Regret
We always wonder what we could have said, what we could have done, it's not until we lose or do the wrong thing and someone pays for our foolishness do we realize how wrong we were and all were left with is a sinking feeling in our souls
"Al! Al! Alphonse!"
Ed limped down another alley holding his left side tightly but gently so the automail wouldn't cause more harm, blood was staining the metal fingers.
He had to find him! He had to he couldn't lose Al again!
He just couldn't.
Cold chilled him to the bones and the automail wasn't helping right now, hospital clothes already soaked clean through and blotches of red littering them. Golden hair limp around his shoulders as ever step was the hardest thing in the world and the pain was excruciating.
But who was he to even complain when it was his fault that his little brother was stuck in an unfeeling suit of armor, he deserve everything he felt.
Tripping for the umpteenth time both from physical and emotional weariness as well as the rain slicken path he felt his wounds scream as he bit back a moan.
He didn't make a move to pick himself up though because another thought had entered his mind.
What if Al didn't want to see him?
Didn't his little brothers actions just confirm what he'd known all along, that his brother hated him and blamed him for his current body.
Heck Al had practically thrown him away like some old rag, why was he even searching when Al had released any claims of being his brother, of ever caring about him or being his family.
Why did it hurt so much when he always knew Alphonse hated him?
"Because now I can't lie to myself anymore" he muttered into his metal arm, it hurt too much to move the flesh one.
He felt the sudden rush of heat behind his eyes as he took in a large gulp of air, he wasn't going to cry Al couldn't cry so he couldn't either it was bad enough he broke down three years ago with that psychopath.
He wasn't sure if he was thinking of Barry the Chopper or Shao Tucker, one of which was still very much alive.
He didn't know the former live serial killer was once again the cause of his problems.
But then he remembered he didn't have anyone to hide his tears from anymore and so as unwanted as they were they came and mixed with the rain water.
A gust of wind a few minutes later brought him back to the present as he shivered, he'd been out all night and his body was at its limits in the pain department. Not only that but several of his deeper wounds had started to open up again and the fresh cut along his left side was throbbing.
He tried not to think about the one who caused that one, it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't his brother who did it.
If anything it was Ed's fault it was always his fault after all, how many people's lives had he screwed up already.
There was his mother first of all, he never told Al because that would be showing weakness and back then he had a job and role to fill for his younger brother that their father had left behind.
He wondered if their father's reason for leaving hadn't been his fault in some way, Mustang always did call him irritable and impossible to work with. Maybe that's why he left; maybe it really had been Ed's fault.
Then there was the months following their mother's death, after that he had to be a mother, a father, a caretaker and a brother. It was hard so unbelievably hard trying to care for someone who was only a year younger than you, maybe that's why he wanted to bring their mom back.
Sure he and Al had wanted to see her face again, see her smile and soothing voice that made any situation better.
But honestly Ed had been scared, what if he screwed up and did something wrong then something bad would happen to Alphonse.
He chuckled dryly as he lifted his head hands both metal and flesh shaking as he tried to push himself up, he was afraid something bad would happen?
It had happened and now this was the repercussion, he had killed his mother that night that thing he brought her back as but that wasn't the worse of it.
He had killed his own brother that night too, sure the people who knew their secret didn't see it that way but Ed did he had killed his own brother all because he was afraid of doing things alone.
Well he really had been alone after that, that's why he stuck his baby brother in that unfeeling steel because he didn't want to be alone.
The list of people went on after that, from random people he met along the way to Nina the little girl who had been like a sister to them only to have her die a horrible death in a body of a chimera.
Holding himself up against whatever building he had fallen next to a few ragged breaths were all he took before heading out again.
But he really was alone now, Al was gone he had left him behind and as he kept thinking back to yesterday afternoon he kept wondering why he was even searching for him.
"Maybe I'm just waiting to die" he laughed at that slightly, it was a sick sound made by someone who had honestly lost any sort of will to live.
It wouldn't surprise him if the real reason he left the hospital wasn't just to look for Al but to wait for his body to give out; it would be fitting he thought.
He had taken everything from Al and all he ever gave were empty promises and after what had happened at Lab 5.
His stupid conscious those prisoners would have died anyway why couldn't he kill them, why!?
But he knew why, he wasn't a monster he wasn't about to throw away people's lives for personal gain.
Winry had been right too, Al never would have been happy in a body that held a reminder of what had happened.
Al, looking at the blood both dry and freshly spilled from his left side he knew his brother and if anything he was probably terrified about what he had done.
Ed didn't blame him about that either Al would never hurt him on purpose ever, in fact he had been afraid of touching him for the first few months when both of them were relearning how to do everything.
Al who was cut off from the world entirely and he who had to learn how to reuse and carry the weight of two limbs that were no longer there.
Speaking of metal limbs the throbbing of his stumps had begun to increase, it was becoming harder to tell what hurt were.
A clatter of metal caught his attention as he turned half expecting to see Alphonse; it was only a cat though.
The sight of a cat though, another flash of pain tore through him as he didn't fight the pull of gravity this time.
He winced as his head smacked into the ground but didn't make a sound, he just laid there he hadn't even made it out of the alleyway.
He stared blankly at nothing, what was the point anymore?
What was the point of all of this really?
A small nudge to his side caused him to hiss through his teeth as he noticed the same rained soaked black cat curl up beside him, its golden eyes started at him curiously.
"I wonder if my brother ever snuck you inside his armor, probably he does it more than often" he told the cat as it just yawned and licked at its wet fur.
Great he was talking to a cat he was really loosing it, it didn't surprise him though blood lost affected him more than the average person, with two limbs missing it wouldn't take much to kill him.
What would take a normal person hours to bleed out; he'd be dead in half the time.
The thought of death brought up the fight from the day before; he wasn't moving anywhere he honestly didn't think he could even if he wanted to.
He didn't notice how his flesh was going cold or the fact that he was shaking from more than just cold.
He just wanted it all to end if Al had left.
He wanted to leave too.
He promised.
(Yesterday Afternoon)
No! No! NO!
This couldn't be happening it couldn't be happening!
But it is, a sly voice snapped in the back of his mind.
He had just finished repairing Al when the younger asked him a strange question about his repaired armor.
After he answered though, he tried to calm down his irrational thoughts as he spoke as calmly as possible "Fake memories? Al don't tell me that's what's been brothering you" he tried to sound relived but that had seemed the wrong way to go as Al snapped at him.
"Why shouldn't I be concerned? I'm beginning to forget things, I can't remember moms face; I can't remember how food taste or even warmth! I can barley recognize anyone back home besides Winry and Granny!" his voice was getting louder and with it Ed's fear.
"Al" he began only for his little brother cut him off again.
"Back in Resembool you said you had something to tell me but you were afraid of how I'd react, you remember that don't you "ed froze when Alphonse reminded him of that night.
He couldn't answer that, he couldn't ask him; he couldn't not when Al was pretty much answering his unspoken question.
"The reason I'm forgetting is because none of my memories are real! Their just things you created, my soul isn't real! Isn't that what you wanted to tell me?" Al snapped.
Ed felt something inside him fall apart at the accusation he was sure his face was now of shock and horrifying fear, he felt himself shaking he already was having trouble standing from the energy used on fixing Al but this.
It felt like his insides were being frozen over, he recognized this as numb shock.
He didn't even notice that Winry had spoken up began to argue and trying to counter Al's accusations, but when he heard Al deny that he ever existed or the fact that Alphonse was gone.
He knew his face had lost any color it held at that one, his breathing had begun to hitch and he knew if he didn't react soon he'd either pass out from lack of oxygen or from the painful constricting his heart.
When Al finally accused him, Winry and granny of lying to him he spoke up, he didn't care how low his voice was, how broken he sounded, how his voice shook in time with his body" So you've been sitting on these thoughts all this time? Is there anything else your hiding?"Just say it! Just say it Al!
How he wanted Al to already say he hated him but, at the same time he wanted to crumble to the ground in agony.
But then he said it, not the word but it could be the same thing.
" What about you my so called brother! Why won't you say anything! Unless it's true!"
So called? So they weren't brothers anymore? He felt like something was being ripped apart inside him.
Being pulled out and smashed to bits.
That's when he noticed Al was going to leave, he panicked.
Al was going to leave, he was leaving, his mind flashed to his father leaving them behind.
Then their mother as she got sicker and sicker and left them behind.
It snapped him out of his broken stupor as he latched onto Al's arm, almost hard enough to dent the steel with his automail.
Al just protested as his next words caused his mind to reel to another soul bounded pair of brothers "Let go of me! There's no point of me living anymore!"
Number 48 and his brother, he killed himself because his life had no meaning.
Al shook him off after awhile but he wasn't letting him go that easily" Al you idiot!" he shouted as he latched onto his brother again, he didn't notice how he grabbed on, the sharp end of his brothers arm pressed dangerously close to his side.
"Let go of me! Let me go!"
"Al Stop" Ed was practically begging fighting against his brother's strength, he wasn't holding back he noticed.
"I won't stay here!"
Everything after that was a blur to Ed, he felt something sharp slice open his side as he flew through the air landing on the ground. He hid the scream behind a chocked off groan as he felt blood seeping.
His wounds had reopened along with the new one on his left side, his cheek hurt and the metallic taste of blood was in his mouth as his lower lip bled.
He looked up at Al agony was clear in his eyes as he felt a great weight fall on his shoulders.
"Alphonse…"
Al took a step back.
Al please.
He had done it, the one thing Alphonse was always afraid of he had hurt him with the very same body he had tried so hard to control to do the exact opposite.
This wasn't going to end well.
"Stay Back" Al he sounded so scared and horrified.
Ed ignored the screams of his body as he tried to limp over towards Al" Hold on" he was begging by this point as Al kept backing up.
"Just stay back!" Ed shook his head slightly as he kept limping towards his brother, blood was running down his chest and staining his shirt, leaving a trail as he walked but it seemed everything decided to fall apart at that moment as his brother yelled at him "Keep away from me!"Al turned and jumped off the roof to the floor below.
"Al!" Ed made his way towards the edge ready to jump when he felt someone's arms hold him back.
He fought against the person who he dimly was aware was Winry as he screamed Al's name in unadulterated anguish.
Broken wasn't even close to how he felt at that moment, he felt hollow and dead, he felt like shattered glass.
It finally happened Al he had left, he left!
Why was he so broken inside though, he already knew Al would do this.
He didn't notice how he had broken down in Winry's arms, how he was still mumblings Al's name in numb shock, how he had begun to sob silently or how he was slowly beginning to lose consciousness as the blood lost got to him.
He woke up sometime later he didn't know how he had gotten back in his hospital bed but he was aware of the relived voice of Winry beside him.
He looked at her; blood was covering her white shirt it was obvious she hadn't moved since he somehow ended up here.
"Winry?" he didn't even bother to wince at how weak his voice sounded.
What was the point, who was he hiding it from anyway.
He saw Winry wince at his voice but tried to smile" you were out for awhile, the doctor had to close your wounds again" she admitted as she seemed nervous about telling him the next part" he said you won't be able to leave for another week or so and the one Al gave you had to have stitches" he winced when she mentioned Al.
"It wasn't his fault, he didn't know what he was doing" he automatically defended his brother as Winry frowned.
"I didn't tell the doctor Ed" she looked away from him, he couldn't blame her.
He probably looked as awful as he felt; when he shifted he felt his wounds ache dully the pain killers they must have given him were working on that at least.
A loose strand of hair fell in his face but he didn't have the energy to move it away.
"Thanks Winry" he saw the shock in her eyes, he rarely thanked anyone.
It just wasn't him, but honestly putting up some fake tough front was the farthest thing from his mind.
"You're welcome?" she almost seemed to ask, she rubbed her bare arm before speaking whatever thoughts were troubling her" why didn't you tell him Ed?" he didn't need her to explain he knew what she as talking about.
Ed turned away from her and said nothing, he wanted her to leave now but at the same time he didn't.
Al was gone if Winry left that would be the nail in the coffin.
"I was scared" he could just imagine the shocked looked on her face, what was the point might as well tell her.
He wasn't planning on doing much anyway; he was breaking his promise but just like Al had said once.
If he gave up Al would to, well Al had given up so Ed had too.
"Ed?" Winry was afraid she never ever heard Ed speak like this, so defeated.
What had they done to each other?
Winry knew more than anyone how close Ed ad Al were, there was only one way Ed would go back to normal.
Because if she was being honest she was scared too, scared that Ed was going to do something stupid.
"We have to find him, even if he does already hate me I can at least tell him" Ed didn't finish what did he want to tell him? Ask if he hated him.
He already has his answer to that but, but he had to see Al again he had to tell him that without Al he was lost and scared. The only reason he held on this long was for the purpose of getting his brothers body back, he had to do that much at least even Al left again.
"He doesn't hate you Ed, but you guys need to talk" he heard the door to the room he was in close after that.
He thought about Winry's words he already knew what he was going to do.
H he didn't know how long he spent staring at the opposite wall as the hospital quieted down for the night, looking at the IV's in his arm when had they added a second one?
He pulled them out without a second thought as he put on the ratty hospital slippers, opening the window he noticed it was raining and adding to that it was cold to.
Shivering and ignoring the pull of his wounds he was quickly soaked to the bone as he began his search for his brother, he didn't move very fast though.
Part of it was physical pain but the other part was emotional, he was scared to find his brother.
What if Al didn't want to hear him out, what if Al didn't want to forgive him, what if he?
Shaking loose wet hair the night time wasn't kind on him as everything that wasn't lit by street lamps was dark, and trying to find a seven foot suit of armor in the dark, cold and rain was near impossible.
He contemplated a river but there wasn't one here, so alleyways it was.
That's how he ended up in his present condition.
(Present day)
"Winry's going to clock me one when she finds me" Ed realized as he blinked.
Why was it suddenly so hard to stay awake, he nearly cried out as he felt something touch his side.
Turning he saw it was the cat, it was still their?
"Waiting for me to die and use me as cat food" though the usual bite wasn't in his voice; the black cat just stared at him tilting its head to one side.
That's when he noticed how the cat's legs seemed to be dripping red liquid, with sluggish movements he noticed the wound Al had given had opened up more along with a few others.
Well that explained why he felt so tired, huh, so this was how he was going to die was it?
Next to a cat in the middle of an alleyway were no one knew where to find him.
A small broken smile appeared on his face, rain, alleyway, a broken body with him on the ground inches from death.
It was almost like the day Scar had almost killed him, he guess the stray cat was Al in his current situation.
He was oddly calm about dying; he remembered how many times he had let himself be put in a situation like that.
The first time had been after the transmutation, he honestly believed Al back then when he said he'd miss him if he died.
That had to have been a lie on his brother's part, something to spare his feelings with.
But inside the part of him that wasn't a shattered mess new that wasn't the case, Al wouldn't have stuck around that long if that had been true.
Then what had changed? What had he done that made Al lash out so violently?
He moved his automail arm, not that it made a difference his stump ached just as badly as the rest of him and the blood loss wasn't helping.
He tried one last time, just tried to sit up.
He couldn't even manage that, and whatever part of him had been fighting to find his brother gave up.
For all he knew Al want even here anymore maybe he left to some other town or city and he was wasting his time.
It was completely possible since Al didn't need anything a normal human body required after all.
A rough tongue scrapped against his cheek, the black cat was staring at him once again head tilted golden eyes almost seemed amused.
"Bet your having fun, I can't move and your just here doing whatever cats do" he was just blabbering blood loss did that to you after all.
The cat sniffed at him one more time before it walked away leaving a trail of bloody paw prints in its wake.
His head began to pound and the aching seemed to worsen, he could feel the pull to fall asleep just like the day before when he and Al had fought.
"I'm sorry Al, I should have just asked you, but I fucked it up again" he always did, there wasn't anything he could ever do without someone getting hurt.
If there was one thing he wanted to do it was just to tell Al he was sorry, at least give him that.
But of course life never had been fair to him, why would it start going his way now.
He numbly thought back to the human transmutation, he had been in this exact same situation. On the ground in extreme pain and bleeding out with no one around, all that was missing was the deformed pile of flesh and a gate that held the truth.
Only this time there was no little brother to help him, no one to save him, he was alone again.
He didn't want to be saved anyway, what was the point?
It was so ironic it was almost funny, he was going to die in the exact same way he almost did the first time.
The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was the meow of a cat, a shriek and clanking metal.
A bit shorter than the first chapter I'm actually better at writing Al than Ed so sorry if Ed's a bit OOC, I'm trying to use what I saw in a movie once for inspiration. So sorry if Ed's kinda pathetic I just thought that's how someone would react to being completely abandoned by the one person they dedicated their life to.