Title: It's All My Fault
Author Name: Lying In An Angels Arms
Rating: R/M
Spoilers: Books 1-6. Written After Half-Blood Prince.
Pairing(s): Draco/Harry
Summary: Guilt is a funny thing. It makes the world seem so much...colder. Draco's guilty. Two deaths are on his conscious and the closest thing to a father he has now is hanging between life and death because of him. Guilt is a funny thing, it makes you wish you were dead. Draco's drowning in a sea of coldness and he can't grasp onto something. Can Harry Potter be that something?
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
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/Warnings/
Slash! (Harry/Draco. Lucius/Severus)
Depression, Suicidal themes (no suicide depicted), Mild non graphic self harm
strong language, Sexual scenes, mild character deaths.
Chapter One:
Haunted by the feel of you
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I should have just killed the old man. The trouble I faced then was no match for the wrath of the Dark Lord when he was betrayed.
I did not betray him though. It was not my fault.
He never really cared words, though. In his eyes, I had betrayed him in the worst way.
He silenced me without a seconds hesitation before turning on my Mother.
Bellatrix sold her out her, I learned. Her own sister!
Bellatrix told the Dark Lord of the unbreakable vow between Mother and Severus. He was furious that His favorite pet had made a vow to someone else. The Dark Lord was a possessive man. He hated the fact Severus was loyal to someone else other then Himself.
The Dark Lord craved eternal loyalty but He didn't want true loyalty. He had the kind that anyone can get. He threatened, He cursed, He killed and He lied to get that loyalty.
True loyalty is earned.
I have a loyalty to my Mother.
To Severus.
Mother gave her life to save mine, her loyalty to me unfaltering.
Severus refused to back down when I was threatened. He has my loyalty and I will always have his.
He grabbed my hand, hidden within the swirls of our robes, just before The Dark Lord hit him with crucio. As if to say "it's not your fault" and "I'm right here."
Severus screamed so loudly, while holding me hand.
He fell to his knees, his hand still in mine.
Father watched from the sidelines, not bothering to help or attempt to save his oldest friend. Father has no loyalty to me and I have none to him.
We are strangers.
That thought alone made me stop. Made me wince.
My Father, my blood Father did not care for me.
...But Severus did.
I realized something shocking and horrifying that day.
I was wrong.
The Muggle-born witch had been right.
Saint Potter had been right.
Hell, The Weasel had been right.
When all was said and done, our blood doesn't matter.
We all bleed the same.
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He woke in stages. First to wake was his sense of smell. The room (was it a room? He didn't know. It might have been a cell or a forest for all he knew,) smelt like fresh, cold, crisp air. The air burnt his lungs with every breathe he took but he didn't mind. Pain meant that he was still alive, still alive meant that someone took him in and took care of him. That meant that his companion was still alive.
He let out a relieved sigh and attempted to open his eyes. His eyelids fluttered uselessly for several moments but soon they opened fully.
He instantly wished he hadn't.
Sunlight streamed in from a nearby window, blinding him. He gave a low, hoarse moan and instantly closed them once again.
"Oh," a motherly voice whispered gently from nearby. He heard fussing next to him as his blanket (when did that get there?) was pulled further up to cover his shoulders to keep him warm. He felt the room plunge into darkness as the sound of the curtains being drawn was heard. He didn't attempt to open his eyes again until he was sure they were completely shut.
It was a room, he discovered once his eyes adjusted to the lack of light. He could see a rather plump shadow standing by the bed he was lying on.
A terrified (and unmanly) whimper worked its way free of his throat. The pitiful noise echoed in the room.
"Oh dear," the motherly voice said again. The woman's hand reached out and gently pressed against his, which was clenched in the sheet by his side. "Calm down, little one." Little one. His mother used to call him that. He felt the sting of tears threaten, even as the woman continued to talk. "Nothing is going to hurt you anymore. I promise. You rest your beautiful eyes, little one. I'll be right here, watching over you. No one is going to hurt you." The woman's hand was stroking his clenched one soothingly, making him sigh.
He was safe.
She, whoever she was, was going to take care of him.
He was safe.
His eyes closed softly and he welcomed the darkness of his mind once more. The last thing he heard was the woman singing gently to him, a lullaby he didn't know. It made him want to cry and to smile at the same time, so instead he settled for sleeping.
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When he woke for the second time, the room was still completely dark. The shadow was no where to be seen. He whimpered at the lost, unconsciously flaring his magic to try and find his previous source of comfort. He managed to flare his magic for less then ten seconds before melting bonelessly into the mattress. He was still weak from his cuts and bruises. He whimpered again and attempted to curl into a ball, on his side.
His body stung with every move he made and he bit his lower lip brutally to stop himself from screaming. He rolled onto his side and curled up, his cheek resting against his pillow with his back to the door.
Where is she? She promised she'd be here! He thought, inanely wishing the shadow would come back and watch over him.
He could feel the muscles of his stomach contract brutally as a spasm clenched his body. He let out a sob as he felt a wound on his back open up and begin to bleed again, soaking the crisp white shirt (when did that appear?) that he wore.
He felt tears dribble down his cheeks, shattering on the bed cloth as he continued to sob, out of pain or misery he wasn't sure.
He didn't hear the door open behind him but the whispered, "Oh no," caught his attention. He attempted to roll onto his back, hoping for a look at the sweet shadow but the pain was too much. He stayed curled into a ball, sobbing pitifully as the sweet shadow hurried over. She touched his shoulder carefully, rubbing the cloth covered skin.
"Shhh, little one. I'm here. Shhh. I'll make it all better," she assured him. She pulled out her wand and with a murmured spell, his shirt was off and his wounds exposed. She gasped. His white back was bleeding red now, the cuts reopening from his movements. "Oh...Oh you poor dear!" she said, casting a gentle cleaning spell to get rid of the blood.
"H-H-hur..t...ssssss," he whined, his voice hoarse and broken as he attempted to roll onto his back.
"No dear, stop that. I need to seal your cuts on your back before you move again," she instructed. He stopped, hoping that the pain would stop too. It didn't. He whimpered as he felt a wand trace his cuts, stinging them but, thankfully, stemming the blood flow.
"Shhh," the shadow whispered gently. "The pain will stop in a moment. Hold on a little long, little one."
"Sssso," he hissed hoarsely, "huuurst ssssooo."
"I know, little one, I know," she soothed, tracing more cuts with her wand tip.
The shadow breathed a sigh of relief once all of the cuts had stopped bleeding as she gently rolled him over onto his back. He winced as he rubbed his still tender wounds against the course fabric of the sheets.
"There you go," the shadow said softly. "I'm going to get you a numbing potion."
"No!" He blurted out, "D-d-don't-t-t g-g-o."
"Oh, my dear," the shadow sighed, reaching out to grasp his hand in hers. "I will only be a moment. I will be back before you even realize I am gone."
"N-n-no," he stammered but he didn't try and stop her anymore then watching her with sad, doe eyes.
The Shadow left the room. There was no light in the hallway. The woman seemed to merge with the darkness and disappeared before his eyes.
He laid on his back, head turned to the side to stare at the door.
He didn't know how long he stared at it for but one thing was certain.
The shadow didn't come back.
He was alone again.
A pained whimper filled the room as he finally drifted into troubled sleep.
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A week passed and the shadow did not reemerge. He was left alone with his thoughts. Alone with the darkness that never faltered in the room and alone with his guilt. He hated being alone.
Why can't I just be dead? He wondered. I would rather be dead then alone. If I were dead then I could be with Mother. Salzaar, I would even rather be with Grandfather Abraxas or Grandmother Deiti. I'd even spend time with grand uncle Albert if I have to. Just someone, please kill me?
He sighed, wondering when his thoughts started becoming suicidal. Oh yes, Now I remember. When my mother was killed because of me. He groaned and rolled to his side, facing away from the door. He could now move freely but only on the bed. It hurt too much to get to his feet yet but he knew it would only be a little longer. I wonder where Severus is? He glanced over his shoulder at the door. As soon as I'm well enough, I'm getting out of her and going looking for him! He better be alright.
He paused his thoughts and frowned. Maybe that's where she went. Maybe she's looking after him. He sighed, relaxing into the bed. That's alright then. If she's looking after him then I'm happy. He deserves to live.
He closed his eyes tight. And I don't.
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Another week passed and he continued to heal in darkness. He was sure that while he slept, the shadow crept back into his room and gave him potions but he did not know. He hoped she still cared. It had been a while since anyone cared.
Time held no meaning in that small room. He slept when he wanted, ate when he wanted and was mysteriously bathed while he slept.
He was starting to believe he had imagined the shadow but her lullaby stayed in his head.
Forget about the shadow, he told himself, you've got to find Severus! Severus might need you and all you're doing is lying around doing nothing! Nothing at all.
He sucked in a deep breath and, careful not to open his still healing cuts, turned on his side facing the door. Good start! He cheered himself on. Just a little bit further and you might be off the friggin' bed! He shook his head, trying to dispel the already negative thoughts that taunted him. Shut up. I've got to stop thinking...okay...new plan! Think of Severus. Only Severus! He needs you! That gave him enough energy to move his hips, sliding his legs (sideways) of the bed. It was uncomfortable but with the help of his arms, he managed to sit up. The world spun violently and he felt bile rise in his throat, despite not having eaten anything in a long time. He stubbornly closed his eyes tight and tried to settled his stomach, along with his center of gravity. When the dizziness faded, he grasped onto the headboard of the bed and stood up, only to crumble to the floor moments later.
Bugger. He had a nice, up close view of the ratty looking floor boards, making him wince. Okay. That didn't work. Let's try again. He carefully drew himself up onto his hands and knees, grimacing and thanking whatever deity was watching out for him that no one was around to see how far he'd fallen...literally.
He grasped the material of the bed beside him and drew himself up onto just his knees. He panted heavily, that move alone taking more of him then he would have thought.
Remember, Severus needs you, he reminded himself, unnecessarily. Sucking in another deep breath, he awkwardly drew up onto his feet. He was still grasping the bed sheets, therefore he was bent over but at least he was standing. Brilliant! Now I've just got to walk, he eyed the distance between the bed and the door with a groan, five metres to the door and then however far to Severus' room. Crap. He continued to swear as he righted himself, grasping onto the wall for support instead of the bed. He looked like a fool, he knew, as he practically slithered across the room, firmly attached to the wall.
Okay. One challenge down...several more to go. He winced, finally reaching the door. He grasped the wooden handle (Really, who has wooden handles anymore?) and gave it a vigorous twist. It didn't budge. Locked. It's locked. Why the bloody hell didn't I expect that. He sighed, sinking to his knees by the door. He rested his head against the wooden (Why is everything here bloody wood?) frame. I'm pathetic. Locked in a room and I can barely stand. Severus is probably in pain and I can't do a single thing about it. If he had been a lesser man, he would have slammed his head into the door but because of his immense dislike of pain, he didn't. Instead, his magic flared around him as his emotions increased. I don't want to be here anymore! A book slid from a nearby desk to crash onto the floor. I want to get out of here! The bedsheets twisted and tangled together as magic coursed over it. Severus!
Click!
His eyes shot open and snapped to where his hand still rested on the doorknob. Cautiously, he twisted his wrist and felt the door give way. His magic had unlocked the door! Without a wand! He felt deliriously happy.
Severus! I'm coming, he called out inwardly. He used the door knob and hefted himself to his feet, stumbling only slightly when he stood. He twisted the knob and pulled the door inwards, opening it and revealing a slim, dusty hallway.
He blinked, staring first one way, then the other. To his left was a staircase, leading down. To his right was four more doors. He winced and squeezed his eyes shut. He took several steadying breaths before stumbling out into the hall.
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Ten minutes later, he was at the last door. The other three, much to his disappointment, were either bedrooms (messy ones at that) or, in the case of the second, a bathroom. He had thought about having a shower in that said bathroom, the water looked so tempting but his conscious, yes he did have one, won over. He could not indulge until Severus was found.
The final door looked exactly the same as all the others. It was a light wood, damaged in several places and a wooden doorknob the same color. It was so simple...so-so poor but he didn't have time to sneer at the decorations. He needed to find Severus.
He grasped the door knob and turned it weakly. He was already exhausted but there was only one more room. He pushed on the door, stumbling as it gave way under his insignificant weight. The room was as dark as the hallway. It only took a few moments until his eyes adjusted and then...There! On the bed! It's got to be Severus!
It was. The pale, limp figure lying on the small bed gave deep, steady breaths. Was Severus just sleeping? He didn't know. All he knew was that he needed to get to Severus.
He stumbled from the door and over to the bed, forgetting to close the door behind him. The bed was slightly larger then the one in his room but was still quite small.
"S-s-sev," he stammered quietly, reaching out a fragile hand to brush a cold, pale cheek. "I-I'm s-s-orr-rry"
His voice broke through his apology and he fell onto the bed, narrowing missing the other man. He scrambled to the man, wrapping a leg around Severus' in an attempt to get closer. He laid his head beside Severus' and let out a low sigh as he felt his body give up and into sleep.
Severus...he's safe. He didn't die for me.
He sighed dreamily, wrapping an arm around the other mans chest.
Don't worry, Severus, I'll protect you while you sleep.
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"What do you mean he's missing? It's impossible! The door was locked!"
"I meant what I said. He's not there! The door was unlocked, he must have gotten his wand."
"Impossible. Are you sure you aren't seeing things?"
"How dare you say something like that! I was not seeing things! See for yourself."
"..."
"See?"
"Search the house. We've got find him. He can't have gotten far."
"Right!"
Footsteps retreated as the pair separated to go look.
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"Oh...oh dear," Molly Weasley murmured as she stood in the doorway, examining the sleeping men. Draco Malfoy was curled around Severus Snape like he was his lifeline. Maybe he was, Molly did not know. All she knew was that those two had killed Albus Dumbledore. If it were up to her, they would have been thrown out already or killed but they needed them to recover and fill in the gaps of their story. Some parts of it made no sense and they needed it too.
Molly hesitated, contemplating levitating Malfoy out of the room but that idea was pushed aside when she heard a whimper.
Draco whimpered, as if feeling her presences and opened his eyes. He stared at the older man with bleary eyes and sighed, moving closer if possible to Severus. Draco rested his head on the other mans chest, careful not to bump that rather large cut that lead from one shoulder to the opposite hip.
"P-prote-e-ct – yo-o-ou," Draco whispered sleepily, closing his eyes and breathing out heavily. "N-no-one's go-gonna hur-t-t-t yo-o-ou S-sev. Pr-promise."
Molly closed the door firmly, unable to bear the touching scene she witnessed knowing both of them killed their only hope against the Dark Lord.
They didn't deserve her sympathy .
"It's all your fault," she whispered bitterly into the dark hallway.
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Authors Note:
Ta-Da! Second chapter. It's fairly short (Sowwy) and not much happens (just minor meltdowns for Draco xD) but I hope you enjoyed it.
I know I said I wasn't going to update quickly (Blah! You shouldn't believe a word I say :Rolls eyes:) but this was already written. :Shrugs: thought I may as well get it out there.
Thank you darkshadowarchfiend for your review/alert. I'm glad you liked it! I hope you enjoy this one too.
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Next chapter might take a while (is still in planning/plotting stages), Please be patient ;3
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Review m'dears,
-Liaa
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(I am still looking for a Beta! Contact via Profile or Review if interested. Thank you)