(May 24, 7:12 pm)

So, yeah. I've decided to make this a series. Might include a few multi-chapter fics also. Lemme know what ya think!

disclaimer: Still don't own Bleach. Or Scrubs. Or ability to speak in full sentences.

My Wedding Gift

"Alright," Soifon announced to her fellow members of the Shinigami Women's Association as she stood at the podium at the front of the room. "I trust you all know why I've called this meeting."

"Oh!" squealed Rangiku, her hand shooting up. "Is it because of the new bathing suit shop in the Seireitei?"

"No..."

"Is it because I finally got those glasses from Basket-Head's lieutenant?" Yachiru piped, propping the sunglasses on her forehead.

"No.. Madame President, tha-- that's not it either," Soifon replied, growing irritated.

A small, muffled voice muttered, "Did Uryuu and Orihime break up?" Everyone stared in the direction the voice had come from. Nemu looked around, avoiding their stares.

Then the gossip began.

"Really? Those two?"

"But they get along so well!"

"I didn't even know they were going out."

"PEOPLE!"

The women looked back at Soifon, who, by now, was just about fuming. "Has no one else heard about Yoruichi-sama's engagement?!"

Silence. Then...

"Oh, that's right!" Kiyone exclaimed. "She and Urahara-san are getting married!"

Momo smiled. "I think it's great! They're such a cute couple!"

"I know, I'm so happy for them!" agreed Rukia.

Soifon cleared her throat impatiently, and everyone looked at her again, finally understanding why she had brought it up. "Oh, Captain," Rangiku said empathetically, "I'm so sorry, I know how hard this must be for you--"

"No," she responded. "It's okay." She then took a deep breath and addressed the rest of the group. "I have come to terms with the fact that Yoruichi-sama is getting m..." The next word seemed to get caught in her throat for a moment before she finally said it. "...married. Now, my mission is to get her the perfect wedding gift. Any ideas?" Again, the room was quiet. "...Come on, people, there are no dumb suggestions."

Kiyone rose her hand slowly. "What about a flea collar?"

Soifon's eye twitched. "I stand corrected. Anyone else?"

Slightly upset, Kiyone looked to Isane and whispered, "Why does she hate me?"

As Isane consoled her sister, Rangiku called, "Might I revisit the bathing suit idea?"

The Second Division captain blushed. "...Somehow I don't think that would be appropriate."

"I could draw them a card," said Rukia.

"Seriously, folks, nothing?!"

Rukia was offended, but remained silent.

"Listen," Soifon said sternly, "I don't want to just give her a thing, I want her to have something that she can have for the rest of her life. I want her to be happy.... Even though apparently... all the things I've done for her in the past weren't enough..." She regained herself and continued, "But this has to be perfect."

"But, Captain," Momo said suddenly, "it's really not up to us whether or not she's happy, it's up to Urahara-san, and we can't, y'know, control what kind of husband he'll be."

If the room got brighter just then, it was because of the metaphoric lightbulb that suddenly turned on above Soifon's head. She then held out her hand, her eyes fixed on the Fifth Division lieutenant, and said, "Madame President, can I have those glasses?... Why are they wet?-- Forget it, I don't want to know." She quickly dried them off, put them on, and continued, "Lieutenant Hinamori, say that last part again, exactly the same way."

Curiously, Momo repeated, "We can't... y'know... control what kind of husband he'll be."

Soifon swiftly took off the glasses and said, her eyes narrowed in suspicious determination, "Or can we?"

XXXXXXXX

"Ah-CHOO!"

Jinta looked at Kisuke. "You alright, boss?"

"Yeah, someone must be talkin' about me," the man replied, rubbing his nose. "Strange, though. I get the feeling something weird's about to happen."

The boy snickered. "Yeah, 'cause nothing weird ever happens around here."

Kisuke watched as his young employee continued to sweep up outside the shop... until a hand clamped over his mouth, another pulled his hat down over his eyes, and another grabbed his cane and used it to drag him away.

Jinta looked up and noticed he was gone, but thought nothing of it. Not like he would've gotten himself kidnapped, he thought.

XXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, with Kisuke's kidnappers...

Soifon swiped the shop owner's hat off his head. He blinked, then asked, "...Can I help you??"

"I understand you're the one Yoruichi-sama's engaged to?" Soifon replied, her arms crossed strictly.

Kisuke took a moment to realize what was going on. "...Oh, yeah, she warned me you might come by. Well, if you wanna try and kill me, can I at least have my cane back?"

Soifon sighed, "I don't want to hurt you... I want to train you."

He blinked again. "Huh?"

"I have promised myself that I would get Yoruichi-sama an excellent wedding gift, and my gift to her is to make you the perfect husband."

After staring at her and the other female shinigami in the room, Kisuke chuckled. "I, uh... appreciate that and all, but I don't really think I need to be trained for something like that."

"Really..." she said skeptically. "Would you know what to do if, say, she woke up one morning and was stuck in her cat form?"

"That's ridiculous."

"Is that what you'll say when she looks up at you with those big, golden eyes and says, 'Meow. Meow.'?"

"Can't she speak in her cat form?" asked Isane.

Soifon's eyebrow twitched. "My point is, Yoruichi-sama is not only an exceptional woman, but an exceptional person, and she deserves nothing less than perfection. She deserves to be with someone who would do anything for her. Got that, pretty boy?"

Kisuke sighed. "Alright, li-- okay, first of all, gimme back my hat!" Before he even got a reply, he grabbed his hat and propped it on his head, going on, "Listen, I've been friends with Yoruichi most of my life. If I don't know her by now, I don't think we'd be getting married."

Soifon stared at him. "I find that rather suspicious.... Okay, let's try and apply this to a different situation: suppose you've gotten home late from working at your little shop--"

"Actually, I live at the shop."

Soifon was clearly getting annoyed with everyone's comments, but let this last one slide and silently vowed to kick the crap out of the next person who said anything out of turn. "Suppose you've gotten home late from somewhere else, and Yoruichi-sama wants to know where you've been. Now then..." she trailed off, looking around the room. "Kuchiki. You'll be playing Yoruichi-sama."

Rukia's eyes widened. "Really?" she asked, knowing this must have been some kind of honor coming from Soifon.

"Yeah, why not?"

Again, the petite shinigami's anger went unvoiced.

The captain turned back to her idol's fiancee and went on, "Joining you will be a gorgeous old friend you happened to run into on your day out, who will be... Lieutenant Matsumoto."

Rangiku smiled, then rose her hand. "Can I take off my robe?" As a collective stare came down upon her, she continued reassuringly, "It's okay, I'm wearing a bikini."

Soifon rolled her eyes. Definitely the next one, she thought. "Wait for your cue," she huffed. Rangiku gave an enthusiastic thumbs-up as she and Rukia walked over to Kisuke and stood on either side of him. Soifon sighed. "Okay... action."

With that, Rangiku ripped off her shihakushou, revealing a rather skimpy bikini.

Soifon's eyes widened in both shock and anger. "Matsumoto, what the hell? Did you hear a cue?!"

"You said action."

Finally Kisuke, spoke up. "Alright, y'know what? This is ridiculous! I don't have to prove myself to anyone but Yoruichi, okay? And I plan on doing that every day for the rest of my life." The women stared at him in awe. "Now if you'll excuse me," he went on in his normal nonchalant manner, "I left a child unattended in my shop... and I'm hoping he hasn't blown it up again." And with that being said, he walked away, leaving the room in silence... until he came back and grabbed his cane, then left again.

"...Should we go after him?" asked Nano.

Soifon smiled proudly. "No need. You heard him. He's gonna be a great husband. Nice work, ladies." As she looked around the room, she stopped abruptly and twitched. "Lieutenant Matsumoto, please put your robe back on."

-----------

I wasn't quite sure how to end this one. Hope it wasn't too random. Also, I was worried I made Kisuke a little too OOC, I hope I didn't. Oh, and if you wanna know about the time Jinta blew up the shop, I'll see what I can do ;)

...Mmmmmyeah. That's about it. Leave a review please!