru," and a single tear slides down your cheek, while you give me a sad smile. "As long you stay with me, everything will be alright."

"Then I'll stay with you," I promise and I carefully wipe away your tear. "No matter what happens, no matter what will come, I'll stay by your side. Forever."

And with those words I sealed myself in this world of pain. With those words I handed you the key to the gate you locked so you can throw it away. With those words I made my destiny inescapable.

"Forever," you repeat.

You smile one of those sad, sorrowful smiles and you lean a little closer, placing a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Until death do us part," you add.

I'm too far gone in this world of sweet, magic tenderness and hopeful, discouraged love that I can't even think about the depth of that promise. I just look in your brown eyes and repeat the words you just said. We keep silent for a while, just staring at each other souls.

Everything you've done to me, every cut, every bruise and even all those painful words you repeat over and over again and I'm finally starting to believe, is forgotten. It's just simply impossible for me to be angry or unforgiving when you're smiling at me.

"Let's go back," you grin, "and let some girls faint!"

I only nod and follow you, like I always do.

"But Hikaru took good care of me, so it's all right. It doesn't hurt."

It's been my answer for months, but they still buy it. They must be stupid; they're probably not even listening to what I'm saying. I think they only look at my fake embarrassed and yet so-full-of-love look. And then they scream, faint of tell us how cute we are together.

We aren't cute together, we are meant to be together.

And as an answer to the words, you pull me close and tell me how you failed as the older brother because I got hurt.

It's so stupid. If I tell them I fell, how the hell could you stop that? It just doesn't make any sense, but that's nothing new. They'd buy it, they'd scream for it, so we just continue telling nonsense.

"Hikaru…" I whisper in response, looking as dramatic as I can, "I cannot be hurt when you're near me. As long as you stay with me, everything will be alright."

I usually don't add anything, but saying the same things over and over is simply annoying. I just couldn't help myself to repeat that new made promise again. I can never help myself, I always need you.

"Then I'll stay with you" you whisper. "Forever."

Don't you ever break that promise, Hikaru. Don't you ever dare to leave me alone after today. Please don't, because I couldn't bear it.

"Kyaaaaaa!" it goes, but we're just not paying attention.

It's funny at first, and then becomes quite annoying, but then it's just forgotten, pushed at the background.

"Ne, Kaoru?" a girl suddenly asks.

"Natsumi?" I answer, as I look up at the blonde girl with the bright, almost orange eyes.

A blush colors her face, only because I remember her name. She's just one of those stupid girls, but I should remember, since she's our regular client from the start.

"Don't you like my cake?" she asks, as she points at the plate she gave me earlier.

I've hoped that she forgot about it. They usually do forget if I just start talking about something else. My ribs still hurt awfully much and I felt so terribly sick. Most of the time I just let it be, pricking a little so it looks like I ate, then giving it to Honey after we closed. He eats everything that looks like cake and he never asks why I don't eat it, so it has become a habit that I give him my cake after.

"Of course he does!" you answer in my place, suddenly.

I look up, but I don't even think about protesting. I just nod and smile. She's just a stupid girl. Just a very, very stupid girl. So what if I don't eat from her cake, that's not the end of the world. But just to not hurt her feelings, I eat a little piece of her cake, smiling to her. I force myself to swallow and only the sweetness of the cake and the amount of sugar makes my stomach turn. But still, I swallow and force myself to not throw up a second time. Then she smiles and Hikaru starts telling another story.

I survived, made her happy and obeyed Hikaru's silent order. Everything is alright and the Host Club activities continue.

The last girl waves at our Lord and then walks out the door. She closes it behind her and a sigh escapes my lungs.

"Well then" Kyouya says after typing something on his laptop and shutting it down. "I'm going home."

Without any more words he stands up and walks away. He's mostly the one who's gone first. Well, if you're Kyouya, I assume your life is pretty busy. Or maybe he just wants to be as far from our Lord for as long as possible.

"Uh… I'm going too…" Haruhi says suddenly.

I look up and see the dark, rainy clouds. It's probably going to storm soon. Haruhi must know that, too. It's kind of stupid, in my opinion, for Haruhi to be scared of thunder. She's not moved or shocked by anything, but a few lightening flashes brings her to the point of crying. It's just stupid and pathetic.

But who am I to say anything about being pathetic?

Haruhi quickly gathers her stuff, changes clothes, mutters some kind of goodbye to us and runs more than she walks out the door. The poor kid has to go home by foot. I don't think she lives that far from school, but if it starts to rain… and thunder…

"Ne, Lord" you say, "shouldn't you follow her and bring her home? It's going to thunder soon."

"You're right! I must save my precious daughter!" I'm sure he could've said that without the dramatic poses and the voice.

Soon after that he runs after her too and I can hear him screaming in the hallway for Haruhi to stop and let 'daddy' take care of her. I think this must be the only time Haruhi actually reacts positive on something he says.

"Ne, Kao-chan, Kao-chan?" a cheerful voice next to me says. "Can I have your cake please?"

"Ah, sure, go ahead" I smile and push my plate in his direction.

I don't think that was a good idea, because pain flashes through my body and my eyes widen.

"Kao-chan?"

I open my mouth and gasp for air, that refuses to fill my lungs allow me to breathe. I scold myself for being so stupid and careless.

"Kao-chaaaan!" I think he's crying, or nearly about to.

Small, black spots dance, whirl and hop around before my eyes. I'm still helplessly gasping for air that refuses to come.

From a distant, so far, far away from the depths I'm falling in, I think I hear Honey shouting something to Hikaru about getting help, about what is going on. But it could be just the rain outside, or the sound of a clock ticking. I just don't know. I'm too far separate from reality to still know.

I see some faceless persons, with names I don't seem to remember. Then suddenly my legs refuse to carry me any longer. The floor is cold.

I gasp and gasp. My lungs feel like they're going to explode, like they're being slowly ripped apart. But I can't fight it. I don't know how. I don't know why.

Because only death can part us… and I want to stay with you.

"Takashi! Call an ambulance!"

I think the panicking voice belongs to Honey, but I'm not sure anymore.

"Don't" but I do recognize that voice.

It belongs to my beloved brother.

"Have you lost your mind?! If we don't help him then he'll die! He's suffocating! We should help him!"

"He won't die," you simply state.

You sound so sure, but I don't think I am, but I can't react on anything. I simply lay on the floor, gasping for air. Black spots fill my sight until I can only see darkness. I feel all the energy, the life of me that is left, slipping away.

And then the pain ends and I give up the hopeless fight.

Then it all ends and I can only hope someone will pick me from the floor and keep me alive, so that I can stay with you a little longer.

Until death do us part, Hikaru.

First -I'm going to forget otherwise and that would be awfull- ... All the credit my awesome Beta Hoenn deserves!

She is really awesome! She just asked me if she could help me and now she beta'd my story! Yaay! No more idiotic spelling mistakes! All thank to her! Give her a big tddy bear, coca-cola and a hug! I've almost stalking her and she doesn't even mind! Yaaaay! She's sooooooo incredibly cool.

Hoenn's ideas for my story: it was her idea to let Kaoru collapse after the Host Club hours with only Hikaru, Mori and Honey left there. The reason Tamaki and Haruhi left were also her ideas. Other then that, she suggested the 'Hikaru refuses to look at Kaoru, and Kaoru goes ANGST' theme. This will be running through the few next chapter too... untill -stops, aint gonna spoil anything XD-

Hoenn, thank you for being so competely cool! -insert cheerleader dance for Hoenn here-

And here comes the irritating thoughts of Jazyrha:

Jeeej! Second chapter! Woah, this sure is long -compared to the usual lenghts of my chapters, that is- and I'm sorry it took so long to get it up. Well, for the people who liked it up so far be happy: I'm adding a lot more chapters -I think the total will be around 6 or 7- Hm, I don't have to say much about this anymore. Other than I'm completely killing Kaoru! It's soooooo saaaaaad that I'm doing this to him! Heheh... but it does make an awesome story line -insert evil laugh here- He'll just have to be hurt a little longer. And oh, he didn't die at the end... just so you now... XD Aaaah, I love that promise so much: 'until death do us part'. Wee! Okay, it's kinda scary in their situation, but hey, he knooooowss! He's just weird so he doesn't care. Oh, and sorry for the weird language use -or so I call it- when Hikaru finally started to be nice to Kaoru once again. Heheh, also sorry for making Hikaru such a psycho with way too sudden mood swings.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I wanted to tell you this: headaches and throwing up are signs of abuse. It's the constant stress -and of course the psychical pain- that causes these things. They're the first symptones, even when there are no injuries who could cause that. Oh, and I know this because my mom has a lot of books about child abuse and stuff -she wanted to help them, so she had to know all the symptones and after effects- and I can't help myself but reading them. A very, very low self-esteem is also a sign of abuse, lower grades, spacing out, being absent at school for long times, never anticipating in sports activities, and I could go on.

Meh, I just wanted to tell you that I know what I'm writing about and I'm not making up these symptones to make it sound more dramatic.

[Did you know that urinate in your bed is also a sign of abuse? ... Maybe I should use that one in my story XD

Oh... and to everyone: I'm not making fun of anyone in this kind of -probably less dramatic- situation. So don't kill me or flame me or hate or whatever because I said those things. I'm just a way too talkative girl who thinks everyone is interested in her knowledge.

Please review and tell me what you think! Ideas are still welcome!!!!

Yaay, until the next Kaoru-Torturing chapter!