Chapter 2 – A Baby Changes Everything
Katniss felt a tugging at her hair, and then a tickling on her scalp. There was a light in the room from the first rays of the sun. Peeta would be waking up soon to milk the cows.
She curled her legs up to her chest. She vaguely remembered a dream she'd had about losing Prim, except that Prim was a baby and Katniss had misplaced her.
Another day. How would she get through it? The tickling sensation occurred again and then a loud coo. Katniss startled. She turned over to see Peeta leaning up against the headboard asleep, his blonde curls askew. His arms encircled a baby that was fully awake. His chin was resting on top of the baby's head.
Katniss let out a sigh. Lavinia. She had forgotten all about her. She stretched her legs and sat up in bed. Gently she pried the baby from Peeta's arms, jolting him awake.
"What?" he mumbled, his voice groggy with sleep.
"Get up and milk the cows. I have Lavinia."
Peeta's eyes widened to look at Katniss in surprise. Then he smiled, for the first time in weeks.
For brief moment, Katniss felt hope.
But a minute later he was out of bed, dressed, and had left the room.
Leaning against the bed frame, Katniss held Lavinia to her chest. She buried her face into the baby's curly, strawberry-blonde locks and sniffed. The child smelled like Peeta, like flour and sugar and salty sweat. It was a scent she'd become accustomed to since her marriage and it set off a flood of emotions within her.
She'd spent the last month in mourning. With the loss of their child, she'd completely given up. For the first time in her life she had felt like a failure. She had always prided herself on her ability to push through any circumstance and situation. But this event had taken her entirely by surprise.
Katniss hadn't known how to react to the intense sadness, humiliation, and even guilt she was feeling, so she did what she'd seen her mother do countless times before – she took to her bed.
And even though she despised herself for following her mother's example, the longer she stayed in bed, the harder it was to find a reason to get up.
She was sorry for Peeta to be tied down to someone like herself. And now he had taken on the responsibility of caring for Lavinia as well.
The baby babbled unintelligently and Katniss' lost her train of thought. She guessed Lavinia was hungry. Her diaper was damp. Katniss set the baby down in the center of the bed and slowly got up.
She looked around the sparse room for Lavinia's belongings. She opened the wardrobe, but it only contained her's and Peeta's things. As she closed the door she noticed a satchel sitting atop the large piece of furniture. She pulled it down and opened it to find the child's supply of clothing and diapers.
She put a clean diaper on Lavinia, sighing loudly. Despite lying in bed for a month, Katniss was tired.
She looked up and caught sight of the painting of the meadow that was on the opposite wall, near to the door. She'd spent so many hours staring at that painting over the last several weeks, imagining her lost baby growing up alone in that meadow, which looked a bit like how she pictured heaven.
The notion had always sent her into a panic, forcing her to put her head under the blanket and take deep breathes to get calm. But now, as she looked at the painting and then back at Lavinia, a comforting thought sprang to her mind.
She imagined Madge in that meadow taking care of her child, while she was here taking care of Lavinia. The two women had simply exchanged babies. And while Katniss fervently wished she could have seen and cared for her own little one, she was hopeful that she'd meet up with that child some day.
But Lavinia was here now, and needed someone to tend to her. Encouraged by this idea, Katniss set aside her despair and resolved to act as the child's mother.
She unbraided her hair and combed through it. She put on a dress.
She surveyed the small room critically. The bedding needed cleaning, the floor needed sweeping, the wardrobe needed dusting, and the bed frame needed polishing. That would be her task for today. Put everything into tip-top shape. But first, she needed a bath.
She left the room and carried Lavinia to the kitchen. Peeta was building a fire in the stove.
"Would you boil some water for washing?" she asked.
He turned around, a look of surprise appearing on his face. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine." But she didn't look at him directly; she couldn't because she was embarrassed about everything that had happened. "Will Lavinia drink milk from a cup?" she changed the subject.
"No," Peeta said. "Delly tried yesterday. But then she dipped a rag into the milk and Lavina sucked the right milk up."
Katniss frowned, irritated that Peeta had let Delly feed the baby.
Peeta set a cup of milk onto the table and took a clean cloth from the cupboard. Katniss sat down and set to work. By the time Lavinia had finished the entire cup, Peeta was putting a platter of warm biscuits on the table.
He poured Katniss a cup of coffee, and then joined her at the table for breakfast.
"Do you want me to hold her while you eat?" he asked.
She shook her head. Instead, she set the girl on her knee and picked up a biscuit from the dish.
Neither of them spoke, but it was apparent to Katniss that Peeta was in a good mood as he'd been humming as he moved about the kitchen preparing the meal. She supposed it was because Lavinia was here. She had let Peeta down, but the presence of Lavinia was making up for it.
When she had finished eating, Peeta poured the hot water that had been heating on the stove into a bucket and carried it into their bedroom. She followed him with the baby. After he left, Katniss set the Lavinia onto the center of the bed, while she stripped and gave herself a sponge bath, and then used the water to wash Lavinia clean, as well.
Afterwards, she laid the child back into her cradle to rest. The tiny girl's eyes were closing and Katniss sat on the edge of the bed watching until Lavinia drifted off to sleep.
She walked to the window, pulling the curtains aside, and stared out. It was overcast. She rested her hand on the thin glass pane that was wet with condensation.
If she were to wash the bedding today, it would not be dry by this evening. She and Peeta would be sleeping on damp sheets. The laundering would have to wait for another day.
She carried the bucket back to the kitchen.
Delly was there now, drinking coffee and gobbling biscuits.
"Where's the baby?" Delly asked.
"She's sleeping," Katniss said sharply.
A curious looked crossed Peeta's face.
"I'm going to polish the bed frame," Katniss told Peeta as she made a paste of flour, salt and vinegar, and took a clean rag from the shelf.
It was a couple of hours later before she was satisfied with the sheen on the brass. Her fingers were raw and a bit stiff from the work.
Lavinia had woken up nearly an hour earlier, and Katniss had plopped her in the center of the bed and sang to her softly while she continued to shine the brass.
When she finished, she stretched out on the bed to play with Lavinia for a few minutes, before picking the child up and carrying her back to the kitchen to get more milk to feed her. A few of Effie's girls were sitting at the table eating biscuits.
They were wearing their dressing robes. Only Octavia had taken the time to pin her red hair up. The others, Jo, Glimmer, and Leevy, looked like they'd come straight from bed. Jo's spiky bangs were going in every direction, Glimmer's long blonde locks were tousled and messy across her shoulders, and Leevy's dark curls were twisted to one side of her head.
Peeta wasn't there; he was probably at Sae's restaurant working his second job as a baker. Katniss was glad. While their living arrangements were generous, it bothered Katniss that the women walked around in their fancy low-cut dressing gowns in front of her husband.
Without their faces painted, most of them were pretty, although Katniss detected a deadened look in all of their eyes.
"So you're out of bed?" Jo asked sarcastically when Katniss walked into the kitchen carrying Lavinia.
Katniss nodded, and bit her lower lip, reminding herself to ignore Jo. The woman was insufferable. She often baited Katniss in conversation, as if looking for a fight. But she was also a friend of Gale's. Katniss wondered if Gale had paid a visit to her before he left. If so, Peeta hadn't mentioned it. But then again they'd barely spoken in the past month.
Katniss poured a cup of milk for Lavinia and took another clean rag from the shelf. Octavia was getting up from the table and offered Katniss her seat. Katniss sat down, and dipped the rag into the milk for the child to suck.
The women at the table stopped their conversation to watch her feed Lavinia.
"I'm going to have one of those someday," Leevy said to the assembled group. "Can I feed her?"
"No," Katniss hissed. Lavinia was not a toy to practice on.
She glared at Leevy, whose face wore a look of disappointment. She turned her focus back to Lavinia and ignored the women around her.
Eventually they got up and left, but not before Jo threw in a final jab, "You'll be sorry you turned away the help," she nodded toward Lavinia. "That baby will take over your life."
When Lavinia finished eating, Katniss took her back to the room, changed her diaper, and laid her down in the cradle. Already Jo's words were eating at her because she knew the woman was right. Katniss wanted to go outside and take a walk. She'd been closeted inside for so long.
But it was raining now, she could hear the drumming on the roof, and the baby was sleeping. Instead, she pulled out a needle and thread and set to mending a small tear in Peeta's second shirt, and then sewing the buttons on more tightly. She wasn't much of a seamstress; her sister Prim was the talented sewer in the family. But she could make basic repairs. However her fingertips were sore from polishing the brass, so the simple task took much longer than usual.
When she was done, she folded up Peeta's shirt and put it away. Peeta was lucky to have a spare shirt. All of their clothing, except for what they had been wearing, had been destroyed in the fire.
Peeta had picked up the extra shirt off the ground at her family's campsite. Her mother and Aunt Hazelle had been the camp's laundresses and had clotheslines strung up around the site. The lines had fallen to the ground when the trees they were tied to had caught fire. The clothing that had survived the fire had gone unclaimed, as the miners had fled the camp.
Katniss had been less fortunate. She only had one dress of her own. Effie had loaned her a second dress when they'd moved into the brothel. Katniss had hemmed it, since Effie was taller, but it fit oddly. It was too loose on top for Katniss' tastes. But then her body had been growing rounder with the baby so the bad fit hadn't been as noticeable. Now after a month in bed recovering from her loss, she was even thinner than before she had gotten pregnant.
She sat on the bed staring at the sleeping Lavinia. Might as well keep busy. She returned to the kitchen to retrieve the broom and another rag so she could continue cleaning the room. Afterwards, she lay on her bed staring at the painting of the meadow, while Lavinia slept.
She was lost in her thoughts, when the door opened and Peeta stood there.
"Are you all right?" he asked nervously.
Startled, her eyes flew from the artwork to Peeta's worried face.
"Just taking a break."
His eyes glanced around the room. "The bed frame looks very shiny. You did a good job."
She smiled faintly at his praise.
"How's Lavinia been?" He stared at the cradle, studying the child who looked to be waking up.
"Sleeping mostly. I fed her again, though."
"Good."
A cry sounded from the tiny bed. Peeta scooped up the child, cradling her in his arms.
A sharp pain pierced Katniss' chest as she watched Peeta rock the child. It should have been their baby, not Madge's. Tears formed in the corner of her eyes and she looked away quickly, blinking rapidly before Peeta could notice them.
"Rye and Finnick and Annie are at the restaurant right now," he said. "Their camp broke up. I thought you'd like to go over and visit with them."
Katniss hadn't seen them since the day after the fire when everyone had gone their separate ways.
"I'd like too," Katniss said. "But it's still raining. I can't take Lavinia out in the rain. Will they come here?"
Peeta shook his head. "I suggested it but Annie refused. I guess there are too many bad memories for her in this house. But Delly could watch Lavinia."
Katniss scowled. She didn't want Delly near the baby.
"Actually Effie wanted Delly to spend some time with her," Peeta explained. "It was one of the conditions of her allowing us to keep Lavinia here."
Katniss glared at Peeta. Why would he agree to a condition like that? In her opinion, Delly was a flighty, flirty girl who had no real skills except to collect gossip about others and spread it as far and wide as she could. She couldn't take care of a baby.
"She's hungry," Peeta said. "Delly could feed her. She's already done that."
It would be nice to get out of this house and see Annie.
"Please Katniss," Peeta implored.
Katniss saw frustration on his face and immediately she felt guilty for everything she'd put Peeta through. She could tell it would mean so much to him if she met with his brother and their friends.
"All right," Katniss said. "But I can't stay too long."
'No, that's fine," Peeta agreed.
They left the baby with Delly, and walked down the muddy street to enter the restaurant. Both of them were drenched when they entered it. Rye, Finnick, and Annie were drinking coffee.
The men stood as she came to the table and Annie smiled broadly and waved her hand. Katniss could see that Annie's belly had grown considerably in the two months they'd been apart. Immediately she was sad, wondering if Peeta had told them about the baby she had lost.
But Annie interrupted her thoughts asking about Lavinia, and Katniss found herself describing the feeding of the motherless child.
"Maybe I can see her tomorrow," Annie said, explaining that they had gotten rooms in the small boarding house.
"I though that place was filled up," Katniss said. It had been packed when the mining camp had burned down. That was the reason she and Peeta had agreed to accept lodgings in Effie's house.
"It's practically empty now," Finnick interjected. "Everyone is heading west for the winter. It's too cold and wet to mine. We'd be traveling as well, but it's easier to stay here with Annie's condition."
Peeta nodded. "Dirty District 12 was almost deserted last winter. It was cold and we had one good snowstorm and a few days of heavy rains, but it wasn't so bad. Certainly not as wet as this." He glanced toward the tiny window in the front of the restaurant.
"If it keeps up you'll probably be minding that baby longer than a few weeks," Rye said. "It might be difficult for Gale to get back."
"Are you staying in town for the winter, too?" Katniss questioned Rye.
"Yes," he said.
Katniss saw a flash of irritation cross Peeta's face. She knew he was worried about his brother. Rye liked to play cards. Back in the Dirty District 12 mining camp, he'd spent most of his free time playing.
Before the Hawthorne family had arrived, he'd gambled away most of the gold he'd found. However when Peeta had agreed to court Katniss, Rye had begun to play cards with her cousins, the Hawthornes. Her Aunt Hazelle refused to allow the men to gamble and Rye had been able to save his money. If he stayed in town for the winter with nothing to do, he'd inevitably be drawn into the card games in the saloon and end up losing it all again.
"Don't you want to go back to Oregon and visit the family?" Peeta suggested, half-mockingly.
Rye shook his head. "What about you? You're the successful one with a wife and some savings."
Peeta shook his head. Katniss doubted Peeta felt successful. Not with a wife who lost their baby and a business that had burned down.
"I'm going to be available to do sewing," Annie said. "Would you pass the word along to the others."
Katniss knew that Annie meant her to tell the women who worked at Effie's house. Annie also made beautiful lace, and had made some fancy undergarments for the prostitutes in the past. She'd picked up the skill in her native France.
"I will," Katniss promised. "But could I hire you make a dress for me first? I borrowed this one from Effie and it doesn't fit right."
Annie nodded. "Thom has some fabric in his store. Maybe we could pick some out."
Katniss nodded, although she wondered what type of fabric Thom would have since there were so few women in the area. She didn't want a dress made of tent canvas.
The group broke into two conversations, the men telling Peeta about the new mining camp they'd joined, and Annie asking Katniss more questions about Lavinia and about living at Effie's house.
Eventually Peeta tapped Katniss' shoulder. "We need to go. I have to milk the cows and start dinner."
Panic fell upon Katniss as she realized how long they had been visiting. What kind of mother was she if she'd completely forgotten her responsibilities toward her charge? Delly must have finished feeding the baby a long time ago.
She stood up quickly. "I'll see you tomorrow Annie. I'll bring Lavinia if the rain stops."
When they returned, Delly and Leevy were playing a peek-a-boo game with Lavinia in the parlor.
Katniss scowled at the sight. "Peeta needs your help in the kitchen." She took the baby from Delly's arms.
"Can I hold her for a bit?" Leevy requested.
Katniss shook her head and left the room, bringing Lavinia back into her bedroom. She changed the baby's diaper and sat down in the center of the bed, holding Lavinia in her arms, singing softly to her. The child took a short nap, before waking up crying.
Thinking she was hungry again, Katniss carried her out into the kitchen to feed her. Delly was sitting at the table slicing carrots.
Peeta was at the stove stirring a large kettle. It smelled like stew, although Katniss wondered where Peeta had gotten the meat for it. She hadn't been hunting for over a month.
He turned when he heard her come into the room with the crying child.
"I wanted to try something first," he said, stopping Katniss as she reached for the fresh pitcher of milk that stood on the counter. "I made some mashed potatoes. I wanted to see if Lavinia would eat it."
"All right," Katniss said reluctantly. She sat down at the table and set the child on her lap.
Peeta pulled a dish off the shelf and a spoon from the box of silverware that sat on the counter. He went to the stove and scooped up a portion of the white pasty substance and carried it to the table.
"It's cooled down," he said, putting the plate in front of Katniss and handing her the spoon.
Delly stopped working for a moment to watch, as Katniss lifted the spoon to Lavinia's mouth. She gently pressed on the child's lips to nudge them open. But Lavinia didn't seem to know how to lick the food off of the spoon.
"I don't think she wants it," Katniss said, setting the spoon back onto the plate.
"Maybe she can't use a spoon yet," Delly suggested. She picked up the carrots, she'd sliced and put dropped them into the stew pot.
"I think you're right Delly," Peeta said. He dipped his index finger into the mashed potatoes, scooping up a tiny portion of the paste, and shoved it into Lavinia's open mouth. Eagerly the girl sucked on his finger, making a smacking sound when she had finished.
Peeta pulled his finger out of Lavinia's mouth. "You'll have to feed her with your fingers," he told Katniss.
Katniss' face was warm as she dipped a finger into the potatoes and put it into the child's mouth. Why would Peeta make her look foolish in front of Delly?
When she had finished feeding the baby, Peeta set a bowl of stew with a spoon in it onto the table for her.
"I can hold her while you eat," Peeta offered.
"Oh, I want to hold her," Delly whined.
"Why don't you tell everyone that dinner's ready," he suggested.
Delly sighed dramatically and flounced out of the room.
Katniss handed Lavinia to Peeta who put the child over his shoulder, holding her up with one hand and stirring the stew with the other.
She ate quickly, burning her tongue on the hot stew, but not caring. She didn't want to be sitting here with the other women when they came in and cooed over Lavinia. She wanted to take the child back to her room.
There was no set dinnertime gathering in Effie's house. Generally, Peeta and Delly prepared dinner early and told the others when it was done. Each woman came to the kitchen and ate when she had the time, sometimes when taking a break between customers.
Delly always carried Effie's meal into her room. Effie didn't associate socially with her employees, except to break up arguments. Sometimes Delly joined her aunt for the evening meal.
Effie's house had a fancy dining room with a mahogany table and hand-carved chairs surrounding it, but Katniss had never seen anyone sit at the table to eat since she and Peeta had moved in. Maybe Effie saved it for special occasions like Christmas.
"I'll take Lavinia now," Katniss said, standing up when Delly and Leevy entered the kitchen.
Back in the room, she played with the baby on the bed, putting Lavinia into her cradle when the child's eyelids grew heavy. She hoped Peeta would be return soon. After cleaning up the kitchen, he usually retired early. Neither of them liked to be outside of their room, once business got underway in the house. Besides the cows got awfully loud if they weren't milked early.
The women usually went to the saloon to find customers to bring back to the house. But business tonight might be slow with the heavy rain. Besides with many of the camps shutting down, most of the miners were leaving the area.
Katniss sat on bed and stared at the painting of the meadow. In the candlelight, the shadows that fell across artwork suggested shapes. If she squinted just right she could picture Madge holding a tiny baby in her arms.
Cheered at the thought, Katniss leaned over the bed to see Lavinia turn onto her side. Her chest slowly moved up and down as she slept. Katniss stared at the tiny babe until she heard the door open. It was Peeta.
"Ah, she's asleep," he said, glancing at Lavinia.
Katniss nodded.
Peeta sat down on the bed and bent over to untie his shoes. Katniss watched as he took them off and set them neatly next to the wall. Next off was his button-down shirt, which he draped over the upholstered chair. Last came his pants, which he placed on top of his shirt.
He stood up to open the window a crack. A slight chill entered the room immediately, as well as the smell of damp earth caused by the rain.
He sat on the bed, in his undershirt and drawers, and looked at Katniss. "Are you sleeping in your clothes?" he teased.
She shook her head and slowly unbuttoned her borrowed dress and then stood up, turning her back to Peeta to step out of it. She turned back and pulled down the blanket before climbing in the bed.
Katniss wished she could curl up with Peeta's arm around her and go to sleep, but he was sitting on top of the blanket, facing her. She guessed he wanted to talk. This used to be her favorite time of the day. They would share their thoughts, laughing over things that happened. They'd talk about the their dreams for the future. The conversations usually ended in whispers, and gentle touches, and kisses that often grew heated and led to more.
Until the last month most conversation had focused on their coming baby. But since then, there had been no heart-to-hearts. Peeta had tried to talk to her about what had happened a couple of times, but Katniss had scowled and ignored him, hiding her head under the blankets and turning her back to him.
"How was your day?" Peeta began.
"Fine," she muttered, wishing he would stop there. She didn't want to talk about her feelings and her actions, or lack thereof, over the past month.
"It was nice to see Rye and Annie and Finnick today," Peeta said. He studied her face intently as if he was gauging her emotions.
Katniss nodded in agreement. "Annie is going to make a dress for me."
"That's good."
Katniss looked away from Peeta, toward the painting of the meadow to watch the shadows from the candle flit about it.
Peeta was silent for a minute, before speaking. "Katniss, we need to talk about what happened."
She turned from the painting to face him. She could see the frustration on his face. Guilt fell upon her. He was a kind person.
"I'm sorry," she muttered. "I'm sorry that my body failed."
He shook his head. "I don't blame you," he said softly. "I think it might have been… my fault."
She was surprised at his comment. "How?"
"I think I was too affectionate…that is, too enthusiastic in my actions toward you."
It took her a moment to understand what he meant. "I don't think that was it," she murmured. "You never hurt me." She paused for a moment, her cheeks growing pink. "It felt… good."
They were both silent for a while. Peeta leaned back against the brass bed frame. "Well, in the future I'd feel better if we refrained ourselves if you're expecting."
It seemed like a silly request. Another pregnancy seemed so far away. "All right," she agreed. She sighed loudly, thinking the conversation had ended. She was ready to sleep.
But then Peeta leaned forward and grabbed at her hands "Katniss, when you feel sad promise you'll talk to me." He dropped her hands and looked away from her face. His voice dropped. "I can't go through another month like this last one."
Her cheeks burned.
He turned to stare directly at her. "You weren't the only one that hurt. It was my baby, too."
Katniss looked away and bit her lip, her eyes tearing up.
Peeta got off the bed and blew out the candles on top of the wardrobe. Katniss lay down under the blankets waiting for Peeta to get into bed and turn onto his side and wrap his arm around her. However, when he lay down, he turned the other way and didn't touch her. After a short while, she heard his breathing slow as he fell asleep.
Author's Note: Prior to 1850, there was no ready-made woman's clothing available for purchase, only men's clothing. And all clothing was sewn by hand. Issac Merrit Singer designed his first marketable sewing machine in 1850. Entrepreneur Levi Strauss arrived in California with a supply of cotton tenting. Realizing that the miners were desperate for clothing, he hired a tailor and turned his roll of cloth into workpants. He continued to use canvas for many years, but he soon began importing a French fabric which we today call "denim." His pants, which are still made even now, are called "Levis."