Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters.

— The 109-Year-Old Virgin —

( -Edward POV -)

"Wow, Edward, your control could rival even Carlisle's!" Alice yelled happily as she danced into the room.

There was a large grin stretched over her face, and she was laughing happily when she spotted me and Bella on the couch. Bella was in my lap, her small body curled close to mine. I was playing with her hair, and she was smiling softly, tiredly, as we sat in silence, completely comfortable.

Well, we were sitting in silence until Alice had run up to the door, slammed it open, and burst in, that is.

But, oh well.

"What, exactly, do you mean, Alice?" I asked calmly, wishing more than anything that she wasn't blocking her thoughts from me.

"I mean ... Edward! We were all really impressed when you started going out with Bella, because her blood is so irresistible to you and all ... but this ... this... like I said, your control rivals Carlisle's."

At this point, I was sure I didn't want to hear what she was dying to say. I wanted to hear it even less when the rest of the family piled into the living room and Carlisle raised an eyebrow.

"What about me?" he asked, having only heard the last few words of her sentence. He, and everyone else except Alice, was confused.

"Oh, me and Eddie are just having a little conversation about his amazing self control."

Carlisle merely looked amused as he sat on the couch opposite to me and Bella; Esme joined him. Everyone else remained standing. Alice's grin grew to dangerous proportions; if she wasn't careful, her face was going to split in half.

"Care to share what's so amusing, Alice?"I asked, rolling my eyes and rubbing Bella's back soothingly; she yawned sleepily.

"I had a vision last night about what you and Bella got up to while — "

I was suddenly on my feet, glaring fiercely at Alice, my eyes dangerous and my hands clenched at my sides. Bella was looking surprised, on the couch, where I'd just disappeared from under her.

My words were loud, and as dangerous as my eyes.

"Alice, if you say a single word about that, I will kill—!"

"Bella tried to seduce him again last night!"

Six pairs of eyes were suddenly on Bella. Bella was suddenly trying to melt into the couch, her face bright red. I was suddenly about half an inch away from Alice, and Alice was suddenly laughing.

"Seriously, though," Emmett joined in, a grin on his face as he slapped me on the back. I glared at him before turning my attention back to Alice. Emmett continued. "How do you do it? First, you, even though her blood is so irresistible to you, spend more time around Bella than could possibly be healthy for you — when was the last time you left her for more than five minutes? — and now you repeatedly manage to refrain from banging her—"

I whirled away from Alice only to clamp my hand around Emmett's throat, effectively stopping his words. He was gasping for the breath he didn't need as he tried to claw my hands from his throat.

When I didn't let him go, Jasper started.

"It's not easy for Edward," he said, and he, too, was grinning. "You should feel the sexual frustration that rolls off of him in waves occasionally. Well ... a lot of the time, actually."

Was my whole family against me? What ... what had I ever done to them?

Carlisle, intensely amused, laughed and added, "You know, Edward, if it makes you feel better, it's actually not as hard as you think it is to keep control during ... intercourse ... with a human."

The laughter from every single one of my siblings — Rosalie included, which surprised me; she was never interested in my, or Bella's, personal life — was cut off when Esme turned on Carlisle. The look on her face could only be described as one thing: Livid.

"And how would you know that Carlisle Jonathan Cullen!?"

He paled visibly. I raised an eyebrow, and turned on my father. Esme was still glaring.

"Esme, honey — "

"Don't "Esme Honey" me!"

He gulped.

"I've never cheated on you, honey!" he said, his eyes wide as he spoke softly, sweetly. "It was over three-hundred years ago! I could never, ever even think of another woman when I have you."

She relaxed a little, but didn't fully let it go. Sadly, as soon as the excitement was over and Carlisle was allowed within ten feet of his wife, everyone's attention turned back to me.

"Soo ... " Alice said, grinning again. "How does it feel being an one hundred and nine-year-old virgin, Edward?"

"All right, that's enough!"

My eyes grew wide, and I turned around in surprise to see Bella sitting up on the couch, a pillow clutched to her chest as she shifted her glare to each of my family in turn. I couldn't help but smile; she was standing up for me.

Or ... so I thought.

"I'm leaving, Edward, and don't you dare come over until you've dealt with them."

Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle all burst into roars of laughter. I just stared after her, blinking a few times before raising protest.

"You can't leave me here all alone, Bella!" I whined, my eyes wide. She giggled.

"You're not alone," she pointed out, smiling smugly as she stuck her hands through her jacket and sat on the floor to pull her shoes on. "Besides, I'm not the one hundred and nine-year-old virgin. I'm only eighteen, so I have a few years."

My wide-eyed stare turned into a begging glance.

"Bella, please ... besides, what if you hurt yourself on the way home?"

"I won't hurt myself ... right, Alice?"

The small, pixie-like girl nodded happily and said, "She'll make it home, safe and sound."

I ground my teeth together, but not in anger. No, I could never be mad at my Bella. Instead, it was in frustration at my family, and worry for my love.

The door slammed, and I suddenly felt empty. Bella had abandoned me ...

I whirled on my family, my pout still in place. I was about to say something to shut everyone up, but Esme beat me to it. Her words, full of happiness and laughter, served to shut everyone up for a very long time.

"I'm very proud of my one hundred and nine-year-old virgin of a son, for waiting until marriage."

Everyone laughed, but Esme wasn't finished yet. When she spoke again, her words were directed at everyone in general, but her eyes were only on Carlisle.

"Unlike the rest of you!"

I laughed brightly and ran out of the door to find my Bella before my family's attention could turn back to me.

Poor Carlisle ...

Well ... this one served more to torture Carlisle and Edward, and not so much Bella and Edward.

NOTE: So ... as you've noticed, this has turned into a one-shot collection. I'm not sure how often I'll update ... Ideas would be appreciated, and the idea-giver would be credited!

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