This feels so good.
I finally wrote this. I had the beginning but never knew how to end it.
got a review on another oneshot and finally everything just came to me.
Note: I was sick when I wrote this, and I should've been asleep since long.
though i wrote it a few days ago.
I'm perhaps going to edit a few things in both this one and Under my skin.
later on.

A/N: After reading this one through I realise that I'm SO gonna rewrite this because it sucks. But that's gonna be later on. Not when I almost is falling asleep and it's two in the morning and I'm sick.

Enjoy.

Better than me

Okay. So this is version 2 of under my skin.

A little more emo and from Renji's point of view of the same story, except it has a different ending.

Yes, I made Renji an anorexic emo-kid.

Sorry '

Don't kill me, I just needed to get some emo-ness out of my system.

Disclaimer – I still do not own Bleach, nor the song Better than me by Hinder.

(And I think you should know this

You deserve much better than me.)

Flashback

I see you glancing at me from the side; your amber eyes follow every move I make, but why? I'm not that attractive. Is it the fact that you feel my insecurity and are wondering what the hell's wrong with me? When our arms brush slightly against each others I freeze but I try to hide it. I think I manage pretty well. I just keep talking, mostly about uninteresting things. Things that doesn't matter. But you don't seem to mind. Perhaps you're not listening.
End flashback

----

That was a few hours ago now. Now, you're probably sleeping, safe and sound in you bed, dreaming about your first kiss with some lucky girl, while I'm walking alone in the moonlight, along the shore, I see my own reflection in the water, and I hate it. That freakishly red hair, those small pig-eyes, the non-existent muscles, the fat around my waist, my terrible posture and I could do anything to break the surface. I stop to watch it a few seconds before I bend over and grab a rock that I throw in the glassy water-mirror and I scream. Scream so loud, it's like I'm trying the scream the pain away. It's not working. My legs give in under me and I sink to the ground. The sand is cold beneath my fingers. I write your name in the wet sand and then the tears come. And I can't help that I throw up.

This is my bitterness, my pain. Who would want someone like me? And besides, you have both Rukia and that Orihime-girl running after you. What do you need me for? I'm just one of those guys who do everything to irritate you, always in your way, hair drawing way to much attention. I'm sorry. It's not my fault.

Why do I say that?
Of course it's my fault.
Whose fault would it be otherwise?
It just wasn't my intention…
I just wanted… your attention.
I'm sorry, I'm such an attention-whore.
But like I always say: hey, at least I know it.

The water has settled and my reflection is once again staring at me, and I can't do anything but to stare back. I don't have the strength. I just sit there, watching the emptiness in my reflections eyes. And I can feel how I'm falling. Why isn't anything helping anymore? I search my pockets for the package of cigarettes I know is somewhere in there. I take one, light it and take a deep breath from it. I know it's bad. But it's also supposed to release endorphins.

And god knows I could need some. But it doesn't help anymore. I wonder if it ever did. But I don't want to quit. It's a habit, but not an addiction, just a really bad habit. I take another breath from it and blow out the smoke. It makes pretty patterns in the air as I watch it rise against the dark blue sky. I wait for the endorphins that never come. The cigarette is at its end and I dig a little hole in the sand and drop it, covering it with the wet sand again. I know it's bad for the nature, that it takes five years for nature to break it down, but it would be worse throwing it in the ocean.

I know that I will never mean anything to you. Not like that anyway. I still remember every word you screamed to me. That you hate me. That you wish you'd never met me. The fire burning in your eyes. You later said that you where sorry and that you didn't mean it. But the first thing you say is very often what you really mean… Right? I have no idea. I just know that you deserve someone better than me. I'm just… just… just a mad wreck. Perhaps you could fix me. But that is something you probably never will do. I'm just too far away. You probably don't even swing that way. I want to stop your rain. But I can't. Because you're probably never gonna let me.

I force myself up and start to walk again. One painful step after another. It hurts, but I have to get back. I don't want them to worry.
Even though I don't thing they really care.
They just keep on calling me freeloader.
That by the way why I hardly eat anymore. But it's okay.

I really need to stop think about you. It's just gonna end with me getting hurt. More than I already have been.

Finally back at Urahara's store, I sank down onto my bed. I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep for a while but I have to try. I slowly sank into dreams while waiting for sleep to settle in.

---

We where back at the point when you screamed at me.

"Renji! Just leave me the fuck alone!" Your beautiful amber eyes where full of hatred.

"I wish I never met you." Your words were nothing more than a mere whisper but they had the same effect as if you would have screamed them of the Eiffel tower. I just slowly backed away, before turning my back on you and ran as fast as I could. When I got a few blocks away, my running steps slowed down. I completely stopped, leaning against a high brick building, trying to catch my breath again. A cold water drop hit my cheek and I turned my face up against the sky. It didn't take long before the rain came pouring down heavily in big drops. My hair surely didn't like this weather and soon it frowned and hanged down. I pulled the hair band away and let the read locks fall down my back. It didn't take to much time before I looked like a drenched cat. I started to walk again, but I didn't get too far before I heard a familiar voice behind me.

"Renji…" I didn't turn. Tears burned behind my eyes. You slowly continued.

"Renji… I… I'm really sorry for all those things I said. You… I… I didn't mean anything of it… And I really hope you know that. "
No… I actually didn't know.

Here my thoughts spins off and makes it's own versions and daydreams.

Your hand reached out for mine. I felt your fingers brush over my arms from behind.

"Please Renji. Look at me at least." My hair was soaking wet as I just shook my head. I don't think I can face you with out crying. Okay. Correction; crying even more. No one is gonna see my tears. Your hands now had a steady grip on my arms and you turned me around. My eyes where glued at the pavement.

"Renji. Please. Look at me…" I slowly rised my gaze and soon our eyes made contact. You formed a weak smile that I just couldn't answer. Your hands where still at my arms and you watched my face. Tears once again formed in my eyes and started falling down my cheeks. I was thankful for the rain, making them invisible. Somehow, I think you managed to see them anyway, because you slowly rised your hand and started to try and dry them away. It didn't go all to well with the pouring rain, but I appreciate the gesture. The thought was sweet. Your hand left my face and rested on my shoulder. You once again surveyed me.

"Renji… You really are beautiful..." I almost unnoticeable shook my head. You just looked at me as if I was a sheep from outer space.

"What do you mean Ren? You're the most beautiful person I've ever met. I've been waiting for you for so long, just not being brave enough to say anything. But the truth is that I… I kinda…like you. Really, really like you."

---

We where lying on e mattress, just you and me. Your head resting against my thorax, my fingers slowly streaking your hair, my other hand resting on your back.
"You're so thin love. Do you ever eat anything?" My silence spoke enough. You didn't say anything. What could you have said? You just reached up and kissed my neck.
"I love you Ren. Always know that. No matter what, I'll always love you.

---

We where talking on the phone, late night. We both should sleep and we where gonna see each other tomorrow at school, but neither one of us wanted to hang up. Finally I decided to do it. Otherwise we would both be dead tomorrow.
"Seriously love. We should sleep."

"You're right… Goodnight babe."

"Love you. Sweet dreams"

---

I was standing at a house corner, slowly smoking a cigarette. Suddenly I felt a pair of arms around my actually pretty thin waist. I heard your voice muffled in my hair.

"Hello my love." I just smiled and put a hand on your cheek. You turned me around and saw the cigarette in my hand. The glance you gave me wasn't pretty.

"You know I don't like it when you smoke…" Your pout was adorable. I just smiled towards you, threw the cigarette on the ground and stepped on it.
"For you; I'll quit." The smile on your face was so wide I didn't thought it was possible.
"Really? For me?" I just nodded before I found myself pressed against the cold brick wall, your lips pressed hard against mine. Fast you withdrew from me with a disgusted face.
"You still taste like smoke though." I just laughed and pulled you in a tight hug.
"Think you can live with it for a little while?" You just smiled and pressed your lips against mine again.

---

I slowly drifted away in sleep, lucky in my thoughts.

When I woke up the next morning, sadness was over me like a heavy shadow. I hated that all of that just where dreams. Slowly I rose from the bed and dressed before I snuck out the backdoor. I didn't want Urahara or the kids to find out I was up. The morning dew was still lying over the world as a glistening cover over every straw of grass, over everything and made it sparkle nice in the gentle morning sun. I followed an old road I had walked a thousand times at least. The small road led me to an old abandoned playground. There I sank down on one of the old swings. The ocean I visited yesterday wasn't far away from here. I could still feel a faint taste of bile in the back of my mouth when I thought about it and I tried to fight the panic. The swing swinged back and forward as I ran as fast as I could, to try and get away. As if the panic was bound to the playground. Witch, to my great despair, it wasn't. It just kept on lingering in the back of my mind. Because I didn't see where the heck I ran, of course I just HAD to run in into somebody. And of course, it had to be you. You just looked at me in chock.

"Renji…? What are you doing up? And. How are you? You look like you're about to cry any moment now?" I just turned away and kept on running. I couldn't handle this. Not right now anyway. I felt tears come down my face. Somewhere behind me I heard running steps and a voice that shouted my name. I just shook my head to myself and kept on running. As I shook my head my hair band came loose and my hair was like a red cape behind me.

"RENJI! For the love of GOD, stop running! We need to talk!" My legs were starting to give up, but I refused to stop. I have nothing to say to you.
Who am I kidding? I could write a book about everything I wanted to tell you. All my dreams, all my tears, every bit of despair and panic.

Every little part, every little cell, of my heart that screamed about how much I love you. Then, a few meters later my legs just couldn't take it anymore and they gave in under me. I fell, but managed to somehow break the fall with my hands. It didn't end well though, I think I broke my wrist, or at least sprained it. I heard your footsteps against the asphalt as you caught up on me and sat down on the still night cold ground.

"Renji, are you okay?" You looked at me with such fear that it almost broke my already broken heart even more. All I managed to do was a slight nod. My wrist was killing me and I bit my lip.

"Can I see your hand?" Without waiting for an answer your took my hand in yours and looked at it. A bruise was starting to form and it was just hanging in yours. I guess you saw the faint scars on my wrist to. Your gaze fell anxiously on my face again.

"Renji… Are you sure everything is okay?" My head fell down; I just couldn't meet your eyes.

"No…" I answered. "Everything isn't okay."

Then, all of a sudden I felt your arms around my body. And to my great surprise, you where shaking.

"Renji.. It's gonna be okay. Everything is gonna be just fine from now on." Trembling my arms found their way around you and I cried against your shoulder. Your hands gently stroked my hair and you gently kissed my cheek.

"There there Ren." Your words just made me cry even harder, because they where filled with so many promises, so much sorrow. Blindly my lips tried to find yours. They met and everything suddenly felt alright in the world. When our lips parted I burrowed my face in your neck.

"Ichigo. I need you…"

Because maybe. Just maybe you can make me feel okay. Maybe you can make me feel good about myself again. Perhaps you can fix me.

Okay. So that was that.
What do you guys think?

Please tell me, it would make me really happy.
And I'm thinking about doing a follow up chapter, just to see how it works out between the two of them. Probably just something short and fluffy. But I need you guys to review and tell me what you think about that idea. Should I leave it like this or should I do the follow up chapter? And if I do the follow up; to witch version should I do it? Under my skin or better than me? Please tell me

If I do the follow up, that's gonna be that absolute final part. I'm thinking about doing the follow up to Better than me. But still I'm not sure.