Tuesday 29 may 2012
For starters, I can't be alone. In the sense of living my life alone. I'm just not able to. I need someone to help me live this life. To help me. To support me. To comfort me. In the past your parents did this. Then I let Harry do that more and more, at least that is how I felt it. And still. After all the pain my friendship with him has cost me, I go or actually want to go to him first thing. Hoping he supports and comforts me. But that is not fair to him. He already does that for someone else. For him. For George. I really am a horrible friend. I only demand attention, attention, attention and attention and when I don't get enough or in time then I feel rejected and unnecessary. I am unnecessary, don't get me wrong. He has everything he needs. Also without me. I am an extra. And not really a nice one. I am always sulky and I can't stop talking about anything. Or let anything go. I always have to win discussions and I have a complete meltdown at least once a week so I am short on my sleep again. And I still blame everything on being 'Lovesick'. While I am the one who did everything wrong. Screwed up all the chances. Been way to clingy. And now whining and complaining again. That's the only thing I am really good at. A typical bitch. Whining, complaining and always put the fault at someone else. The bitch like God created it. But still I don't want to deny my pain. It regularly hurts physically. Everything about me, my mood mostly, depends on him. I always woke up full of willpower and temperament or fury that helped me through the day. At the end of the day I was broken, tired and crying. This morning I woke up with the same broken feeling as the one I always went to sleep with. I am starting to get all numb inside again. I am broken again. I don't care anymore. I will tell him that he has to live his life and that he should just forget me. I deserve the pain that I will get again. It is all my own fault anyway. I have to feel what I have done.
I wish he was here now. That he could read this and be scared because of everything I feel. That he would try to comfort me. Unless he had all see it coming from such a complainer as me. Then he would only say 'okay' and leave again. But I don't want to lose him. He is so important to me. I wouldn't survive that.. But if he told me that it would be better if we weren't friends anymore… Well then I guess I have to. He doesn't have to know how much it would hurt me. He has the right to have a full and happy life. A right what I lost a long time ago. He should forget me. I am not worth it to be remembered.