A/N: Again, I don't own Bones, and the two songs by Meatloaf, "If God Could Talk" and "Blind as a Bat."
They stood there for a long time. He wanted to ask her how she felt, but the words failed him, so instead, he prayed. One last time. It always was one last pray for her, and he thought that was how it always was going to be for him. One last pray, and him finding one more shred of hope. He could be so pathetic somethings.
"You've been so good for me, Seeley." She spoke into his back, but he made no movement to hold her in his arms.
"Not good enough," he muttered. She shook her head, digging it into his back as she pulled herself against him tighter. It wasn't painful by any means, but he just wanted to be alone.
"No, more than good, great. I'm the one that hasn't given you enough," she said. "I'm not afraid to show you who I am, and I am not ashamed of my life." He said nothing, only leaning more of his weight on the door. He knew this already, she knew this. "You taught me that its okay to feel, that it is alright for some people to be apart of your life."
"Then why were you running? And don't tell me you don't know any other way. That's not an answer, that's an excuse." Booth turned around, and pushed her off him. He left her arms cling to his side, but he held her far enough away so that he could at least try and look her in the eye. he wanted this to be real, her words real. The truth was in her eyes.
"Because, if this fails, I fail," she said. She stared at him for the first few moments, trying to maintain his gaze before dropping it. But she spoke her heart there.
"No, then we fail," he whispered. She looked up at him for a moment before her eyes dropped again.
"I know I've walked alone, its all I've done since I was sixteen, Booth," she said. He left her move back into his arms. They rested on the small of her back as she squeezed him to her. "But you've made me feel a heat inside of me. In my bones." She blushed lightly at she looked out of his chest, her eyes still pleading. His resolve to let her go broke a little, but he didn't respond, just stared at her. She dropped back into his chest. "With every step, I rise and fall, and with everything to gain, I feel like I end up just losing it all."
She finally pushed off of him, her arms no hugging him. Her tears had fallen upon his chest, but he hadn't noticed when she cried. "I don't want to be afraid anymore, and you helped me with that, Booth, so much." She walked over to the couch, and he could not help but follow her. He still hadn't heard enough, enough to completely forgive her for what she had done, but he was willing to listen. Willing to give her one more shot.
Booth sat down on his coffee table, in front of her. His hands itched to hold hers, but he held them back. She looked at them then her own before folding her hands in her lap. "I'm not afraid of my past anymore. You walked through that with me, stayed by me." He leaned back onto his palms, looking at her. "I'd like to say you corrupted me a little, making me take some chances that I would have never taken if you hadn't entered my life." He smiled a little at that. Knowing that he had opened her up gave him a little more strength to hold on. She wasn't talking about professional chances, or even adventurous type of things. But personal chances, things that dealt with friends and family.
"I'm not afraid that you've seen my faults, that you know why I act like I do sometimes." She reached up to wipe away a tear, before her hands settled back in her lap. "I want to tear down these walls I've built, Booth. You've helped me so much, breaking through them, but they're coming down now because I can't live the life I want to with them up. The life I want with you." He caught her gaze her and held it for several moments.
"I want that too, but-"
"But you can't live on faith alone." She cut him off with a sad smile, one that conveyed she understood. He truly believed that she did; it was the way her eyes sparkled and hurt at the same time as she spoke to him. He tried to give her a smile, but nothing. He had to hold everything back, even the happiness, just to stop the pain from breaking him. He would not break in front of her.
At least, not until she told him the truth about why she was leaving. Why she wanted to leave him.
"I don't want you to, Seeley." Again, she whispered his name and he felt the same warmth and shiver run through him.
"And I have to give you something in return, instead of just me to hold on to," she said. "Something for the precious time you've wasted on the tears I've never earned." He felt his heart stop for a moment, before reaching out to take her hand. He had never thought the tears were unearned; she had been through so much, and at times when he tried to get through and failed, they came out. Crying for her because she was unable to when she should have. It was just how he coped with it, like how she built walls.
He couldn't help but think that this was an odd role reversal, with him building the walls that she was now breaking down. He kept the smile off his face, but still held onto her hand.
"And for reaching out to help me get back across the bridges that I had burned." She reached up with her other hand, pushing tears back up. "Your love is blind as a bat, Seeley." He raised an eyebrow at her choice of words. He would never have explained it that way. "You don't worry about the bad that can happen, and if you do, you don't let it stop you. You just see into me, the me that I don't know that there some times.
"I know it hurts you to see me stop feeling, but its how I dealt with things before you, Seeley." She shook her head, squeezing his hand tightly. He knew that was how she dealt with things, it had been one of things he was worried about when they started this. But like she said, he wasn't going to let his fears stop him.
"You've helped me find a family, a home that I can return to after a hard day at work." He wanted to asked her if he was in that home, but he could not break his silence. Still her words were pounding against that makeshift wall he built when he told her to leave. "I did all of this, because of you, Seeley. I'm here now because you didn't give up me."
He wanted to nod, he wanted to reach through his own wall to hers, but he had to know. "Then why?" He let his eyes plead for him. "I mean, it couldn't just be the case. We've had worse cases then this."
"I know we have, but..." He could see her eyes going back to that night, and he suppressed a shiver of his own. "But this was the first case like that, where we were together." He nodded, he got that, but he thought she knew she could lean on him. Like he had wanted to lean on her. They sat there for some time, in silence. If there was one thing he liked about their relationship, was that the silence was never uncomfortable or awkward.
Even now, as they sat there, he felt himself building up the courage to say something to her, to try and comfort her. He was glad that he took the chance to speak first.
"I was scared too, Bones," he whispered. He looked at their joined hands and held onto them tighter. The rest of her body tensed as he spoke again. "I knew that something could happen out there, but I trusted you to be safe. I need you to trust me."
"I do trust you," she said. "Its the other people I don't trust."
"Then trust me to protect myself," he said. "God only knows how much trouble you really get yourself, Temperance, but I trust you. That's what all of this is about, you not trusting me enough."
She didn't say anything as her other hand wrapped around their joined ones. "I don't want to feel this way, but I do."
"I know." He felt a tear drop onto their hands. They sat there for some time, and Booth didn't know what else to do, what else he could tell her. His words had gotten her to stay, which was all he wanted, but now that he had that, he wanted her to hold on.
"I want you to make it better, like you have for so long," she said. She pulled on his hands, pulling him toward her. He moved to sit next to her, and felt a little relief as she moved into him. She took his arm and draped it around her, before leaning into him. "You keep leading my back out of the dark, Seeley, and back home. To you." She looked up at a him, and the walls all but crumbled down as she looked as broken as he had ever seen her.
There was fear in her eyes. The only other time he saw her that afraid was when she was kidnapped. He dug her out of there with his bare hands, and he now, he felt himself digging again.
She was afraid he was going to leave, breaking a promise that he had made. He never intended to, but that was how she felt.
"Why did you want to leave?" His voice cracked in the middle. He wanted to show his resolve, his strength, but even that he found fading as she leaned against him. He was used to not having to be the strong guy around her and even now, while fighting for them, he found himself wanting to lean on her. Wanting her to lean on him.
"It's not so much wanting to, its just that I feel like I have to," she said. Her voice was muffled against his shirt, where her tears were beginning to well. He felt them, but did nothing to stop her. "If I leave, then you can't hurt me." This was the same thing she had said earlier, to a degree, but he didn't get a chance to: she spoke first. "But I know you won't. I know, but my head tells me differently."
"Then don't listen to it," he muttered. He ran a hand over his face, not surprised to feel the tears that he hadn't cried. She laughed into his chest, resting there before sitting back to look at him.
Her eyes were bright red and puffy, mascara running slightly down her cheeks. The impression of his shirt buttons were obvious along one cheek. He moved his hand with her, letting it stay on her shoulder.
"I don't want to Seeley, but sometimes, I can't help it," she looked ready to break out into sobs again. He squeezed her shoulders, offering her what comfort he could while still giving her the distance she seemed to be craving. "I don't want to be like that, and you make it so much better, Seeley. You make me listen with this." She grabbed his free hand and placed it over her heart. He felt it beating a mile a minute as she took several deep breaths, trying to calm down a bit. "And you put up with me, with all of my mistakes, all of my faults. Your heart is so kind, Seeley, the way you forgive me and just take me back. Mine could never compare to you."
"You're still here, that means something," he said. She nodded, squeezing his hand with of her hers as she held onto it. He managed a smile, one that she replied with.
"Yeah, I guess," she said. She took another deep breath and he steeled himself against the rise of her breasts into his hand. Not what he needed to be thinking about at the moment.
"Do you know why you run?" Booth asked. He didn't wait for her to answer. "It's because one way is blocked. The way to your heart, you blocked it off. So when you get to it, you can't get there, so you feel like you have to turn back.
"I hate psychology," she muttered, but didn't remove his hand. "You're breaking them down though. The walls I mean." She gave him a half smile before looking down at their hands.
"I can't break the last of them, you need to do that," he said. She nodded before dropping her hands from his. He took his hands back, dropping them in his lap before he started to fiddle with them.
They sat there for quite some time. Booth wasn't sure how long, but he felt like he said the wrong thing to her. He didn't want her to run, but he needed her to know. She had finally told him why she felt like running, and he told her how he saw it. Now it was just a matter of time before she took one of two paths.
"I'm not afraid of the things you know, I'm just a book for you to read," she said. Her gaze rose to meet his and he felt like he could finally see through her walls. All of them. "I want the final words to be special Seeley. I want them to mean something to you. To be for you."
She wasn't going to change who she was. He could tell that by how she looked at him. She'd still be his Bones, the one believed in science and logic more than she ever would emotions. Someone who insisted that she be able to drive, that she should be allowed to carry a gun. But there is was; that little spark she was willing to give him, the one that held everything, that had stolen a piece of his heart.
"I may never say the words Seeley," Bones said. He shrugged his shoulders, not tearing his eyes away from hers. The words were in her, and he could see them, feel them. What did he need to hear than when they were so clear to him. "I'd like to think that the final words in my life would be 'Amen.' Not because I believe in God." She leaned forward, tilting her head slightly. He met her halfway, letting her steal his breath away as they kissed for the first time since all of this started. "But because I believe in you," she paused, staring at him before chancing a small smile, "and us."
"I love you too, Bones," he said as he pulled back. "We cool?"
"I'm fairly warm actually." She gave him an odd look, one that he hadn't seen in a while either. He couldn't help but let out a laugh. "What's so funny?"
"No matter how much you think you may change Bones, I don't think you ever will." He wrapped his left hand around her neck, pulling her back in for another world searing kiss. As he pulled back, she continued to lean forward, resting once again on his chest. "You may think your heart is vulnerable now, but it isn't. Now that you've given it to me, just like I let you protect mine, I'll protect yours."
"Thank you Seeley." She wrapped her arms around him tighter. "I'll do my best."
"You never do anything less."