The next day when I woke up in my coffin, the usual routine occurred as I described a few chapters ago. This time, though, I thought I was blind, and my good friend Willow slammed the coffin door in my face only 61 times, a new record!
In the Great Hall, I ate some food and drank some holy water. Then someone bumped into me and I looked to see who it was. It was Harry Potter.
"Why the fuck are you sitting on the GRYFFINDOR table," he said, emphasizing the words 'on' and 'Gryffindor'.
"Because the Slytherin's don't want me," I said cheerfully.
"What a shock," he said sarcastically.
"I know," I said, not sensing the sarcasm, "They are usually just delighted to have me around, I don't understand why they've changed their mind."
"Well can you go somewhere else, your sitting on the ham," Harry grumbled.
"Well sure," I said brightly. I stood up and walked over to the Slytherin table, not noticing the piece of ham stuck to my butt. When Draco saw me coming he yelled "PROFESSOR SNAPE!" he screamed.
"Hey there Draco baby," I said just as Snape appeared behind me and tapped on my shoulder. I spun around and saw Snape holding his medieval flail again.
"Say hello to my little friend," Snape growled lifting the flail up.
"HI!" I said.
Snape rolled his eyes and hit me 75 times, then he gave it to Draco and he hit me 631 times. Now I'm nothing more than blood and broken bones, ha ha, what a pleasant ending.
After that small predicament I went up to Draco and said, "Hey wanna go up to my room and have sex."
"FUCK NO!" he screamed at me.
"Okey doke, last one there's a rotten egg," I said cheerfully.
"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM," he screamed.
"I'll tell you if you have sex with me," I said.
"NO WAY! I may have fallen for that last time BUT NOT AGAIN."
"Hey what's that on your arm," I said, pointing a skull with a snake slithering out of the mouth.
"It's my tattoo, cause I'm… umm… seeing someone else," said Draco.
"Let me guess, it's that STUPID HARRY POTTER," I screamed.
Dracos face quickly turned to disgust, but then he regained his serious look and said, "Yes, I didn't want to tell you this way, but now that you know, there's nothing I can do."
I was hurt, how could my Draco do that to me. Just as I turned around to go confront Harry he said, "Wait a sec."
I turned around smiling, and then he said "Almost forgot," he got close to me, pulled a knife out and stabbed me seven times in the face. Isn't he just adorable?
So I walked into the potions classroom and said, "HARRY, HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND DRACO!"
Harry looked up at me, a revolted look on his face.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Harry asked.
"My Draco baby would NEVER lie to me, DON'T act like you don't know anything, he LOVES spending time with me and would never make something up to get me away," I screamed.
"He hates you dumbass," said Harry.
"Humph, just stay away from my Draco you no good dirty rotten… poopy head," I said.
"Whatever you say, now leave," said Harry, going back to his potion.
I started to walk out when it hit me like a train, I HADN'T GOTTEN KILLED IN THIS CHAPTER!! Finally! I started to skip down the hallway humming merrily.
"HEY! MARY!" someone yelled from behind. I turned around and it was that filthy HARRY POTTER, and he was holding his cauldron, with a bubbling green potion in it.
"What do you want," I growled.
"Professor Snape told me I did a terrible job with my potion, and he told me to dispose of it, so here you go," and with that, he threw the contents of his potion all over me. Then suddenly, I disintegrated… well… maybe next time.
I was in the Forbidden Forest crying, so sad that Draco had cheated on me, when I heard a voice say to me.
"Kill the boy, he cheated on you with your boyfriend, so kill him," the voice said quietly.
I looked around awestruck that he knew I had a boyfriend and I asked "Do you have telekinesis?"
The quiet voice said, "You dumbass, its called telepathy."
"I'm pretty sure its telekinesis," I said knowingly.
A dictionary came flying out of the trees and hit me in the head, "Ow!" I complained.
I opened the dictionary and flipped to the T section. I frowned and stated, "You rigged this book."
The voice sighed and said "Look, kill the boy, or I kill Draco, ok?"
"What's in it for me?" I said.
"Uhh… You won't die in this chapter?" the voice offered.
"Seriously! OK!" I said, smiling happily. I got up to go kill Harry, when I heard a groaning sound, I looked up and said, "Oh darn."
One of the trees wobbled and then fell. I laughed, as it had missed me. Suddenly, the tree stood itself back up and tried again, this time it hit me, and crushed my skull, spilling out my brains.
I was so depressed, I had died AGAIN… it really affected my daily performance, so when I went to rehearse with my Polka band, the Flying Accordions, I was too depressed to play my accordion well. My band consists of Joeberta, Angus, Manfred, and me. Finally I started crying and Joeberta asked me what was wrong, I told her what happened, and I was going to find Draco and tell him gently.
"DRACO!" I screamed as I ran down the hallways.
I heard some scrambling, and someone say "Quickly into the broom closet."
I had a feeling it was Draco, he always acted like he didn't want me around, what a kidder.
I opened the broom closet and Draco was in there with Crabbe and Goyle. All three were crammed together, and when Draco saw he screamed "GOD DAMNIT!"
"Baby, I have some bad news," I shut my eyes to suppress my tears, and when I reopened them, Draco was gone.
I decided I would find him later so I walked down the hall towards the Great Hall, when Dumbledore walked up to me and he had tears in his eyes.
"Draco killed himself, he said he wanted to get away from you and that he would do anything it takes to do it," said Dumbledore, fighting back a sniffle.
"Dumbledore, don't be sad, Draco was a great person, yes, but I thi-" I was cut off as Dumbledore silenced me.
"It's not that, these are tears of anger. He died, leaving us poor Hogwartians stuck with YOU!" he said yelling the last word. With that Dumbledore ran off crying.