Clench fist, unclench fist. Stretch fingers out as far as they can go. Repeat twenty times. Switch hands. Repeat twenty times. Rest.
Shepard slumped back against her pillows, her hands tingling with invigorated circulation. It had been almost two weeks since she started work with Mohane, the salarian who had donned the cape of physical therapist for the wounded commander. He was, he explained, a survivor of the assault on Virmire. He regarded her with a strange mixture of hero-worship and medical professionalism that made him aggravating much of the time. He also insisted that Shepard spend more time sleeping, eating and resting rather then driving ahead at her exercises so she could get out of the damn hospital bed.
"If you push yourself too hard, you'll just wind up in this bed even longer." He'd pointed out this morning. He was frustrated with her, that much was evident from the way he rapidly blinked his huge eyes. The stripes of white that went down his nose and throat reddened, something like a human flush. He did that a lot.
"I can't stand another minute of this room." She insisted, slamming her fist on the bed weakly. It barely made a sound.
"We could get you a wheel chair, if you really need to get out of here." He'd volunteered.
She'd laughed at that. "Yeah right, like that's really an option." Commander Shepard in a wheelchair? She got the Hero of the Galaxy treatment enough without a heart-breaking injury to make her tragic too. No thank you.
He sighed, his throat flaming pink. Packed up and left, so Shepard was alone again as she was much of the time. She hadn't thought to allow any extra visitors and discouraged those that had clearance anyway. Doctor Chakwas and Liara came twice a day at least, to feed her because the nerves and muscles were still re-learning basic motor function and she was too clumsy to feed herself. To bathe her because she was too weak to take a shower. To... clean her because she couldn't even get to the bathroom. She found it all supremely humiliating, despite how desperately they tried to make it easier. She didn't want anyone to see her like this.
She closed her eyes. There was nothing more to do. She'd run through her exercises all morning, countless circuits of minute stretches that would rebuild her muscles bulk and memory. They were exceedingly boring in every way imaginable, but better than staring blankly at walls. She had never, in all her time on the ship, thought to upload any favourite movies, books or games into the computer system like some of the other crew members. They had brought some of her books but they were old-fashioned, sentimental memories of her parents that she'd never actually read. When she tried to handle them her arms and wrists rapidly tired from the weight. Her fingers fumbled the pages, making the whole experience more awkward. She abandoned the pursuit in disgust. They were probably all boring anyway.
The vids didn't interest her either, half of them being speculation regarding her mysterious sabbatical. It seemed that most of the galaxy thought she was dead. She almost wished she was. She culd feel pressure building in her bladder and doubted Liara or Doctor Chakwas would be back in time to help her to the bathroom. Her cheeks burned with preemptive shame.
Settling back Shepard closed her eyes with determination. Lately sleep had become her only respite from the crushing weight of reality, when it wasn't sprinkled with dreams. They had explained what had happened, that Kaidan had been mis-reported as MIA after he was wounded in one of the hundreds of minor skirmishes against the Reapers through the Keppler Verge. At the time, a bureaucratic status change had been low on the Alliance's list of priorities. He had just been officially upgraded to 'living' a week ago.
And yet, when she dreamt of Ash turning to stone and her long fall through darkness inhabited only by the ghosts of her victims he was always there, always benevolent and smiling faintly, and his face lingered beyond all the others, for what seemed like an eternity. There were fewer dreams without the morphine, but they never disappeared all together. She sighed, drawing air deep into her diaphragm and trying to clear her mind. Thinking about Kaidan before going to sleep was just inviting the nightmares. If she kept this up she would be chasing Kaidan through her dreams all day. And since she refused to let the real man see her, that would be very unfair.
At length, the lines of stress on her forehead smoothed, her breathing slowed and grew even. She slept, and thankfully did not dream.
*
"Come to try again, Alenko?" Wrex grumbled from his seat by the door. The krogan had been almost impossible to move for the last couple weeks, keeping close tabs on any who attempted to enter the medical centre. Every time Kaidan tried to get in, just to sneak a peek, make sure everything was okay, he was there, his scaled lips quirked in a wide grin as he rested his shotgun across his knees. "Are we going to do this every day?"
Kaidan hadn't like the krogan when he'd worked with him eight years ago and he didn't like him now. Even knowing that he probably thought he had Shepard's best interests in mind, Kaidan couldn't help but hate him a little bit as he stopped in front of the door. One hand in his pocket, he ran his fingers through his thick, dark hair and sighed.
"She's going to have to see me sometime, Wrex. She approved my addition to the crew for godsake." He put his other hand in his pocket, trying to glean some sort of emotion from the giant alien. No such luck, Wrex's eternal expression of bored amusement remained.
"Shepard's administrative mistakes are her own business. She doesn't have to see you until she wants to Alenko. And she's made it pretty clear she doesn't." Wrex settled back and promptly started ignoring him.
"What do you mean, her 'administrative mistakes'?" Kaidan asked, anger sparking in his cool hazel eyes.
"Maybe humans have different definitions of loyalty, but a krogan commander never would have let a crew member who jumped ship back on board. It's hard enough to trust someone the first time, the second time... well..." The krogan shrugged as though he didn't need to explain and Kaidan's anger burned hotter.
"You don't know me." He replied. "You don't know anything about me, or why I left."
"It's true I don't." Wrex replied, sounding annoyed as though Kaidan was dragging the conversation past its reasonable ending. "All I know is that you and the commander were close as soldiers could be, friends who ate together, lived together, fought together, lost friends and mourned together. This is the most noble bond two sentient beings can have. Then you left, walked away in the middle of a war. And when she says she doesn't want to see you I can't find any reason why I shouldn't enforce that request. With bullets."
The sudden sparkle of rage in Wrex's small, dark eyes took Kaidan by surprise. He wasn't used to the alien having any identifiable emotions. He swallowed, rubbed the back of his next. "I guess I get your point. I'll wait until she's ready." He paused. "Why do you care so much Wrex? You never seemed to care about anything before."
"She's a warrior, so am I. And besides," the krogan looked away, feigning boredom and casual distraction, "Shepard's my friend."
Kaidan paused, unsure of what to say. He didn't think he'd ever heard a krogan use that word before. He had never expected it to come out of Wrex, certainly. But then, Shepard and Wrex had been together through a lot. Ash had died, Garrus had gone back to C-Sec, Tali had finished her Pilgrimage and returned to her people and the flotilla. He had 'jumped ship'. The only two that had stayed for the whole war were Liara and Wrex, eight years of steady combat together. Of course they were friends. Of course Liara was avoiding him. Of course they hated him. How could they not?
"Will you tell her I want to see her though?" Kaidan asked.
"Maybe. When it seems like a good idea." There was a definite air of finality to his words.
"Thanks." Kaidan headed back toward the mess, studying his feet. The krogan had given him all too much to think about.
*
"Liara, the Normandy has an on-board locator. I know you're in there." Kaidan said, knocking at the door to the engine room again. He heard a dramatic sigh of irritation, and finally the door slid open and the slim asari emerged, giving him a look that could curdle vinegar. He had never given her much thought, after the confrontation in the comm room where he'd forced Shepard to pick between the two of them. There had never been rivalry, never been so much as mutual acknowledgement of each others existence. They had never even gone on a mission together.
But the emotions he saw simmering in her violet eyes were poisonous with their withering force. 'This woman really does not like me.' Kaidan thought as he straightened up, unsure of how he should approach this conversation.
"So I guess you probably agree with Wrex, when it comes to me." He tried. Her expression betrayed nothing beyond her initial distaste for him. She put down the tool box she had been carrying and wiped her hands on a grease rag.
"Wrex and I do not agree on much, but there are some things that even world views as different as ours can stand shoulder to shoulder on. Do I agree with everything he says? No, I do not. But he has the general idea down fairly well." She stepped out of the hallway onto the main floor. Their lockers were lined up neatly against the far wall, the Mako crouched across the room with a cloth tossed over it for the moment. The ramp was down, guarded by the two new marines Shepard had added to her crew. One of them, a small blond woman with a loud laugh had been doing most of his old work, but she shifted just as easily into repairing the weapons sensors and re-syncing the gun systems. She was relatively young, or so he'd thought until he realized she was a year older than him when he'd begun his career on the Normandy. But she was the only person who bothered to talk to him outside of a polite wave so he considered her a friend of sorts. Her companion today was the new Lieutenant, a tall man with silver in his black hair and beard, and biotic abilities that were impressive to say the least. They chatted as though unaware of the enormous age difference. The comradery of soldiers who trusted each other. No such love here.
"Look, I'm not going to ask you to forgive me." Kaidan started.
"There's nothing I need forgive you for." Liara replied mechanically. Kaidan frowned at her.
"Whatever. I just want to know how Shepard's doing. Wrex won't tell me anything, and I'm... worried." He knew it was a mistake the second he said it, but Liara controlled her obvious anger with expert finesse.
"You're worried are you?" She asked. "Shepard is doing well. She's surpassing her physical therapist's expectations and suffering no ill effects from the morphine. Aside from chronic boredom, all seems well at this point."
Kaidan blinked. "You actually told me." He said dumbly. She managed to smile.
"Yes, Kaidan, I actually told you. I... am angry. I do not understand why you did what you did. But I am willing to believe that you might have done it for some reason you believed was good. I am not Wrex, I don't hate people for their mistakes. But I am no longer naive either. There is no room for it in this world." She sighed, heading for the elevator, her shoulders rolling stiffly under her uniform.
"But don't expect me to become some sort of spy for you. She chimed over her shoulder as she waited for the elevator. "She said she doesn't want to see you, and she said it for a reason. I respect her decision." Kaidan nodded and looked away. The elevator came and then he was alone on the lower deck. After a moment, he headed back up to crew quarters and slept until his next shift.
*
"Liara." Shepard's call brought the asari from her office with a quizzical look on her face.
"Yes Shepard?"
"I hate to ask, but could you..." The commander hesitated, looked away. "Maybe..." There was an awkward pause before the asari understood what was happening. Even after all these years she'd never understood the human desire, no the desperate human need, to be completely independent at all times. Among her people such a request between friends like them would have been carried out with love and comfort. Helping Shepard relieve herself was painful for both of them, for Shepard because of the shame she felt and for Liara because there was nothing she could do to make it go away. When she had secured the woman back in her bed she paused, wondering if it was appropriate for her to ask questions such as the one that had been brewing in her all afternoon.
"Commander, can I ask you something? Something... personal?" She asked timidly. Shepard, who had been staring at the ceiling vacantly turned her grey eyes to Liara, a frown furrowing her brow.
"It's been a long time since you had to ask me if it was okay to ask a question." She said, pushing herself up on her elbows without too much trouble so she could readjust one of her pillows. She had a lot of energy today, but with no way to move about and release it, it inevitably dissolved into white noise and a short attention span.
"I don't-" Liara paused, realizing that she shouldn't finish her sentence. She didn't need to really, she saw it finish itself in Shepard's eyes. I don't want to upset you. I don't want to make you uncomfortable when you're so broken. Because I feel sorry for you, because I pity what has become of your body. "I don't want to presume." The cover didn't work, but it allowed their conversation to continue.
"What is it?"
"Why don't you want to see Lieutenant Alenko?" She started at the look that Shepard gave her, the apathy of her predicament swept away in a tempest of raw emotion. She looked away after a moment, unable to meet Liara's eyes.
"It's not that I don't want to see him." She replied. "I just... I don't want him to see me like... this." She gestured at the length of her withered frame under the thin sheets. "I don't want to see him feeling sorry for me."
Liara bit her lip, realizing just how painful her previous fumble must have been for her friend. She nodded her understanding and leaned forward, planting a kiss of love and friendship on the commanders brow. Not a sign of pity this, but a passing of good feelings and love from one being to another. Shepard understood. She had spent enough time around the asari to recognize the basic tenants of their remarkable culture.
"I don't think the Lieutenant is stupid enough to pity you." Liara whispered, squeezing her hand before she hurried out of the room. As the door slid shut behind her Shepard didn't dare believe what the asari said might be true. Kaidan was just like the others, she had convinced herself that this must be true. She leaned back and closed her eyes.
Sleep came to distract her, as it always did.