Lyude Goes to Wal-Mart
CHAPTER 2: Hold on Tight!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, and great big sacks of nothing! Aren't I lucky!
"For the last…fucking…time…Lyude, GET ON THE WHITE DRAGON!"
"No!"
"Meemai's trousers!"
Kalas was about to snap. He had had it up to here with Lyude's constant whining. It had been bad enough talking him out of bringing his favourite teddy bear. A shame too, there had been stuffing everywhere…
But this just took the mutated biscuit. Kalas didn't have the will to go out and bake in the Komo Mai sun, standing around like a prat just because this weirdo here wanted some food. Lyude's future on Wazn looked very close indeed…
Even Xelha, who seemingly had bribed the saints or something to give her their patience, was beginning to look a bit miffed. In fact, she was so miffed she tried to pull a miffed-looking expression, but no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't. She internally cursed the kind-hearted demeanour the morons who designed this game had given her. Thanks to them lot, she could only nod and smile. (AN: Um, I love you creator guys, really! Don't kill me! hides behind tree)
"Lyude, I don't mean to rush you, but we need to get going!" Xelha said in the most aggravated, sardonic voice she could muster, but like everything she said, it came out the same; sweet and happy. She couldn't be angry, and it angered her.
"No!" the ambassador of Diadem pouted, thumping his hands on the port ground like a child denied of his toy. "The White Dragon hates me!" he whined.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" Kalas yelled in frustration, hands threatening to tear out large clumps of blue hair. He lashed out wildly, hoping to get Lyude right on the face, but he screeched and jumped behind a bush, whimpering. Kalas glowered menacingly at the terrified, china white face that stared back.
"Lyude," he began darkly, "If you don't get on the White Dragon now, I'm going to throw you off the Tower of Zosma!"
"Aaaaack!" Lyude wailed. "Not those awful stone puzzles!"
"And if you're lucky you'll end up in an awkward conversation with Kee." Kalas threw in.
"AAAAAIE!" Lyude screamed. Judging from the differing volume of the screams, Kalas could tell which Lyude found worse.
But still he would not budge. He was like an annoying screw that hangs out irritatingly from a badly constructed table, a screw that needs serious hammering…
"That's it!" Kalas roared, whipping out his deck of Magnus, "LINGERING TIME!"
Nothing.
Kalas's eyes swirled around attentively, waiting for the huge time explosion thingy.
"Lingering Time!..." he said again coaxingly. "Lingering Time! Lingering Time! Lingering Time, Time, TIME!"
Nothing.
Stamping down furiously, he scowled up at the sky and shouted, "HELLO?! Ms. Guardian Spirit? Becky Creighton? BECKY CREIGHTON, get your ass down here RIGHT NOW!"
Eh, no.
"Why the gabbling Greythorne not?"
As much as I would like to see Lyude getting pureed and creamed in the most amusing manner possibly, sadly he is required for this fanfic and without him we wouldn't have this entertaining parody about an adventure to a popular commercial chain outlet. So no. Lyude must live, despite his irritating tendencies. Meh.
"Fat lot of good you are!" Kalas retorted. "Well, I don't need your help! I'll completely destroy him the old fashioned way! DREAM BLADE!"
And still nothing happened. He broke a fuse.
"What the hell?!?"
"Uh…" a small voice whimpered. Kalas looked behind the bush, only to find, to his horror, Lyude deviously nibbling on the corners of his Dream Blade Magnus. Xelha's mouth hung open in disbelief.
"You're…eating a Magnus…" she mumbled in wonder.
"I'm so…hungry…" Lyude moaned, spitting out a piece of very-salivated card.
Kalas gaped at him. "For crying out loud, that's why we're going on this crazy trip, you moron! So GET ON THE WHITE DRAGON!"
"Aaaaaaaaah!" Lyude yelped, scurrying into another bush. "I don't like the dragon! He's mean to me!"
"To heck with it!" Kalas cried out. He leafed through his deck, picked a Rotten Fruit Magnus and lobbed it as hard as he could at Lyude's head. He bawled in agony as the corner bonked heavily off his forehead, leaving a flowering purple bruise on his perfect, porcelain brow. Lyude fell down with an almighty thud and an, "Aaaargh!"
A thin stream of blood the same shade as his hair trickled slowly down.
"Ow, ow, ow! Ok, I'll do anything, just don't do that again! PLEASE!"
Kalas and Xelha's eyes grew wide with astonishment. "Was that all I needed to do?" Kalas bewilderingly mused
"Apparently so…" Xelha answered sceptically. "At least now we can get the fuck out of here…" she muttered under her breath, happy at last that she could unleash her true, nasty side. She grinned madly, pondering future malevolent exploits. Kalas saw her do this, and began to get very worried indeed…
Lyude hurled himself at the White Dragon, rubbing his bruise vigorously.
"Nice dragon, nice dragon, nice dragon, nice dragon…" he snivelled over and over again. "Don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me…"
As soon as Lyude laid his hands on its back, it scowled threateningly at him.
"Aaaah!" he shrieked, seating himself as quickly as he could on the dragon's back, patting it avidly. "Don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't eat me, nice dragon, nice dragon, don't eat me, don't-"
It took off at blood-curdling speed.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!" Kalas and Xelha screamed at him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screeched back.
"Damn!" Kalas cursed loudly. He and Xelha unfurled their wings and soared into the Anuenue skies after him, the White Dragon fast becoming a blip on the horizon.
"Savyna, is there even a Wal-Mart on the Celestial Alps at all?"
"Of course not!"