Days later, she would tell Byakuya:
"I ran because I was afraid. Then I stopped because I was ashamed, Nii-sama. When I raised my sword I was scared. I killed him for no reason but that I was afraid."
Those words, her words, still haunted her, following her through the years, all the way to the Shrine of Penitence and to the very last dawn.
A strange calm had come over her: "Kaien-dono," she said aloud. She had thought of him often, but never once had she allowed herself to remember, in such detail, the night of his death. In a way, she was relieved that, not only could she remember, but, in remembering, had not changed or been burned away by her emotions. They had not destroyed her. Despite everything, she had carried on living, and the details were there. Every one of them, tucked away safely in her memory, as if, despite everything, she was not willing to let them go.
Kaien's name was never mentioned in her presence now. The position of vice-captain remained unfilled. She wondered, often, if she was the only one who noticed that glaring absence.
And then this boy had stepped into her world. Ichigo had reminded her of Kaien from the start. She'd known that, but hadn't dared to trust it. He was brash, like Kaien: rude sometimes, and prone to doing what he believed was right, even when it was wrong. Even his looks were similar to Kaien's. So much so that her brother had remarked upon it. And that sense of having found someone who saw her for what she was. Not a street-girl. Not a noble-woman. Not something to be pitied or protected. Just a woman. That had been the same with Kaien.
She sighed and laid her hands across her belly. Lives were strange when you considered them in their entirety, birth to death. So much time spent striving for respect, recognition, understanding. Perhaps it was the searching itself that had distracted her and made her miss the parts that really mattered: the sunny afternoons, the stupid arguments, even the way Byakuya had sat for so long at her bedside that night. She hadn't remembered that until now.
Then the key turned, and the doors of the shrine were pushed open and sunlight washed over her body. She might have sat up, but it occurred to her that there was no need. They would come for her anyway.
*************************END OF TRACK 3 *******************************************
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why, but she knows that when she's all alone
It feels like it's all coming down.
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
The tears will not stop raining down,
So stand in the rain,
Stand your ground.
From "Stand in the Rain," Superchick
Once, my heart beat to the rhythm of the fallen snow.
Blackened below, that river now flows,
A stream of molten, virgin snow,
For the heart I'll never have,
For the child, forever gone.
From "For the Heart I Once Had," Nightwish