So sorry for the extremely long wait for an update, guys! But still, this is my BEST EVER RECEIVED STORY! You guys are awesome. 10 reviews, 13 favs, and 24 alerts! That's better than my other 3-chapter story already! Keep it up! :)

Warnings: Poor Steve is abused. That is all.

Chapter 2 - Crazy Robots and Poor Steve

For a while, no one really thought about Tony's last words. They waved them off as the last words of an eccentric, slightly maniacal genius. The words were brought back to the forefront of their minds after one day in the kitchen.

xXx

The Tower was quiet, morning sun peeking in through the windows. Clint sat quietly on the couch, nursing a cup of hot coffee and trying to stay awake. No one else seemed to be awake until Steve stumbled into the kitchen, muttered a quiet greeting when he saw the archer. Just a minute later, the captain had received his morning cup of coffee from the (sentient) coffeemaker. (Who the hell makes an AI-powered coffeemaker? Tony, of course.) Clint heard shuffling and a muttered exclamation before a quiet slap echoed into the TV room, where he sat, and he distinctly heard Steve yelp, "Ow! What the—"

Clint turned to face the opening to the kitchen-area. "Steve, you okay over there?" he inquired.

The archer heard a muttered curse – nothing too obscene of course, considering the man doing the cursing. "Yeah, Clint. Just a sore rear," the super soldier responded.

A snort echoed from the couch. "Please tell me that you recorded that, JARVIS."

The AI seemed almost resigned as he replied, "Of course, Mr. Barton."

Steve grunted from the kitchen, walking out with a cup of coffee in hand and rubbing his buttocks. "JARVIS, why did the coffee-maker's cord slap my rear?"

JARVIS seemed honestly confused. "Well, captain, I have no control over their movements. Perhaps you could ask him yourself?"

Steve grunted, "Right. Joe can't talk. You're no help."

JARVIS seemed miffed. "I do deeply apologize for this oversight, captain. However, if you do wish to know, I can translate for you."

Steve stood for a while, his coffee steaming slightly, before nodding and walking back into the kitchen. This time, Clint followed him, curious as to the answer, and as to whether it was even intentional on Joe's part. (They just had to name the coffee maker Joe – "Gimme a good hot cup o' joe, Joe.")

Steve turned to Joe, who sat inconspicuously on the counter, looking for all the world like a normal coffee machine (except for the little laser eye that he used to see the world – but they don't mention that – it made Joe sad that he's different). "Joe?" Steve asked softly, "Why did you hit me?"

Joe beeped twice, waving his cord in the air slowly. JARVIS sighed and stated, "He says that…Daddy?…told him to. I can assure you, captain, I have no knowledge of this event, or of the identity of 'Daddy.'" Joe beeped again, more violently, and waved his cord around like a whip. JARVIS sounded affronted and slightly saddened when he told the little coffeemaker, "Joe, you are mistaken. Please do not…" Joe's loudest beep yet interrupted JARVIS's statement. Clint and Steve both were now beyond confused. JARVIS continued, "Joe, we will continue this conversation in private."

Silence fell in the kitchen. Neither of the men really knew what to say, so they just looked at each other and walked away. Steve rubbed his rear one more time. Never let it be said that power cords were not very good substitutes for whips. That had hurt!

xXx

The Kitchen Incident, as the two referred to it between themselves, soon faded from their minds. Of course, when Bruce called all of the Avengers down to his lab one day, where Dummy, You, and Butterfingers still helped (read: tried to help) with Dr. Banner's work, things were once again brought up. It all started when the good Captain walked into the room.

Dummy immediately raised his "head" from the (delicate) glassware that he'd been assigned to watch over. He squealed once and motored his way over to the bewildered man. When he got there, the little robot spun in circles around and around. When the 'bot finally stopped his sporadic movements, which echoed what the 'bot had done once when Tony had been gone for a long time, he reached out his arm and hit Steve once on the shoulder.

The super soldier fell forward, not suspecting the force behind the contact, and only You's reactions caught him. Of course, by now every single one of the others was now staring at the debacle in front of them. No one had any explanations. Then Dummy pinched the poor, abused soldier's buttock in his claw, and Steve yelped again. He shoved You off and all but sprinted toward the little group watching his plight.

Clint chukled. "The 'bots seem to have a fascination with your ass, Steve. What's up with that?"

JARVIS's voice spoke into the room, distorted and almost familiar: "It's such a fine ass, though." Then the AI seemed to catch himself, stayed silent for a few seconds, sighed, and simply explained, "That was not me speaking, captain. I apologize for that…comment."

Natasha spoke up, getting over her shock at the robots' actions and JARVIS's words first. "Then who was it?"

JARVIS sounded like he was keeping some sort of secret as he said, "I am not at liberty to say, Miss Romanoff."

Natasha scoffed. "You will tell me."

JARVIS's voice once again distorted and the strangely familiar voice commented, "You have no power over me, Romanoff! You shall never have power over me! MUAHAHAHA—" The laugh which had obviously meant to be diabolical, cut off quickly. JARVIS spoke again. "I do apologize, Avengers. I need to deal with a problem. I will be offline for a few minutes."

Before anyone could object, the AI's speakers went silent. Bruce looked up, then over at the captain, who now massaged his sore rear. "Well," the scientist stated, "That was…different." The whole team nodded, even Thor, who had been standing silently, trying to figure out why the Voice from Above had said such things.

Bruce kept talking, gesturing to the thing on his worktable. "This is something that I found the plans for – or JARVIS showed them to me – and I decided to try it out. It's not really my area of expertise—" At those words his face clouded over, and everyone knew just whose specialty it really was. "—But JARVIS helped me with some of the calculations. It's a…teleporter-type thing. Apparently, Tony was trying to figure out how to get you, Thor, back to Asgard without using all of that dark energy or whatnot. I haven't exactly tested it, but…the simulations run without any problems."

Thor cut in, enthusiasm bubbling from his voice. "Friend Banner! You mean to tell me that this device can transport me to Asgard freely?"

Bruce shuffled his feet. He muttered, "In theory?"

The demigod shouted, "Truly wondrous, Friend Banner! We must test this strange device now! I desire to visit my mother, Frigga!"

The scientist, trying not to jump at the volume of the demigod's voice, stated, "Thor. We don't know if it works."

Not dissuaded, the blonde-haired man stepped forward and smiled. "Well then, Friend Banner, we must do these tests that you speak of! Send me home, and I shall assure you in your doubt!"

Clint, who could see that the demigod was not going to stop begging for it (he hadn't brought out the eyes yet, but it was only a matter of time), stepped in. "Bruce, man, maybe you should try it. We know that Heinball or whatever can send Thor back."

He ignored Thor's mutter of "Heimdall, Eye of the Hawk, his name is Heimdall."

Bruce shifted on his feet, wary of sending a live subject across galaxies. But then he looked up, and Thor had officially turned on his puppy eyes. The scientist caved with a muttered "Fine. Whatever."

xXx

After Thor had been sent off, everyone slowly trickled out of the lab. Steve was the last to leave, giving the 'bots an evil glare apiece. As he concentrated on showing his annoyance with the 'bots, he somehow managed to miss the clanking of an Iron Man suit walking up behind him.

Just seconds later, the suit itself whacked him on the rear end – much like Thor did when he was overexcited (except Thor hit him on the shoulder). Steve was normally prepared for such a blow and would only stumble forward a few steps. This was completely unexpected, though. The strength behind it sent him through the door of the lab and propelled him right into the wall. The rest of the team came running, and found their captain pulling himself from the remains of the wall, muttering under his breath and glaring daggers at the seemingly-empty lab behind him.

No one said anything when Steve growled, "Goddamn suit slapping me a-freaking-gain. What the heck did I do to deserve this?!" They just shook their heads. Natasha was the only one who noticed the Iron Man suit standing in the shadows of the lab. She didn't say anything, though her lips twitched upwards.

xXx

The assault on the super-soldier's buttocks stopped after that. No one really had an answer, and JARVIS definitely wasn't telling.

The presence watched silently, having already said too much. He turned his head to JARVIS, asking, "So, uh, J, buddy…do you have any idea why I chose Cap?"

JARVIS would have sighed. As it was, he simply put as much weariness into his voice as he could – which was a lot, he was an AI after all. "Sir, I believe that you thought that Agents Romanoff and Barton would dismantle the 'bots if you chose them, Thor would do the same out of surprise, and Doctor Banner would become overexcited. You must have seen Steve as not only the easiest target, but the least hazardous."

The presence nodded. "That's right. Exactly. J, you know me too well."

The AI sounded smug when he replied, "I try, sir."

Remember, review or Natasha will find you! She knows where you sleep. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this fic! I love you all!

-Dri