July 4th
I watch the fireworks explode into extraordinary colors. She snuggles up by my side. I smile down at her. She's beautiful. That's for sure. But there was a problem.. I wasn't feeling it. I'm not sure what "it" is but I know I need it. And this chick isn't giving me it.
It's funny how exactly a year ago, I was with Ally watching these fireworks. Sweet and innocent Ally. I loved her.. She thinks I didn't. But I did. I loved every single thing about her.
I loved how I didn't have to worry if I was smarter than her. Because I wasn't. She was intelligent. Not a single grade that wasn't an 'A' on her report card. Which I admire about her.
I loved her petite figure. She had the cutest curves. Most girls would want a big ass and big boobs. Ally was decent with all that and yet beautiful and she didn't care about her appearance. She was happy with it. She wasn't fat or dangerously skinny. She was perfect.
I loved her personality. Very headstrong and independent. She would always want to do things her way instead of following someone else. I guess she was a bit stubborn too. But that's okay. She knows what she wants and goes for it. She's also extremely hilarious. She makes me laugh even when I'm having the worst day.
I loved her musical talent. She knew how to write amazing songs. She can play the piano like she made it. She knows a bit of guitar too. And her singing was the most beautiful sound on earth.
I loved her good reputation. Always following the rules. Not many do. Heck, I even tried to get her to rebel a few times. Key word; tried. But when she wants to break the rules herself, she does. But that's barely.
I loved her adorkableness. She was the exact mixture of adorable and a dork. I knew that I could tell her every joke in the world, no matter if it was dirty or corny or straight up stupid. She would always burst out into endless giggles and end up with a sore stomach.
I loved how her hands felt just right in mine. And how when we hug it's like it's just us in this whole universe. And how when we dance, it's like we are in some kind of cliche movie. And how we kiss is like the best moments of our lives.
I loved her..
No..
I still love her.
I love her whole existence and her presence. I can't believe I lost the most amazing girl on this planet. How did I ever end up here?
One word.
Callie.
She walked up to me her first day and started talking to me. She was nice and funny and not to mention gorgeous. But I didn't like her like that. She invited me to her concert and I accepted. Even though Ally told me the band was a couples band.
I was a complete idiot. I should have listened to Ally. I watched the band play those slow songs. And out of no where Callie just kisses me. I pulled away quickly explaining that I didn't like her that way. She shrugged it off. And that's how it went. I couldn't tell Ally because of the fear she would get hurt. So I didn't.
But slowly I started having feelings for Callie. She got me drunk too. And that's how we had sex. I wasn't thinking straight. After me and Ally broke up I realized those feelings weren't real. Ally was right once again. When is she ever wrong? Callie took up all my time. Lied to me. Seduced me. Manipulated me. And I lost Ally for it. So I became depressed. Began drinking again. I speeded a few times. Slept around again.
I needed Ally. I needed her by my side. I don't care if she was scolding me. I need to know if she at least acknowledges me. All I've ever gotten from Ally since the breakup was a quick glance and she was back to her book. No emotion on her face. It was like she was a robot. And it hurt like hell.
"I don't think this is gonna work anymore.." I tell the chick who's snuggled up on me. I don't recall her name either. And I winced because those were the exact words I used on Ally when I was breaking up with her.
"What?"
"I'm sorry." I get up and walk away as fast as I could.
...
August 20th
School is a torture. But at least I get to see Ally more often. Trish has been giving me looks that tell me "I hate your whole existence. Don't even breath Ally's way or so help me I will hunt you down and chop your balls out and staple them to your forehead. That way you'll have trouble fucking the next slut you'll see. You deserve hell you man whore." So yeah.. She scares the shit out of me. But I guess I deserve it.
Also Dez has been hanging around Ally and Trish. Which sucked. My own best friend betraying me for the ones who hates me. Ouch. But I deserved that too.
I needed to talk to Ally badly. But I either don't know what to say, Trish is always there to make sure I never even get a glimpse of her, or because I'm a coward and can't even face the girl I broke.
Although she doesn't look very broken. I look more of a mess than her. I lost my record deal and she gained one. I was happy for her. But yet I was upset for myself. My grades were going downhill. Ally wasn't tutoring me. I can't believe I even agreed to tutor Callie. I was an idiot in school. But I had decent grades with the help of Ally. Now I don't. Ally's grades have still been perfect. Shocker there.
I finally face the fact that communicating with Ally will never happen in school. I'll need another way. Texting or calling is not an option. She changed her number. And blocked me just in case I got ahold of it. Smart girl she is.
I had another idea. Good old letters. I could slide it in her locker when she's not around. It was perfect. I just hope she won't throw it away as soon as she gets it.
...
September 14th
So I haven't had time to write the letter. Or think of what to put in it. Or too scared to even do it. But the whole ignoring my existence has really pushed my limits today.
I walked down the hallway looking around my surroundings. I was really bored and tired that day. And just like that I bump into a small figure. Who just happens to be Ally. Out of the 1000 students in this school. It had to be her.
Her books fall down and papers scatter around the floor. She glares at the floor and goes down to pick it up. I don't stand there like an idiot. I go down and help her out. She doesn't give me one glance. She takes the books and papers from my hand without emotion and gets up to walk away.
Without one single thank you. Or an 'I'm sorry' like she usually does when she bumps into anyone. And I know she wants to deny that I actually exist. But this was too far. I was determined to write that letter.
...
September 15th
I wrote her the letter...
...
September 20th
Five days and Ally is still ignoring me. I'm guessing she threw out the letter.
...
October 30th
Still ignored by Ally...
...
November 13th
Still ignored by Ally but I dreamed of her. Which scares me...
...
November 29th
I decided to give Ally a birthday present. She hates me but I don't hate her. I know she will throw out any gift I give her so I decided to make it anonymous.
I got her a necklace. It's half of a sun. The other half is a moon. Which I find weird. But Ally was too but in a good way. I hope she likes it and wears it..
I drop it at her doorstep at night while everyone is sleeping...
As for me, Ill be sleeping but dreaming of Ally again. My dreams of her haven't stopped. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do..
...
December 29th
She wore it today. I was surprised. She didn't wear it before. It's been a month since I gave it to her. Why today? At of all the days, why on my birthday? Did she know I gave it to her? Is this her birthday gift to me saying "I still hate you but I'll wear your necklace for today"? I may never know.
Little did I know it was something like that.
A little note fell from the mailbox.
"Happy Birthday Monica"
It was her handwriting. I looked around for her but she was gone. But it still gave me a little hope. Hope that she will forgive me..
..
January 15th
Hope was crushed. Just like my heart when I saw them both. Ally and Elliot. Smiling at each other while enjoying a nice lunch together.
Ally threw her head back and her beautiful laugh escaped her lips and she couldn't stop from the joke Elliot had said. I bit my lip and clenched my fists in anger. That was supposed to be me. Making that little angel laugh. Instead, Im here with a girl that I forgot her name, clinging onto my arm. I kept glaring daggers at the guy. The girl on the other hand (or arm) was trying to get me to make out with her. I really need to get this chick away from me.
"Yeah, can you please leave me alone? Thanks." I wiggled my arm away from her.
"But Austyyyyy." Why does every chick call me that?
"Seriously, get away from me." I got up and walked out of the cafeteria not bothering to look back at Ally and Elliot. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe this feeling for Ally will go away if I just stop trying.
...
February 14th
Valentines Day.
Yayyy.
Except I'm single.
And Ally is dating Elliot.
Boooo.
I look around the hallways and see couples everywhere. Great, just what I needed..
Ive been thinking for a while. I should write a song.. About this whole thing. Problem is, I don't know how to write a song. Ally was the songwriter, not me. I was the rocker in this. But now that she's gone, I can't anymore. Sigh. Ally was more important to me than I thought. But hey, I'll still give this whole songwriting thing a shot. I worked with Ally when writing songs, so I should have the kind of knowledge by now.
I remember her telling me that songwriting was like pouring all your thoughts, emotions, life, and heart into it. Past experiences or something you believe in. She was always deep with her words. I should be able to write this song. I could write about how she's always on my mind. And I think about her all the time. Hm, something along those lines.
I could write about.. How she got away. How I always tell myself that this feeling will fade. Wait.. This could work..
...
March 28th
After a few tries and five boxes of pizzas, I finally did it. I have to go to the gym to get my six pack again but still worth it. And Im pretty glad of how it came through. I expected a really cheesy and stupid song but it's actually pretty good. It really made me feel proud of myself. I felt great with my new confidence. Now, Ill just need to find a way to sing it to her.
I don't think it's right to sing it in front of the entire school. She doesn't like any attention. And she'll be mad at me, more than she might be. I want to say sorry once again and try to mend our broken relationship. If she agrees, then Ill be more than happy to start over again.
This is going to be a long shot, but it can't hurt to try.
...
April 18th
I got the guts to sing for her. Except the time that I grew my balls to sing for her was at three... In the morning... Yeah, Im a little shit.
I had woken up from another Ally dream. Except it was Ally trying to kill me because I didn't sing her the song. My dreams are so strange. But I saw it as I sign. So I quickly threw on my shoes and grabbed my guitar and ran to her house.
I knew it was a bad idea. Her parents were sleeping. The only way was the climb up the tree nearby her window. So I set my guitar down and started to climb up. When I reached her window, I gave it a soft knock. When there was no respond, I started to knock a bit harder. That's when the lights turned on in her bedroom, then she opened her curtain.
She was surprised at first. Then angry. So I gave her a pleading look making her face soften. She hesitated at first, but opened the window.
"What the hell are you doing?" she crossed her arms.
"This is so stupid I know, but can you please come with me to the park?"
"Why should I?"
"Because, you need to understand my side of this story. I already know yours. You have to hear me out. At least do that for me. I know, I don't deserve any of your time. Especially when it's three in the morning but this needs to be said."
"I don't know.."
"I promise it will be worth it.."
"..."
"I have pickles?..."
"Damn you." she mutters and gets her shoes. I smile happily and mentally high five myself. When she comes back from putting on her shoes, I hold out my hand. She sighs and takes it. I feel the warmth of her soft hands and I feel the butterfly feeling shit in my stomach. When we make it down safe, I grab my guitar.
"What's with the guitar?" she asks.
"You'll see later." I smirk at her as we walk to the park.
"Alright, start talking." she demands.
"Im a total asshole that fell for Callie's stupid manipulating shit. I was a teenage hormonal guy, can you blame me? I know, it isn't an excuse. I really loved you, Ally. You have to believe me on that. And after all this time, Im still in love with you."
"Then why did you cheat?"
"Because I was a dick and Callie was a slut trying to get some dick. We went over that." This made Ally chuckle and at least lighten up. "I didn't know what I had until it was gone. When I lost you, I lost myself. You've robbed me of everything except the memories. Id like to think that you haven't fully moved on from me. And my name is still prominent in your vocabulary. That you think of me when you hear my favorite song from the radio or turn around when my voice seems to travel to your ears. Or your heart still skips a beat when someone asks about me. And maybe Im not the one one whose mind wanders back in time over and over again. And all I can think about is how you got away..." I tell her. She looks nervous. I sigh as we make it to the park. I sit in one of the benches and give a soft smile at her and start playing.
I've seen you in my dreams
You turn them to gold and shatter their bones
As broken as we seem, oh
We give up our heart, a shot in the dark
And I know that there's something about you
And the way that I want to
There's something about you I'm drawn to
But there's nothing I can do
I know you got away, I know you got away
All my time is consumed with your face
I tell myself that this feeling will fade
And I know, and I know, and I know that it won't
My nights begin to bleed
Mirages of love, Don't want to wake up
My days turn into weeks, oh
But searching your name is part of your game
And the feeling of getting you closer
Is taking me under
And the closer I'm getting to closure
Is making me wonder
I know you got away, I know you got away
All my time is consumed with your face
I tell myself that this feeling will fade
And I know, and I know, and I know that it won't
No, ooh, you're pulling me down yeah
And I
Come na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
I know you got away, I know you got away
All my time is consumed with your face
I know you got away, I know you got away
All my time is consumed with your face
I tell myself that this feeling will fade
And I know, and I know, and I know that it won't
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na
I finish and look at her surprised expression. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pajamas. I probably look like an idiot. But whatever.
"Did you write that?"
"Yeah..."
"I can't believe it."
"I know, but I did what you told me to. I poured every last inch of me in that song. D-Do you like it?"
"Yeah, its great."
I sighed in relief. "Can we please start over?"
She thinks for a moment. Then sighs.
"I can't..."
Im gonna leave it like that because Im a little shit. I love how many reviews and encouragement I got. So I decided, I'll give it another shot. This might be a three shot if you guys want it to. Let me know by clicking that review button on the bottom. Thanks so much guys. Until next time.. (~￣▽￣)~
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