Writing this made me think and helped me sort out my problems especially my own internal recovery/relapse battle. Thanks to all my friends I love you girls. If you are suffering from an ED/self harm -believe me even though you don't think you're suffering you really are!- or just want to talk feel free to PM me :)
Eating disorder recovery is such an odd thing. They feed you and feed you until you're in the 'right shape of mind' for them to tear down and destroy the entire framework of everything keeping you sane. When everyone first found out it wasn't pretty, I wallowed in my room drowning in self-pity until they finally really that it wasn't just their daughter 'forgetting' to eat it was deadly serious and that's when they sent me to the mad house.
I ate and I ate and I spoke about my feelings and I didn't try to make myself sick or slice myself open or write depressing poetry until they shipped me back home with the label 'recovered'.
Didn't they realise that recovery takes longer than that? There's more to recovery then just eating again of course they didn't I no longer had the eating habits, behaviour or body of an anorexic.
But I sure as hell still had the mindset. And sooner or later I was going to relapse.
People say I'm a brilliant actress and I'd have to agree with them. Before and after the hell hole I'd been acting, pretending to be better and when they forget and think I'm 'fully recovered' I can go back to my old ways. The only challenge when it comes to that is Sofia and Rory, I don't think they'll ever stop watching me especially if they knew this idea. Some days I'd rather have my eating disorder then my friends but then I feel like such a terrible person. What sort of person would rather kill themself then spend time with their closest friends? Me I guess.