Moonlit Wishes
Part IX
Disclaimer: I do not own Days of our Lives or the characters.
It took Sami a few minutes for the tears to stop even if she couldn't stop her heart from aching. Maybe she would have been better off leaving when she found the custody agreement because gaining insight into EJ's current mindset was tearing her up emotionally. How could he manage to remember all these details, things most people would have long forgotten, yet somehow he brought up things that had been important to them both at one time or another?
She almost didn't pick up the next letter, but damn her curious nature she just couldn't let it lay there because whether or not it made her cry she wanted to know what else was on EJ's mind. She carefully opened the letter not wanting to rip the envelope and started reading again.
My Dear Samantha,
Really if you had wanted me out of your life, when Lucas shot me would have been the perfect opportunity for you. Remember how I ordered you to leave me alone, yet you kept coming back. Sometimes I wonder if it was because you were scared of my father's retaliation towards your family or if some part of you actually cared for me. I wanted you to go, but you being the stubborn creature you are, refused to listen to me. You know if you listened to me then who knows what could have happened, but of course you wouldn't listen to me. Sadly you almost never do…
You should have left that day I told you to go and never came back. I gave you an out, told you I wanted to be alone, yet you refused.
Why did you come back?
EJ
The fear she had felt when EJ had been shot at their wedding, to see him fall in slow motion to the floor had been bad enough, especially when her family had all begged her before the ceremony began not to marry him in the first place. She wouldn't listen to them, she had been sure she would be the one to end the DiMera/Brady feud and then EJ had been shot by Lucas.
The worst of it was that part of her had wanted to marry EJ and not to end the feud either, but she would never admit it to another living soul ever for as long as she lived. Her families had warned her and then look what had happened to EJ when she even for a minute tried to follow her heart.
Sami slumped against the treasure laden chest, her mind traveling back to the time in the hospital after EJ thought he would be paralyzed for the rest of his life. Just like yesterday little snippets of their conversations they had with one another in the hospital came rushing back to her. When she told EJ she cared for him and that he had to fight to live for their son that he couldn't give up just because he might never walk again. Even though she did give him a bunch of platitudes she hadn't been strong enough to tell him that she loved him although she led him to believe it could be a possibility.
She recalled standing at the door to EJ's hospital room not sure whether she should stay or go when she heard him ask, "You leaving so soon? "
Opening the door a little more and walking into the room she countered back with "How are you feeling? "
"What are you doing here, Samantha? Hmmm? "
"I wanted to see you. I, um - I was worried about you."
"I'm sure you've heard the, um, wonderful news. I can't move my legs."
"It might not be permanent."
"Don't. Don't pretend that you care. In fact, I'd much rather that you didn't."
"I do care EJ, I was terrified. I didn't know if you were going to make it."
"Well, I did, didn't I? At least part of me did."
"It's too soon. They can't possibly know…"
"Don't. Don't. Do not start. What were you going to say? Keep your chin up, EJ?"
"I can understand you being angry, but I want to help. I - what can I do?"
She could hear the weariness in his voice, "Leave."
Once again she shook her head, "I'm not going to do that."
When he saw she wasn't going to go away he said, "All right, then stay. Tell me what you're doing here."
"I already did."
"Right, you care about me."
"Yeah, and I'm - and I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? Why are you sorry? Did you shoot me? "
"Of course not."
"Then why are you sorry?"
"For what you're going through, for the pain that you must be in. I feel for you, that's all."
"That's rich coming from somebody who promised to make my life miserable. Well, congratulations. I'm in hell, and I'm sure you're loving every second of it. Don't. Don't pretend that you care. In fact, I'd much rather that you didn't."
"I said that I wanted to make our marriage as miserable as possible, but I did not mean this."
"Well...you got what you wanted within moments of us being married, so like I said, congratulations."
"I never wanted something like this to happen. EJ, it's horrible seeing you like this."
"Well, nobody's keeping you here. Why don't you get out?"
"I wish I could."
"What's stopping you?"
"You, EJ, you're probably not gonna believe this...but I didn't leave you after you were shot. I was holding you in my arms, I was with you when the paramedics stabilized you, and I sat with Stefano, waiting to hear your prognosis. Want to know why? Because I... I thought you might need me. How stupid is that?"
"I don't want your pity."
They argued some more and then he made her leave, telling her once again to go, screaming for her to get out of the room, to go home to Lucas and when she did just that she couldn't believe that Lucas was glad EJ was hurt and that they would be better off if she didn't go back to see EJ. It didn't help matters when visions of her Great Aunt Colleen came to her with the words of wisdom that EJ needed her and maybe just maybe part of her was scared that she did care and love EJ despite all her protests.
She did return to the hospital and of course argued with EJ some more and after she crawled on the side of his hospital bed she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. It shook her to the core when their lips touched and somehow that gesture convinced him that she cared and her out of leaving him alone during his time of need disappeared into thin air.
EJ had been right, she could have left him, he begged and ordered her to go, but she fought to stay by his side, claiming to herself he needed her. Yet could it have been that she had also needed him too? Why oh why couldn't she have ever just tell the truth? That she was confused having feelings for both Lucas and him at the same time. She never could be honest with anyone least of all herself. Honesty really sucked especially when it could change your entire life and realizing that time had yet another opportunity she had spurned because she was too afraid to go against her family even when she had felt something for EJ beyond the pretty little lies she created for him to fight to survive.
The last line of this letter resounded in her mind. Why had she come back to him? She sighed knowing she had only scratched the surface of what EJ had left for her made her think what other realizations would she come to before the day was over if only three of his letters had affected her so much in so little time.
Dialogue in bold italics was taken from November 13-16, 2007 Days USA airings.
Moonlit Wishes
Part X
Sami took out the next letter and opened it wondering what EJ would tell her this time. It was like he was here with her, but at the same time he wasn't and it was more than a little bit disconcerting to read his words yet not being able to see him face to face. She had so many memories of him, ones she had pushed aside and now reading his words was making her heart and mind go back to the times she had tried her best to forget.
Dear Samantha,
I miss my brother Tony. I never really knew what you meant about missing your twin brother Eric until there came a time that I seek out Tony for advice and he wasn't there for me anymore. While you are very fortunate Eric is alive and well and you can visit him, I don't have the same luxury with Tony.
I guess the reason I am telling you this is because I never told you that Father came back into my hospital room after you had left to go back to the twins (and let's be honest shall we Lucas too) to tell me that while he was happy for me that I had married for love (at least it was love on my part) that Giovanni was to be raised by the DiMera's not you.
I told him you were going to raise our child and we would be a family, you were part of my family and still he wouldn't listen to my words. I tried to explain to him that maybe if he hadn't of kept me so close growing up that I would be more empathic to people, more human if you will and he scoffed at me over my foolishness reminding me that family was everything. He said for me to never forget who I was and that was a DiMera. We were not weak and his grandson would not be brought up by the Brady's.
I knew then what you had been trying to tell me about Father was correct and after I came home from the hospital and it was painfully obvious that you still wanted to be with Lucas and I knew you had went (slept-don't deny it-I'm not judging you for your actions) to him while we were married and it hurt me so badly I said and did things to you to make you want out from our marriage. I tried to get you to wait a while, but you know how determined you get when you have something on your mind and I knew I had to make you change your mind about me. I was getting stronger each day, although I withheld that information from you because I wanted you with me instead of you being with Lucas.
It was Christmas albeit a lonely one for me because you weren't with me, but at least I had the comfort of Johnny's love and I wanted to be a man he would be proud of to call his father and I also wanted to be a man you would be proud of too. I really was hoping for things that just weren't going to come to fruition, but I was sincere in my wishes at the time. Don't roll your eyes I can be sincere and never more so than when it concerned you and the children.
So I called Tony and he met me at the church of all places. You know churches and I don't really jive much, but I thought it was the place I needed to go. Tony agreed to meet me, I think he was curious more than anything else and he gave me some sage advice concerning my situation.
He made a few jokes in his dry humor kind of way, relegating that it was a good sign the church was still standing all the while reminding me that while Father was aware of religion he never was one to practice it. Thinking back now to the times Father took me to mass it really didn't have much significance to me beyond the time it took out of our schedule to attend and I really didn't believe in a higher power. The DiMera's had power enough or at least that is what Father taught us to believe and while I know now that is definitely not true it never occurred to me to talk to God to believe in good things and to think He would answer prayers especially any kind of prayer that I might attempt to send His way.
We really were brought up differently, yet for all of your family's religious upbringings they sure don't have much of that forgiveness quality to them unless you happen to be a Brady. I'm not going into that now though because I don't want you to leave in a tissy before you finish the rest of the letters. I have seen you throw some huge hissy fits in my time and now is not the time for you to throw one.
To get back to what I wanted to tell you about Tony. I told him I thought you had walked out on me for good this time, and that you were finished with me. Tony didn't seem so surprised, but it really did surprise me. Tony asked what did I offer for you to stay with me and I brought up I'd ensure protection from Father, to take you away from Salem to have a life full of adventure.
Tony scoffed at me, saying I offered you everything but my heart. Samantha you had my heart from the start. Tony asked did I put your well being before mine, did I put your happiness before my own and that made me stop and think. I wanted you with a single-mindness and purpose and it never occurred to me not to take whatever steps I needed to take to make you mine. Don't you understand I thought that was the way of the world, you took what you wanted and the strong survived?
Tony told me something so profound, something I had never considered before. He said ruining lives was not difficult; making a life together with someone was real work. He told me I had to stand up against Father and be my own man.
So after he left me alone, I did something I had never done before. I prayed.
I prayed that I wasn't quite sure where to start that I loved my father, but I couldn't be like him and honor his ways. I was sorry for the people I had hurt and the things that I had done. I wanted to be a good father to my son. I wanted to know what is was like to love someone truly without any conditions and not for myself and I wanted to know what it was like to feel that kind of love. I begged for another chance to be with you Samantha. I promised to be a changed man.
I just wanted so much and needed you so much. Maybe if I had grown up with that kind of love I would be a different man today. I don't know, but it doesn't seem like my prayers got too far that day. I hid behind things, didn't say things I should have said to you or maybe should have tried to say them another way. I don't know, I just really don't know.
EJ
Sami took a deep breath wiping the tears from her eyes again wondering herself what she could have done differently. Maybe if she would have known what EJ was really thinking, but she shook her head and told herself you didn't want to know, you didn't want to think EJ could love you because he was a DiMera that he would be willing to do whatever it took for me to love him the way he loved me.
Damn it both their lives were so screwed up.
Moonlit Wishes
Part XI
She must be a glutton for punishment, Sami thought as she took the next letter out that was addressed to her, she paused momentarily noticing the handwriting on the front looked a slight bit shaky. Could this be a good or bad sign?
Whatever it meant EJ had her captivated hook, line and sinker, which caused her to lightly laugh even though the tears were still fresh on her cheeks from his words with these letters and mementos of their tangled past. Whether she liked to admit it or not and not usually ruled that competition, EJ had drawn her into his world from the first time they had crossed paths.
My darling Samantha,
Had to take a break for a while, my thoughts were becoming too morose. Religion seems to have that sort of effect on me, so I got out a bottle of Jack, cracked it open and poured myself a good stiff drink. After one or two I felt a bit better. I know the alcohol isn't good for me, but when have I ever stayed away from what isn't good for me?
You being the prime example of that sort of reasoning, I know you aren't fond of my drinking; the good news is that I'm not a certifiable lush unlike some of your other paramours. Speaking of which, one thing that never failed to keep me coming round was that incredible mouth of yours.
What was is about your kisses that haunted my dreams? If you only knew some of them you'd either be tempted to see what I was talking about or run away screaming, knowing your penchant for running I'm sure it would be the latter, but if you stayed what might happen? Hmmmm…
Do you remember our kisses? Do you ever think about them? Did I ever make you feel one tenth of the emotion you seemed to bring out in me when our lips touched?
Don't you ever wish we could kiss again? Or would that be way more than you could handle my dear, sweet, decadent Samantha?
EJ
Sami put down the letter. Damn him for bringing up their kisses. Of course she thought of them from time to time, what woman in their right mind could forget how mesmerizing EJ's kisses could be? Then she argued with herself she tried her best to forget them because kissing EJ was addictive which was one of many reasons she had most times tried to refrain from kissing him in the first place, seriously the man was talented.
There was this one time, she pondered traveling back into time right after she and Austin hadn't gotten married thinking this had to be normal right? Other people must have experienced this feeling, right? She asked herself as he pinned her against the cushions of her sofa with his body. This overwhelming feeling to touch him was what every woman felt when she hadn't seen someone as intriguing as EJ since the day before, right? She wondered slowly losing her train of thought when his fingers danced along her back, slipping beneath the hemline of her shirt. She knew she must have sighed or moaned because she felt him smile against her already tingling lips.
Adding to the fact that he was shirtless and she could feel the rock hard abs of his pressed against her not the mention that other place that was rock hard on EJ too. He had told her she deserved someone better than Austin, someone who would love her as she was, not someone she had to strive to become to be, a better person because she was shouldn't be someone's second chance or choice, she should be first and the way he was kissing her she guessed was his way of driving home that particular point.
"What?" She breathed out in nothing more than a light whisper. He didn't reply but instead seized her lips for another mind numbing kiss. He slid his hands further up her back, causing her to arch against him. It didn't matter that a mere day before she had almost married another man, a very different man than the person who had just shed his shirt off before laying her down on this couch coming onto her like she was the most desirable female on the planet. She just wanted, no needed, him closer if that was at all possible. The hands she had pressed against his chest had somehow made their way into his hair as she pressed her entire body against him, proud when she heard him let out a throaty moan of his own and knowing he wanted her as much as she wanted him.
Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew this was all types of wrong considering it made her look more that slightly slutty since the previous day she had worn another man's engagement ring on her finger, but hey she had called the wedding off so that had to count for something didn't it? Even though she and EJ were going at it like a couple of horny teenagers who were learning the new intimacies of one another with these first forays of ever increasing amorous touches, when she felt his tongue against the seam of her lips that really didn't seem to matter all that much. Her lips parted on what seemed like their own accord and greedily accepted his tongue's demands with her own. As their kisses became more demanding and rough, she strained against him, both loving and hating the friction of his chest against hers. He must have felt it to because his kisses became more frantic before he pressed his lower body against hers more firmly so she could easily feel the impact she was having on him.
Of course they would have to be interrupted, but maybe it had been for the best because if Austin and Lucas hadn't intruded upon them she might have slept with EJ that day and then where would that had led them? She closed her eyes damning herself for letting memories of those first kisses between them distract her, remembering things like that only clouded her judgment and called to her inner slut which she absolutely refused to let EJ bring out in her.
She didn't need to be reminded of how drugging those kisses could be, hell just remembering one make out session with him was getting her all hot and bothered and she was just sitting here all alone in this house now wishing she had some of whatever EJ had been drinking when he set out to write her this letter.
She threw the letter down on the floor and pushed herself up, wondering if he had left anything behind whenever he had decided to do this soul searching mission of his which of course had involved dragging her all along with him no matter how unknowingly she had been when she had first opened the door to what she considered their haven from the storm years ago.
She stood up, raising her hands above her head, instantly aware of heightened awareness of the sensitivity of her breasts and that was just from thinking about EJ. It wasn't fair that he knew how to tap into the depths of her sexuality with mere words and who knew if that was even his original intention when he wrote this letter to her about something as simple as kisses? She rolled her eyes of course that had to have been his intention. EJ always pushed her to the boundaries of what she had deemed secure, he was dark and dangerous and no good for her in any shape or form whatsoever.
She stretched and looked around, sure enough on a roll top desk there was an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels, she walked to the desk and it was like she could see EJ sitting there scribbling out his various thoughts to her in these letters, pausing occasionally to take a drink. She reached for the bottle thinking well for once they were in agreement, she needed a drink too, although hers was not one needed to shake off the moroseness of the mood, rather she needed this to get him out of her head because unwittingly her body didn't mind those memories as badly as her mind seemed to do.
She opened the bottle and drank straight from it, not bothering with finding a glass, all she needed was a couple of sips and the Jack would do its magic. She placed the bottle down, wiping her mouth before closing the cap back onto the bottle wishing all the while she could forget how it felt when EJ kissed her.
She hissed, realizing the alcohol wasn't going to erase those memories, no more than all the other things she had done to try to erase them from her mind. Damn him, EJ never did play fair, never…
Moonlit Wishes
Part XII
Sami wandered around the house for a few minutes, imaging she'd see EJ just around the corner, with these letters of his to her it felt like he was close by, yet she knew that wasn't true. It was like he was just laying it all out there for her to see, nothing encumbered with him saying one thing yet meaning another, or was it?
He had her so confused, why had he decided to give her full custody of the kids? Even after reading the letters she had read so far all it had done was make her remember the way he used to be before he had closed himself off to her. She used to know what he was thinking or at least she'd had enough arrogance about herself that she believed she knew what he was up to, but now she wasn't so sure. Could this all be a trick of some sorts?
She guessed if she wanted to know and since it was apparent that EJ wasn't here she would have to read onto the next batch of letters. She glanced at her watch knowing the time was passing in the day, but she was determined to finish the letters. She'd still be home before Rafe returned which was good because she really didn't feel like explaining how she had spent the day without him.
She kind of wished she didn't have to explain anything to him and then she stopped herself from thinking such thoughts. Rafe was good to her, better than anyone had ever been before. Her mind argued if he was so good to you than why are you here reading letters from EJ and thinking about him instead.
She told her mind to be quiet; she wasn't going to answer that question. Right now she had more letters to read.
She walked over to her spot on the floor and reached inside the trunk to get the next letter. She noted his handwriting on this letter seemed to have lost the shakiness, she guessed EJ wasn't drinking when he wrote this particular missive to her. Hopefully that meant he wasn't going to delve into their physical relationship in the letter, goodness knows she was already hot and bothered enough after that last letter she had read from him.
Dear Samantha,
To state that you and I have very dissimilar opinions concerning my father would be a gross understatement. While you hated Stefano with every fiber of your being because as you told me time and time again he was a monster, I did in fact love my father. I know this was a major hurdle that always stood between us, but I thought someday you'd come to see him as I did, a man who loved his family, just as your father loved your family.
The day I realized you were right about Stefano was the first time I had ever felt fear, true gut wrenching fear. I mean sure, I'd been scared before everyone gets scared but outright fear wasn't an emotion I was accustomed to feeling.
I'd go to the mansion to speak with Stefano about keeping Lucas alive after he had shot me. You were worried that my father would put out a hit on Lucas in retaliation for the shooting and it was a valid reason, as you know my father isn't the most forgiving man in the world.
I had let myself in and heard what I thought was a scream. While sometimes we get strange noises in the mansion a scream is one that is not a welcome one and it bothered me. I questioned Rolf about it and of course he told me now was not the time to visit my father.
I had already made Stefano upset by telling him days earlier there was no way he would see Johnny unsupervised and I needed to get his assurance that Lucas would come to no harm (the things I would do for you back in the day) which by the way Lucas was not grateful for my help at all.
Well when I finally found my way to the room where Father had his houseguest to say I was in shock would have been lying I couldn't believe my eyes. That was when I knew firsthand what fear was when I was looking at your step father John strapped to a table, alive yet not alive.
When I realized the lengths my father would go to get what he thought was necessary for revenge I was scared, not for myself, but for you and the twins. I knew when he came into the room proclaiming this was his best creation yet and that I was not going to turn against him that he would harm the people I cared about if I went against his wishes.
Funny how I wasn't worried about me, but knowing he might hurt you or those precious babies made me absolutely sick to my stomach. Before it had been just me, then you came into my life and things changed. I know you don't believe me after all the things we have said and done to one another, but I never wanted any harm to come to you especially from my father.
I realized my father was cruel and heartless and while you said I would be free from my father's control after I told what Stefano had done to John I only felt alone. I had no one, no family because you had told me time and time again I was not your family.
You did tell me while we were talking that evening by the fireplace that I had done the right thing by betraying Stefano, that I was a better man for it. I really wanted to believe you in that moment, I really did because I had turned on my father, turned my back on my way of life for you and the children. I only wish you had meant it.
EJ
Sami folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope sighing, she had thought EJ was a better man for what he had done; she guessed she should have tried hard to convince him of her sincerity. There was a lot of things she should have tried harder on concerning EJ, but she knew better than most the road to hell was paved with good intentions and she'd let opportunity after opportunity slip by her.
Now look where they were, they weren't even friends who talked with one another anymore, much less anything else…
Moonlit Wishes
Part XIII
Sami took the next letter out to read, noting there were still many more left for her after this one, plus she could see other things placed further down in the pile that she guessed would go with other letters for her. Thinking the day was passing she needed to get on with reading or there was no telling what time she would be finished with the entire stack.
Dearest Samantha,
Our time at the cabin when we along with the twins went into witness protection meant many things to me, I learned how it could be to feel like being in a real family, one that actually cared about one another instead of how most times the DiMera family gatherings usually consisted of creating ways to one up the other instead. It was a unique experience. I never knew I could adequately care for two small children at the same time and if I do say so myself I found out that I could handle it pretty well. I actually learned more things about you too, maybe even gained some insight into understanding you, although I honestly think I could spend my entire life trying to understand what makes you tick and still not grasp the complete concept.
If you didn't know it already, I was so impressed by you. I mean you are an incredible mother, the things you knew, the ways you went about taking care of those precious babies made me even more enamored of you than I already was and that is saying a lot. Just to think how much my life changed after the twins were born was like going from night unto day.
Yet it seemed the more I connected with the children and you know I made no difference between Johnny and Allie, the more determined you were to remind me of the fact that Allie was not my daughter. I'd be lying if I didn't say hearing you tell me she wasn't my daughter broke my heart a little more each time you brought the subject up to me. It didn't matter that she wasn't mine, I loved her like she was, I changed her diapers, held her when she cried, sang her to sleep and when she was sick I stayed up all night with her so that you could get some much needed rest.
The things I did weren't a tally sheet to let you know how I helped out, rather just to let you know I did all those things willingly. I was proud I could take care of them, that the baby throw up on my clothes or the loss of sleep or how silly I had to act to make them stop crying all combined to show me I was capable of loving someone other than myself. It taught me not to be selfish, not to think of myself first which had been ingrained into my very being from birth.
I finally realized the world did not revolve around me, EJ DiMera, and while it was a humbling experience for me it was also something that helped me grow as a person. So whether you realized it or not, you helped me become a better father. I know many times you do not think I am a good father, but I would sacrifice my life for my children without a second's hesitation, just as you would.
I think we have both lost sight of that fact these past few years and for that I am truly sorry. I want to regain that feeling of awe and accomplishment that was instilled into me during that special time we shared together even if for the most part you wanted out of there, but if I'd had my choice we would have stayed longer.
Maybe if we had, you would have seen more of the real me, the one who didn't care about being a world class traveler, the power hungry mogul, instead you would have seen the person who wanted to build a life with you and our children. There are so many maybes swooping around right now in my mind and after I began writing these letters to you I don't know if I am even more confused about who I am, but one thing for certain is that I am forever grateful for you teaching me how to be a parent.
EJ
Sami folded the letter while she was thinking EJ really had put some time and thought into writing these letters. It made her wonder why he even thought she was worth the effort because no one else had ever done anything remotely like this for her ever.
She recalled their time at the cabin, she had been thankful for EJ's help with the children, yet she had complained about being stuck there with him and not being with the man she loved. She shook her head; Lucas had not been the love of her life after all. She had been wrong about Lucas and looking back she had been wrong to discourage EJ from expressing his love for Allie and even worse she nixed any effort from him to grow closer to her.
What would things have been like if she had been more receptive to EJ during that time in their lives?
She guessed she would never know the answer to that question because once again she saw she'd closed her mind to such a possibility that EJ even wanted to be a parent and her partner more than anything else. She hadn't realized he would have even been proud of doing those mundane things, yet when he described those things in this letter now she knew.
She should have realized so many things that she had took for granted and it made her feel ashamed to have EJ being grateful to her for the meager crumbs she had thrown his way. EJ really had deserved much better, yet he had never got it from her.
Moonlit Wishes
Part XIV
Dear Samantha,
After we were back in Salem and in our separate apartments again, your idea-not mine, at least you allowed me to help out with the care of the twins. When your grandfather Shawn Sr. passed away on the way back from Ireland, I knew you were sad, your entire family was sad because you all lost the patriarch of the Brady family.
I really didn't know what to do to help you beyond taking care of the twins; most times I was surprised you allowed me that privilege. When you wanted me to bring them to the pub that day I did, even though I knew my presence wasn't welcome there. All of your family despised me, I was a DiMera after all, the root of all evil, yet when I went outside to get some fresh air, surprisingly your grandmother Caroline came out there too.
She did something I never expected, she talked to me, telling me she understood why I was feeling the way I did when I was in the pub and now outside. I was puzzled, I mean there she was grieving the loss of her husband, why would she care how I was feeling.
Then she told me the look I had was one of that I had made mistakes, but that I wanted to fix them. I couldn't believe she could gather all that from a look, but she told me of making the worst mistake of her life by betraying her husband and their wedding vows.
I told her she didn't need to talk about it, although she plainly told me that she had been forgiven and if it helped me for her to talk about it, then that is what she should do. I told her that I didn't see how talking about it was going to help me and she said she knew how much I cared about you, which I did, funny how your grandmother could see it even if you couldn't or rather wouldn't see it.
She believed I was trying to change and I was and that some mistakes could actually bring some good from them although I had a hard time believing from all the horrible things my family had done to you that good could come of it. She said she had Bo from her worst mistake, her wonderful Bo (Not that I think Bo is all kinds of wonderful, but after all he is her son) and that was a good result.
Her words got me to thinking, I hadn't thought about it that way and she invited me to your grandfather's funeral. She said while his death was a tragedy it had brought your family closer and made you all realize you should live every moment of life to the fullest.
After hearing those words I promised to be there. I don't make a lot of promises so I was determined I would keep my word. When I tried to tell you about it later at your apartment, you kind of blew me off (shocking I know) saying your grandmother was confused and missing her husband which you stressed the word husband using your less than subtle way of trying to tell me you missed Lucas because I knew you sure as hell weren't missing me or really even wanting me around much.
I was ready to just go until you were trying to remember exactly what it was that you'd last said to your grandfather and when the tears welled in your eyes I couldn't help myself. I told you to come here and I brought you close to me and held you while you cried, I doubt you even realized I kissed the top of your head, it wasn't something of passion, rather I wanted to comfort you, to be the one who you confided in when you were in pain and could help stop your tears. Your eyes are much too beautiful to have tears in them.
When you pulled back away, I wanted nothing more than to kiss your lips and for a brief moment I thought you wanted the same and then of course you pulled away, somehow you always pulled away before we could get too close.
I should have caught your hand and pulled you back to me. I should have kissed you because my entire being wanted to so badly.
Oh how I wish you hadn't of pulled away.
EJ
Sami closed her eyes after she finished reading this letter and recalled that time, knowing exactly what EJ meant, she had almost kissed him, let him comfort her like she thought he wanted to do, but of course she'd been afraid. If she let EJ into her heart she would be lost herself, so she did the only thing she was good at and that was walk away before he could have a chance to melt her heart and break down the wall she had erected against him.
Moonlit Wishes
Part XV
My dear, dear Samantha,
I knew you'd be spooked after our hug and the almost kiss. I don't know why I thought you would want me around. You wanted me gone, couldn't ask me fast enough about us getting an annulment. So I decided to see what would happen if you thought I really would be gone.
I drew up the annulment papers as you asked, even though I never wanted it at all. I held my breath thinking you'd sign them as quick as you saw them and then it would be over, you'd have me out of your life. Then I thought what the hell and I decided to see if you would miss me.
I think you didn't really want me to go or when you thought I was going to be deported you said the annulment papers could wait. It was nice to joke with you after we got past the point where you realized that it was unsettling to be disowned by your family, even a family as nefarious as the DiMera's.
You told me to get a plan, well I had one darling. When we worked together nothing could stop us. Mr. Burke was a huge pain in the arse, he gave us both a hard time at the pub yet you told him off that he would be lucky if anyone ever loved him as much as I loved you. I wanted to shout to the heavens because that never was a truer statement even if you were being all melodramatically maniacal about it.
You just impressed the hell out of me that day and then when I convinced you to go along with the other meeting to the man with absolutely no sense of humor Mr. Burke at Chez Rouge. That night you were absolutely stunning. I was so proud for you to be my wife even if you were just playing along for me.
You wanted to help me and it was all I could do not to burst out in laughter when you told the waiter to take my fish back and make it raw, the thing that almost had me rolling on the floor laughing when we were talking about all the time we spent making love, our incessant lovemaking so to speak.
You were amazing that night and it reminded me of how easily we played off one another when and if the need arose. I was so surprised you didn't pull away when I kissed you even though my toe was nearly broken by those Louboutin's of yours.
I fell more in love with you that night, arguing with you and all I wanted to reach over and kiss you senseless. Of course I didn't, but I think you liked arguing with me too. I think you didn't know what to think when Mickey said we argued like an old married couple. His comment flustered you for sure.
Oh how I wish we still could playfully argue with one another without trying to tear each other apart.
Missing you,
EJ
Sami smiled thinking about that night at Chez Rouge. It was fun playing word games with EJ seeing who could one up each other all the while trying to convince the humorless Mr. Burke that their relationship was real.
Then a thought came unbidden to her, what would it have been like if it had all been for real instead of them playing a game? What indeed?
Moonlit Wishes
Part XVI
Dear Samantha,
After the latest interview with Mr. Burke didn't go over all that well even though I personally thought it was a hit, it was evident we needed some help from our families. I knew you wanted nothing from the DiMera's unless you called John a DiMera and god knows none of the Brady's ever wanted to be linked with the DiMera's.
We swallowed our pride and went to the mansion to find Marlena hoping she would let us move in with her, but she wasn't prepared to house all of us in her apartment, but she graciously offered to move to a bigger apartment so that we could all move in together. Then she changed her mind, but after saying it wasn't really a good time she offered an alternate suggestion.
We could all move into the mansion with John. Of course both of us said no, John was kind of wacky especially having Rolf there as his butler instead of mad scientist. We DiMera's do give out some interesting jobs within our organization sometimes, don't we?
I didn't think John would let us stay at the mansion, but somehow he agreed to let us move in and of course Marlena thought it would help John in the long run.
I never thought we'd move into the mansion, yet we did and suddenly our lives took another interesting turn. I couldn't believe that I finally got my wife (no matter how you deny it you were my wife at the time) and children to live in the DiMera main household, the DiMansion if you will.
John was more than a bit unwelcoming, but in all honesty I thought he was way more interesting than he had been before. At least his views were outspoken and it always made for an interesting time.
To think John said he didn't trust me was funny because I didn't trust him either. He was all about the money and power of being a DiMera and it flipped you and your family out. But really is the money and power all that bad?
I just had to ask. Right now I imagine you speaking out about the evils of the DiMera money and power. Sometimes the money and power was a good thing, I could get what I wanted with one major exception.
I could never get you.
Well at least we had a new home to go to even if you insisted on separate bedrooms. You always were one to drive a hard bargain.
I had hope for the first time in a while, I had a job working with Mickey Horton, my family was living all together under one roof and I thought things were looking up. At least they were until that was until the night we were having dinner at Chez Rouge and the woman who wrecked all of our lives came into it.
Nicole Walker.
EJ
Sami could actually feel her blood pressure rise when she read the name listed in his letter. She hated that woman worse that anyone on the planet, EJ included in that list which really was saying something because EJ was a person whom she had grown to hate over the past few years.
Sami thought back to that night wishing EJ would have listened to her, Nicole Walker was nothing but trouble and she had brought it all into their lives.
Trouble in spades…