She feels paralyzed all the way to the airport.

Her mouth is dry and her head's spinning. She finds it difficult to just put one foot in front of the other.

Nate doesn't say anything on the drive there; he just gives her small glances which he thinks she doesn't notice.

He looks terrified. His blue eyes filled with fear, but also concern and tenderness.

It should make her feel better; it only makes her feel worse.

He guides her through security; and he almost pushes her to the gate.

Still, no one is speaking.

Still, he looks scared.

For what she doesn't know, probably of her.

Of what she's been doing, or what he thinks she's going to do.

They find their seats quickly and she still feels paralyzed, she almost can't sit down without his help. A numbness filling her whole body. It scares her, but she welcomes it. Because every other feeling that wants to creep up on her is far worse.

There's an escape in numbness.

One she is more than happy to take.

When the plane takes off her left hand starts shaking uncontrollably, she can't do anything but stare at it.

Gently Nate puts his on top of it, his eyes still looking straight ahead.

She breathes in at his touch, feels some of the numbness disappearing. She doesn't want that, she wants to keep it a while longer. It makes everything so much easier.

She pulls her hand away from his and places it in her lap.

"I'm fine" She whispers.

He sighs, knows that she's not. Not at all.

"I was just…" He starts, turns around to look at her.

"I want to help you." He says and locks eyes with her.

She tries to hold back the tears that want to come.

The look he is giving her is too much, she doesn't deserve it.

"I'm okay." She tells him and tries to smile; it turns out like some grimace.

"Are you really?" He whispers.

A tear escapes as she shakes her head.

"Not really."

She wants to be honest with him. She feels secure with him and she knows he cares for her.

"I've messed up, Nate."

He simply nods at her, doesn't want to sugarcoat it. She knows what she has done; she knows it's been wrong. Being Gossip girl, sending Blair's diary page for the world to see, sleeping with Dan.

"Blair hates me, Dan hates me. And you…You hate me too, don't you?" The last thing only a whisper, her lips shaking and her eyes blank.

"No." He whispers.

"Is that what you think?"

She gives him a small nod.

"I was horrible to Lola, I lied to you about being Gossip girl, and you fired me with good reason. You have every right to hate me." She looks down at her hands.

Talking about it is difficult, talking about it with him even worse.

"I don't hate you, Serena. I've never been and will never be able to."

His eyes completely honest, it makes her shiver.

"If you want to talk about things, I'm here."

"Always…" She whispers it so quietly he doesn't hear it. He wasn't supposed to either. She says it to herself, as a reminder. As a stray of hope.

They sit in silence for awhile, she is dying to talk to him, but afraid of the consequences. How he will look at her. She doesn't know how he feels about it all, about Dan in particular.

He's your friend, Serena, she tells herself. Just that, nothing more.

"Seeing Dan with Blair…" She clears her throat. He turns around to face her. His look impossible to read.

"It made me loose myself even more. I…" She stops, it's hard to explain. She's not entirely sure she understands it herself.

"I told him he was the love of my life. I'm clearly not his. He doesn't want me." She wipes away a tear from her cheek, doesn't look over at Nate. Just stares at her own feet.

"Oh." Nate doesn't know how to respond to that. Her words make the feeling in the stomach come back, the ache in his heart.

He quickly pushes the thoughts of it away, ignores the feeling in the best way possible.

"I don't know what to say." He confesses as he rubs his forehead.

"You don't have to say anything." She says and looks at him.

"There's nothing to say." She takes a deep breath.

And afterwards they don't say anything, they just sit in silence till the plane hits ground.

"Get out. I mean it. I want you gone for good."

"The best time I ever had, was when you were gone six years ago."

"You're fired"

"You are just as bad."

"Now that our parents are splitting up I never have to see you again."

Serena is tossing and turning. Her dreams only voices and words, but still so real and frightening.

Almost only sound, the last thing she sees is Dan's face, mouth not moving. That moment is imprinted in her mind, the day she told him she would always love him and he said nothing.

She wakes up in a pool of sweat, trying to catch her breath.

All she wants is to make the pain disappear.

Run away from it.

She starts sobbing against her pillow, her breaths still unsteady.

After a while she doesn't have more tears, she feels completely empty. She gets up from the bed and starts wandering around in the hotel room.

Her feet take her automatically to the bag on the bathroom. She stops and reaches for a little box. Her hands start shaking as she opens it.

Pills.

Escape.

She takes them out, takes a deep breath.

They feel so heavy in the palm of her hand. She's about to swallow some of them when she looks in the mirror. Her hair a mess, her skin pale, and her blue eyes swollen from the crying.

Blue eyes.

She loses the pills in the sink, turns on the water and sees them follow it down.

She closes her eyes.

She needs to talk to Nate.

After a little while she finds her phone and his number.

She dials it, waits patiently. He is not answering, she throws the phone away.

Sighs and curls up in bed, her eyes wanders to the clock. It's late, he's probably sleeping.

She knows he is a couple of floors over her and a part of her wants to go to him.

But then she remembers Lola, she's probably there too.

She pushes the thoughts away and slips under the sheet.

She has to get through this without him, can't rely on him for everything.

But right now, he's all she's got.

Fall becomes winter.

As the leaves fall from the trees, Serena feels more and more depressed.

More and more numb and empty.

Alone in the city she grew up in.

She has Nate though.

So she's not entirely alone in the world.

Each week he takes her out for a stroll, coffees and long talks in the park.

Tries to cheer her up, succeeds most times. His jokes and smiles becomes the highlight of her whole existence.

"You need to get back out there." Nate tells her one day on one of their walks.

She looks up at him, blinks and sighs.

"I can give you your job back." It's not the first time he says it, she rejects the offer every time.

This day is no different.

"I can't, Nate."

Suddenly she sees a familiar face close to them.

Blair.

She hasn't talked to her since the day she kicked her out. Just left her a bunch of messages that's been left unanswered.

Her hands start shaking and she loses the cup of coffee to the ground.

"Are you okay, Serena?" Nate asks softly, his look full of concern for her. He hasn't seen the brunette yet.

"It's Blair." Serena sighs.

"Oh."

"I have to talk to her."

"I don't think that's a good idea." He reaches for her arm.

"Nate…" Her eyes pleads and he let's go of her.

He watches her walk away from him.

Sees her approach her former best friend, notices that he's holding his breath.

He doesn't want this to hurt Serena even more. Wants so desperately for her to be okay, to be full of light and giggles again.

To be the girl he once fell in love with.

He has only seen her in small moments the past months. Days where he can see that smile again, hear the laughter that reaches her eyes.

Those are the best days.

"Hey." Serena says; her voice vulnerable and soft.

Blair doesn't answer.

"Blair, please…"

"What do you want me to say?" She asks coldly.

"I just want to talk." Her voice desperate now.

"Okay. Let's talk about the fact that you slept with my boyfriend, again. In a bar, again. Or the fact that you ruin everything for me. That you sent my diary page, my inner thoughts, to Gossip girl. Yeah, let's talk about all of that." Blair snaps and Serena feels the tears pressing.

But she doesn't want to cry.

Not now.

Doesn't want to show Blair just how weak she really feels.

"He wasn't your…" She starts, looks down.

"He was my boyfriend at the time." Blair says.

"But you left him!" Serena yells. Her confidence bigger, her voice steadier.

"You went after Chuck. You still loved him, just like I said."

Blair doesn't answer.

"You didn't deserve Dan."

"Neither do you."

Serena sighs, has to agree with that.

Blair is smirking now, knows that she has hit a nerve.

"I don't want to have anything to do with you. You're dead to me. Okay?"

The numbness is back, the suffocating thoughts. The emptiness that has been eating on her for months.

She can't be there anymore.

She runs.

She is defeated, Blair won.

Nate sees her fleeing, he runs after.

But he loses sight of her.

His heart jumps in his chest as a terrifying thought fills his head.

She throws her clothes around, desperate to find a little purse.

She needs the high now, more than ever.

She has lost Blair. Forever this time.

Nothing she does or says will change that.

She doesn't find the pills at first, but something else. Pictures.

Pictures of her and Blair. Of Nate, Chuck, Dan. Of all of them together.

She falls to the floor, tears dropping down on their frozen faces.

Frozen in time.

Memories are dangerous.

The ones with frames she throws hard at the walls and the ones without she starts ripping apart. Desperate movements, doesn't care that she starts bleeding.

She needs that high. Now.

So she crawls over to the suitcase, throws the rest of the clothes out and desperately reaches for a grey purse.

She takes out the pills and just sits and stares at them. Her whole body shaking and her heart racing out of control. She crosses her arms around her legs and moves back and forth in a steady rhythm. Her sight clouded by tears.

She doesn't move to take the pills. A part of her still holding back.

Suddenly there's a loud knocking on the door.

"Serena!"

It's Nate.

Of course it is.

"Go away." She manages to stutter between the loud sobbing.

There's a click in the door and he is standing in the opening.

"What happened?" He asks softly, moving towards her.

"I don't want to talk about it." She whispers vulnerably.

He takes a look around, sees all the broken glass and ripped up pictures.

Then he sees the pills lying in front of her.

He sighs and sits down with her.

"You don't want to do that." He whispers and lays his hand on her lower back, just barely touching the fabric of her sweater.

"You don't know how much I want it, how much I want to give into the temptation. To numb myself for a while." More tears escapes as she leans into his hand.

Desperately needs him to hold her.

"I don't…" She starts, can't get more out. Feels her body shiver uncontrollably.

He hesitates at first, but soon he is holding her in a firm grip. Let's her cry against his chest. Strokes her back softly and whispers calmly words in her ear.

"I'm here." He whispers.

"I'm here for you."

Her sobbing stops eventually and she wipes some tears away and looks up at him.

Her blue eyes shimmering in the light.

"Why?" She whispers.

He furrows his brows.

"Why are you helping me?" Her voice softly and her face just inches from his.

He sighs as he strokes her cheek with his fingertip.

"Maybe you…" He starts, stops and closes his eyes.

"Maybe you were the love of my life."