Chapter 2

Watch your dangling participle, Pal...

The next time Sheldon saw Amy, it was just a glimpse as she dashed out of the house at 7:00 AM the following morning. She marched straight to the graduate student housing authority where she met a lovely woman with frosted tipped hair and the aromatic stench of Pall Malls.

After Amy told the woman her tale of woe, Mildred offered a sympathetic grin, but nothing more: "I'm sorry, sweetie, but there are no other rooms for Dr. Coopa. I can put you in the freshman Dorm, you know, with the art history majors, folklore and…" Mildred cleared her throat, and leaned in to Amy to show her eyes peering over her horned rimmed glasses, "Comparative religions"

Amy looked sick, "Oh god! Well… Would it help if I told you he might be a weirdo?"

Mildred put her elbow on the desk, cupped her face and with a short laugh, " Ha, honey, he graduated at 11 and went straight to college. Frankly, I'm surprised he is as balanced as he is. Tell me, whadda he do?"

Amy pulled out a stack of papers that were wrinkled in anger, "Look at this 'contract' he wants me to sign! It's ridiculous!"

Mildred pushed her glasses down so she could read the thick document. She looked over the contract as if she graduated from Harvard Law then smiled, "Did you read this part?" Mildred handed her the papers back, and Amy saw the line that had caused her to smile. She matched it, and went back to the house with a renewed resolve.

A few hours later, it was Sheldon's voice booming from his own room. He stormed out and shook the contract in front of Amy's face, "What is this? You ruined my perfect agreement!"

"The agreement can be altered and allows for addendums in the case that neither party has agreed to the terms, section 25 Contracts subsection 4 Addendums, paragraph 2, line 3." Amy didn't have to look at the contract to repeat Sheldon's words back to him. He was incensed, but was also aroused at her preparedness... again. She was ready for this fight, but so was he.

He ignored the last part he had just read and continued to glare at Amy's smug smile.

"What do you mean, I have to cook?" Sheldon looked in horror at the kitchen, "I can't cook!"

"Well who did you think was going to do it?"

Sheldon looked her up and down and then swallowed, "Well… You have… the apron!"

"Oh, that is no problem, I can buy you apron, my dear misogynist. But don't forget to read the part about the TV schedule, bed checks, weekly brain scans, blood screening, and daily urine tests to ensure you are not on drugs."

"I have never taken illegal drugs!" Sheldon's voice cracked like teenage boy at a choir concert.

"Who said they had to be illegal. You could be hopped on Tylenol and suddenly get crazy cravings for some liver cleansing food like kale or some other such hippy nonsense. A person needs to know if you are going to go off the rails and start making concoctions that will keep me up at night. That blender is loud, buddy!" Amy crossed her arms with a smug swagger.

Sheldon eyes bugged out, "I have never gone off the rails! On Tylenol or any such thing! And what is this part, I have to urinate in front of you!? Every morning?" Sheldon shook the agreement at her face, but Amy was unwavering.

"Yes. This has to be done in the presence of another member of the apartment to insure accuracy. Sorry but there are no male roommates."

"Why should I submit to such invasive procedures?" Sheldon crossed his legs and arms around his body. He knew living with the biology crowd would be a bad idea but he had never envisioned performing his bodily functions in front of one of them.

"For the same reason I have to tell you when my period is started. Men go through hormone fluctuations as well. As far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels."

"I know that! But it's nothing like yours, missy!" Sheldon's eyes were darting around looking for something to task this woman with, but he was at a loss.

"Sure, it is not as extensive, but I need to be prepared for testosterone based anger. It is called Irritable male syndrome (IMS)" Amy pulled out a page she had printed and read, "... which is defined as a state of hypersensitivity, frustration, anxiety, and anger. It's a symptom of biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity'. Hmm, given the look on your face, I think we can safely say your cycle has started now."

"CYCLE!? I don't have a cycle! Loss of what Male Identity? This is outrageous!"

"Goose and Gander, pal. Now, are you going to pee in the cup now, or after breakfast? I really prefer now, oh and don't overcook the bacon. I hate that. Go on sweetie. Hop to it!" Amy sat on the couch and picked up a magazine to hide her wicked grin from the incensed man standing before her. Sheldon was frozen to the spot. He wanted a roommate agreement, but not if he had to submit to such invasions to his privacy. He was close to realizing that he had just asked Amy to be subjected to the same, but was not quite there yet. Amy flipped the tip of her magazine down to see Sheldon's twitching face. She suddenly had sympathy for the man.

Amy said in a sing-songy tone, "Or… there is always option three."

Sheldon stopped twitching, "What would option three entail?" He sat down on the edge of the couch, near his spot and wrung his hands, "Does it include blood… um… tests?"

"No, nor does it include you knowing my cycle or me knowing yours. We could… I don't know… work on the agreement… together? I liked some of what you put in there…" Amy put down her magazine.

Sheldon scooted closer to her, "Well, the part about the weekly disinfecting of the lower wrack of the refrigerator was inspired. I also liked your TV schedule, you put in that we would record each other's shows if we were out."

Amy moved closer to him, "I saw how much you loved that show with the guy with long scarf. I wouldn't want you to miss it." Amy smiled, but dropped it quickly when she felt that flush on her chest again, "I um.. also.. don't want to miss Little House."

Sheldon watched her hands move from her chest to her lap. She was cupping her knees and her hands seemed so small. How a woman with such small hands could take down a giant like Sheldon Cooper, was beyond his comprehension, but down he was. He was hoisted by his own petard of the roommate agreement. He also noted that he had never been more invigorated in his life. The challenge this woman gave him was exhilarating. He had to stifle his erratic breathing with a deep swallow.

"Um.. I understand that sharing the cooking is equitable, however there is one difficultly. I.. um… am not fond of cooking, unless you want meat cooked like chicken."

Amy tilted her head in confusion, "Why not just have chicken?"

"I don't know… They like everything fried down home." His Texas accent gave away his background.

Amy gave a half smile, "Okay, what do you think of this.. I do ALL the cooking except one day a week, when you do that chicken thing…. and you do ALL the laundry of towels and sheets, all the cleaning, except my bedroom, which no boys are allowed in? You seemed to know your way around a mop, though you could use a little lesson on how to wash glasses."

"WHAT! Those glasses were spotless!"

"Sure pal. Anyway, what do you think of having a conference about the agreement, and we hash all this out over lunch today? I get home from class at 11:30."

"Sounds reasonable."

Amy wanted to say, how the hell would you know what reasonable sounds like, but she held back, offered a quick half smile instead and went to the kitchen to start breakfast. It was Monday, and she was in the mood for something light. "Oatmeal?"

"Sounds perfect!" While Amy cooked, Sheldon was able to urinate alone, in peace and without a cup or an observer. He was thrilled.

The lunch meeting went well and the two worked out most of the issues in a calm business-like manner. Sheldon was amazed at how much Amy and he were similar in their likes, quirks and compulsions. Gone was the requirement of knowing each other hormonal cycles, and also the requirements for Skynet, Zombies and time travel. However, Amy did compromise on quite a few items that Sheldon knew she didn't want. They had a malleable document signed and notarized by the end of lunch, which was good timing, since Sheldon had to prepare for his first class.

Though he knew it would all be over in just 45 minutes, Sheldon had been dreading this day. It was an intro physics class, and it was mostly a meet and greet and to hand out the syllabus; the class would actually start next week. He put on the suit that his mother had sent him from the Houston Wal-Mart, and gathered his papers in his messenger bag. Amy was about to leave for her early afternoon classes, when she saw him enter the living area. She thought looked dashing in his plaid black and white suit and slightly askew red tie. She wanted so much to straighten it out, but thought it would be too presumptuous to touch him.

"Well, off I go to the coliseum to be offered as entertainment to the masses. I hope the lions are nice this time." Sheldon looked nervous, and a band of sweat was forming on his forehead.

"Have you done this before, Dr. Cooper?"

"Once, but I was quickly dismissed when all my students dropped out. I also taught a class in Germany, but those students were nice. I think not understanding English helped."

Amy was dying to touch his tie, it was driving her mad. She stepped closer to him, "Um… well you look like a professor, so that is half the battle. Good Luck."

"Thank you. Oh, can I ask, is my tie straight? My mirror is so foggy from all this darn humidity. It's worse than Galveston here!" Sheldon tilted up his neck to give her access.

Amy let out a huge sigh, "Let me fix that for ya!" Amy straightened the tie, and patting down the lapels of his suit, her hands slid down the side of his chest as she flattened the material of his lapels. She was so engrossed in her task, with such a serine smile on her face, she didn't look up to see Sheldon watching her every move. Finally she backed back away and smiled, "Perfect. Knock em dead, Dr. Cooper."

"Well, science will knock em dead, I will just watch the bodies drop." Sheldon took a deep breath to fill his lungs, before he released it all at once and headed out the door. Amy returned around 4:30 in the afternoon. Amy expected she had an hour to prepare dinner before Sheldon came back. He was back at 6:45 and very displeased.

Amy was in the kitchenette, when Sheldon stormed into the room. He had just had a meeting with the University President who was less than pleased with his first class. Sheldon had thought his lecture was inspired, but the students who started to leave within the first 10 minutes were not so impressed. Some had called their rich donor parents who had in turn called the President. The son of the Senator was the most vocal about Sheldon's performance. Sheldon had spent the last 45 minutes being raked over the coals by Harvard's president, who like Caltech, did not appreciate his genius or his smart mouth.

Sheldon unbuttoned his suit jacket, collapsed on the couch, grabbed the afghan, and threw it over his head. Amy studied him like she had done the monkeys in the zoo. She said nothing, but brought him a mug of tea. She sat patiently on the chair and watched him look at the tea, let out a small sigh as he mumbled something to the effect of, "I don't want tea..."

She ignored his petulant mumbles, "I take it the first day did not go as well as planned."

"No. How can you tell, do you have one of your brain scanner things here!?" Sheldon looked around the room and then grabbed his tea when she wasn't looking. He pulled the warm cup into his afghan and hid it from her. Amy looked back at the spot that housed the missing tea mug and smirked.

"It doesn't take a neuroscientist to see when you are upset. You can be read like a book."

"Well, my book's first chapter is titled, the American education system, dumb idea getting dumber or just a waste of money."

"I prefer more dumb, not dumber, but I see your point."

"I'm glad you do because the knuckle dragging students I had today sure didn't. " Sheldon reached down in his bag and brought out his lecture notes. "I mean, this is brilliant, and if they can't see it, then they need to go back to high school. They'll let anyone in this school, won't they?" Sheldon handed Amy his lecture notes and syllabus. She was well versed in calculus, but this was way over her head. Though she didn't like his slam about letting anyone in the school, she let that slide.

"Maybe this is too high level for them. I mean, this is doctoral level stuff here. What class are you teaching?"

"Physics 91…" He mumbled the next part, "Introduction." He unwrapped the afghan and leaned forward, "They should have a basic knowledge of physics from High School. How can I possibly go back to square one with these morons."

"Well, you can start by not being such a jerk, and go from there."

Sheldon mocked her tone, "What do you know about it?"

"Plenty. I study the brain, and what are you trying to do? Get these students to use their brains. More importantly, give them the knowledge that is locked up in yours! You need to do more Vygotsky and Piaget. Scaffold learning?" Sheldon had a blank expression on his face, rarely seen. Amy shook her head, "Tell me you know this?" Amy rolled her eyes and placed her face in her hands. In fact, Sheldon did not know what she was talking about, but he was certainly not going to admit this to her.

"Of course I know that! However…I'm sure they are very nice, but I don't need to model my style on some bio…"

"I knew you didn't know it! HA! Vygotsky and Piaget were social scientists who had a huge impact on educational theory. For Vygotsky, he developed the idea of the zone of proximal development, which states…" Amy looked at her watch and then shook her head, "Look, you know what, I won't bore you. I had to do a paper on it, I'll send it to you. Point is, Dr. Cooper, you need to scaffold your lessons for your students. None of them are as brilliant as you are, and you need to make sure they know you are going to help them, not belittle them."

Sheldon put his lip out and pouted, "But why should I dumb down my lecture for lesser minds?"

"Because those lesser minds need to know what you do but at their pace. Let me put it this way, do you know how to cook ANYTHING besides meat like chicken?"

"I know the basics… I mean.." His eye was twitching so much he looked like he was going to sneeze.

Amy shook her head and snapped at him, "God, you are the worst liar! Worse than me, and I'm terrible. You can't boil water. Go head, right now, make a soufflé. Go on. You have 20 minutes. Oh and I need it to be chocolate, no wait, cheese." Amy snapped her fingers and pointed to the kitchen.

Sheldon looked in horror at the kitchenette. He really didn't know how to boil water, thank god for the tea kettle whistle. He couldn't cook, unless it was fried, let alone any French food, "But I can't… I don't know what goes into a soufflé, other than now chocolate and cheese. This is ridiculous."

"No, expecting a first year student with no physics knowledge to instinctively know the Dirac equation without any exposure is ridiculous. Do you want to teach or just flaunt your knowledge to inflate your ego? By now, it's big enough believe me!"

Sheldon's offended tone was half hurt, half infuriated. "You're as bad as my students. No respect for my brilliant mind!"

"They don't respect you because you don't respect them. Find the best physics teacher you can think of, and model them. End of lecture." Amy got up and looked at her watch. She had spent 20 minutes of her study time trying to get through the thick head of a child prodigy.

"Dinner is on the stove." Without another word, she stormed off to her room and closed the door.

Sheldon fixed himself a plate, and sat back as he thought about what she had said. He went to his computer to work on his lecture, when his email popped up with a new message. It was from Amy, she had sent her paper on educational psychology. As Sheldon started to read it, he was mesmerized. She was brilliant, her paper was flawless, in writing, grammar, evidence and breath.

Out of curiosity, he went the University server, and found more of her papers plus some she had submitted for peer review. For a first year grad student, she was writing doctoral level work. Even though it was Neuroscience, Sheldon was fascinated. He spent the rest of the night reading anything he could find with her name on it trying to find one flaw so he could throw it back in her smug face, but he couldn't. Finally, he found one typo. He smiled an evil grin, and just as he did, Amy emerged to refill her tea.

"Well, Ms. Fowler, it seems you don't know everything. I found a mistake you made and it seems that horse you are riding so high, needs its reins pulled down…" Sheldon swiveled his chair around, and crossed his arms. Amy just rolled her eyes and came over to the screen. He had found a history paper she written during her freshman year for a Woman's study class. Actually it was called, Womyn studies, and it was taught by a militant feminist. She was 16 at the time and it was her first semester at Harvard. She had 5 classes and had been forced to take some lame-o humanities class to satisfy her requirements.

Sheldon showed her the paper, "See… There… you said penises instead of penises', the plural possessive form of the word."

"What do you care what I think of a man's penis? Are you experiencing penis envy? Is this a length problem, because that is what that sentence was about, you see. Boy that's a switch, a man with penis envy!" Amy snorted and went to the kitchen.

Sheldon covered himself, "NO what? NO! I don't care what you think of penises."

Amy sipped her hot tea and said over her mug lip, "I hope you didn't use an apostrophe in your head when you said that."

Sheldon was so flustered he stuttered, "Of cccourse I didn't. Ttthat's not the point. The point is you're not infallible, Ms. Fowler. You have no business teaching me about things."

"Actually, I do. Since I know what it is like to make a mistake, I have that experience and it makes me a better teacher since I know what to look for in others." Sheldon narrowed his eyes at her smug smile as she continued, "Oh, don't feel bad, you do as well." Amy took her tea mug, headed toward her room and called back over her shoulder, "Check your lecture notes, 3rd page, and 2nd paragraph. You forgot to carry the 1. Tsk tsk. Now you will be a good teacher too! Good luck, Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon's jaw dropped. He rushed over to his papers and riffled through them in a panic. Sure enough, he had made an arithmetic mistake, just where she said. He slumped back on the couch and put his hand to his head, "That clever minx! God that woman!" He sat for a few moments catching his breath and glaring at the door she had just disappeared behind. He felt his heart rate rise, and his palms were sweaty. That woman was affecting him, he thought. He had localized vascular throbbing that was unexpected, but was probably due to the mentions of penises' length. He narrowed his eyes again and thought to himself, as if he was speaking to her, "And yes, Ms. Smarty pants, I used the apostrophe in my head."

Sheldon went to sleep that night tossing and turning, thinking about Amy's advice. It actually was good advice but she was so infuriating to him, he was reluctant to give her the satisfaction of following it.

As he finally drifted off to sleep, he thought, maybe there was a way to take her advice, and she not know. As he thought about the implications, he reasoned to himself:

"Nah... Not worth it...She smug enough as it is..."

He smiled as he thought back to the papers she had written, with the perfect sentence structure and syntax. He licked his lips as he thought, she put her comma in all the right places and boy, she does have a large vocabulary. He spent the next 20 minutes quelling his renewed localized vascular throbbing, then finally fell asleep.

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews from the first chapter. I hope you enjoyed this one.