Sarah vs The Big Mistake

Sarah vs The Big Mistake

Chapter Two

I look out over the ocean. The last time I felt this way was when Bryce sent me the Intersect. Now, I find out that the girl I thought was falling for me… isn't.

The tears stopped about an hour ago. I'm not sure why but my sadness was replaced with anger and then determination. Did I still love Sarah Walker? Unquestionably yes. But was I done playing the part of her fool? You bet I was.

The problem is that I am going to be near her most all of the time. Our covers had progressed to the point of our living together. I didn't mind three months ago but now that was going to be problematic for me. I know the best way to deal with this is to spend as much time away from Sarah and the apartment. I need to find something to do that will require a lot of my time in the evenings. As much as I don't want to think about it, I know I need to get out there and get back in the game so to speak.

I know what I need to do, generally speaking. Specifically I haven't figured it out yet. I could always play softball. There are thousands of teams in the area. I'm not that athletic so that's probably not my best choice. I could play video games at a number of groups in the area. Somehow this is what the old Chuck would do, the guy that would keep lying down for Sarah Walker to step on. No, I'm going to do something totally different.

Just then, I see a guy running along the beach. He is definitely working out. He has two guys running on both sides of him. He looks to be about my size but more muscular. He has a hood from his sweatshirt over his head but I can see he is bald. The way he runs tells me he is in fantastic shape. Something about this drew me to him. I get up and start to follow. After five minutes, he is out of sight. I don't know what else to do but I decide that I will be here at the same time same place tomorrow and hope to see him again. I don't know exactly what I will do if I actually talk with him but the new Chuck is going to be a bit more adventurous.

It's getting late and I know I need to get back to the apartment. I don't want Sarah to start to worry about me professionally. That will escalate things considerably. Actually, I'm surprised she hasn't called. Just as I think that the phone rings.

"Hi Sarah. Yeah, I'm fine. You know what I mean. Look I'm on my way home and we will talk then. Look Sarah, I'm not going to lie to you and say I'm OK with this. I'm not. But I'm through with this. Look, we'll talk when I get home."

Home, I don't know how I can call the apartment home. It is really the place where I work. I work to maintain my cover as Sarah's boyfriend. I realize my whole concept of my life will have to change.

I get in my car and thirty seven minutes later I'm walking into the apartment that Sarah and I share.

"Are you OK? I've been worried about you," she says.

"If you're asking if I'm going to jump off a bridge? The answer is no. If you're asking how my day has been? I've had better." I look at her until I capture her gaze. "Sarah, it's not my first choice but I'm going to play the hand that's dealt me. You don't have to worry about me. I finally get it, OK?"

I watch her expression of concern for me turn into a look of uncertainty but I really can't say what is behind her expression. She seems at a loss for words and when she does speak she stumbles.

"Have you eaten? We have some pizza I can nuke for you."

"No, I grabbed a sandwich on the way home. I just really want to get some sleep."

"OK, sure. But if you want to talk-"

"Come on Sarah, what's there to talk about? I thought we had a chance at something but I find out I was wrong. Let's move on, OK?"

"Uh, sure. I just want you to know if you need to talk-"

"Sarah…if I need to talk with someone I'll find them. Tell me how talking with you about this problem is going to help me? I intend to take your lead with our relationship. Our cover that is. The less time we spend together the easier it will be on me. So I would appreciate it if you help out in that regard."

I see that puzzled look on her face again.

"OK Chuck. Whatever you need, that's what we'll do."

I walk towards the bedroom. "What I need right now is some sleep." I go to bed without another word to her. She stayed up for a while and then joined me in the bed.

I was going to pretend that I was asleep but I realize she would know that I was faking. I just stay on my side of the bed with my back to her not really acting like I am asleep but making no attempt at conversation.

I can tell she is unsettled for some reason and although I would rather just ignore her for my own sake I just can't. I roll over and look at her. She is setting up in bed with a magazine. I know she is not reading a Maxim but I don't comment.

"You need to talk some more?" I ask her.

She just noticed the title of the magazine and threw it on the floor. "I'm concerned about you Chuck. You're not acting the way you usually do."

I look at her trying to gage what she is thinking. Deciding that I am not going to be able to reach a conclusion, I continue. "Sarah, I've tried to do everything that I know to do to get you to let those barriers down. Just let them down and let me in. But just when I thought I had finally succeeded, I realize that I wasn't even close. I know now that I never really had a chance with you. For whatever reasons, I was never going to get you to abandon what you feel is your duty. For some reason your duty and your loving me are opposing forces and I see that I cannot win that battle.

I study her face trying to glean just a little of her thoughts. I realize that I cannot. "I have concluded that I must lay down my arms and surrender. I cannot win this war. That's what I have done, Sarah. I've given up. I still love you but I hope to love you less tomorrow and less the day after that."

"You know that old story about how much money would you have at the end of the month if you had a penny on the first day of the month and doubled the amount every day?" She nodded to me. I noticed the tears in her eyes as she wiped them away. "Well we're going to see just how much love I've had for you. I am going to try to love you only half as much tomorrow as I loved you today. At the end of the month, maybe I can move on with my life." I see she is shocked by my statement. I say a little more tenderly. "Sarah, I don't want to sound cruel but I've got to end this. I have got to move on if we don't have a chance.
She shook her head knowing that what I said was true and that I was not trying to hurt her. I think it hurt her anyway. I will never understand Sarah Walker. I realize today that I will never really have the opportunity to understand her.

I roll over and say goodnight. I listen to her cry for forty seven minutes and twenty three seconds before she falls asleep. At that time I roll over as gently as I can to study her face. She is a mystery. She is an enigma. Yet tonight she is the woman I love. But tomorrow, I will move on. Maybe just a step. But one step leads to two and then to four. By the end of the month maybe I can look at her as she sleeps and not ache in my chest.

The comfort of sleep finally found and engulfed me. Just as I drifted off, I prayed tomorrow is better than today.