Disclaimer: When evil bunny freezes over.

Summary: These are times when she yearns for her sun. A series of one-shots.

Bella:

I wonder if he still felt pain.

I wonder if he hated me.

But most of all, I wondered if he still loved me. If he still thought of me as much as he said he did.

"I only see you. Even when I close my eyes, it's you I see."- Jacob Black

PRIDE

I taxed all of my endurance to be here.

It'd only been a couple of years since my change, but I couldn't miss this. I hid myself in the crowd and forced myself to be strong. I was grateful for the excited bustle and chatter that aided in shielding my presence. I wasn't sure if I could use my ability to it's fullest. Not breathing in this excruciatingly intoxicating scent was a Herculean task in itself.

Family members and friends bunched together proudly as they waited nervously for their loved ones to take their first steps into the world. They talked cheerfully around me, ignoring the weird girl in the dark clothes. Briefly I wondered if in another life, I might have been part of that crowd and been in front, standing proud, instead of blending into the background. I banished that thought. Even from the shadows I could still be proud.

Be proud of my Jacob.

Surprisingly, I felt none of the guilt or grief that usually accompanied me when I thought of him. I was anxious and worried, partly because I wasn't sure if I could contain my selfish desire to see him face to face, but also because I was after all: a lion in a room full of lambs. And a couple of wolves. Neither of which were particularly safe to the lambs.

I nervously tugged down my black hoodie, at least Black was early in the alphabet. Inwardly I sighed with relief, I wouldn't have to endure this discomfort for long.

My thoughts drifted and distracted me from my thirst. The scene around me was painfully familiar, I remembered my own graduation. My panic, my hideous yellow graduation robes, my worries over the latest disaster I had selfishly drawn everybody into and even the party.

That night was the last semi normal night I had as a human living between two sets of myths. The sounds around me faded and I could almost see everything all over again: the lights, the sounds, the awe on my classmates faces, werewolves crashing a vampire hosted party, my annoyance at Jake.

That made my senses lurch right back.

Looking back I felt guilty at the reason for my anger at Jacob. He kissed me, but if I was brutally honest, I should have known he would. I'd been aware of his feelings since the beginning, but I hadn't known how deeply they ran until it was too late. I had sought his companionship and yearned for it's soothing effect without understanding the lasting effect it would have on Jake, and on me. That had been the beginning of a long road of selfishness on my part.

I had been so stubborn that Jacob was wrong to love me, that he was immature to despise our kind, and that Edward was the only man I could ever love.

But Jacob wasn't wrong to love me. It was wrong for me to love him.

Immorality was what I wanted from my change, to live with Edward forever. But even seeing the destructive newborns had not shaken my belief that vampires were something more than human and it was only now that I felt an insatiable thirst that I finally, truly understood Edward's reluctance and Jacob's anger. That animalistic need, that desire, it was a craving so powerful and so terrible. It was far more monstrous than a pack of volatile werewolves.

And no matter how much I wished differently, I did not love only Edward.

Almost on cue, I felt the absence of Edward's charm on my bracelet. I had removed it when I left home, pleading a confused Rosalie to cover for me when Edward and Alice returned from hunting until I got back. Not having any physical reminders of my husband made it easier for me to pretend that I wasn't betraying anyone by being here. Ridiculous, since my current existence was staggering proof that I loved Edward.

It was ironic as well. I had first removed my bracelet because of the anguish it brought me after I was changed.

The sorrow that accompanied a little carved wolf.

Now, it brought me comfort. Seeing him brought me comfort.

But I realized with a pang that seeing me would bring him more agony than joy. To see his personal nightmare in the flesh would haunt him for as long as he lived. No, I thought desperately, no matter how much my aching heart wished for a reunion, Jacob would not see me. I played with the little charm on my wrist: here at his graduation, surrounded by his classmates, his friends, his brothers, his family, I was infinitely glad to have something of his with me.

The larger, usually dominant, part of me that loved and needed my husband more than blood itself, was strangely numb in it's twisting guilt. For that I was glad, I knew I would pay for being here later. The crushing rush of agony would eventually arise. Just as it had the last time I had been this close to Jake.

The torment I felt after I caught that desperate glimpse had later made convulse in silent grief as I cried dry and hysterical sobs. I knew this time would not be any easier.

But right now I could feel no pain and love only Jacob and taking in those sensations was bliss. A nirvana I wanted to continue for eternity.

A familiar name shook me out of my thoughts and brought me back into the world were I was in dangerous vicinity to my natural pray. I swallowed the new coating of venom thickly and tugged on the strings of my jacket nervously.

"Quil Ateara."

Anxious though I was, I had to grin at the big guy. Almost two years later and Quil was still Quil. I watched in warm amusement as he took his diploma. His principal gave an almost silent yelp during their handshake and I wasn't completely sure if that was enthusiasm only. I shook my head, and then just as quickly, I released my breath in a whoosh.

"Jacob Black." A chorus of familiar voices shooted their glee and I stood frozen. I saw him with a startling clarity from across the room.

The happiness at his success and the shadows of remaining heartache in his eyes made my entire being erupt in agony.

But like an addict, I glorified in the warm surge of pleasure.

xOx

Thanks Sepsis, Jess Readin, and BloomingSparrow for your reviews. Critiques as reviews are welcome, flames disguised as reviews are not. There's a difference.