2. STITCHES
Carlisle remained calm; years of experience in the emergency room were evident in his quiet, authoritative voice.
"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside."
Carlisle had no response, no burning in his throat, his stomach wasn't twitching with hunger and his muscles remained relaxed. He was the only one who had no reaction and I wished I'd learned more from him. I wished I had no reaction; unfortunately I had, alongside everyone else. Strength and control were abolished the moment I smelt her blood proving the delusion my family and I were under. My control wasn't as remarkable as once believed, reacting this way was agonizing.
Emmett nodded. "Come on, Jasper."
Jasper struggled against Emmett's unbreakable grasp, twisting around, reaching for Bella with his teeth bared, his eyes still past reason.
Holding my crouch defensively over Bella, a growl slid from between my clenched teeth. My instincts took over protecting Bella, not allowing anyone near her, for if I had, a fight would certainly ensue. My mind and body screamed for me to protect her. Smelling the blood rushing out of her wound, I refused to breath, losing control was unbearable, allowing anyone else to… intolerable.
Rosalie stepped in front of Jasper –keeping a careful distance from his teeth –helping Emmett wrestle him through the glass door that Esme held open, one hand pressed over her mouth and nose.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," Esme cried ashamed, as she followed the others into the yard.
This was the worse possible scenario… standing here… ready to fight my family. Bella in pain… bleeding all over the place with so many vampires ready to attach. How could I allow this happen? What was I thinking?
"Let me by, Edward," Carlisle murmured.
Frozen in place I refused to move. How could I let him near her? Reasoning with myself, recognizing that Carlisle was no danger to her. Awareness spread threw me realizing I was more danger to her than he was. Slowly relaxing out of my stance I nodded to him.
Carlisle knelt down beside Bella, leaning close to examine her arm, exposing me to the damage I'd inflicted. With a wound that ran from her wrist all the way to her elbow, it was extremely deep leaving Bella shocked, frozen in place. My innocent shove attempting to put her out of harms way, had done more damage then necessary. Perceiving how my actions had hurt Bella broke my non-beating heart, leaving my chest hollow.
"Here, Carlisle," Alice said, handing him a towel.
He shook his head. "Too much glass in the wound."
Reaching over, he ripped a long, thin scrap from the bottom of the white tablecloth. Twisting it around her arm above the elbow to form a tourniquet. The smell of the blood was making Bella dizzy she appeared as if she might pass out.
"Bella," Carlisle said softly. "Do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?"
"Here, please," she whispered.
Of course she would want to stay here, once again going against my wishes. I desired to have her somewhere safer, a hospital sounded reasonable to me. But, not to Bella who continued to lack the sense of self-preservation. When would she realize, that being around bloodthirsty vampires, was not the place for a person who had blood flowing threw their veins?
"I'll get your bag," Alice said.
"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle said to me.
I lifted her, while Carlisle kept the pressure steady on her arm. If my heart were working it would've broke in two. Carrying her I began to reconcile my role in this incident, exposing her to this was my responsibility. Believing we could carry on as if we were a normal couple was ultimately my foolish mistake. Ignoring my instincts was ridiculous, and I should've comprehended, should've exercised better judgment.
"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked.
"I'm fine," she said with a steady voice.
Fine… she was far from fine. I felt the thirst from everyone, several times more intense then my own. I hadn't had to fight –the urge –this hard since the first moment I saw her in Biology class, fighting my own instincts along with everyone else's was excruciating. I was revolted with myself that this was an issue.
Alice was already at the table with Carlisle's black bag, and a small but brilliant desk light plugged into the wall. I set Bella gently in a chair, Carlisle pulled up another, going to work at once.
I stood over Bella… still protective… I was still unable to breath.
"Just go, Edward," she sighed.
"I can handle it," I insisted.
Attempting to reassemble my face out of the stone features it held. My eyes burned with the intensity of the thirst I fought, burning fives times greater than usual. Feeling ashamed, embarrassed and utterly angry with myself, but worse than all of that was her attempt to make me feel better. With no possibility of feeling better, I refused to leave.
"You don't need to be a hero," Bella said. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."
Edward, it's not that bad. Go and get some air. Carlisle thought.
He was attempting to calm me through his thoughts, assuring me that it wasn't that bad. But it was bad… bad not being a strong enough word… this was a catastrophe.
Bella winced as Carlisle pulled slivers of glass out of her arm.
"I'll stay," I said.
"Why are you so masochistic?" Bella mumbled.
Carlisle decided to intercede. "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."
"Yes," she eagerly agreed. "Go find Jasper."
"You might as well do something useful," Alice added.
They were ganging up on me… but how could I leave… it felt wrong. Wanting to be here, wishing I could fix her arm –it should've been me –after all, I'd caused the damage. How could I help Jasper when I was extremely angry with him? How could he react this way? Nodding once, I took off out the back door.
Once outside I was able to breath again. Esme and Rosalie met me as I walked out. With a thousand thoughts running threw my mind, it was hard to concentrate. Esme's voice pulled me from my thoughts.
"How is Bella doing?" Esme asked concerned.
"Not good, I really hurt her," I said ashamed.
"Edward, you had no other choice!" She tried to ease my pain.
"There most certainly was another choice, and he knows it," Rosalie demanded.
"Rosalie, please, Edward feels bad enough without you…"
"No… No… Rosalie's right. I had no right to put Jasper in this position. This is all my fault, if I hadn't forced Bella on my family, none of this would be happening."
"Edward, you mustn't think like that, accidents happen," Esme begged.
"This was no accident, completely avoidable. Where did Jasper go?" shame laced strong in my voice.
"Emmett went after him in that direction," Rosalie spoke up.
"I'm going to find him and apologize. Attempt to talk him down."
Turning I ran off through the forest. It always seemed that I was running to Bella or away from Bella, when would this stop.
Hearing Emmett trying to console Jasper a few miles ahead, I took off in their direction. What would I say to him? How would I convince him that this was entirely my fault? I'd attempt to reason with him, make him listen. Approaching them with ease I hoped he wouldn't try to escape me.
"Stop trying to make me feel better Emmett, it's not helping," Jasper said.
He was full of shame and despair. This wouldn't be easy.
"It's going to be alright, Carlisle is stitching Bella up as we speak," I interjected.
"It's not alright Edward, for me to behave in such a manner, is not alright," Jasper pleaded.
"This was not your fault. This was my fault for forcing her on you guys in the first place. It was very wrong of me to think this was acceptable, so stop blaming yourself," I said angrily.
"What are you saying Edward?" Emmett asked, concern growing on his face.
"I'm just stating the facts, and the facts are I shouldn't have done this. Now, let's go back to the house, Alice is worried about Jasper."
Watching as they started back, I turned to follow them. We ran back in silence, I listened to what they were thinking.
What is he up to now? Emmett wondered.
How could this happen, I thought I was getting stronger? Jasper's mind swirled.
At that moment, uncertain of how to handle this situation, plans began formulating in my mind. Plans that would ensure this could never happened again. Making our way back to the house, the conversation the others were having was difficult to block.
"Rosalie, don't make this any worse then it already is," Alice snapped.
"We all knew this would happen sooner or later, what with him refusing to change her. What did he expect, for us to just accept her as is?" Rosalie growled.
"Yes, because that's what he would do for you!" Esme piped up.
Even though that was true, going along with everything that my family wanted, without question, this was different. My family had never put me in danger, never asked anything such as this before. Rosalie was right, and the time had come to repair the damage I had caused.
Approaching the yard together, Alice ran to Jasper's side, and Rosalie to Emmett.
"No need to worry, this will never happen again," I vowed.
"Edward, please, calm yourself down, it's not that big of a deal," Alice spoke.
"It is a big deal Alice, what I've done here is a big deal, and now I have to make it right," I said with chagrin.
"How are you planning to do that?" Esme asked.
"I'm not certain, but I will," I promised.
With that I walked toward the house with my head down.
"Edward, where are you going?" Alice shouted.
"To take Bella home," Where she belongs. Saying under my breath.
Making my way to the house, I heard Alice and Esme following me. Esme went to the front door and Alice followed me to the back door.
"Edward, there's no need to do anything drastic, I'm certain nothing would've happened, it was just a freak thing that…" Alice spoke.
"Alice, just stop… enough!" saying threw my teeth.
Alice turned and went back to Jasper's side.
I walked through the back door as Carlisle offered to take Bella home.
"I suppose I should take you home now," Carlisle offered.
"I'll do that," I said.
"Carlisle can take me," Bella said, as she looked down at her blue shirt that was soaked and spotted with her blood. Unbelievable… that she would be concerned with my feelings after I had hurt her in so many ways.
"I'm fine," I replied. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something."
Walking out the kitchen door, the conversation went on inside.
"He's very upset," Bella stated.
"Yes," Carlisle agreed. "Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears the most. You being put in danger, because of what we are."
"It's not his fault."
"It's not yours either."
The truth was that it was my fault, no one else's… I was the only one to blame.
"Alice could you find something that Bella could wear home, please?" I asked.
"Sure."
Alice followed me back to the house.
"Are you alright Edward?" She asked.
"I'm not the one who was hurt here," I responded.
"I'm not so sure about that," Alice countered.
Entering the living room, Alice rushed to Bella's side, while I hung back utterly ashamed with myself. Esme was cleaning the blood off the floor while Bella was insisting on cleaning it herself… fortunately Esme had already finished.
"C'mon," Alice said. "I'll get you something less macabre to wear."
The two proceeded up the stairs while I remained at the front door. Listening to their conversation, it was excruciating to hear, but unavoidable.
"Alice," she whispered.
"Yes?' Alice also whispered.
"How bad is it?"
"I'm not sure yet."
"How's Jasper?"
Alice sighed. "He's very unhappy with himself. It's all so much more of a challenge for him, and he hates feeling weak."
"It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?"
"Of course."
Standing at the front door waiting, as they came back down stairs. Opening the door, I waited quietly for Bella to make her way over. I believed this would be the last time she would enter this house and my chest was aching.
"Take your things!" Alice cried out. She scooped up two packages, one half-opened, and Bella's camera from under the piano, putting them in Bella's good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."
Esme and Carlisle both said a quiet goodnight, and then glanced at me impassively. Attempting to ease me with their thoughts, letting me know everything was fine. Repeating over and over that it wasn't as bad as I was imagining it was.
Keeping pace with Bella as we made our way to her truck. Opening the passenger side door for her… she climbed in without complaint.
We drove in silence to her house. The only noise was from her engine, that I appeared to be pushing it to hard, but I was anxious to get her home. The anxiety and fury was building inside, leaving me in fear of losing control.
The silence was excruciating, but really there was nothing I could say. Nothing she would agree to, or understand. What would I say? Bella would be reluctant to hear the thoughts that were swirling my mind.
"Say something," she finally spoke.
"What do you want me to say?" I asked.
"Tell me you forgive me."
Angering me further, her placing blame on herself… unacceptable. This was entirely my fault, allowing this to happen, already knowing it would –not could –but would. Shame was flooding threw me.
"Forgive you? Forgive you for what?"
"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."
An angel she remained shouldering the blame herself when none of it was her fault. Placing blame back on myself where it belonged, I knew better.
"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut –that hardly deserves the death penalty."
"It's still my fault."
That was it… I could no longer sit here and allow her to blame herself… for being human.
"Your fault? If you cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they can't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own –without someone throwing you into them –even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up –and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."
Spilling everything, every angry part of myself, anger for my weaknesses, anger for my inability to control myself. Not being strong enough, not having the ability to leave… for not doing the right thing, the healthiest thing for Bella. All fears stored in me about being with her were evident and present tonight.
"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" she demanded.
"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled.
"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," she protested. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
"Don't be melodramatic, please."
"Well then, don't you be ridiculous."
Without an answer, what could I say? Stating the truth, even if she were unable to grasp that, at this moment, it was the truth. Keeping my eyes forward, refusing to look at her, looking at her eyes would give away my uncertainty. I was unable to hide the indecision swirling my mind, she would see right through me.
I pulled up in front of her house and turned off the engine, keeping my hands on the steering wheel.
"Will you stay tonight?" she asked.
"I should go home."
My presence at home was probably required to reassure Jasper that he was not to blame. Responsibility rested heavily on my shoulder knowing the position I allowed him to be in. Control was already a difficult issue for him –it was unfair of me to expose him this way. Besides, re-evaluating my involvement here would be the wisest decision.
"For my birthday," she pressed.
"You can't have it both ways –either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."
"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs."
She hopped out, reaching back for her packages.
I frowned. "You don't have to take those."
"I want them," she responded.
"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you."
"I'll live." She tucked the presents under her good arm and slammed the door.
Getting out of the truck, I dashed to her side in order to assist her.
"Let me carry them, at least," I said, taking them away. "I'll be in your room."
She smiled. "Thanks."
"Happy birthday," sighing, I leaned down to touch my lips to hers.
She reached up on her toes to kiss me more intensely, but I pulled away. Smiling at her, I turned disappearing into the darkness.
Going around the side of the house, up the wall, pushing through her window. Sitting down on her bed, with the packages in my hand, I waited for her to come.
What was supposed to be a fun and enjoyable evening, quickly turned into my worst nightmare. How naive I was –truly believing –this was good for either one of us. Waiting patiently I wondered what to do about this latest incident. Hearing Bella approaching the bathroom, I wasn't left with much time before she entered her room.
Rearranging my face I needed my features to appear softer. Unwilling to share the extend of the pain I was in with her. I was uncertain what path I would take and several plans were formulating in my head. There would be no reason to alarm her until I was absolutely certain what plan I would follow after this evening's performance.
Bella entered the room already in her pajamas and ready for bed.
"Hi," I said sounding sadder than I anticipated.
She came to the bed, pushing the presents out of my hands she climbed into my lap.
"Hi," she said snuggling into my chest. "Can I open my presents now?"
Denying the pain I was certain she was in, broke my heart, at this moment. Disgusted with the show she was putting on for my benefit as she pretended to be happy about her presents. I revealed a little more than I anticipated and she knew how upset I was.
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I wondered.
"You made me curious."
She picked up the long flat rectangle that was from Carlisle and Esme.
"Allow me," I suggested.
Taking the gift from her hand, I tore the silver paper off, handing it back to her.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she muttered. "We're going to Jacksonville?" she said excitedly.
I was quite surprised by her reaction.
"That's the idea."
"I can't believe it. Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day."
"I think I can handle it," I said with a frown. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."
"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"
I chuckled. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."
She placed the tickets aside and reached for my present. Taking it from her I unwrapped it… she had bleed enough for one night.
Handing her back a clear CD jewel case, with a blank silver CD inside.
"What is it?" she asked.
Taking the CD, I reached around her to put it in the CD player on the bedside table. Hitting play we waited in silence as the music began. She listened intently, but said no words. Tears welled up in her eyes and she reached up to wide them away.
"Does your arm hurt?" I asked anxiously.
"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it," she was quietly listening.
Alice had helped me make a recording of my music. All of my compositions were on it, starting with Bella's lullaby.
"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I explained.
"Your right."
"How does your arm feel?"
"Just fine," she said, always lying to mask her pain from me.
"I'll get you some Tylenol."
"I don't need anything,' she protested.
Sliding her off my lap, I headed for the door.
"Charlie," she hissed.
"He won't catch me," promising, as I disappeared out the door… returning before the door had a chance to swing back to touch the frame. I had the glass from the bathroom and the bottle of pills in one hand.
She took the pills I handed to her without arguing, being so agreeable, she was afraid to upset me more. She would probably allow me to get away with anything tonight, but I was unable to consider any of that, her safety remained my only concern, and I was concerned.
"It's late," I noted.
Scooping her up off the bed with one arm I pulled the covers back with the other. Placing her down with her head on the pillow, I tucked the quilt around her. Lying down next to her –on top of the blanket so she wouldn't get chilled –I put my arm over her.
She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed happily.
"Thanks again," she whispered.
"Your welcome."
It was quiet as we listened to the CD playing. My mind twisted with the many questions swirling my head. Wondering what would be the best resolution to this situation? What I would do from here? How much longer until something really serious happened to her? How much longer before she is hurt beyond repair? Could I justify my existence here any longer?
"What are you thinking about?" she wondered in a whisper.
Hesitating for a second, not quite certain I should answer. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."
She shivered ever so slightly.
"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she asked quickly, trying to distract me.
"Yes," I agreed, warily.
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."
"Your greedy tonight."
"Yes, I am –but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she added.
Laughing, I then sighed. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said, putting my hand under her chin and pulling her face to mine.
It began like any other kiss we had shared, but swiftly overwhelming heat coursed threw me like never before and my hand went around her head tangling her hair, holding her firmly to me. Kissing her vigorously and deeply, I was crossing my caution lines but couldn't seem to stop. Desiring to continue as the heat rushed threw me, my body was tingling and my veins were pulsing as if they were flowing with blood. For one short second I thought I heard my heart beat, feeling alive once more. Having to put a stop to this before I went too far, and I could, so easily.
Pulling back abruptly, I pushed Bella away gently with firm hands.
She collapsed back onto the pillow.
"Sorry," I said, breathless. "That was out of line."
"I don't mind," she panted.
Frowning at her in the darkness. "Try to sleep, Bella."
"No, I want you to kiss me again."
"You're overestimating my self-control."
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she challenged.
"It's a tie," I grinned, I then turned serious again. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"
"Fine," she agreed, snuggling closer to me.
She was exhausted and was unable to put up much of a fight about going to sleep. She struggled to stay awake but was overcome by exhaustion. She was attempting to shield me from the pain was in by resting her arm against my cold shoulder, but I wasn't fooled. If pressing it against me… made her feel better… then I was pleased. I would do anything to make her feel better.
What a disastrous evening, not at all what I had planned, but I suppose it was inevitable that something like this happened. Taking the only solace available –in this moment –the situation was changeable, with no permanent damage done.
Now the decision had to be made of what to do next? What could I possibly do to correct this situation? There was nothing that would make this all right, when everything was so wrong. I had hurt Bella, my family and made mistake after mistake. This was similar to the story of Romeo who seemed destined to ruin his life. I felt sympathy for him and finally understood the conflict he must've felt throughout his story.
There was only one decision that would repair all of this, but had I the strength to ensure the correct outcome. Somehow I would have to, there were no other choice and the decision was mine. Expecting for the first time that I could make the right decision when it came to her, I had to do what was right for her. That should give me all the strength I needed to do what I should have done from the start. I had to put all of my selfishness aside and finally do the right thing.
Having the decision final in my mind, there were a few details that needed to be tended to. Setting my plan in motion required me to leave, I had to go home in order to implement my plan. This would be difficult –the hardest thing I'd ever had to do –but it had to be done and the sooner the better.
Watching Bella sleep for a moment longer I took in all of her beauty and scent. Rising from the bed I went to the window, sneaking one last glance, I jumped to the ground and took off running.
Floating through the dark forest, my thoughts came to rest on the decision that plagued me. Thoughts swirled around everything that had to be done, requiring me to act quickly before my selfishness squirmed it's way back in, taking over and altering my mind.
Arriving at the house everyone was waiting for me inside. They all had different thoughts and ideas about today's misfortunes, it really didn't matter what they thought, this was my decision, and my decision was final. There was no revising my plans.
I had made no qualms to my family about what would be the moral thing to do in this circumstance. No longer would I put everyone I loved in danger, or allow them all to suffer any longer. They had all sacrificed for one thing, my happiness, and I could not tolerate this any longer. I had to bring an end to the pain and anguish I have caused them, it was the right thing to do. As I walked slowly out of the forest hearing the conversation going on in the house, my attempt not to listen failed, I couldn't resist.
"He will want to leave again," Esme said.
"Then, we'll have to allow him that. He knows what's best," Carlisle warned.
"We all knew that this was not good from the beginning," Rosalie snapped.
"Rosalie, please, he will be in enough pain without you rambling on about right
and…" Esme didn't finish.
"He's here," Alice pointed out. I think your wrong Edward. This is too extreme…
it's unnecessary. You can't think this! Please change your mind.
Wavering was not an option, being a coward was no longer tolerable. Bella deserved better, and better was what I intended to give her. Walking through the front door –slow even by human standards –they were so far off the mark, and I was unable to explain it to them. After disappointing my family, my actions now would crush their very existence. I didn't want to be responsible for that, but I was and I had to finally accept the consequences of my actions.
"Edward, please, we can handle this, its not as bad as you think it is!" Alice cried.
"I suppose you already informed everyone?" I asked.
"No, I think your wrong, that won't make anything better, listen to me…" Alice pleaded.
"No… I will listen no longer… it's my decision and my decision is final," I said with chagrin.
"What is your decision?" Carlisle inquired.
"I've decided we must leave, all of us. Bella needs a clean break, nothing to remind her of us. We must go and allow her to get back to a normal life."
"Are you sure you can do that Edward?" Emmett asked.
"Yes, it's what's best for her," I said, sadness strong in my voice.
"Edward, I could just go away for awhile, I'm certain I will be able to…" Jasper pleaded.
"No… No, Jasper I've already put you all at risk enough, and I've put her at risk long enough. This was my fault, not yours. And it's time to go."
"Are you certain that's what you want?" Esme questioned.
"It's the way it has to be," I mumbled.
"Well, then, we all know what we have to do," Carlisle announced.
"Thank you."
"We will respect your wishes, Edward and you'll get no grief from us. Do what you need to do son," Carlisle said calmly.
"This is what I need to do… thank you for standing by me. I know I put all of you in a difficult position and I am truly sorry, this will never happen again," I pleaded.
"Everyone knows what they have to do, so let's get to it," Carlisle announced.
Everyone went to work preparing, while I returned to Bella's before she woke. Rising up the side of the house and through the window. She was still sound asleep in her bed and took no notice of my absence.
Walking over I lay down beside her, as I had before leaving this evening. Tracing her face over and over in my mind attempting to remember every detail. Taking deeper breaths allowing her scent to wash over me, attempting to keep it fresh in my memory.